Responsibility towards vs. Responsibility for the gaps, holes, and pits of life.
"Life has a gap in it—it just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it like some lunatic."
I have a tendency to browse libraries, pulling interesting things off shelves.
During college I pulled out a copy of Take This Waltz, thinking it would be about dancing (I love dancing), but it turned out to be a fascinating novel-like musing on love, life, addiction, fidelity, art, and the ways we try to fill the gap, the hole, the pit that is that aching part of consciousness. I was in the midst of what would become an almost five-year relationship when I watched the movie alone in an empty seminar room, rapt.
I can't remember a whole lot about the movie. There was cooking. There was a gym. There were swimming classes and two competing partners and the artsy, unsafe one won out and there was more sex than my prudish brain was comfortable with at the end so I kind of fastforwarded through, terrified and fascinated.
But the stickiest stuck thing was that first quote about the gappiness of life. ***
I was talking with my therapist today, having a very triggered six-on-the-enneagram conversation about a fear of my social world dropping out from under me if I managed to do enough unusual things to be deemed wholly unacceptable.
She asked what I was really afraid of, and I said The Pit. The pit of depression, but also the pit of loneliness, of having to do this inhumane task of living on a planet in the face of death and suffering alone, without people who know, who care.
And she asked me about the worst case scenario, about what it said about me if that happened.
And it was oddly calming? Like if the worst case scenario happens I'm no longer falling, I've fallen, and there's a bottom.
What drives me a bit mad is the uncertainty.
Like I know there's a bottom, or strongly suspect, due to the whole mortality thing, but this interim period of doing life, so full of love and loss is so tricky.
And I've bought into the whole free will thing, I'm willing to play the game that assumes that my choices matter. Which is freeing and hopeful but also rife with responsibility.
To myself, to other people. That was another thing Kelly, my therapist, pointed out. That I seemed to be very interested in responsibility. She talked about being responsible towards people as being different than being responsible for people and their reactions, which felt really liberating.
We talked about ways to interact with people with whom I'd had very gappy/holey/pitty relationships. Ones I valued, but ones that didn't always hold my weight.
I talked about ways to be responsible towards them without being responsible for them. I could act within my values, then step back, hoping for the best, but expecting nothing.
****
Dear Person,
I have seen the ways you've tried to get in contact with me.
I would like to say "Don't worry, I'm not avoiding you," but the thing is,
I am avoiding you, and while I don't want you to worry (the world has enough to worry about), I do want you to think.
I haven't been in touch with you because I have felt like you decided that something about me was unacceptable to you.
According to you, have a partner isn't smart enough for me. You have a history of judging people's partners, and that makes me feel like you're unlikely to change. I know you want the best for me, but your version of "the best" left you in a very abusive relationship, so I want you to keep your opinions to yourself, and I also want healing for you, but I don't know how to tell you that without hurting you, and I don't want to hurt you, so I've been silent.
According to you, I owe you thanks and attention simply for doing part of what you said you would do, then breaking your promises in other ways. You expect me to move on when you lie, with minimal if any accountability. I've tried telling you what would help heal those tears in trust, but you haven't engaged in ways that show progress. I want to keep trying, but it hurts my heart to fall in a similar hole again and again. I'm done for a while. I'm not going to tell you that, though. I'm just going to keep my distance. We'll be on a need-to-know basis, and I'll watch and pray for signs of transformation.
We haven't talked in ages because the last time we talked you seemed resentful that I wasn't more responsive. You've talked about resenting other people who stopped talking to you. You said stuff about a friend who has significant struggles not struggling in real ways, not struggling as much as you. And I do not know whether or not you were joking, because if you weren't joking, your idea of your own pain is pretty wild. I am not comfortable in our friendship if that's where you're at, though I am guessing life has hurt you terribly for you to be there. I haven't wanted to tell you directly because I don't want to hurt you worse by giving you my reasons for my silence, and I don't want to lie to you either just to smooth things over. I want the distance I've created, unless something significant has changed for you. That said, I know we'll run into each other eventually because our friend groups overlap and I want to set some intentions. I like our shared hobbies, we have some nice memories, but I'm not available to be responsible to you in the ways I've observed are important to you, and I understand that that might not feel good to hear. I don't mean to hurt you, and I do wish you well. I hope we'll be able to interact well when our paths cross, and if you find that you have a genuine openness to casual interaction, I appreciate it. I'm sorry I'd seen down for traveling to visit you in the past then hadn't followed through. The desire was there both times, but my willingness to spend money and complete the logistics, paired with some concern about how we'd coexist in the context you invited me to just wasn't able to make the visits happen. I hope I'll have the courage to ask for clarity or be clear on my no's rather than lingering if there are future encounters between us.
I know I agreed to be responsive to our mentoring, and I suggested a time frame when I would be able to do our next meeting. You wanted it to be sooner, which is fair to request, and I tried to stretch, but we weren't able to find a date. I'm game to re-engage after the original time I'd suggested for one of these three times (1, 2, 3). If none of those are available, could you suggest some that are? I understand if the scheduling aspect of our mentoring collaboration has become unwieldy--it's okay if it's a goodbye for now. I'm sure many others will benefit from your time and I am grateful you are doing work that seems to nourish you and while also benefitting others.
I am checking in about the question regarding filing locations and timings, and touching base about the upcoming application. I'll be in NYC as of September 18th at _____TIME____ and am hoping to get my application turned in and biometrics completed as soon as possible. I saw there were requests for further information, and a few more documents to complete. I've completed those requirements as best as possible, and here are my remaining questions: What if I don't know my return date? How many family/community statements are helpful/recommended?
Hi there, thank you for your patience with delays in communication. I'm grateful for your grace and for your willingness to share your expertise. I'll be home by early October and would love to schedule a time to check in with our investment relationship, to see how my accounts are doing, and to plan for some values-based investing and immigration planning in coming years.
****
I think these notes may help sew patches across some of the holes, plug up some of the gaps, or toss plywood over the pits.
I think they'll meet my responsibilities towards communicating with reasonable promptness with people without me making myself responsible for their feelings.
And I hope they might help you build some bridges in your own life. These are real drafts of messages I hope to send or speak.
I wish you gentleness for your days, and good rest tonight,
ANM