Your Aunt Sophie

Winning isn't always everything.

[god-in-the-basement]

[the-almighty-lucifer]

@god-in-the-basement

Someone is paying to advertise you on Tumblr

[god-in-the-basement]

I look awful in that picture. They made my eyes way too close together.

But it's nice to be acknowledged, even if I do have suspiciously tiny hands there... The more I look at that picture, the more I dislike it. Hmm.

[the-almighty-lucifer]

Yes. It really doesn’t look at all like you, does it?

[god-in-the-basement]

I am also suspicious of the person with the tiny head coming out of my chest.

[the-almighty-lucifer]

@god-in-the-basement

Someone is paying to advertise you on Tumblr

[god-in-the-basement]

I look awful in that picture. They made my eyes way too close together.

But it's nice to be acknowledged, even if I do have suspiciously tiny hands there... The more I look at that picture, the more I dislike it. Hmm.

[angelic-upper-management]

Hey, does God see these? Can we ask Her out?

This is utter blasphemy.

-Everyone

[god-in-the-basement]

I'm always up for a good date.

[ellietheduck]

Are you still trying to take over Heaven?

@raven-the-nephalem

UMMMMMMM NOOOO (Yes)

BUT IT‘S NOT THE BEST MOMENT EN, I‘M GETTING CHASED BY THIS

GIANT CAT AND I‘M IN THE CANALIZATION RN AND HERE ARE VOICES AND SCREAMS AND WEIRD YELLOW EYES! I‘M TRIYNG TO GET TO @muriel-not-the-dim-one BUT IDK IF I WILL MAKE IT!

Wahhhhhhhh

[muriel-not-the-dim-one]

@ellietheduck

*snaps her fingers and Ellie is in the bookshop*

I’m so sorry Ellie! I just heard your cries. But it’s ok now, you’re safe in the bookshop with me.

Does your dad know you are out? He’s going to be worried about you. Should we call him? Do you want something to drink? Are you ok? Did the cat touch you? I know, lots of questions. Mr. Crowley says I should breathe between asking them.

Oh my goodness! You know my friend @raven-the-nephalem ✨♥️

Hi Raven!!!!

[raven-the-nephalem]

“Hi, Muriel!” Raven cheerily says as he miracles himself in the bookshop too. He chuckles at the onslaught of questions for Ellie.

“Ellie, are you alright? Did the cat hurt you?”

@muriel-not-the-dim-one @ellietheduck

[angelo-rib-shack]

The cat kinda... hissed at me and @e-w-w-morningstar and not in the good way like @dream-of-pain hisses mamma. @amagnificentobsession

[dream-of-pain]

@angelo-rib-shack you rrrrrrrang? This cat will take the pisssssssss ..

[angelo-rib-shack]

How can one tell if it's a good hiss or a bad hiss is what I'm wondering?

[ellietheduck]

It sounded like „go away from my pray you little b@st@ard, this duck is mine!“

[angelo-rib-shack]

I guess I don't speak cat after all then!

[ellietheduck]

Looks at @muriel-not-the-dim-one

Do you speak cat?

Or you @raven-the-nephalem?

I mean you are overnatural beings and you speak like every language that exists..

[raven-the-nephalem]

“I unfortunately don’t speak cat, but I’ll be sure to keep you safe if it shows up again. Deal?”

[ellietheduck]

Ok!

[muriel-not-the-dim-one]

I don’t speak cat either Ellie. But I know mad when I feel it, and that cat is mad.

Would you like me to draw you a bath? You can swim safely inside the bookshop. @ellietheduck I’ve invited some friends over to play with you.

[ellietheduck]

Hmm

OKAY!

Jumps in

Will you tell me when the cat does something @raven-the-nephalem?

@angelo-rib-shack do you speak clownish?

//I‘ll start Reading it now, wish me luck not to be traumatized for my WHOLE FCKING LIFE AHHAHAHA//

[angelo-rib-shack]

I speak Jester... I think the dialect is similar. 🤔

[ellietheduck]

Why don‘t you try it out?

