yeah ok

sal 30 he/him

[hyumjim]

In case you guys were wondering what my Instagram reels looks like. I almost typed “my auto parts” btw

[captain-price-returns]

[chilewithcarnage]

I do not respect the sanctity of marriage #divorcethatthang

[elodieunderglass]

Package containing three reusable silicone lids for preserving supermarket hummus, which cost very little and which I honestly don’t give a fig about: we’ve posted your parcel. (we’ve posted your parcel.) your parcel is posted. Your parcel is posted. Your parcel is moving. Tracking number for your parcel. Your parcel is being hand-carried to the depot by a courier named GREG. Your parcel is nestled gently at the DEPOT. Your parcel has been fed and watered and given a comfort break. Your parcel’s overnight nurse is named DILYS. She has twelve years of experience and a qualification. She reports YOUR PARCEL is DOING WELL. YOUR PARCEL HAS LEFT THE BUILDING. YOUR PARCEL HAS LEFT THE BUILDING. Your courier is named MERVYN and he is an AQUARIUS. your parcel is due at 12:13. We apologise. Your parcel is due at 12:17. This is due to MERVYN encountering ROADWORKS. Your parcel is circling. MERVYN is on your street. MERVYN IS HERE. Here is a photo of your feet with the parcel. Your parcel ARRIVED. how did you like MERVYN. Was he okay. Would you use him again. Would you trust Dilys to safeguard the following: a glass case containing a crystal gem / a balloon / a bucket of water. Your parcel was four minutes late. We’ll email you forever now. Do you like this

Package containing fragile and valuable birthday present to myself, anxiously awaited: due date of FUCKOFF Posted NEVER 💅

[omegaversereloaded]

Im not reading the rest of this i think you should beat him and then leave him

[omegaversereloaded]

Beat him like he's a stranger

[wotsukai]

[asmrgaret]

it’s weird that professional letters are supposed to start with “dear.” i don’t even call my mom that

[asmrgaret]

my darling hiring manager. my springtime rose. if hired i will bring a strong work ethic to this position

[agnesmontague]

ive invented (note: dubious claim) something i call the bear diet which is mostly fruits and vegetables with fish as the main protein source and something like once a month you eat a few hyperprocessed foods of your liking because that is when you, the bear, raid a dumpster in the suburbs

[stellarskyes]

after the hyperprocessed foods, do you take tranquilizers to simulate getting captured by animal control and returned to the wild?

[agnesmontague]

i would settle for melatonin gummies but well. knock yourself out

[jumese]

i step out onto stage clad in full corpse paint and death metal regalia and start playing the most middle-of-the-road soft rock you've heard since 1974

[jumese]

[deirdreskye]

[segamascott]

[catcrumb]

[json-derulo]

for sale: Baby Shoes Stylish Infant Boy Girl Unisex First Walker Shoes Toddler Walking Crib Shoes Lightweight Non-Slip Sneakers For 6 9 12 18 24 Months Baby Shoes New With Tags New In Box Excellent Condition Never Worn

[bruzum]

[inkandguns]

[lillytheaspie]

[infectiouspiss]

Is it acceptable that I do shave my legs only because it’s easier to put lotion on my legs when they aren’t too hairy and I do like the feeling of smooth skin when I finish up with it.

I also only really do it once or twice a month so sometimes I do go out in public with hairy legs.

come on man i'm on my lunch break can't you wait???

[sayorithot]

hm yes the mysterious handy tool for unusual home adventures with a twist my favorite device

[gyarutau]

Haha yeah man thats- youre gonna call who?

[theehorsepusssy]