If you're one of the many people who are routinely traumatized by having to merge on the highway, there is good news. Here at Seat Safety Switch's Merge Buddies, we'll appoint someone who knows where the fucking gas pedal is to make sure you can merge onto the highway.
Taking advantage of our services is easy: just pull over at one of our facilities, located conveniently at every major on-ramp of the highway. Then, get the fuck out of the driver's seat and stop fucking touching anything. Don't talk, either, because someone who thinks it's okay to go onto the highway doing 40 under the speed limit probably has nothing worth saying either. Then, sit back and relax. When you get to your destination, the operator will park at the nearest Merge Buddies location, get out, and leave you to bumblefuck your way through even the simplest surface streets until it's time to go home.
Payment couldn't be easier: simply submit your route plan 14 to 21 days in advance, and submit payment. Right now, it can be as cheap as $12.95 per kilometre. People who regularly drive on the highway and still haven't figured out how to use their fucking mirrors or match the indicated speed on their dashboard to a God-damned speed limit sign right in front of them can take advantage of our monthly Merge Masters plan and save a couple bucks on each trip. It adds up!
The savings don't stop there. With our insurance partners, you can also get a massive discount on auto coverage. Why? Because with someone who is capable of properly operating an automobile driving your piece of shit too-big SUV, the chances of your dumb ass getting rear ended by someone trying to keep up with the regular flow of traffic will be minimized. So sign up today, and stop getting in the way of everyone else! Remember our slogan: It's Either This Or Properly Funding Public Transit®.
