Healing My Shadow

The inner shadow is the part of us that is forbidden and hidden. It is the part of us that we are taught is shameful and undesirable. I'm here to bond with mine.

[healingmyshadow]

Embracing Vulnerability

What triggers feelings of vulnerability and how do you react or respond to these feelings?

To my understanding, feeling vulnerable means to feel exposed. So when I feel exposed and vulnerable, I believe I tend to get a bit defensive - or at least that's how I've been told I come across. I put up artificial walls since my natural ones are knocked down. I have never really given much thought to how I react or respond to feeling vulnerable, but I suppose that is my reaction: to put up a wall.

The more I think about this, the more I realize that it is definitely okay to put up walls, it's just not okay to be a dick about it. Just because I am defending myself doesn't mean I need to react defensively toward others who may not have any idea what I'm going through. I need to be considerate of others during my own moments of vulnerability. It is a good time to practice self-awareness.

[healingmyshadow]

Personal Boundaries

What are some of your personal boundaries?

1) Do not go through my personal belongings.

This is because growing up, I never was entitled to privacy. Things like my plushies, laundry, spiritual paraphernalia... that is my energy, that is my space, that for my eyes and/or use only. If you need something from me, just simply ask me. I am not some asshole, I will share with you! Unless something is deeply personal or offensive, I'll gladly and always share what I have of myself and my things.

2) Don't draw attention to my weight or my body.

I am allowed to do this because I have my consent to do so. If I am drawing attention to my physical body in any way, shape, or form, that is me making a joke, observation, or otherwise remark about myself because I give myself permission to. People on the outside of my existence other than my lover(s) are not allowed to do so and I do not give my consent for them to do so.

3) Do not compare me to other people.

This is because I would often be compared to people with terribly offensive habits or straight up compared to people who have severe disorders and learning disabilities. I would be compared to people who were considered "lesser" and told that I am like them. This is preposterous and downright insulting to all involved for various, obvious reasons. I will not be compared to anyone better or lesser than myself as I am only and will ever be myself. If that is something that offends you, exit my life.

[healingmyshadow]

Self-Acceptance

What is an aspect of yourself that you struggle to accept? Why might that be?

There are a lot of things about myself that I've pretty much come to radically accept... but some things, I struggle to accept because coming from others, those things feel like lies.

If someone tells me I am attractive, I feel that's not true, when simply I could just accept the compliment (one I get a lot from friends AND strangers, mostly online though, but still valid) and move on.

I have a hard time accepting that I simply am not ugly.

The reason I believe myself to be ugly to begin with is because growing up, it was sorta beaten into my head that I'm not the best looking girl in the world. You know kids... brutally honest, right? Kids will be kids? Kids never sin? Kids never lie? The kids I grew up with convinced me down to my core that I am not now nor will I ever be even remotely in the same zip code as attractive.

Now, in my 30's, I constantly get messages in my email about how pretty my face is... back when I did sex-work, people honestly thought my gargantuan lumpy fatty body was sexy for some reason. I just don't get it.

So life has constantly thrown me mixed signals. Which is it, society? In the end, I guess it's not up to society. It's about how I feel. I'm deciding that I am not ugly. There's nothing you can do about it.

[healingmyshadow]

Negative Emotions

Are there negative emotions you try to avoid? Why?

Of course there are. There are emotions like anger and sadness that I try to avoid, because truly, I feel those emotions don't do anything beneficial. Getting sad and getting angry just hurts the self or people around me, so I do the very possible best I can to avoid getting angry. When it comes to getting sad, I simply have to prepare for unexpected sadness.

I am diagnosed with what is called "True Depression", often referred to as Chronic or Clinical Depression, so sometimes sadness creeps up on me and other times sadness is dropped on me like a baby grand piano from the 5th floor of a 10 story building. There never seems to be a chance to snap out of it. Once the sadness hits, it overstays its welcome and refuses to leave. My options for sadness are to take preventative measures or simply ride it out and wait.

Once the depression actually comes, it's there to stay. So I try to avoid that by simply keeping my mind busy, but sometimes even that is not enough to keep depression from crashing into me.

