Library dweller

She/her bisexual Hi I'm Asha! I love books, snakes, and plants. I WON'T STAND FOR HATE OR BIGOTRY ON THIS BLOG, TAKE THAT SHIT ELSEWHERE.

[hashtagthebookwasbetter]

My actual favourite thing to do when interacting with really young kids at a social gathering is just. Talking to them like they're my academic colleague. That is Not my cousin Kaira's toddler that is my Fellow Professor from the office down the hall. I love it. All the adults in attendance are just like awww cute bit she's talking like its an adult. Meanwhile the child is staring at me very seriously as if to say "ah, finally. Someone who values my opinion on the field of astrophysics."

[dragon-in-a-fez]

I love being an adult who always puts my hand out to shake when I meet a kid! every single time their face is like "no one does The Adult Greeting Ritual with me, is this a sign of respect or is this man simply unhinged" and then of course as we talk they realise it's both

[regainingparadise]

When #myshane retires, he doesn’t go into coaching or podcasting or whatever.

He becomes a consultant who shitty teams trying to not suck, good teams who want to last further into the playoffs, great teams who want to finally win the cup, call to Fix Them.

He is paid absolutely bonkers amounts of money to watch a team play for five minutes and immediately diagnose what’s wrong with them. He is always right.

Ok 5 minutes is probably an exaggeration. The coaches send him a bunch of tape to review in advance. They probably focus on their best players or the ones they think need the most improvement, but half the time Shane requests more, focusing on players they hadn’t paid much attention to before. Then one day at practice, the players look up into the stands and are filled with awe, terror, and wonder, because Shane Hollander is sitting there staring directly at them with a scarily thoughtful look on his face.

He meets with the coaches and gm and reports his conclusions. Who to trade and for who , how to get better results from certain players, how to run power plays and penalty kills, changes in line makeups.

Some lucky players get to meet with him. He takes about five minutes to list off or demonstrate everything they need to do to stop sucking. He has no time for chit chat or hero worship. Focus, listen, learn, and do exactly what he says and you will be good. Fail to do what he says and you will shame your entire bloodline.

I think that, if he’s not the one actually playing, this would be a dream job. It involves Knowing Things About Hockey, Judging Shitty Hockey Players, Getting Recognized As The Best at Hockey, Being Correct, and Making Hockey Better. He should get to do all these things

[binkythegeek]

I will add that he contracts Yuna and Svetlana to do research on players and coaches. They get so good that the league starts requiring that he sign contracts saying he will never acquire ownership of any teams. And when teams sign him on they MUST agree to sensitivity training before he even starts his evaluations.

[regainingparadise]

There's definitely a clause in the contract that gives him the right to break the contract if someone from the team/front office/etc is a dick. It's a very broad clause, basically at his discretion to say that he's done with their shit. It's not a "don't do these specific things" list. It's just ironclad legalese for "if I decide you're an asshole I'm leaving and you can't do shit about it."

He has no interest in teaching people what a fucking microaggression is, or why a question is homophobic or why a particular comment is racist. If he doesn't like it, he's done. And he is enough in demand (and not at all actually in need of money) to enforce this. The teams need him. He doesn't need them.

There are probably a few teams that have declined because of that, but most are gonna make sure everyone is on their Best Goddam Behavior. The locker room can, on a normal day, be the most vile cesspit of toxic masculinity, but the GM/whoever is in charge makes it Really Fucking Clear that while Shane Hollander is within a hundred miles of their rink they are the Most Enlightened Team On Planet Earth.

And at least once he's demanded someone get fired before he even starts.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

a lot of the centaurs learning that shane fucking hollander hockey robot is a YAPER. some of them are walking towards the locker room and as they get closer they start hearing very animated voices talking loudly and they recognizes ilya and shane’s voices and shane is explaining something to ilya and ilya is laughing hard at that and they’re just going back and forth about this topic and having fun with it and then the teammates finally round the corner and walk in and see ilya sitting on the bench half dressed fishing to putting his hockey gear and shane standing up gesturing with his hand talking very animated and still in his compression clothes and then it hit them that they genuinely didn’t know nothing about shane outside his PR image and they learn that not only shane talk loudly and a lot but shane and ilya are genuinely best friends on top of being married. and of course ilya wouldn’t be wiling to marry someone that doesn’t make him laugh or understand his type of humor. the chemistry of hockey husbands are in and out of the rink. that’s soulmates shit fr

