Books and roses, for the month of love?
First post of February. Starts with reminiscing the past few weeks. Kind of long, so apologies in advance-
It's been one heck of a time where I feel like nothing happened yet everything happened as well. We live in strange times, and that's evident even in my relatively drama-free life.
The last block came to an end in slight chaos, but I somehow managed. The following week of holidays were spent with one of my closest friends, my family and myself. I spent time kayaking after a little picnic with my buddy, being slightly weirded out by going on a horse carriage with family, and reading.
In other news, my fiance and I have challenged ourselves to go through a dopamine detox for a month. Today is day 3 and I'm already f*ckin losing my shit with no coffee, no sugar, no music (kill me), no scrolling (which is good) and no personal pleasure—iykwim. No shame in admitting that, really. And honestly I didn't realize just how addicted I was to coffee and music until now. It makes sense why I have an absolutely useless memory and bad anxiety.
How can I not, with how much I run away from myself? I zone out even mid conversations while passively talking, I zone out at the most minor of inconveniences to avoid a small amount of negative emotion, I zone out from my present.
I decided I didn't want to live like this anymore, so I took up the challenge. I'm absolutely dreading it, I'm dying with the lack of dopamine flowing in me. I've never been THIS discontent before and low key depressed, it feels like I'm parched but only for coffee. Particularly the simple kind I make.
4-5 total hours on the bus and while trying to fall asleep with absolutely nothing but my own thoughts is not... fun. Not at all fun. It freaking sucks. I low-key feel like a zombie rn.
But the good thing is that I am more forced to be present. And more aware. And I also realized that my thoughts aren't as scary as they once were. Well unless I'm actually feeling horrible. But otherwise I don't need to run away from myself, I'm just me.
So I think from now on I'm gonna give myself some time. Dedicated time. In my own head. I'm actually kind of excited to see how that works out during this new block, and how it'll affect my work.