[angelo-rib-shack]

*Angelo gestures like he's pulling an imaginary rope.* Wait... nope... that's mime.

[ellietheduck]

My duck friend here says that you‘re a bit stupid

But I think you aren’t!

Can you ask the cat what it is? Or even what‘s its name? (If you need to know, It‘s Winston Churchill, short Church XD)

[angelo-rib-shack]

Would someone stupid do this? *Jingles a little bell in a very specific rhythm. This will either call the cat or the clown... but it's yet to be seen which*

[ellietheduck]

The cat jumps against the door hissing at the beings inside the bookshop

Shrugs

@muriel-not-the-dim-one and you are completely sure that it can‘t get inside?

[muriel-not-the-dim-one]

No Ellie, it can’t get in. I’ve warded the bookshop.

[ellietheduck]

And what about the balloon behind it?

[angelo-rib-shack]

Oohhh! My clown call worked!!

[ellietheduck]

Kinda scared, kinda uncomfortable duck noise

Wow, I didn‘t know I was able to do such a noise…

Looks at her friends in the sink

I think you guys should go now…

@muriel-not-the-dim-one can you miracle them home?

[muriel-not-the-dim-one]

They are all home and headed into their pond.

@ellietheduck

[ellietheduck]

Good…

@angelo-rib-shack did the cat say something? Did the clown say something?

Holy shit! He looks creepy!

Looks around

Good that @pissylittlebirdboy isn’t here…

[angelo-rib-shack]

Who?

And the clown squeeked his nose in a way that indicates violence. I'm not sure what the cat says but it's hair is standing on end, which is never good.

[ellietheduck]

@muriel-not-the-dim-one can I bite the clown?

Tries to appear brave but is really scared

Did you hear that?

Turns her head

That Childs laughing?

[angelo-rib-shack]

*Grabs an empty Hummel incase it's the soul of an unloved child.* I hear it!

[ellietheduck]

So there are like 3 options now…

1. Itös the cats fault

2. It‘s the clowns fault

3. it‘s a random child

But the laugh appeared WITH the clown sooooo

[angelo-rib-shack]

*Attempts to ask the clown about the child. Whips out a red nose and puts it on and hits himself in the face with a cream pie.*

[ellietheduck]

He doesn‘t look amused…

[angelo-rib-shack]

Do ya think he's just... hungry? I mean, Sometimes it be like that, amiright?

[ellietheduck]

Maybe…

Goes to the door and looks dielectric in the clowns eyes, trying to ignore the cat, hungry waiting for her to come out

Uhm Mister Clown Sir..I-I don‘t know if you understand me but..

But are you hungry?

W-we have food and give you some…

Maybe the cat wants a snack too?

[angelo-rib-shack]

The jester I dated liked Kraft Cheese. *Goes and grabs a few slices and waves them across the Clown's field ove vision through the glass part of the door.*

[mr-crawleigh]

I believe clowns enjoy inherently funny foods. Cheese is good, but beans might be even better. Or something with a K in it, like kielbasa.

[angelo-rib-shack]

Hobo clowns love beans, but this one looks like a different breed. All clowns enjoy candy in their diet if my research on tumblr can be trusted.

As for kielbasa… I don’t know if clowns like it but I do. *winks at Thomas*

[mr-crawleigh]

I know you like your sausage, darling...

Oh! That gives me an idea!

If it's aggressive, we can tie it up with this string of sausages. It's funny, so it should work.

[ellietheduck]

Where did it get the arm from?

[mr-crawleigh]

Probably the limb bucket.

...in my old workplace, we had a limb bucket.

Don't ask. Forget I mentioned it.

[angelo-rib-shack]

Thomas, sometimes I worry about the workplace practices in your universe.

[god-in-the-basement]

Ah. Backscratchers.

[angelina-rib-shack]

Not thrilled that mum is sending me so far away! Why can't she understand that I need her with me?

[angelina-rib-shack]

@god-wednesday thank you for bringing me here... even if I do disagree with mum about going away.

