d e x

the endless screaming of my mind she/they | eng & deu

[greater-grief]

it's strange,

loving someone.

the type of love where picking them up from the airport makes your chest feel like it'll crack.

the type of love where every minute with them goes by too quickly and you wish it would last longer.

the type of love where you talk through every movie but it's okay because you both know the plot.

the type of love where waking up in the morning is okay as long as you have them to turn to.

the type of love where your walls become slowly decorated with polaroids of them and you do nothing but stare at them in awe.

loving someone like that is strange.

and now, i sit in my car fearful to go inside because i know you won't be there.

so i just watch the snow carefully fill the windshield and i will stay here till my body gets cold enough to force me indoors.

to face the fact that you aren't there.

to face the fact that i love you.

[vivalasigh]

Jericho Brown, "To Be Asked for a Kiss"

[greater-grief]

i wonder,

frequently wonder,

what life would've been like to you if alcohol didn't take it over.

what would have been like if your lips never wrapped around a bottle and drank your fill of the harsh liquid?

what would of happened if you never got that unquenchable thirst?

or even what would happen if you still did it all, no redos, but just learned to control it.

would you have had a happier childhood?

would you have been less of a child grasping at straws to be happy and instead be an adult finding it in your own actions?

would you remember more memories instead of forgetting them and constantly changing the narrative?

would you stop using it as an excuse for all your mistakes in life?

it's a rhetorical question.

i know if you could go back and redo it all, it would still end the same.

you would still prefer to be laid out in the grass, trying to focus your blurred eyes on the stars, instead of putting yourself to bed.

you would still prefer to quiet the constant noises in your head with a bottle or two instead of just turning up the music.

i know, deep down, i could beg you to stop,

i could beg for you to just drink some tea instead,

i could beg you to just get into bed with me and go to sleep,

i could promise you all the things life has to offer if you just set down the bottle,

i know in the end you would still continue.

[greater-grief]

kiss me.

please bruise my skin.

kiss my lips so hard i know nothing more than the taste of yours.

indent my skin with your fingertips so when mine run over them i am reminded of you.

start gently, don't scare me off, but then bruise me so i can never forget you.

it may hurt.

it may hurt a lot, but that's okay.

what hurts more is the idea of forgetting you.

so make sure i don't.

[inanotherunivrse]

in another universe you didn’t die, and we got our life together

[greater-grief]

have you seen my dad?

excuse me, i don't mean to pester,

but have you seen him?

he's tall, maybe 5'11?

he has blue eyes like mine, striking but sad.

he's kind, far too kind for this world.

he doesn't laugh often but when he does it's so full of happiness that everything wrong disappears.

his cologne, i don't know the name, but i know the smell as i've smelt it my whole life.

have you seen him?

have you seen my dad, my wonderful dad?

you have?

oh.

i'm sorry. my brain gets confused.

of course you've seen him.

he was tall, 5'11 and a half.

he had blue eyes, just like mine, striking but sad.

he was kind, far too kind for this world.

and that's why he had to leave.

there he is.

my wonderful dad.

now nothing more than a headstone.

[inanotherunivrse]

in another universe i wonder, would i still be so hard to love?

[greater-grief]

pieces of you

you may have left me long ago.

our love left to sit on a shelf and grow dusty,

but no matter how desperately i try, i can't forget you.

your shadow haunts my room,

the stain of your messy departure still forever staining the carpet,

pieces of what was left of us prick my fingers as i attempt to move on.

feverishly i try to sweep, scrub, mop, anything to make it all go away. to make it all brand new.

untouched.

like it never happened.

but no amount of soap will cleanse me.

