Peachy-Queen

22 Year Old Lesbian Grump She/Her.

[hoping-for-novelty]

[tehnakki]

I adore this human being SO MUCH.

[itreallyatemyhand]

I hate that the "x reader" or "x Y/N" style of fanfic has become sooooo popular, partially because it's just not for me and partially because they clog general non-fic related tags and those authors seem allergic to the "read more" function on this website, but ALSO because I believe that you should have to go through the trouble of creating an absolutely batshit self-insert character, with a backstory that makes no sense and a name that doesn't really gel with the aesthetics of the universe. Legolas and Aragorn should be in a love triangle with Kylie, the angsty sixteen year old half-human half-elf and inexplicable tenth member of the Fellowship. Do the WORK. If everyone was doing "Y/N" nonsense back in the day, there would be no Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, or probably Bella Swan. These are important women. They deserve to be named, confusingly and with no regard for the fictional world they inhabit.

[facelessoldgargoyle]

to be honest I think working on a sewing machine strains my eyes as much as being on a computer does. However, I am incentivized to remain alert and focused by keeping my fingers within stabbing distance of a needle making 60 stitches per minutes.

[facelessoldgargoyle]

Me: oh boy I can’t wait to have a cool jacket

The hungry and voracious sewing machine: CHUNK-A CHUNK-A CHUNK-A CHUNK-A CHUNK-A CHUNK-A CHUNK-A CHUNK-A CHUNK-A CH

[snazzy-hats-and-adhd]

@luxlightly I wanna meet your junki deathmetal ultrafuck, they sound capable of sewing me a tool pouch.

[luxlightly]

It's a Juki TL-2000Qi semi-industrial sewing machine and it can probably sew through solid steel.

It does exactly two things, a forward straight stitch and a backward straight stitch, and you'll be GODDAMN grateful it even lets you do that. You want to do zig zags? Get fucked.

Threading it takes about 10 steps and feels like trying to defuse a bomb. It's got a side fed bobbin case that takes an additional 3 or 4 steps to thread. If it's not sharp or strong enough, it'll snap through a heavy duty needle and without even slowing down, no matter stopping, sending the tip flying through the air at speeds capable of sending a piece of straw through a telephone pole. It's compatible with exactly 0 of any other parts from any other brand machine except sometimes needles and it has a palpable air of bloodlust surrounding it.

But it'll sew through 4 layers of denim like a hot knife through butter.

[elljayvee]

sewing machine fandom has some terrifying blorbos

[deaths-motto]

This is Connie, she's my beautiful wild lady and she'll knash and tear and stare at my delicious fingertips like 🥺 mum plz just one bite..

She's a 2nd hand industrial machine and I have had a needle go straight through my finger before because I didn't respect her effervescent power 😔

Remember kids, industrials hold electric charge for a little while after turning them off so do NOT start digging around for the bobbin thread with your foot innocently resting on the pedal, this machine went straight through my finger, luckily just missed the bone..

Love her though ❤️

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

listen I ended up regretting saying anything about this on my old blog because people will interpret literally any and every statement maliciously on this hellsite but I want to start like. a helpline for people who are like “hey I pretty much only read YA but I’m like 22 now and don’t relate to teenagers as much, it’s such a shame that there are no fun books written for adults :(” because boy HOWDY are there some fun books for adults 

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

maybe I’ll start a big google doc or something one day but for now *deep breath*

The Beautiful Ones (Silvia Moreno-Garcia) - absolutely BUCKWILD romance with a dash of telekinesis; nonstop high society drama and misunderstanding from start to finish, happy ending guaranteed. STRONGLY recommend if you, like me, are a basic bitch who enjoys a bit of Pride and Prejudice. 

Binti (Nnedi Okorafor) - a math prodigy runs away from Earth to become the first of her people to attend a prestigious university in space, but shit gets real when a crew of hostile jellyfish aliens attack her ship. 

Chilling Effect (Valerie Valdes) - a spaceship captain and her crew take on a series of convoluted missions in order to rescue the captain’s sister, who’s been frozen and held for ransom. 

The City of Brass (S.A. Chakraborty) - an 18th century conwoman and a mysterious djinn team up to go looking for a legendary hidden city.

The City We Became (N.K. Jemisin) - a scrappy bunch of Chosen Ones have to band together to defend New York City (which is very much alive) from a huge ass monster. 

The Empress of Forever (Max Gladstone) - a lady supervillain gets blasted into space and meets an even bigger, planet-destroying evil space empress. literally WHAT is not to like?

The Empress of Salt and Fortune (Nghi Vo) - high fantasy royal drama about a woman making her way to power in the wake of a political marriage that left without friends or allies. 

