Idrc if anyone follows this or not i just need to get my feelings out there lol -i'm an adult -i have ocd, adhd, asd, and possibly avpd so those will be the main things i talk about -they/them -i don't recommend reading this blog if you're in a bad mental space (but if it helps you have at it i guess lol)
are u ever sick w longing. and i don't just mean romantic longing. i mean longing for a place you barely get to see, longing for friends you no longer have, longing for feelings you might have left behind in your childhood, longing for creativity, longing for a rich and more expansive life, longing for less inhibition. longing for more passion. longing for ur life to be so incandescent w something it thaws all the frost in ur bones. are u ever so consumed w it it rends ur heart in two. do u understand me
Personal Vent: The Internet Has Just Been Sadder Lately
A lot has been on my mind lately about the landscape of the internet in my view. A lot of it stems from me looking back at the past and how it contrasts with how I experience the internet today and if you know me for anything, it's that I fucking hate looking back at the past. My actions & inactions? Shit. Terrible. Fuck me as a young, stupid, naive human being. How other people have treated me? Varies completely across the range from some of the most kind-hearted & generous people I've ever met to people who know nothing more than complete spite, hatred & villainy. The overall landscape itself? I couldn't tell you the difference between wholeheartedly welcoming communities and people who are more than ready to shoot you down, dismiss you or think of you as lesser than them, outside of their superiority & elitist cliques.
I guess the reason why I title this post after the whole internet being sadder lately is sheerly & solely due to the fact that I am seeing it all now more than ever. I am looking back at over a decade of me exploring & investing myself in this overall online space and I am using the detriment of hindsight to realise just how toxic it all can be.
Some of y'all are too fucking good for the internet in its current state. Twitter is now a radioactive wasteland that everybody dreads being stuck in and finding no way out. Me and some of the people I know close to me are lucky enough as we are, but if you're looking for clean, spotless, perfect alternatives, then just give up now & settle for the fourth best thing. Not that one. No, not that one either, that's got cryptobros involved. No, that one's not secure either.
Oh my god, Twitter used to be such an okay place. There used to be these memes like "mutuals, like this post and I'll send an anonymous compliment" or "hey, look at this fun chart or joke I just made" or some bullshit like that; It was bullshit but it was fun! I used to have so many fun & insightful conversations in replies & direct messages that in hindsight were not all that fun or insightful at all and we were all just dumb & stupid. Now a third of those people are inactive or just gone from the face of the earth, another quarter are moving on to other platforms I don't even wanna be on, another third of them are still with me on the platforms I've moved on to and yet they are equally as drained of their enthusiasm & happiness as I am and the remaining twelfth, bless them all, they are still young, vibrant, happy & full of energy and I'm so happy to see them in my life, but they feel so much smaller altogether than they used to feel in the grand scheme of this fucking world wide web.
Then there's just the fact that the world itself is in a far worse state than it was exactly five years ago! In 2019, we did not have the coronavirus pandemic, we did not have wars mercilessly killing several thousand Ukranian or Palestinian civillians for no real fucking reason, we did not have billionaires being as loudly shitty as they have been lately, we sure had abhorrant & hateful right-wing influencers & political figures, but they're not swarming in droves like they have been lately and we're seeing more hatred, abuse, violence, negligence & dismissal worldwide in the public than ever before.
And now there's an extra layer to all of this that I really don't want to blame on fellow zoomers and the coming gen alpha, but I'm seeing a lot of people take in the communities they're joining at face value, seeing the toxic, negative energies & events they were known for in the past that were really powerful five years ago and that we're really trying to move past from today, and they're just getting ready to absorb that energy and unleash it onto others when even the slightest wrongdoing is noticeably committed. I have never felt this unsafe joining & frequenting other communities since either 2018 or 2020 and I've had to resort to making my own community / friend server multiple times even though it still makes me feel like I'm trapped in my own bubble these days. (Join LikesMusic, link in pinned post.)
After writing all of that, I just don't have a hopeful conclusion here. I am very well aware that it always gets worse before it gets better, but everything has just been much worse & worse & worse the more time passes on and the littlest betterments are thankfully present, but I'm still waiting for a point where we all just begin to soar and learn from how bad all of this has gotten and how we can just be fucking good again. I hope that one day, I can just walk into a community, immediately feel welcome & unintimidated and just grow into it organically like I used to almost a decade ago. I am hopeful for all of that, but I don't have that much hope at this current point in time. (Not to mention my body has been feeling like shit the past several weeks.)
I feel more and more like avpd functions the opposide of social anxiety.
The most potential a relationship is every going to have for me in my life is the first week. If I don't start feeling comfortable around a person pretty immediately after meeting them, it's never going to happen.
There's so much potential in the small talk stage to get a vibe over whether I can feel safe around a person. If I don't feel that way at first, it's likely never going to happen.
Probably part of the 'won't engage in relationships or activities without assurance of acceptance' thing. Like if it's not clear off the bat that you're going to be enthusiastically okay with me, no beans.
I don't want to speak for anyone else, but I get the impression that people with social anxiety are more nervous around new people and as they get to know someone, they slowly get more comfortable. Not that there wouldn't be any discomfort in established relationships, but I'm sure it's not also like:
I have to find ways to trick myself into opening up to my partner of 20+ years about something new (and relatively not a big deal probably) because I'm terrified of his reaction.
The more I care about someone, the more frightening that relationship becomes, so there's a very narrow sweet spot of "I need acceptance immediately when I start to like you but before I start to care much about the success of our relationship" that means that most interactions I have with people will never go anywhere.
Of course I have jealousy issues. You’d have them too if you saw everyone around you getting what you want while you’re subjected to neglect and abuse. In sight but out of reach. Forced to see what I want constantly but unable to have it myself.
I really resent the whole 'you will find your people!' thing, like... oh there will be a group of other ND people who will celebrate your weirdness!!!
Like joke's on you, even other weirdos are put off and weirded out by me, and also I'm terrified of human connection regardless.
does anyone else just ever get the urge to say "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry" over and over again to their friends for. no reason???
romaincrisis
snowghoul
origamiaround
baratheonpilled