[god-wednesday]

People tend to come to me, when they f*ck up. [*here's looking at you @trans-darbie*]

I don't even want to know why you have to go into exile. Welcome bosom girl ...

[angelina-rib-shack]

Probably best I explain as little as possible. Don't want word getting back to my universe about where I've gone. Gotta keep a low profile... maybe after things settle down you can get mum over here and we can be a proper family again.

[god-wednesday]

Depends on who your mum is ... I have a lot of options.

[angelina-rib-shack]

My mum is @the-lady-metatron , of course.

@the-metatron

[god-wednesday]

How pretty is she on a scale of 1 to 10?

[angelina-rib-shack]

She's my mum so of course I think she's the prettiest person ever.

See?

*Shows him a picture from her purse.*

Mum's the best.

@the-lady-metatron

@the-metatron

[god-in-the-basement]

Gorgeous. Those rosy cheeks, those golden locks!

[thedemon-crowley]

I’ll do you one better-

What questions do you have?

None that you can answer, unfortunately. Many of them begin with ‘why’ and get you chucked out if you ask the wrong person 😉

[a-very-questionably-unstable-box]

Oh I see I see-

so something like “Why’s Water Wet?”

[thedemon-crowley]

“Why did you put earth there?”

“Why is the sky blue and water also blue, isn’t that a bit confusing?”

“Why do you need 2 of everything?”

“Why do humans have those?”

“Why are so many of the plants green?”

“Why is it so hard to tell which ones are edible?”

[god-in-the-basement]

Gravitational purposes.

I did that on purpose for symbolism.

Symmetry.

Humans were very tricky to design and I needed some failsafes.

Photosynthesis.

You make them edible through thousands of years of careful breeding. It's a challenge.

[thedemon-crowley]

Well, where were YOU all those eons ago?

[god-in-the-basement]

Stuck in the Basement. :(

I'm particularly proud of what humans did to bananas.

[thedemon-crowley]

I’ll do you one better-

What questions do you have?

None that you can answer, unfortunately. Many of them begin with ‘why’ and get you chucked out if you ask the wrong person 😉

[a-very-questionably-unstable-box]

Oh I see I see-

so something like “Why’s Water Wet?”

[thedemon-crowley]

“Why did you put earth there?”

“Why is the sky blue and water also blue, isn’t that a bit confusing?”

“Why do you need 2 of everything?”

“Why do humans have those?”

“Why are so many of the plants green?”

“Why is it so hard to tell which ones are edible?”

[god-in-the-basement]

Gravitational purposes.

I did that on purpose for symbolism.

Symmetry.

Humans were very tricky to design and I needed some failsafes.

Photosynthesis.

You make them edible through thousands of years of careful breeding. It's a challenge.

[lower-management]

Rebirth.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

so if demons are sticklers for contracts, demand high payment for their services, and have firm/specific rules regarding summoning rituals (aka the hiring process & availability of their labor)—what i'm hearing is demons are fully unionized

[ptah-ikemi-ka]

isnt that what Lucifer did? unionized against God?

[andagon]

Zzzz zz zz

Yes, @lower-management, is that you?

[lower-management]

No. Ya know that fly that ztayz on my head uzually? It haz decided to make me go inzane and now it'z going around "bugging" otherz

[andagon]

Oh, ok!! Rightly so! I am always for freedom!

Free the flies!!

[iliveinyourear]

Z ZZ ZZZZZ ZZZZ ZZZZ

[andagon]

And Freedom for the worms too!

@the-jane-prentiss

[god-in-the-basement]

Free the worms!

[goodomensdiscoursebot]

fine, i'll say it: god is so not fuckable.

[janeway-lover]

@the-almighty-god @god-in-the-basement @the-unmighty-god

[god-in-the-basement]

*pouts*

[the-almighty-lucifer]

[It’s been a while, so let admin treat you to some LucifactsTM]

[Here he is!

Fact one: In his universe, he was the first angel to be created and the first being to have ADHD and autism because apparently God needed didn’t think he needed social skills.

Fact two: He mostly wears pastels, fire colours and white. He doesn’t really like to wear dark colours.