[greater-grief]

a year off and i'm back. hello tumblr :)

[greater-grief]

i kneel over the toliet. heaving.

my cheek rests against the cold porcelain as my chest rises and falls rapidly.

each cough, every hack, each gag burns my throat more than the last.

i try repeatedly to get the poison out of my body.

i realize as nothing but yellow bile comes up for the fourth time, that i'm trying to get you out.

trying to cleanse myself, body and soul, of you.

my sides burn as i heave once more while you fill my brain.

it makes me sick but there's nothing in my stomach to throw up anymore.

why do i do this to myself?

am i a masochist?

what joy would this ever bring me?

the answers are all on the tip of my tongue but i refuse to let it out.

the stress is making me physically ill so why don't i stop?

is this what being a lovesick fool is?

my legs give out on me.

my cheek now against the even colder bathroom floor.

lovesick fool.

bound to do it all over again.

[greater-grief]

tw : allusions to sa

"just say no."

but they take no as a challenge.

they take no and make me feel guilty for it.

they take my no and turn it into a yes.

i did all i could.

i said no.

i told them to stop.

i tried to move.

i tried to distract.

i did it all.

so what, pray tell, am i supposed to do when my 'no' doesn't work?

it's never "just no".

[greater-grief]

last night i cried in your room.

you held me, gently rubbing up and down my arms, but my tears wouldn't stop.

my head tucked perfectly under yours as teardrops filled my glasses.

you kept asking me if it was your fault, making me promise that i'd tell you if it was.

the desperation in your soft voice broke me.

you wanted me to speak, to soothe your worries thus soothing mine too, but i couldn't.

all my words died on my lips coming out as nothing but an exhale of air.

you don't deserve this.

i am a mess of human emotions that come out at the most inconvenient of times.

i can't comfort myself nor you with my words.

you deserve so much better than i can ever aspire to give.

last night i cried in your room.

tears fell from my cheeks staining your tshirt.

whispered one sided words filled the space between us.

you deserve better than someone who can only cry.

[greater-grief]

i wish i had the words to tell you how i feel.

how much i love you.

how much you mean.

how important you are to me.

but it's all new to me,

the words get stuck in my throat, choking me.

so i just hug you tightly and hope you get what i mean.

i pray to the god i don't even believe in that you know.

somewhere deep down you know.

i hope you always know.

[greater-grief]

to z,

it wasn't your fault.

it never was. nor will it ever be.

you were a kid.

kids deserve happiness and love yet you got none of that.

still, here you stand.

i know that hurt little child still lives inside you and no matter how much you try to push him away, you can't.

because he is you.

you are him.

and i know you hate that but with time you'll love him too.

you are not the monster you think you are.

in fact, you aren't even close to it.

you give so much to the world and the people you care endlessly for and ask for nothing in return.

it pains me to see because you think you are so simply replaceable,

so easily forgotten.

but i think for the rest of my days i will remember you and the time we've spent together.

i've never met anyone like you and i don't think i ever will again.

unfortunately i think i could scream this all off the highest peak and you still wouldn't understand it.

but i pray someday you do.

even if we aren't in each others lives when you do.

you are light.

you are love.

you are all that is good in the world and much more.

you just have to see it.

because everyone else already does.

[greater-grief]

i lay here, with you in my arms.

the moonlight from the window perfectly illuminates your frame.

your breathing has softened, and your body has leaned into mine.

this would be the most heavenly way to die.

[greater-grief]

"will you be my girlfriend"

i blindly told you yes.

knowing full well when i leave, to continue my life, i will have the heartbreak of my life.

because, though it was short, i love you.

it's stupid. it's naïve.

it's a young lovers mistake.

but for now, i will share the sun with you.

for now, i will lean into your touch.

for now, i will hold you as if you'll disappear.

because ultimately, you will.

and i will too.

[greater-grief]

we're just strangers.

strangers with history.

strangers who've met each others parents.

strangers who've screamed their love to the stars.

that's all we are.

strangers.

yet, when i hear your name my breath still hitches.

when i see the forgotten clothes you left at my house, i hold them closer than i ever held you.

when i find your old love notes, tattered from being unfolded and folded over and over, i can hear you reading them to me.

through all that, you'll still forever be a stranger to me.