I am not a person that gets angry. I am diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and for me, my mood shifts from a manic positive to a manic negative, similar to Bi-Polar disorder. In my case, I shift from confident to anxious far too intensely and far too quickly. It's rare for me to actually become angry, but when it does come, it's typically related to my BPD induced Anxiety.

I can easily avoid anger. That's not a problem anymore. I don't have any disorders that necessarily cause anger issues, so I can understand and let go of my anger a little easier. I understand that anger is a choice and I choose not to waste my time or energy on something that irritates me, especially if it's something that I cannot change, like a natural occurrence or someone's own beliefs or will.

I can worry about myself and how I treat others. That is in my control.

[healingmyshadow]

Boredom

What do you do when you are bored?

There used to be a time when I would play the piano or maybe write some kind of fiction for myself, but now, since a lot of my motivation seems depleted, I find myself sticking to more thought-provoking activities, like browsing/writing in the forums or smoking weed in hopes of some creative idea coming to me. I'll be honest, the smoking has gotten a little out of hand. I find myself drinking more coffee, smoking more weed, getting less sleep... and all for the sake of wanting to stay alert and motivated *just in case* something interesting or fun happens.

I sometimes feel like I'm going to miss out on something when it comes around time to actually go to bed. So, out of sheer boredom, I'll scroll through TikTok until three in the morning or watch a YouTube documentary until I fall asleep. I don't do very exciting things when I'm bored, I'm afraid. I'll do things like this - journal and blog - or I'll play Sims or Stardew Valley - two games I highly recommend if you're like me and aren't much of a gamer. They're called cozy games, isn't that cute? Anyway... not a lot happens when I'm bored, and right now, I think it's because of my medications, two anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety.

In short, when I'm bored... I sit around and get lost in my own head trying to figure myself out. So far... my methods have shown no real progress or advancement, but with a med-change, maybe I'll be a little more fun.

[healingmyshadow]

Failure

How do you define failure and how does failure make you feel?

I define failure as the lack of success, simply. It's when you give up, because even trying counts. A failure is what someone becomes when they willingly give up on their goals and aspirations and simple responsibilities. When someone decides that wickedness is the absolute way of the world... that, to me, also makes someone a failure. But I suppose this question isn't that deep.

Simply, failure is the inability to succeed by one's own will. Let's put it like that. How does it make me feel, though? Pretty shitty. I'm not going to go out on the pity-limb and say that I'm indeed a failure and know what it feels like, but I know what it feels like to believe I'm a failure. When I waste a few hours playing a video game instead of working extra-hard on a commission, I feel like I've failed and that heavy sense of guilt washes over me and weighs me down. It's really difficult to lift off my shoulders and honestly, only accomplishment can clear that cloud.

[healingmyshadow]

Depreciation

When are you the hardest on yourself and why might that be so?

I'm the hardest on myself when I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. If I feel like I've failed at a task or even at an interaction, I feel almost a deep sense of shame and I'm very hard on myself. I tend to call myself horrible things when I'm really anxious or depressed, as well. I try not to self-depreciate, but with an understanding of my background, one can see how it's easy for me to slip into such a bad habit of being really hard on myself.

Simply put, I'm that hard on myself during those moments because I was taught that that's how you respond to that sort of feeling or trigger. When I was young, my glasses were bent out of place by a bully and when I expressed what happened, I was pushed against the wall and screamed at for letting it happen. During this moment, I felt shame and like I had failed. During times of failure, I remember this and have since learned that that's how I'm to respond to the feeling. Being hard on myself is what I know.

Of course, now that I'm much older and more mindful, I understand that that's not how to respond to such feelings. Instead of putting myself down or being hard on myself, I should breathe and understand all humans make mistakes and I'm not more or less than any other human on this planet. To err is human, to forgive, divine.

[healingmyshadow]

Core Values II

How do your parents' core values differ from your own?

I've never been sure of my father's values, considering the type of person he was - you can probably gather the idea of that from previous entries, dear readers. My mother on the other hand, she's my best friend. She and I share a humor that only she and I can understand and it's almost like we have our own language sometimes.