[mutinsfromthemoon]

i don’t think shane would EVER reprimand ilya in front of their friends. there’s no “walking him like a dog” in the ottawa centaurs group. it’s the opposite, ilya is a spoiled little shit. shane only says no to him in the private and it’s rare. he’s an ilya’s enabler. he letting his husband do whatever and it’s not like is the worst cus not only ilya is an adult he’s very thoughtful, intelligent, respectful and professional. he knows there’s limits, he probably put it himself. so yeah fics with that tag is very funny is for hahas and hihis but i don’t think it would ever be canon

[ellisonwongparty]

here's some instances in which ilya has to drop everything and bail svetlana out:

when she loses her passport in prague

any sort of visa or international travel related question

when she gets too high and gets Scared

when she gets arrested.

when her mom is being annoying and she has to attend another one of her galas where it's all only models or rich VCs and her mom won't stop getting on svetlana's case about finding a long term boyfriend so she and ilya have to arrive together and pretend to consider marriage. this stops being an option when ilya starts dating shane.

when she gets into a fight with best friend #3497 because she slept with her dad or her mom or her brother or her boyfriend or -- anyway and because of that she gets stranded on whatever international vacation she got taken on because svetlana only likes being friends with rich people or celebrities

whenever she has a phone call with her mom for longer than 30 minutes.

when she doesn't get into grad school the first time and goes on a bender and gets arrested

when she makes ilya edit her grad school application one year later because ilya's surprisingly good at grammar

[ellisonwongparty]

like i do just think that maybe ilya being the more sensible one of the svetlana/ilya friendship is like really funny. like sure she's like there for him when he's sad or whatever but like when ilya's manic svetlana is like living for it. like she never will be like "you need a reality check" like she will just turbo charge his delusions to like a 120 percent. ilya will propose just an absolutely batshit idea and then svetlana will be like "let's do it RIGHT NOW like literally RIGHT NOW you have NO TIME TO WASTE THE PRESENT IS NOW" and it's lowkey really messy because like if manic!ilya and svetlana hang out for too long they like actually end up in a different country with like no memory of the last 2 weeks. like i think ilya quitting the khl to go to america was a svetlana/ilya bender moment. like i can totally picture 18 year old ilya upset about his shitty family and how he just wants to leave this country behind but he's like "but i have too many things holding me back here :(" and svetlana is just like "OH MY GOD FUCK THEM AND LET'S GO TO AMERICA... TOMORROW!!! YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!! SCREW MOSCOW LETS GO LETS DO THIS TODAY AND WE CAN HANG OUT IN BOSTON TOGETHER!!!!!!! LETS CALL BOSTON'S GM RIGHT NOW. LIKE RIGHT NOWwww" like why else are they just both in boston LOL.

and i love svetlana but like. when ilya's low and he's really depressed the only way svetlana thinks of how to make him feel better is just by being like being really obnoxious and shouting "COME ONNN LET'S GET FUN ILYA OUT!! WHERE'S FUN ILYA YOU'LL BE WAY LESS SAD IF YOU JUST GIVE INTO YOUR CRAZIEST IMPULSES AND GET FUN ILYA OUT!!"

[imissthembutitwasntadisaster]

This job application: what is a literary character you relate to and why

Me with my whole entire chest: Emma Woodhouse because she is annoying but tries very hard. Hire me.

[valtsv]

this is going to sound like such a little sibling ass take but i genuinely believe that being a little bit annoying is actually a greater sign of maturity and self awareness than being universally likeable and on good terms with everyone

[valtsv]

if some people find me annoying and can't stand me because of how i think and act then that means i'm a fully realized human being with my own personality and opinions and free will and not just a reflective surface for other people's desires, which is in fact a good thing despite what people who want you to just be a reflection of their own opinions and desires will tell you, and why being considered "cringe" or whatever doesn't bother me at all

[valtsv]

also it's really funny when you're confident enough in yourself to know that people not liking you isn't always a sign that you're the problem. like there's something undeniably hilarious about being aware your mere existence has the power to piss someone off and ruin their day and i recommend embracing it.