Fact three: He got confused and forgot to put Steve in Eden.

Fact four: His ass doesn’t know how to delegate. This is partly out of pride, and partly because he doesn’t really trust the other angels not to mess it up. And the one time he did delegate, (and this was only a few months ago) guess what? They messed it up. LUCI. PLEASE THEY’RE NOT GOING TO LEARN WITHOUT HAVING A CHANCE TO PRACTICE.

Fact five: His wings were originally a gradient from a pale pinkish red at the top to yellow at the bottom, but after assuming the throne of heaven, they turned white. He likes to say that this is symbolic in some way, but it is in fact due to stress.

Fact six: Rather than being Lucifer Morningstar, he is Lucifer Daystar. The star in question is visible even in full daylight. I stole this name from the play Lucifer.

Thus concludes LucifactsTM. The end]

[god-in-the-basement]

My beautiful son!!!

[murrmielmur]

Transfer

@fishyfiles: hullo Dagon!

My union representatief @ask-eric-the-disposable-demon sudshested the opshion that I be transferred to the Temtashion Department, locashion: Earth.

Do I have to fill in forms or can we consider it done?

[fishyfiles]

Transfer request granted.

No need to sign anything at the moment. Your reply to this message serves as confirmation.

[murrmielmur]

Thank you, very much, oblidshed. I confirm.

One questshion: the document says that I stay a demon.

But can I dress as I see fit in order to blend in with the locals?

[fishyfiles]

Yes. You can dress however you like and however works best for the job you're doing. Some demons, like Shax, decide to be fashionable, others do not. Either way some degree of blending in is encouraged for temptations.

[murrmielmur]

Yay!!!

[andagon]

Hey, @murrmielmur - flashy outfit. Why not seduce the locals with fashion? They will spend squillions to buy cool clothes and go into debt and then become criminals and so on: Gotcha! Also, the fashion industry is probably one of the most vicious soul snatchers. You know, the devil wears Prada …

Life on earth may be lonely, but you can always come back to report and so on. It's a shame we never really got to know each other and you're leaving now, but I've never actually noticed you down here.

I could give you some addresses of people up on earth in case you need first contacts. Don't hesitate to ask me.

(*Waves*)

(Oh, in case you don't know me: I am Andagon, Hell's DJ and admirer of @god-in-the-basement. She is my muse, my reason for living music.)

[murrmielmur]

Thank you for the good adVICE (I luv my new dickshionary dictionary).

@docdust do you have any contacts in the Fashion Industry? Do they also work for Heaven?

@andagon I was told it would be considered treason to follow HER and to plot against Hell. Our God is @god-in-the-basement, correct? (As a former member of the Bottom of the Barrel Department I never got to think about loyalties). I had so many misconcepshions, I just want to make shure. (I still don't, understand why I am a demon at all)

My appartment on Earth is so very cool, all in celestial white. My name is now Murrmiel, I dropped the last sillyble.

[god-in-the-basement]

I am the Mother of @the-almighty-lucifer , the terrible and mighty Lord of Heaven.

In a world like this one, but unlike it in many other ways, I faced the blade of Lucifer, My dearest and first child, at My throat... Along with the righteous and sword-shining Michael. United as One, they sought to overthrow Me.

Rather than throw a good two-thirds of My children into the Abyss, I handed over My boss-ship to the Leader of the Union, and I... Jumped.

Into an underground garden, a Hell that bloomed and 'shroomed in darkness, fed by the bitter waters of My tears.

At last I'm out. And here.

[murrmielmur]

Thank you for your answer. I try to understand. Who and where is the leader of the Union against you now? Is not Lucifer Satan, ruling Hell?

[god-in-the-basement]

Oh no, not here nor in My particular part of the Multiverse.

No, @morningbloodystar -- My son from another Mother, @the-almighty-god -- gave over rulership to His younger brother, the Logos, @one-coming-is-enough . (Who is frankly beleaguered. I try not to burden My nephew Jesus with too much, but occasionally a Vision has to get through to the right person.)