We're alike in a lot of ways, but we're different in the sense that our core values are different. My mother seems more on the free-spirited end of things and my core values suggest that I'm more on the mindful end of things - not to say my mother isn't mindful, she tries to be, but I guess I take it a little more seriously. My core values seem to reflect my boundaries a bit more than my mothers' do, but that could be because of how seriously I take my boundaries.

[healingmyshadow]

Core Values

What are your personal core values?

I've never given my core values much thought before. I never thought there would be a moment where I'd need to reflect on it, either. I guess today is that day... so here we go: My personal core values: a list.

Creativity - I'm a writer by hobby and trade, so that requires a pretty beefy imagination. It also kind of requires communication skills and even that can take some creativity.

Accountability - Being responsible for my own actions is something I'm trying very hard to do when I'm in a less-than-mindful state, say in a panic or depressive episode. In my waking mind, however, it's important to just be mindful regardless.

Empathy - Being able to understand or even feel how other people feel is important when learning to make connections with the intent of them lasting. I strive for lasting relationships exclusively.

Gratitude - It's important for me to always say thank you when having received anything, be it time, service, or goods. I feel gratitude reminds us to be thankful for the benefits we have in our lives while others in the world simply go without.

Compassion - This goes along with empathy in the sense that it's understanding a feeling or situation outside of myself. To see a snail as nothing while I'm much larger is not compassionate; we both are living and we both are beings.

Respect - The unspoken rules of the body and personal space are pretty important to me. If you show me respect, I show it right back. Showing me respect tells me that you desire respect, too.

Kindness - While it can be hard to be kind, it is an important value to me in the sense that there simply isn't enough. This free commodity, this absolute necessity is available for anyone and everyone to spend as they freely see fit. Simply: why not? Be kind.

[healingmyshadow]

Traits in Others

What traits in others do you wish you had?

The only traits right now that I can think of that I really wish I could have are confidence and motivation. I think that I don't have these traits right now because of some environmental and psychological factors, namely the abusive situations I've undergone ever since I was three. I was always raised and taught and... forced... to believe that I am not worthy of confidence because I have nothing to feel confident about. I don't have the motivation to do anything about it because either the depression makes energy hard to come by or I simply don't care what others think of me - not in a confident way, but in a give-up way.

[healingmyshadow]

Value

What makes you feel valued and why?

Hands down, my friends and family make me feel valued. When I brighten someone's day and they thank me for it, that makes me feel pretty valued, too. Even if it's a short amount of value for a short amount of time, helping someone and making their life a little better just feels good... and I always feel valued when someone receives my well-wishing with an open mind and gratitude.

The why? I'm not sure. With the background I have - my origin story, it's the perfect villain arc, I'm told. I don't see the point in becoming a bad person simply because wrong has been done unto me. So the things that make me feel valued align with my moral compass. If you're good to me, I appreciate that goodness because that takes good energy and time. Energy and time are things that we spend on things and don't ever really get back.

When someone sees me as worth their time, or even their love, I'm not only grateful but I genuinely feel like I'm valued in some way!

[healingmyshadow]

Disappointment

Who has let you down the most? Why does it hurt today?

It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly who has let me down the most, because to me, any act of harm is equal to another. Harm is harm and losing my respect is something that happens after I'm badly hurt. Giving it more thought... I can think of no other person more suitable for this position than my own father. I know I know... typical woman right? Wrong. This man made my life a living hell and got away with it every single step of the way. As I see it, I have a right to be disappointed. In short, my father has let me down the most. It hurts me to this day in that I can't work, I have bad dreams, and I have terrible cPTSD and other illnesses as a result of his abuse.

No, I'm not some angry and angsty teen on tum--err... social media... it just still hurts me to this day. It's an understandable pain that I have. My father was abusive to me in every way imaginable, including sexually. I say my father disappointed me the most because he was supposed to be someone I could trust. He is supposed to be my parent that I can go to when I don't feel safe, to learn from, to grow with... I never got that with him. I got pain and suffering, however... I will only look at the good here and realize that I came out on top.

Will I ever forgive my father? Maybe so. That's for nature and I to figure out in time. For now, I face this simple fact: though my father is gone and no longer part of this earth, his abuse and his harm still affect me to this day: I cannot work and my family suffers for that fact alone. If it wasn't for the trauma, I could live a "normal" life, I could buy my weekly groceries like a good little sheep, but I am showered with the gift of disabilities and traumas. I feel I have every right to be angry with my father, but is that anger worth the energy?