[spice-ghouls]

[teaboot]

Oh fucking thissss

[loveridden1999]

maybe it's me being a brown woman but i can't comprehend how & why people treat having a racist phase as a teenager as smth okay or a norm

[homunculus-argument]

The Odyssey but retold as a low-stakes modern adventure of one guy out with his girlfriend leaving the bar with his buddies to do just one (1) simple thing real quick, it'll take like 15 minutes tops, he'll be right back, but then some bullshit happens and the trip keeps getting more complicated as more bullshit keeps happening while he just tries to get back to the bar because he promised his girlfriend that he'd get back and he knows that she's still there because she told him she'd wait there.

And by the time he finally gets back it's almost 3 am and the bar is about to close while she's sitting there stone cold sober, surrounded by 5 drunk guys unsuccessfully trying to convince her to give up on waiting for him and go home with one of them instead. And the guy shows up to proceed to beat the shit out of them before explaining himself to her like hey sorry bullshit kept happening, my phone fell into a storm drain and my wallet got stolen when I was trying to find someone who'd borrow me a phone so I could call and

[thekijs]

His girlfriend had been fending off the 5 drunk guys for most of the evening by explaining that even if she was going to ditch her boyfriend, she can't possibly leave without finishing her beer, which she is keeping perpetually full via careful sleight of hand where she's just pouring it back and forth into and out of the pitcher.

However the drunk guys are also drinking, and eventually she can't afford to buy another pitcher for the table so she can't keep up the ever-full beer glass trick. At this point she has to resort to setting up the pool trick shot that she's never seen anyone but her boyfriend pull off, and says she'll leave with whoever manages the shot first.

That buys her another hour or so and then, finally, her boyfriend makes it back. He looks like shit, hair down and just a mess, he's wearing an entirely different jacket that he got from an alley, and barely recognizable—especially to 5 guys who've been drunk for hours now. He lurks for a minute, finds out what's going on, and proceeds to pull off the trick shot first try. Throws the jacket off, fixes his hair with a hair tie his girlfriend lends him, finally looks like himself again, and THEN beats the shit out of them with the pool cue.

[weaselle]

yuh i was there, that's how it happened

[riseofthecommonwoodpile]

i don’t think i’m exaggerating when i say that the average height for women in the US would increase by at least an inch if teen girls were allowed to eat as much as teen boys are

[riseofthecommonwoodpile]

and not to bring my own clocky bitch ass into this but if cis women weren’t so consistently starved their entire lives you’d see a lot more cis women with the kind of bodies that we currently associate closely with trans women. the amount that the standards of feminine presentation are culturally defined by malnutrition is crazy

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

dump his ass. move to a walkable city. start hormones. get into fiber crafts. dye your hair weird. grow an herb garden. foster a distrustful cat. take a welding class. invite your friends over for tea and cake. get way too into obscure media. explore a new cuisine. lie to the police. protest in the streets. life has so many possibilities don't it?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

make out with a frenemy. buy noise cancelling headphones. wear office inappropriate attire. quit a toxic workplace. improve your apartment. start a dog walking sidegig. get on first name basis with your local librarians. bully politicians at town hall meetings. get an unexpected piercing. cultivate farmer's market connections. trade recipes with a gossipy old neighbor. unionize your apartment complex. move to the countryside. let a friend take you larping. keep a sword on your mantleplace

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

get a tattoo on your 40th birthday. be tempted to buy a loom. do a charity drag show. sue your landlord. buy a really nice kitchen appliance. volunteer at an anarchist soup kitchen. rediscover a tv show you watched when you were 8. spam your state senators. shop at asian grocery stores. do cosplay. buy trans flags in bulk and mount them along the highway. go viral for unexpected reasons. move in with your best friend. make lemoncello with leftover lemon rinds. run for school board membership. explore pegging.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

update: i'm delighted to report this post has been responsible for at least one person dumping his ass

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

update: three four people

[hashtagthebookwasbetter]

FULFILLING MY POTENTIAL AS A BAD INFLUENCE!!! (encouraging the people in my life to be petty when they're treated like shit)

[that-one-idiot-11]

whenever I tell a story I feel like Uncle Colm from Derry Girls

[digitaldeathx-deactivated202605]

self-awareness check, list five things you like that aren't media pieces in the tags now ‼️

[stufflikethathere]

I’m only 28 and it feels a million times better than 23. I can’t wait to see what 30 feels like. Becoming an older woman is filled with internal validation, an inner calm, a recognition of patterns. I am not perfect but I accept myself despite it.