Uttering Chaos

the chaotic interior of the gaping hole I call my mind

[sapiensoup]

Abstract musings.

Life is fascinating.

You can make one seemingly innocuous choice but it could begin the unraveling of everything you know.

It could cause chaos and confusion or peace and structure.

The enthralling thing about this string of thought is the the varying perspectives of our individual realities. How no two are the same. My perception doesn't determine your view.

Here's the thing-

I've been trying to narrate your view through my work.

I've been left feeling stagnate and wondering why my heart feels a little distorted and my mind is out of balance. I'm not getting my messages across.

It's not the right approach.

Art, much like my father's description of hallucinagens, is a mirror used to reflect back to you many things including what you may need to see, not just want you want to believe.

Not what I, the creator, wants you to see. That takes away the ability to identify with what I've created I believe. It puts too much a stamp on it.

I want to switch focus to allowing you the space to explore perception of the moment. Leave room for you to insert yourself into the narrative so it becomes personal for each viewer and allows you to become a participant.

How does one go from delivering photography as it has been presented.. simple print. Matted, framed etc

To something that allows you to enter into it in some way be it internally, spiritually or physically... Or perhaps all and more.

I want to make true impact.

I want to reflect yourself back to you through others.

Identify. Connect. Grow

Creating internal change through still frames that are somehow brought back to life post being frozen in time.

With another body that is not yours but somehow you feel you belong to.

Somehow build a series of photos that allows us to connect with one another as a whole and no longer feel the I but experience the we that creates this very matrix we exist in.

I've long used this format of expression as a means of connection to other humans, to nature, to myself.

I'll get nothing out of the talents I have grown if I fail to marry my ability to use this as a silent connection with the viewer being able to find connection with the world they live in.. and not just with me as the creator.

There is a bridge to build between one another as a species as well as with the earth and the universe that envelopes us. There's an answer in here somewhere.

[fisttopavement]

Opulent reluctance

Embrace that insanity girl.

Be your own worst enemy,

Rage inside your skin

I couldn’t remember what happiness was so when it came I stumbled over myself

Gotta fight that fear that tears apart all the hopes you ever had

that drives your decay 

That thrives as you rise just to bring you down

[fisttopavement]

rocky roads and crumbling bones

. Im fucking slipping 

Ledge walking, tripping.  Stumble stepped. I see the rocks fall

you never hear them hit the ground

 but god i  wonder about that sound

I can feel the wind surround me, free falling

I am the rocks, the crumbling slipping into the abyss

a stones throw from breaking ground.

Im a hard hitter crashing down

one cold body, still now. 

it’s real now.  getting closer now.

death’s standing by, waiting at the bottom of the hole.

Silence lurks, no god greeting me at some fancy gates.

no saving this one. no last rights.

no stretching out these arms in desperation

begging for a different way

no reparation, just the ending of an era of insanity.

finally some kind of peace. some kind of quieting of all this lurking pain

goodnight, goodbye, never again to feel these things that make me so insane 

goodbye goodbye goodbye.

we all have our time to die. 

[fisttopavement]

I am a desolate ocean

my only company is dying leaves and mindless insects

Im swimming against the current, against myself, against all hope

I am proof that waters burn hot and vanish in vapors

lost to the winds

I am proof that strength crumbles and bones break and oceans dry up

veins wither to dust and sometimes endings come early.

sometimes insanity is indeed our only friend

And maybe, in reality, peace can only be found when I am dead.

So slowly suffocate me under your weight world

diminish me like you do so effectively.

break this back, this mind, this spirit.

take this body back to the dirt

Let this flesh rot and decay

Take my last breath. I don’t need it anymore.

Let me slip past sleep, eyes cold. skin grey. chest still.

because when I am dead there’s nothing left to kill.

[fisttopavement]

My mind is winding with the winds of what i hope are Change. I need stripped of this toxic skin and cleansed. I need to regain a sense of purity. A feeling of peace. If i continue on in this tone of pain I'll never truly be alive. Universe guide me. You've never steered me wrong. Mother earth please cleanse me. Shed me of this tired crown of shit. Help me on the path of healing. Teach me hope. Show me your many blessings. I'm tired and i feel sick and I'm ready to change that. I'm ready to let go and love myself. Love this world. To remember who i am. Photography by me @sapiensoup

[fisttopavement]

The Slow Burning Flame Insanity is always the topic. We all know that by now. It’s never just a phase these days. More like a slow burn.  my wick chars and dwindles  and my flame licks high walls low down and barely leaves a mark. this fire is cold. It’s such a shame It used to be so powerful It could burn down city blocks with just a flicker. As my bones condense and my soul gasps for air and this flame fades I wonder if I’ll find a purpose anywhere  Will I ignite on the shores of great bodies of water?  Or drown beneath the tides? Will this flame devour itself and dissapear leave me behind As a victim to my own fear? There’s no telling now.  there’s no backing down. there’s no finding paths of past or remembering who I was before I was lost.  I’m just gone

[fisttopavement]

Insanity insanity Insanity.

Dripping with the stench of break down.

I'll never fit this crown. I'll never fill the role.

I'll never be the queen said to be seen in my eyes.

I'll never be. I'll never be. I'll never be anything.

[fisttopavement]

Conquest

Conquest

The conquests of my mind are momentous and unclimable