Escaping Exodus (Nicky Drayden) - a space-faring clan are creating their latest spaceship from the insides of a giant monster when absolutely everything goes to shit (as things are wont to do in science fiction stories). 

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars (Kai Cheng Thom) - a trans girl runs away to the big city, where she uses her martial arts skills to team up with other trans woman and form a vigilante gang to defend their own when police look the other way. a fascinating blend of poetry and prose and magical realism. 

Finna (Nino Cipri) - two exes working at an IKEA have to team up to save a customer who disappeared through one of those interdimensional portals that all IKEAs have laying around. you know how it is.

Gideon the Ninth (Tamsyn Muir) - come on, you’ve heard about this one. it’s the one with the lesbian space necromancers? yeah, that’s the one. you got it.

In the Vanishers’ Palace (Aliette de Bodard) - a Beauty and the Beast retelling based in science fiction and Vietnamese fantasy, featuring a young woman falling in love with a “beast” who’s actually a motherly dragon after becoming a tutor to the dragon’s two powerful children. 

Jade City (Fonda Lee) - urban fantasy gang wars, pitting one magically enhanced family against rivals and a new drug that lets anyone mimic their abilities. 

The Library of the Unwritten (A.J. Hackwith) - hell’s librarian gets sent on a quest to find a runaway soul. 

The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet (Becky Chambers) - aka one of my favorite books ever, essentially slice of life science fiction following an interspecies crew of deep space truckers making the longest and most complicated delivery of their lives. very warm and fuzzy. 

Mort (Terry Pratchett) - one of many MANY Discworld books, but a very good one to start with, following the adventures of a boy named Mort after he’s taken on as Death’s apprentice. you know, like the Grim Reaper? that Death. 

River of Teeth (Sarah Gailey) - historical AU in which the United States imported and domesticated hippos in the Mississippi River; follows a crew of hippo-riding crooks and hooligans as they plan one heck of a caper. 

Space Opera (Catherynne Valente) - a washed up rock star and his old bandmate get roped into performing in an intergalactic singing competition that will determine the fate of the entire planet Earth. full of aliens, attempted assassination, art, and emotional turmoil. 

This Is How You Lose the Time War (Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone) - time-travelling assassins from rival factions fall in love in a poetic and breathless story that spans centuries and reality. 

Under the Pendulum Sun (Jeannette Ng) - fairyland is real, and Victorian England is sending missionaries. a woman and her brother attempt to bring the good word to the fair folk, but start to suspect the queen might just be screwing with their heads. PEAK gothic horror with a creepy fairy twist. 

Witchmark (C.L. Polk) - a doctor and former soldier with magical powers of healing is trying to live a quiet life and avoid his controlling, aristocratic family’s plans for him, only to get tangled up in a massive political conspiracy when one of his patients mysterious dies. accompanying him in his investigation is a mysterious and gorgeous faerie man. romance ensues. 

[bittenwraths]

The First Sister by Linden A Lewis. Three protagonists and all of them queer, a fun space opera. It’s not out yet, but I can tell you it’s really, really good. I highly recommend

Gods of Jade and Shadow another Silvia Moreno-Garcia book. It takes place in 1920s Mexico and has Mayan gods. A fun breezy book.

Kill the Queen by Jennifer Estep. If you like YA fantasy but want a little more swearing, violence and sex then this novel is for you.

The Bridge Kingdom by Danielle Jensen. This one I really enjoyed. If you like the winner’s curse then you’ll like this book.

Books I haven’t read but I’ve heard good things about

Trouble the Saints by Alaya Dawn Johnson. This one isn’t out it but I believe it’s got a black protagonist.

Empire of Sand by Tasha Suri. An Indian inspired fantasy novel. I haven’t read this one but I’ve heard good things about it.

Rage of Dragons by Evan Winters. A black fantasy novel.

The Unspoken Name by AK Larkwood. I haven’t read it but I know it’s got a lesbian protagonist.

Song of Blood and Stone by L. Penelope. Just started this book but I believe it’s for adults.

Tiger’s Daughter by K Arsenault Rivera. Lesbian protagonists and it’s still on my tbr.

[chillgamesh-the-swing]

A great way to get back into the habit of reading and discover new authors is to pick up an anthology of shorter works. You can find them in any genre, on all kinds of specific themes, by diverse authors, and if one story isn’t your jam you can move on. A couple of my favorites are:

Biketopia: Feminist Bicycle Science Fiction in Extreme Futures;

Solarpunk: Ecological and Fantastical Stories in a Sustainable World

A People’s Future of the United States

Sisters of the Revolution: A feminist speculative fiction anthology

plus a few more full length books i like:

Singing the Dogstar Blues by Alison Goodman - space college punk with a harmonica what time travel crimes will she commit, queerplatonic human/alien relationships, very fun all around

Becky Chambers has several excellent books in the same setting as Long Way to a Small Angry Planet!

