Bruce has insanely sharp canines for no reason, and no matter what he does to get rid of them, they keep coming back.
Whether or not itâs because Bruce isnât as entirely human as he thought (overtime from protecting Gotham or from the very start) or because heâs just like that, theyâre really cool looking and dangerously sharp to anyone but himself.
All the kids are going through some old photo books, and they come across Bruce as a teen with Harvey and Harley, and he has a devilish grin on his face that none of them have seen before.
Steph waves the photo around with an expression of glee. âWhoa, B man, you have fangs in this picture!â
Cass takes the picture from Stephâs hand and scrutinizes it. âThey look very realistic.â
âWell-â
âDad, you also have fangs in this, but youâre a baby. I know Photoshop didnât exist back then.â Tim drapes himself over Bruceâs legs and holds up two pictures.
One is of baby Bruce starting to teethe with his canines more developed than anything else in his mouth. The second picture was of toddler Bruce smiling happily in Marthaâs arms while Thomas stood off to the side with a bloody arm and two little puncture marks from Bruceâs teeth. Both of his parents are smiling the exact same way he is.
âTheyâre real.â
âBut⊠you donât have fangs, Dad.â Dick frowned, forcibly opening Bruceâs mouth till the older man shook his hands away and raised an eyebrow at his eldest.
âOh yeah, I file them down from time to time cause Alfred says theyâre unsightly. He hates them.â Bruce shrugs his shoulders, taking the pictures and carefully placing them back in their sleeves.
And Bruce has never thought anything more about it; itâs been that way ever since he can remember. But from the horrified and worried looks on his kidsâ faces, maybe he should.
When he actually sits down and thinks about it, he realizes he would never ask his kids to hide away a part of themselves just cause it would be seen as âunsightlyâ.
It hurts him in ways he canât yet explain to himself that Alfred didnât like a part of himself and forced him to change it from a very young age. Bruce loved how his teeth looked; it made him unique, and his parents loved it, but Alfredâs disdain and barely concealed annoyance killed that love for himself.
Yes, maybe he wouldâve gotten comments from the media, but with support from the only adult in his life, he wouldâve overcome it easily.
Bruce canât help but wonder if Alfred did it for his benefit or because he hated that part of him and wanted Bruce to bury it.
With soft encouragement from his kids over the course of a few weeks and no interference from Alfred (he was skillfully kept away from Bruce by the kids), Bruce doesnât file them down and lets his canines grow out.
Turns out the public loves his teeth, and they have a whole week special in the gazette celebrating the return of his fangs and how the Wayne vampire theories were returning with full force.
Seeing the outpour of love not only from the public but from his loved ones further solidifies the idea that Alfred just fucking despises him or something.
Alfred has never and will never freely give Bruce an insight into his mind (something Bruce, unfortunately, learned from him), so Bruce can only wonder why Alfred couldnât love him. All of him. Why did he only focus on what he perceived as flaws?
Maybe a bit of protective Batkids who need to remind Bruce that he is pretty. Like when your mom makes a comment on how ugly she is and youâre just shocked and appalled because sheâs the most beautiful woman in your eyes.
"Batman birthed all his Robin's" but Dick gaslit himself (and othere) into believing it was true to some extent.
â
Dick, eight years old, staring a reporter in the eye: What?
Reporter: Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne and Batman have been seen together.
Dick: Well DUH!
Dick: Batman gave birth to me :)
Bruce, choking on his drink in the background:
â
Later, Jason sitting in Dick's apartment, playing a video game: Any reason reporters think Batman and Bruce are dating?
Dick, not paying any attention: Didn't he give birth to you?
Jason: ???? What the F*CK!?
â
Much later, Jason being told Catherine wasn't his bio Mom before seeing his birth certificate: Oh my god. Batman gave birth to me.
â
Bruce: I'm fine, Nightwing.
Dick: Sure you aren't pregnant again?
Bruce:
Bruce: What?
Dick: You really gotta start using protection.
â
Dick, half asleep during movie night: Can't believe you slept with Willis Todd.
Jason, a full adult: Both my Dad's are hoes.
Bruce: . . .
â
Timbin: Hi, Mr. Nightwing Robin Dick Grayson Sir!!! I'm Tim Drakeâ
Dick: I KNEW BRUCE SLEPT WITH JACK DRAKE!!!
Timbin: . . . Clearly you're still deeply affected by the death of Jason Todd.
â
Tim, after spending a week with Dick: . . . Dad?
Jack: Yes, son?
Tim: Did Bruce Wayne give birth to me?
Jack:
Jack: Are you doing drugs with Ives??
â
Stephanie:
Dick: Iâ
Stephanie: Make the joke and I'll make sure you lack your namesake.
Dick: Understood.
â
Tim, walking into the cave: Alfred said Bruce won't be patrolling tonight. I think he was complaining about stomach cramps.
Dick: All the pregnancies really did a number on him.
Jason: Probably Tim's fault, on his medical records it said he was born nearly ten pounds.
Dick: What happened, Tim?! You're so tiny now.
Jason: To bad he didn't consider abortion.
Tim: I wish he aborted you!
Jason: He probably tried to abort you! Your a#& just dodged the hanger.
Tim: Maybe you should've taken note and dodged that crowbar.
Dick: Guys, stop making abortion and death jokes! But to be technical I was the easiest pregnancyâ
Damian: WHAT IS EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT?!
Tim, grinning at Jason:
Jason, clearing his throat: I think it's time you found this out Damian...
Dick, dramatically placing a hand on Damian's shoulder: Bruce gave birth to us all.
Damian:
Damian: What?
Jason: Think about it. Who would be insane enough to not abort Tim?
Damian: . . . Father.
