₊✩‧₊˚ Grave ˚₊✩‧₊

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟 Hx/Hxm

[grave-has-ghosts]

‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹ Hi!

My name's Grave

A quick intro...

꒰ྀི১ ໒꒱ིྀ

I have survived ST and other traumas throughout my life.. I will not be quiet about it but I will TW

ʚɞ Bodily . . .

20 , white , intersex , disabled , semiverbal due to FND and autism

ʚɞ Disabled with . . .

FND , Fibromyalgia , POTS , HEDS , Endometriosis and possibly more

ʚɞ Also got . . .

HC-DID , OCD , Cluster B + C PD's , AuDHD

ʚɞ Some of my stances . . .

anti harrassment , anti endo (and all kinds of 'non traumagenic plurality'... its ableist) , pro abortion , anti TMA/TME labels (they're intersexist and transandrophobic) , anti transandrophobia/transmisogyny , anti proship

ʚɞ I hate/DNI . . .

zionists , bootlickers , bigots , calling other introjects of the same source 'doubles' , poor use of TWs , people who believe in cluster B abuse , AI bullshit

꒰ྀི১ ໒꒱ིྀ

ʚɞ Important to note . . .

I often lose the ability to communicate coherently due to FND- be patient or be ableist , I also have visual issues caused by FND and may misread a lot. I have difficulty understanding large chunks of information and complex wording due to my disabilities... be understanding of this or again, be ableist.

ʚɞ Tags . . .

Original posts: grave posting

Anons/asks: grave responds

Reblogs: grave posession

Vents/rants: grave gets mad too

Silly posting: boo!

[grave-has-ghosts]

EVERYTHING TASTES AND SMELLS WRONG

like excuse me why does it either taste like ash/cardboard or completely spoiled... and smell like rotting meat?

[grave-has-ghosts]

mental health so bad i gotta go rewatch eddy burback and ted nivison doing the rainforest cafe and margaritaville tours.

[grave-has-ghosts]

as someone pretty severely disabled by a whole bunch of conditions i feel the need to say this:

a lot of what you see as normal is privileged if you are non disabled or less severely disabled

i cannot physically keep my flat clean without help. tasks take days at a time and i can't even do my rubbish or recycle. i also can't often walk my bins to the kerb.

i cannot do my hobbies often. i can't draw, paint or play music most of the time despite them being my hobbies. so people will say they aren't hobbies because i can only do them maybe once a month

i cannot go to protests. yes i'm being serious. i'm punk but i can't make it to protests or pretty much any public eveny

i can't make phone calls or even pick up of the phone 90% of the time. i miss important things and i can't control it

being disabled isn't just the initial physical symptoms, it's so much more.

[grave-has-ghosts]

"always following behind you"

i am SICK my heart breaks every time i remember Killua exists as a character

related to him so hard (abuse and all) and i havent found a single character like him that i relate to in that way (Kurapika comes close tbh but... my god)

also he's in my head but that's besides the poiny

[grave-has-ghosts]

in all of the body acceptance movement i haven't heard people use the word bloating positively/as it should

i get told i can't say i'm bloated because i'm skinnier

i have endometriosis and i dress strategically around my bloating to avoid discomfort

bloating is not a bad thing

anyone can be bloated

i hate people calling it "endo belly" because i want to be able to call it what it is. i personally find it disgusting that we're steering people away from using the proper language because we shame anyone who has chronic bloating issues like myself

why are we attributing negativity to something so normal *STILL*

[grave-has-ghosts]

on todays episode of what does my partner do in their sleep

a random load of seal belly slaps?

... big loud fart

muttering incoherently as usual

they are secretly a seal

[grave-has-ghosts]

ocd is like ... terrifying and all but also i sometimes feel like its just this annoying whiny little asshole going "oooo ur gonna suffocate if u sleep"

like go home already i didnt ask ur opinion

[grave-has-ghosts]

love how people have pretended for years my puberty and everything was normal

anyway "second" puberty at 20 despite no changes to my lifestyle whatsoever and this is genuinely so fucking odd

[grave-has-ghosts]

i hate when endos use the whole "outside of tumblr and in the real world you won't see people debating us they just accept us"

uh

every person i have ever encountered in the wild has been horrified by the thought of endos trying to be a thing

they just don't go round saying it cus it's not a tumblr blog where they post their vents and negative thoughts or viewpoints all the time

because they have actual conversations

[almost-solace]

I want to talk about the side effects of programming that aren’t actual programs. There’s so much more to the trauma than that, such as:

- refusing to form relationships, especially if local, because of the fear that the new person knows or is affiliated with your abuser(s).