Nnedi Okorafor also has a bunch of great ones including sequels to Binti and other scifi/Afrofuturist works do NOT sleep on her

The Last Girl Scout by Natalie Ironside - if u like trans lesbians fighting zombies and nazis and vampires in the Appalachian nuclear wasteland I CANNOT recommend it enough.

[actualblanketgremlin]

Bloodsucking Fiends/Bite Me/You Suck by Christopher Moore - two new vampires navigate un-living and love in San Francisco.

A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore - What happens when the grim reaper dies? A thrift store owner gets a mysterious letter in the mail–he’s been appointed to be the grim reaper for San Francisco. The plot kicks in when a couple demons arrive and try to steal the souls of the recently deceased. Plus, there’s some crossover with the Bloodsucking Fiends trilogy! This guy really likes San Francisco as a setting.

Practical Demonkeeping by Christopher Moore (can you tell I really like this author? Lmao) - A seminary student accidentally summons an ancient demon and gives away the object that would banish him again. He then spends 70 years tracking them down again. Only problem is, he has to keep feeding the demon, who won’t leave him alone, and who is invisible. Very funny, I love Moore’s writing style. Our main character makes the demon help him cheat at pool for car repairs.

[bemusedlybespectacled]

If I might add:

A Taste of Gold and Iron by Alexandra Rowland. First of all, THE WORLDBUILDING. I can’t even explain just how much worldbuilding, but the short list: fantasy Ottoman Empire except polytheistic and matriarchal, the royal family is protected by The World’s Most Competent and Well-Treated Bodyguards, there is a legally- and socially-recognized third gender, and some people can tell the composition of metals by touching them. Second of all: Prince/bodyguard romance with a heavy dose of power dynamics kink. Very sexy. Third of all: the main plot is a political intrigue mystery involving counterfeit money. Practically tailor-made for me.

Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik. Fantasy Russian Empire with three first person POV narrators, who are each living out three different but interlocking fairy-tale-esque storylines involving Ice Fey Folk and fire demons. One of them is Jewish and that (and antisemitism) inform a significant part of her story. BIG fan of the worldbuilding here as well.

The Queen’s Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner: So, the FIRST one is YA. All of the SUBSEQUENT ones are arguably more adult, as they deal with adult topics like the logistics of war and political intrigue and amputation. Alternate history Greece at war with alternate history Sumer, where everything is basically non-fantasy EXCEPT the gods are real and they communicate directly with one (1) absolute mad lad. Also lots of good world building, including in-universe myths and history.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

If I were an evil emperor in a fantasy world, I would have a an enormous aviary full of exotic birds that are exceptionally well cared for. They would be from a distant enough land that there would be very few people in my kingdom that knew much about them, they would be a friendly but not overly territorial species, and moderately intelligent. Like puffins. They would not, crucially, be able to imitate sounds and 'speak', but they would be very trainable and curious. Occasionally importing new birds for my aviary would be the Big Frivolous Indulgence that my political enemies make fun of.

I will also have a sorceror in my employ. When a hero or a renegade or a political rival is in a situation where I can safely kill them, they will instead be turned into a bird and added to my aviary. I would not brag about this; it would be a complete secret, known only to me and my sorceror. In situations where I capture multiple people working together, only one would go in the aviary;the others can be imprisoned or killed or whatever. If they escape and I reacquire them later, another one can go in the aviary. The point here is that nobody going in the aviary can safely assume that another bird in there is their teammate.

Because I would be trickling real birds in there, too. And I would train some of them to do 'intelligent' things like tap out prime numbers or scratch shapes into the dirt with their beaks. I would train some of them to pick at the locks and bars as if they were trying to escape. I would not train them all the same way, or train many of them at all.

Sometimes, a new bird goes into the aviary -- fellow revolutionary? Or just a bird? Is it trying to communicate to you that it's human, or just being friendly and imitating you because that's what smart friendly birds do? People would develop opinions and theories over time. They'd amass in a group of the smartest ones, pretty sure that they're closest four or five friends are humans, are using their invented little language of wing-flaps and trills with a human mind behind it... but can they ever really be sure?

Most people, when going into the aviary, would assume that all of the birds are captured enemies. So why are some of them hard to have ongoing communication with, to learn about, to plan with? Are these the natural communication barriers of someone in a bird body, or does being a bird make them stupider over time? Will that happen to them also?