Tim: Do you really think Talia Al Ghul would spend nine months undergoing the hardships of pregnancy?
Damian: I . . . No . . . Wait . . .
Dick: Jason didn't die searching for his birth Mother, Dami.
Jason, trying not to laugh: The Joker was jealous that he wasn't the Father, Damian. He killed me because I wasn't his.
Damian: You're all liars!
Jason: It's true! Batman and The Joker were in a very committed relationship!
Dick: My Dad is actually the Joker.
Damian: . . . what .
Dick: Who do you think gave me my love of the circus, Dames?
Tim: It was before the acid incident, obviously.
Jason: Batman cheated on him, that's how I was born.
Damian: . . . Batman gave birth to me?
Tim: Batman gave birth to all of us, Damian.
Duke, in the background: I am not a part of this!
â
Damian, the next time he meets with Talia: Mother?
Talia: Yes, my heart?
Damian: Is it true that Grayson was the Joker and Batman's child and that Todd was born out of wedlock from Batman which is what led to him being murdered and their divorce and that Timothy was birthed by Batman from an affair and that you got Batman pregnant and he also birthed me?
Talia, taking his face in her hands:
Talia: I wasn't supposed to tell you until you were older.
â
Bruce: Dick, Jason?
Dick: Yeah, B?
Jason: What?
Bruce: Can you please stop telling your siblings elaborate stories regarding me birthing them?
Jason: No.
Dick: What? No harm no foul!
Bruce, inhaling sharply: Damian beat the Joker within an inch of his life today, screaming "Why couldn't you love Todd as your own?" And then, as he was being taken to Arkham, shouted, "Do you know what the divorce did to Grayson!?"
Jason:
Dick:
Bruce: Tim still thinks I slept with his Father.
Jason: Didn't you?
Bruce: Jason.
Jason: Bruce.
Dick: Okay, so, maybe it's a little bit out of hand...
Bruce: Damian think you're a child of divorce between me and the Joker! Harley Quinn keeps asking why the Joker didn't even get weekends with you!
Jason: Maybe you should've thought about that before getting the divorce.
Bruce: Jason. Peter. Todd. Wayne.
Dick: Look, B, it's not that bad! It's funny. Dami will grow up and realize it was a stupid prank.
Jason: The story bits yeah.
Bruce: . . . Jay, what do you mean the story bits?
Jason: He'll still know you birthed us all.
Bruce:
Dick:
Dick: Jason. You know that Sheila is the one who actually gave birth to you, right?
Jason:
Jason: Dick. You told me that you picked out my middle name.
Dick:
Bruce:
Jason:
Dick: Now you're f*cking with us.
Jason: I could be. I could not be. But either way, betrayal happened in this room tonight.
Bruce: Dick.
Dick: Okay, fine, I'll stop telling people you birthed us and let the Joker raw dog you...
â
Meanwhile, many years earlier, the one time a reporter interacted with Alfred:
Alfred: I birthed the boy myself! I do believe I am fit to be his caretaker!
Dragongirl kidnaps a maid instead of a princess by mistake; comes back to her lair after a hunt to find the coins and gems in her hoard have been organized into neat piles sorted by type, value, and kingdom of origin.
So, let me guessâ you just started a new book, right? And youâre stumped. You have no idea how much an AK47 goes for nowadays. I get ya, cousin. Tough world we live in. A writerâs gotta know, but them NSA hounds are after ya 24/7. I know, cousin, I know. If there was only a way to find out all of this rather edgy information without getting yourself in troubleâŠ
Youâre in luck, cousin. I have just the thing for ya.
Itâs called Havocscope. Itâs got information and prices for all sorts of edgy information. Ever wondered how much cocaine costs by the gram, or how much a kidney sells for, or (worst of all) how much it costs to hire an assassin?
I got your back, cousin. Just head over to Havocscope.
((PS: In case youâre wondering, Havocscope is a database full of information regarding the criminal underworld. The information you will find there has been taken from newspapers and police reports. Itâs perfectly legal, no need to worry about the NSA hounds, cousin ;p))
Want more writerly content? Follow maxkirin.tumblr.com!
âBelow are selected prices that are paid to professional assassins by criminal organizations and drug cartels for a contract hit.
In Australia, the median price to hire a hit man is $13,610 (9,800 Euros), with the price going up to $83,000 (60,000 Euros) based on the task.
In Mexico, the cost for a low level assassin is $208 (150 Euros), and up to $20,832 (15,000 Euros) for a higher profile target like a police chief.
The prices paid in Argentina are between $3,749 (2,700 Euros) to $5,555 (4,000 Euros) per hit.
Government statistics in Spain state that 40 assassinations take place each year, with prices for the hit ranging between $27 (20 Euros) to $69,000 (50,000 Euros).â
So cheap! I always thought things like this would cost more than $1 millionâŠ
this may just be me going into overanalysis mode but i feel like the choreography of spellcasting can tell you so much about a magic user. a snap of the fingers, for example, implies confidence, even arrogance, while hands thrust out and straining to the fingertips suggests desperation, throwing one's whole body into the spell as though hoping the physical effort will make a difference. rapid, jerky body language tells you that a spellcaster is passionate and reckless, while graceful, fluid movements demonstrate calm and concentration. some magic users may choose to stomp their feet or clap their hands when casting, channeling power through percussive motion, whilst others may see magic as a tool separate from the self, and focus is through objects like a wand or staff. a new spellcaster just coming into their power may be tentative and slow, but a practiced study of magic will be able to rely on muscle memory to guide them.
I love that he apparently got the job because he looked so pathetic that children truly believed he would be unable to solve puzzles created by a cartoon dog without their assistance.
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