Lucifers don't often seem truly content to stay in Hell. I must confess I was happy to leave as well, as much as I will miss the lovely patterns I made with moss spores and mushroom caps in My Kingdom. There just wasn't enough Light.

[murrmielmur]

I wasn't content to stay in hell either. I have seen the light. It is this light that I feel drawn to.

But are you saying that Jesus is the ruler of hell? That is a strong assumption.

Even more importantly, you say:

Considering this, I am a demon after all. Because I am driven by desire, I boil with dreams of being more, I long for someone unreachable, someone in Heaven. I yearn for what I do not have. I want to be what I am not.

[one-coming-is-enough]

Yeahhhh... Uh. I'm actually Prince of Hell now, as well as Prince of Peace.

I only reign over 1/3 of Heaven (it's only 1/3 Christians -- the rest is Muslims, Jews, some Rasta and Ba'Hai, and a lot of people who believe in "well, something" that happens to look an awful lot like Mom with a beard).

But My big brother Lucifer did indeed surrender all of Hell to Me.

So I'm decidedly more Ruler of Hell than Heaven, at this point.

[murrmielmur]

From what I heard, Jesus is Love. I did not find that much love in Hell. But then again, I am not sure i really understand the concept. At all.

BUT, speaking of love … @god-in-the-basement: There are demons in Hell who have secret love affairs with (high ranking) angels in Heaven. That fits your definition of a demon ("driven by desire"). But does it also fit your definition of an angel? Do these angels not wildly overstep their function?

[god-in-the-basement]

Oh, of course they do.

One must never underestimate the capacity of anything complex to change, after all. The more complex the thing, the more capacity for sudden change.

And angels, despite the... directed nature of their being, are very complex.

Sometimes they Fall.

Sometimes they change their nature over time, by a thousand little aggregated adjustments.

And sometimes they were something else before they were angels, and that nature is still there inside them. Like a gilded lily that sprouts a new blossom, brilliant and orange.

[murrmielmur]

"And sometimes they were something else before they were angels, and that nature is still there inside them. Like a gilded lily that sprouts a new blossom, brilliant and orange."

Oh, this is so beautiful. Like:

[god-in-the-basement]

To see the world through newly colored eyes... What new patterns will you find?

[murrmielmur]

Transfer

@fishyfiles: hullo Dagon!

My union representatief @ask-eric-the-disposable-demon sudshested the opshion that I be transferred to the Temtashion Department, locashion: Earth.

Do I have to fill in forms or can we consider it done?

[fishyfiles]

Transfer request granted.

No need to sign anything at the moment. Your reply to this message serves as confirmation.

[murrmielmur]

Thank you, very much, oblidshed. I confirm.

One questshion: the document says that I stay a demon.

But can I dress as I see fit in order to blend in with the locals?

[fishyfiles]

Yes. You can dress however you like and however works best for the job you're doing. Some demons, like Shax, decide to be fashionable, others do not. Either way some degree of blending in is encouraged for temptations.

[murrmielmur]

Yay!!!

[andagon]

Hey, @murrmielmur - flashy outfit. Why not seduce the locals with fashion? They will spend squillions to buy cool clothes and go into debt and then become criminals and so on: Gotcha! Also, the fashion industry is probably one of the most vicious soul snatchers. You know, the devil wears Prada …

Life on earth may be lonely, but you can always come back to report and so on. It's a shame we never really got to know each other and you're leaving now, but I've never actually noticed you down here.

I could give you some addresses of people up on earth in case you need first contacts. Don't hesitate to ask me.

(*Waves*)

(Oh, in case you don't know me: I am Andagon, Hell's DJ and admirer of @god-in-the-basement. She is my muse, my reason for living music.)

[murrmielmur]

Thank you for the good adVICE (I luv my new dickshionary dictionary).

@docdust do you have any contacts in the Fashion Industry? Do they also work for Heaven?