Sometimes, if I capture a pair, I'll imprison them separately, then turn one into a bird and put them in the aviary at the same time as a real bird that's trained to have a couple of their partner's mannerisms.

When I interact with the birds, even in private, I won't secretly mock them or make clever veiled references to their past or act at all like I remember that they were once human. They are my birds, that I imported at great expense. And I've brought a treat for them; some fresh fruit, and another friend to share it with! A new bird!

Or is it?

[dragon-in-a-fez]

I can clearly remember the moment I first realised my mother and I were living on completely different planes of existence. I was 7 years old and I came home from my school's first track and field day having placed second or third in every event. the teachers had been making jokes all afternoon about how many times they had to call my name. my friends thought I was cool as shit. my enemies thought I was cool as shit too, come to think of it. I was proud as hell. so I get home with the entire front of my shirt covered in ribbons like I was a military dictator who'd awarded himself every medal, I walk into the kitchen and tell my mum all about my day, and she goes "oh, that must be disappointing not getting any firsts." and I'm like no?? first of all the first place ribbons are red and I don't like red. second of all look at me. there's literally nowhere left on my body for accolades. I am fucking Jacked of All Trades. how could this possibly be a disappointment.

[lets-talk-about-sects]

Okay kids buckle up for the INSANE story I just heard from my little brother

[lets-talk-about-sects]

**As a disclaimer my brother is a cis straight dude who only dates the most basic white girls you can find. He's very emotionally aware but doesn't linger on his emotions, just processes them and moves on (this is wild to me)**

He calls me on my break just to say hi, that he’s driving back to Denver from visiting his girlfriend, to which I respond “didn’t you break up with your girlfriend (of like a month) last month” and to which he says “yeah I have a new girlfriend, we’ve been together four weeks but I went up to spend the weekend and meet her friends” and I’m like ok great this is already ridiculous

[lets-talk-about-sects]

So we’re chatting and I’m teasing him about how he doesn’t sleep with people on first dates and he says that he’s changed his policy, it’s just that he won’t have sex with them if he’d rather be doing something else, so I joke that I’ve had that where I’d rather be watching the show Chernobyl (true) and he says “yeah or watching a movie with my housemate” and I say hey bud that’s kind of gay and he says yeah I actually had a weird gay moment last night

And I go oh???? And he goes yeah, I was at the bar with the girlfriend and some of her friends and one of them was a guy and we were hitting it off, doing a little flirting as you do with your bros at the bar~

[lets-talk-about-sects]

And then my cis straight brother goes on to explain that sometimes when you’re out with the homies and you’re having a good time and the vibes are right you just give em a little kiss, like just a kiss on the mouth between bros, “no tongue or anything like that but just to express that you’re close and having a good time”

I’m like “My dude that’s not a thing” and he’s like “between confident straight men it is” and I’m like “NO IT’S NOT"

[lets-talk-about-sects]

So there we’ve got my brother having casual queerplatonic relationships with his homies at the bar, and he’s telling me this and I’m obviously speechless, so he goes on and he’s like “so because this guy and I were hitting it off I go in for a little kiss and he fucking swerves me” and I’m like yes my guy but because my brother is actually very good with respecting boundaries he was like “ok man great communication, won’t do it again"

BUT

Apparently my brother and the dude and my brother's GIRLFRIEND who has been there the WHOLE TIME go outside (I assume to have a cigarette but he didn’t tell me that part) and the guy turns to my brother and is like “man I should have kissed you when you offered it” and my brother is like “cool good shit man” like in the most bro way possible and then the guy grabs his face between his hands and just PLANTS a big one on his mouth

And THEN the guy panics and shoves him down on the ground!! And my brother has the normal reaction to being shoved on the ground unexpectedly which is to say “what the FUCK” and the girlfriend says “what the FUCK” and the guy goes “what the FUCK” and leaves

[lets-talk-about-sects]

And my brother ended the story there and was musing on it like "this guy obviously has some complexes to work through about his sexuality, no confident straight man kisses another confident straight man and then panics and runs away”

Which took me out at the KNEES lol

[lets-talk-about-sects]

And that, dear readers, is the batshit story my brother told me!

[lets-talk-about-sects]

OH MY GOD AND

AND

I told my coworker this and they were like I’m actually shipping him and his roommate and I was like HUH because I hadn't considered that and then later my brother sent me a photo of his housemate wearing sexy handcuffs

[lets-talk-about-sects]

nice

[themundanemudperson]

#WILD#this is so validating for fic writers everywhere#your blorbo Can In Fact Be that oblivious

love the prev tags

[certified-cervid]

did you hear?? they FIRED the fox.