- being able to identify exactly what you are feeling, but unable to express the emotion. happy but can’t smile. sad but can’t cry. angry but can’t scream. scared but you’re not shaking.

- letting people hurt you, or hurting yourself, because you enjoy it. not even thinking you deserve it. you genuinely enjoy being hurt, because it’s all you’ve known.

- avoiding certain buildings, rooms, parks, roads, and places because they feel vaguely familiar, but you don’t know why.

- on the contrary, driving straight to those places for the same reason. you don’t know why, but you have a connection to this place, and you have to go.

- always assuming the worst out of loved ones. your partner forgot to text you before they left? they hate you and are plotting how to leave for good. friend gave you a gift? they’re testing your reaction to see if you really like them.

- struggling with hygiene. not because you deserve to not be taken care of, but because you don’t know how to take care of yourself. you don’t know how to brush your teeth. you don’t know how often to change clothes.

- not knowing the difference between good and bad smells. you’re sweaty and people keep looking at you funny? it’s fine, it’s not that strong. someone says your clothes smell dirty? they were cleaned a week ago, so they’re fine.

- finding people who are positive or happy either weird or stupid. i hate that girl, she’s too bubbly. that guy smiles too much. they’re too nice to me, they probably don’t even know what it’s like to suffer.

and it’s never on purpose. usually it’s never even noticed. this is how we survivors have lived for our whole lives. this is the environment we grew up in, the place we learned to survive. and it’s hard to adjust to a world where you are seen as weird, gross, or mentally unwell. it’s hard to open up and get help from people who think you’re too far gone.

[grave-has-ghosts]

another one along the lines of the going to and avoiding places...

wanting to leave the city it happened in but feeling so terrified of being too far from it

[grave-has-ghosts]

me when i

when i

energy gone and engaging feels done so just... press like and we acknowledge conversation done i can go now :) /pos

[grave-has-ghosts]

ARFID sucks

anyway new safe foods introduced today!!

Subway! specifically two sandwiches have been deemed safe (one is on the fence because i'm worried by the possible change in texture but it should be okay!)

after FND added disgeusia to the mix of symptoms i really struggled because i lost a safe food to it, so adding two entire MEALS is huge!!!

the two safe sandwiches are one i made up with my partner's help (we went through each topping and i picked ones i know i usually like) and tuna-mayo with sweetcorn and cheese (toasted of course)

[grave-has-ghosts]

our partner found a little unicorn activity book for one of our littles!

SUBLIME!

(it also means the host gets to age regress which he doesn't do often anymore cus of trauma but i think it'd really help after [insert personal experience here] happened haha)

[grave-has-ghosts]

ooooohhhh that account that reblogged me with a whole wall of "information" and fucking virtue signalled does this with a lot of other anti endos who even DARE to tag a post as 'did community' or shit like that

bestie just fucking block the anti endo tags and stop this self-righteous 'crusade' against other disabled people

just cus ur also diagnosed and u say it as the first thing in every gross fucking reblog NOBODY ASKED FOR and asked you to LITERALLY DNI ON does not mean u can be ableist to us by opening us up to harassment from fucking posers, fakers and ableists

AND AGAIN: if they had simply messaged and asked to have a CIVIL CONVERSATION rather than invade people's curated safe spaces with that shit, i wouldnt be anywhere near this negative

(i recommend blocking that account if you post anything anti endo to avoid having to be subjected to that)

[grave-has-ghosts]

i gotta say i hate those apps that are for 'self care' but if you miss even one day or have one task be delayed by a few hours the "pet" it gives you fucking cries and shit because you weren't able to brush your teeth immediately/at all

[reddragoncollective]

Before you make a post about how the morality/beliefs of each and every one of your alters represents your morality/beliefs as a person, remember that you are describing a disorder in which the most common type of introject is of an abuser. Yes, you are your alters, but this has nuance. Your mind did not consider your own moral compass when it split the parts it thought you needed, it was simply trying to survive. Acceptance must come first for healing and growth to come later.