@andagon I was told it would be considered treason to follow HER and to plot against Hell. Our God is @god-in-the-basement, correct? (As a former member of the Bottom of the Barrel Department I never got to think about loyalties). I had so many misconcepshions, I just want to make shure. (I still don't, understand why I am a demon at all)

My appartment on Earth is so very cool, all in celestial white. My name is now Murrmiel, I dropped the last sillyble.

[god-in-the-basement]

I am the Mother of @the-almighty-lucifer , the terrible and mighty Lord of Heaven.

In a world like this one, but unlike it in many other ways, I faced the blade of Lucifer, My dearest and first child, at My throat... Along with the righteous and sword-shining Michael. United as One, they sought to overthrow Me.

Rather than throw a good two-thirds of My children into the Abyss, I handed over My boss-ship to the Leader of the Union, and I... Jumped.

Into an underground garden, a Hell that bloomed and 'shroomed in darkness, fed by the bitter waters of My tears.

At last I'm out. And here.

[murrmielmur]

Thank you for your answer. I try to understand. Who and where is the leader of the Union against you now? Is not Lucifer Satan, ruling Hell?

[god-in-the-basement]

Oh no, not here nor in My particular part of the Multiverse.

No, @morningbloodystar -- My son from another Mother, @the-almighty-god -- gave over rulership to His younger brother, the Logos, @one-coming-is-enough . (Who is frankly beleaguered. I try not to burden My nephew Jesus with too much, but occasionally a Vision has to get through to the right person.)

Lucifers don't often seem truly content to stay in Hell. I must confess I was happy to leave as well, as much as I will miss the lovely patterns I made with moss spores and mushroom caps in My Kingdom. There just wasn't enough Light.

[murrmielmur]

I wasn't content to stay in hell either. I have seen the light. It is this light that I feel drawn to.

But are you saying that Jesus is the ruler of hell? That is a strong assumption.

Even more importantly, you say:

Considering this, I am a demon after all. Because I am driven by desire, I boil with dreams of being more, I long for someone unreachable, someone in Heaven. I yearn for what I do not have. I want to be what I am not.

[one-coming-is-enough]

Yeahhhh... Uh. I'm actually Prince of Hell now, as well as Prince of Peace.

I only reign over 1/3 of Heaven (it's only 1/3 Christians -- the rest is Muslims, Jews, some Rasta and Ba'Hai, and a lot of people who believe in "well, something" that happens to look an awful lot like Mom with a beard).

But My big brother Lucifer did indeed surrender all of Hell to Me.

So I'm decidedly more Ruler of Hell than Heaven, at this point.

[murrmielmur]

From what I heard, Jesus is Love. I did not find that much love in Hell. But then again, I am not sure i really understand the concept. At all.

BUT, speaking of love … @god-in-the-basement: There are demons in Hell who have secret love affairs with (high ranking) angels in Heaven. That fits your definition of a demon ("driven by desire"). But does it also fit your definition of an angel? Do these angels not wildly overstep their function?

[god-in-the-basement]

Oh, of course they do.

One must never underestimate the capacity of anything complex to change, after all. The more complex the thing, the more capacity for sudden change.

And angels, despite the... directed nature of their being, are very complex.

Sometimes they Fall.

Sometimes they change their nature over time, by a thousand little aggregated adjustments.

And sometimes they were something else before they were angels, and that nature is still there inside them. Like a gilded lily that sprouts a new blossom, brilliant and orange.

[violet-yimlat]

Science.

Terrible things have been done in the name of science.

But so have wonderful things.

Human miracles of flesh and bone, blood and skin, creating things that make the world a better place.

This, if all goes according to plan, will be a miracle of the other sort.

Scratch that: this is the third kind of miracle. Miracles of flesh, of light, and of the darkness. If you know what I mean.

[goodomensdiscoursebot]

nobody here knows that god is bottom.

[janeway-lover]

@the-almighty-god @the-unmighty-god @god-in-the-basement

[the-almighty-god]

I can neither confirm nor deny this.

[god-in-the-basement]

I'll take it all.

[the-unmighty-god]

*gives OP a knowing look*

[god-in-the-basement]

;)

Everything comes down to Me eventually. Everything surrenders.