[certified-cervid]

not from her job. in a KILN

[certified-cervid]

she's fine :)

[daisy-if-u-do]

oh my gods she's gorgeous

[sail-to-live]

[m-aremagnum]

[jewishdragon]

Hold on i need to ask my friend Claudia, who is a college student and edits wikipedia something real quick...

THIS IS MY FRIEND CLAUDIA

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

villain going to the goon shelter to pick out a new henchman

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

this energetic and diabolical boy was rescued from a goon hoarding situation… he loves pulling levers, gloating, and turning cranks with great abandon. prefers to be the only goon. needs an active lair with plenty of enrichment.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

now this fella comes with some baggage. his previous villain was going to have put down when he refused to perform unsedated human vivisection as a form of torture. one of our agents intercepted the execution and brought him to the goon shelter. would thrive in an environment of G or PG-rated villainry.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

on the other hand, if you’re looking for something a little more… advanced… then this fine lady over here would make a great challenge for an experienced villain able to set firm boundaries. she will NOT be released to first-time villains; proof of prior henchpeople must be demonstrated before adoption approval. high prey drive. under no circumstances should she be left alone with children or small animals. must sign waiver releasing the goon shelter from responsibility if her behavior is deemed excessively depraved.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

These two are pair-bonded and may only be adopted together. Up for anything, they are fiercely loyal to their employer provided their needs are met and they are permitted to hold hands. They look alarmingly similar to one another but it is undeterminable whether they are close blood relatives or lovers who choose to dress and style themselves in identical ways. Habit of finishing each other’s sentences with rhyming couplets; we have not attempted to train this out of them. Will answer to whatever names or titles you give them so long as they are complimentary and/or rhyme.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

Will you help this goon find his forevil lair? He’s been returned to the goon shelter six times now but we refuse to give up on him. A vile little rat of a man, he’d be the perfect accomplice to someone willing to overlook his unfortunate heterosexuality. If gay-coding is not your style and you don’t expect it from a henchman, please consider giving this little guy a good home in your dastardly schemes.

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

This guy is not your typical goon. He was rescued from a high-kill shelter after being deemed unfit for henching. His deep baritone voice, his darkly handsome good looks, and his flair for the dramatic have made prospective employers pass over him time and time again, making him the longest resident of the goon shelter. But don’t judge a book by its cover—while his appearance and demeanor suggest “villain”, his real passion is taking orders and faithfully serving a master. If you’re secure in your villainry and not prone to jealousy, he may just be what it takes to turn your base into a lair.

[charlizetheronsbush-official]

tv pitch: a completely average workplace sitcom except that it’s established at the end of the pilot that it takes place on the 90th floor of the world trade center in 2000. every episode the date is shown, just to build the sense of impending doom. the show is otherwise a completely generic the office ripoff. the intro sequence is a montage of airplanes taking off.

at the end of the second season, we reach 9/10/01. after six months of waiting, season 3 drops. now it’s 9/12/01. nothing has happened. the characters carry on as normal. fans of the series go insane. the show never explains what happened, and continues to pretend it’s a normal sitcom.

[liberalsarecool]

Let's have the conversation about UBI.

Let the actual data and facts end the bad faith arguments.

[wizardshark]

I was a participant of the now cancelled UBI pilot in Ontario Canada. I was happier, safer, was able to move and work at better jobs.

And oops there it is. Better jobs.

Better jobs

It's a class barrier. They need a poverty class to function

[teratocybernetics]

#people being able to leave jobs that maltreat them is a threat to capitalism

[kyraneko]

Being able to force every last job in existence to make itself sufficiently respectful, acceptable, and worthwhile to the worker that someone will choose to do it when NOT goaded by the threat of starvation is probably both the greatest positive effect UBI would accomplish AND the real reason it faces so much opposition.

[vilkalizer]

#people being able to leave jobs that maltreat them is a threat to capitalism

[swimmingblue]

and there it is.

Capitalism needs an underclass. It's not that these jobs are less valuable - in fact, many of them are necessary for society to function. (thank you, sanitation workers!) It's more that capitalism needs these jobs to be seen as less-than so that they can get away with treating these people like shit - bad wages, bad treatment, etc.

If everyone got UBI, a lot of jobs would stand empty. Not because people don't want to do them, but people don't want the bad treatment that comes with them. Employers would be forced to change their methods if they wanted to hire and retain staff, and they don't want to do it.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

#honestly you could probably hire retail workers at like $5 an hour under UBI#but you wouldn't be able to schedule them for a clopen on a weekend and threaten their livelihood if they're five minutes late#would that be worth it? probably to like normal people. megacorps... well.

[thebibliosphere]

I kept myself occupied today by wading through my pile of sewing projects that have been languishing in my office for... I don't want to think about how long.

Anyway, I was halfway through hemming a curtain I'm pretty certain I started making in 2021 when I realized my background TV show had switched at some point and I was now 'watching' Ghost Adventures.

After another twenty minutes of only half-listening because I couldn't be bothered to get up from my sewing machine and change it, I realized they were talking about the physical manifestations of possessions and ghost attacks, and I looked up in time to see a woman sitting in a mold-riddled space (it's worth pointing out the host was wearing a respirator for this exact reason), with all these excited men pointing at the flushing on her neck and face, all of them going, "wow, look! Something hit her, a ghost hit her! That's crazy!"

And the longer I watched, the more I realized she was experiencing what looked like MCAS pattern flushing (which can sometimes look like the lupus butterfly rash, but can spread far more rapidly and will just keep going unless you get away from the trigger. The neck can become especially affected), and then the next day, they asked her how she was feeling and she said, something along the lines of "I'm okay, I had a bit of a migraine this morning, I feel really drained from the ghost attack."

And I was just sitting there. Squinting.

Like, obviously, I cannot diagnose anyone, let alone over a TV show —and who the fuck knows if any of it was real or if the whole thing was faked somehow — but also... I think if you're only experiencing ghosts in your moldy haunted house, and the physical symptoms you describe are flushing, dizziness, nausea, headache, and "feeling an oppressive weight on your chest,' I think you might be having an allergic reaction, actually. (Obligatory Vicotiran doctor: you got ghosts in your veins, here, do some cocaine Benadryl about it.)

"But I was seeing things!!" Mast cell inflammation in the brain can literally make you hallucinate and lose time if it's bad enough. I used to get auditory hallucinations post-anaphylaxis because of how my untreated mast cell disorder manifested. If I start hallucinating sounds, I know it's time for a trip to the hospital because I'm about to need my body weight in intravenous steroids to stay alive.

"But I went to the doctor, and they couldn't find anything wrong." lol. lmao, even.

Like maybe there are ghosts. Maybe they are throwing things at you and telling you to get out. But I think it's because they're trying to save you from the mold. God knows, you're certainly not helping yourself. Wear a mask, get some nasalcrom. Jesus.

[best-blurst-of-times]

[ironbite4]

Teachers have tried this and are amazed when their classes don’t go feral like in the book.  It’s almost as if the book was supposed to be satire and not a treaty on the nature of humanity.

[thedarkbutbeige]

[spaceshipoftheseus]

there’s a timeskip

THERE’S A TIMESKIP

THERE’S A TIMESKIP

THERE’S A TIMESKIP

after losing control of the signal fire there’s a FUCKING TIMESKIP and when the next chapter starts everyone’s hair is several inches longer and their clothes have rotted to shreds and they’re still just kind of chilling!!!!

IT TAKES THE TERRIBLE IMPERIALISM MIND-POISONED EXCESSIVELY BRITISH BOYS IN THE ACTUAL BOOK SEVERAL MONTHS TO COMMIT A SINGLE ACT OF INTENTIONAL VIOLENCE, EVEN THE ONE (1) CHILD WRITTEN AS AN ACTUAL SOCIOPATH

AND then when they DO turn on each other it is because

THERE’S AN UNSPECIFIED WORLD WAR HAPPENING

AND A PILOT’S CORPSE CRASH LANDS ON THE ISLAND POST-DOGFIGHT AND THE CHILDREN MISTAKE THE PARACHUTE FOR A MONSTER AND SPIRAL INTO PARANOIA

BECAUSE CHILDREN INHERIT THE LEGACY AND TRAUMA OF VIOLENCE FROM THE ADULTS WAGING WAR AROUND THEM

HURR DURR IN THE REAL WORLD IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN LIKE IN LORD OF THE FLIES -

IT DIDN’T HAPPEN THAT WAY IN LORD OF THE FLIES EITHER YOU JUST HAVEN’T READ IT SINCE HIGH SCHOOL IF EVER AND DON’T REMEMBER WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN THE GODDAMN BOOK

[randomslasher]

[mayfriend-archive]

#tbf the dude wrote it to be a dick

yes. yes he did. i’m also gonna direct you to the real life ‘lord of the flies’ which occured in the 1960s, when six tongan schoolboys got stranded on a desert island for over a year before being rescued by an australian fisherman (who, it should be noted, later took on all six as crewmembers because the reason they were out in the first place was because they wanted to see the world, and named his ship the Ata after the island they were stranded on). nobody died. the only injuries that occurred were accidental, and when one of the boys broke his leg falling down a cliff, the others braced it and looked after him so well that it healed perfectly. if they argued, then they would literally go to opposite sides of the island until they’d cooled off. after leaving the island, they remained friends for the rest of their lives. here’s a photo of them as adults, with their rescuer (who is third from the left) and other members of his crew.

i read about this in rutger bregman’s human kind, a book i cannot recommend highly enough, but if you don’t want to go and read a whole book about the inherent goodness of humanity (which again, you really should) then the relevant excerpt can be found here.

[mayfriend-archive]

[shitposting-hobbits-to-gallifrey]

Hey @phillipfancypants I am intrigued, go ahead and lay out your argument

[phillipfancypants]

@lizluvscupcakes @hallsofdarkness @shitposting-hobbits-to-gallifrey

the results are in

Okay so basically this all started in 10th grade when my English teacher (idk if this context is needed but she grew up in Yugoslavia in the ‘80s before moving to the US as a teen and she has a VERY thick accent. She’s about 6’4” and has huge black hair that sticks out all around her head. She’s the human embodiment of a corvid bird. Truly such a fascinating person) anyway she was talking about Lord of the Flies in class and mentioned that a few years ago some students of hers tried to convince her that the book couldn’t have taken place during WWII and that she didn’t believe them because “there have been no atomic bombs except during World War Two” and an atomic bomb is referenced as the inciting factor for why the boys were flying over a deserted island in the first place.

But the thing is, if you actually look at all the throwaway historical context details in the book, there is no logical way that it could have taken place in WWII. I realized that all clues point towards an alternate timeline where the Cold War turned hot. About halfway through the book I started bookmarking any scrap of information related the time period and it was getting to the point where each chapter took me twice as long to read because I would continually need to check various articles and Wikipedia pages to cross reference.

Eventually, I ended up writing a 5 -page paper picking the book apart for details which you can read here but I’ll also give you the individual points (a mixture of historical details and borderline headcanon):

Early on in the book, the boys mention that there are probably maps in “the Queen’s library” that show where they are—this was one of the first things that stuck out to me, as Elizabeth II didn’t become Queen until 1952, and WWII ended in 1945

Ralph mentions watching something on television at home. His dad, although a naval officer, would almost certainly not be able to afford a TV in 1945, BUT televisions were already popularized around the time of Lizzy 2’s coronation (or at the very earliest the 1948 London Olympics) and it’s believable that Ralph could have had one at home. There’s also some mentions around space travel/putting a man on Mars that would make more sense during the Cold War

I found Piggy’s character to be very interesting. For one thing, he’s introduced  as being fat due to his Aunt owning a candy store (his parents are both dead). If you know anything about the sugar ration during WWII, you’d know that candy stores would have been non-operational and Piggy would probably not have had access to an excess of sweets.

Continuing with Piggy, I’d place his distinctive accent as either London Cockney or London Estuary. If Piggy was from London, he would have been evacuated to the British countryside via train (the same evacuations in which the Pevensies stay with their uncle in Narnia) long before the dropping of the atomic bombs. Here’s where the headcanon comes in: I’d be willing to bet that Piggy was evacuated to the countryside as a baby during WWII and both his parents were among the 27,000 killed in the London Blitz, hence why he now lives with his aunt. By assuming the years leading up to the book are peacetime instead of wartime, there’s no issue around the candy store.

And finally, the most compelling argument imo…WHY WOULD BRITISH BOYS BE EVACUATED AFTER VE DAY??? In the book, it’s very clear that the LOTF boys are being evacuated from their boarding school after an atomic bomb was dropped. Victory in Europe was May 8th, 1945. The bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in early August. In what world would British boys be evacuated by a plane traveling over tropical airspace (historically child evacuations in the UK were domestic and carried out by train) to protect them from a bomb dropped in Japan four months after the end of the war in Europe?? The only plausible explanation would be that the USSR dropped a bomb on an Allied power and the boys are being evacuated from Briton all together to avoid nuclear fallout and/or future bombings.

Final note, at one point the boys consider building a new plane and decide against the idea because they “might get shot down by the Reds” even though the soviets were literally allies with Britain during WWII. Do you know when they most certainly weren’t allies? The Cold War.

Anyway, I end up giving her this essay which she reads and then promptly says “these are all very interesting points, but there was STILL no nuclear bomb besides the ones dropped on Japan in World War 2” and I’m like “Yes!! I know this!! And I’m saying it’s an alternate future!!” But she never really seemed to understand what I was saying.

Anyway a few weeks ago I was at my job (I’ve been working IT some summers at my high school after I graduated) and I ran into her and she says “I was going through my desk and I found that essay you wrote on LOTF! I read it again and it was a really good argument piece, especially for a 10th grader.”

So of course I ask her “oh really? Well, were you finally convinced?”

And she basically says “it was good…but no :)  <3”

And I have simply not known peace since.

[teaboot]

A few things uou need to know:

My mother- who was a single parent raising me alone in my early youth- has never believed in baby talk. So when I was born, she started from day one talking to me and treating me like I was an adult. 

As a result of this, I had rather high expectations of other adults from a very young age, and despised being talked down to. The worst was being asked sweetly and stupidly y over and over, “can you say “hello”?” in a way that felt like I was an animal being coaxed into performing a trick. 

In my earliest years, I learned that using certain words and phrases could convince new adults to treat me the way I preferred. So to combat the annoyances of being treated like a subhuman idiot, I began purposefully expressing myself with a broad vocabulary. 

My mother started teaching me how to read when I was three. By the time I was five, my favourite thing to read was Calvin and Hobbes anthologies, partly because I loved tigers, but mostly because in every other book I’d read, kids my age were written as stupid babies with no thought process or agency who nobody seemed to think of as capable of thinking or contributing. Calvin, though, was only a year older than me, and had a rich inner world, and was capable of speaking meaningfully and eloquently while still being a kid. Calvin was a kid the way that kids WERE, not the way adults saw us.

As a consequence of this, I think, I developed a prematurely warped sense of humour wherein- again, starting around age five- the funniest thing in the world to me was to approach adults and instigate conversations wildly beyond my age range. Like “oh, you’re slowing yourself down for me? Bold of you to assume I’m not already four steps ahead”.

I imagine this was probably very annoying, as I mostly didn’t actually have the experience or context to fully understand a lot of the subjects I was talking about and was mostly just imitating the persona of a mildly disinterested and somewhat philosophical old woman, but I genuinely understood enough vocab to bluff around the gaps in my knowledge long enough for the funny part to happen. 

My preferences to spend more of my time fucking with adults instead of my peers slowly widened the already-existing gap between me and the majority of my schoolmates, which honestly didn’t bug me much because the two friends I DID have were way more fun than the rest of them anyways.  But I was probably a bit emotionally stunted by this point anyways 

Cut to me, age nine or so. Annoying know-it-all, deeply ironic, and the kind of kid who would rather lick a carrot peeler than suffer through the torture of meaningful emotional vulnerability with any adult ever

First real health class

We get the Puberty talk

Skin-peelingly awkward

Mr. Q, our fifty-ish something teacher, brings out a question box and a bunch of scraps of paper. Says he wants everyone to write down at least one question and he would pull a handful of them out anonymously to answer. 

I cannot resist

We all submit our questions

Question one. “What is a vulva”

Diagram. Clinical and age-appropriate response. 

Question two. “Is love nothing more than a chemical reaction designed to ensure the survival of the species?”

Long awkward pause

Teacher clears his throat

[This is hilarious]

Teacher speaks

“Uh…….”

“Well, um. I suppose… I love my wife. And I love my children. Or I would describe what I feel for them as love.”

Oh No

[Dawning realization that I have trapped myself and everyone in this room in a Feelings Talk]

[Panic and stare directly through the floor until he stops talking about his personal emotions regarding family and society and shit]

[Pain And Suffering And Hell because this is, in fact, what I signed us all up for, because boarding a plane to Alaska means that you are definitely going to Alaska, no matter if it was a joke or not, because the plane doesn’t give a fuck, because it is a plane and you are a moron]

The lessons in humour I learned that day have stuck with me ever since

Sincerity always wins

You Can Press The Big Red Button Whenever You Like But You Cannot Un-Send The Nuke

[kaity--did]

We do not do elf of the shelf but our house does have borrowers. Penny knows that if she leaves a mess out at night the borrowers will take that as a sign that they can have it and take it into the walls to build their homes

This teaches her to out her stuff away at the end of the night or I chuck it out and also sometimes she wakes up and yells "HEY ELEVES I LEFT YOU SOME STUFF!" And it is hilarious

[kaity--did]

Penny: THE ELVES HAVE ONIONTIZED

My mom on FaceTime: ???

Me: I had to explain to Penny how the borrowers are part of the elf union and so they go to North Pole the last 3 weeks of the year so no one ever has to work too much over time and that's why they haven't taken mommy's wrapping paper or scissors or anything else I've left out... shes trying to explain the elf union to you.

Penny: THEY GET PAID EXTRA CAUSE OF THE ONION

[adverbian]

[kaity--did]

I'm in tears 🤣🤣🤣