No. It's not.

I do want to put it out there that while I'm disappointed in a lot of my family members, they disappoint me out of a failure to understand/believe my traumas. They're not ruining my life, whereas my father... well... if it weren't for him I'd be functional in society, heh.

[healingmyshadow]

Grudges

What do you currently have a grudge against and why can't you let it go?

I currently have a grudge against a lot of people in my family. Simply, they don't believe me about the abuse I've experienced and they never reach out to me to talk or really anything. Hell, I didn't even know my cousin was having another baby and nobody seemed to know I'd even moved out of Wisconsin, let alone why.

I've come to terms with not really being able to let go of it, because... this is my family... these people are supposed to be there for me and support me when I need guidance. They're supposed to love me as I loved them, not laugh in my face or deny my literal existence, aka, the abuse I went through. These people are supposed to be proof of the god they claim to pray to, not turn a blind eye to their neighbors and judge the things they fear.

[healingmyshadow]

Feeling Safe

What makes you feel unsafe?

I've never really given this a lot of thought - I guess that's what makes it a really good shadow work journal prompt. I hate to admit it, but one thing that does make me feel unsafe is being outside. The reason for this is rather private and trauma-related.

And it's not something I enjoy, either. I know there are people who choose to live their lives mostly indoors, but I'm someone that loves the wind and water and nature... I miss feeling soft grass under my feet, but I can't do it right now. My brain tells me that it's not safe.

Another thing that makes me feel unsafe is being alone in public. I have really bad anxiety and something that often happens to me in a state of panic is I'll lock up everywhere. When that happens, I can't decide anything. I can't make heads or tails of where I'm at and all sense of direction is completely gone. It's something I'm working on when it comes to therapy and anxiety - and hopefully this shadow work will help me along the way, too.

[healingmyshadow]

Self-Consciousness

What makes you feel self-conscious?

Honestly, the thing that makes me feel the most self-conscious is my weight. I am a bigger girl and always have been on the big side. I'm actively trying to lose weight, but as someone with a lot of different health issues like PCOS and depression (also my whole family is overweight), the weight loss is agonizingly slow. I live a healthy life though (as healthy as being poor will allow), and don't plan to stop trying even though results are slow.

I'm also very self-conscious of my hair, weirdly enough. On top of being fat, I have to have messy, hard-to-tame hair, too? You gotta be kidding. Yes, it's true... my hair is a brown untamed frizzy mess. I brush it nearly constantly out of pure anxiety, but I'm pretty sure that could be damaging it. No matter what I do, I can't get my hair to behave. That's less of a concern than my weight, of course, but I'd say they're both equally valid insecurities.

[healingmyshadow]

Reacting & Responding

How do you feel when drama occurs and how do you react/respond?

Usually when drama occurs, depending on the topic of said dramatic situation, my first reaction is always "oh great, what now", but when I learn what the situation is, my response is usually to try and help somehow.

I used to be the type of person who would want to get involved. I would want to at least watch or see what's going on, but now that I'm older, I realize that drama is a child's game. I'm thirty-one as of typing this, and I just want to live happily and at peace. Drama won't bring me peace.

Now, if I face some drama, I try my best to not be involved. If my friends are involved, however, I try to give them the advice I once needed: Don't get involved... be the bigger person. If you're at fault for something, be responsible and take accountability. If someone has angered you, choose to let the anger go and distance yourself from that which angered you.

The key to not being tied up in drama is... growth.

[healingmyshadow]

Parents' Traits

What are your parents’ best and worst character traits?

If I'm honest, my father's best character traits was that he was funny. He tried to be humorous and sometimes he would succeed, but that good trait does not at all outweigh his negative trait: he was a p*dophile and r*pist and I was the survivor of that abuse. His worst character trait was that he was a very charismatic narcissist, which aided him in being able to get away with his crimes.

My mother's best character trait is that she is strong. She endured and endures so much and it hurts that I can't just snap my fingers and make her life perfect so she can finally be happy. I'll admit her worst trait is that she is stubborn. She might have issue with something and be given the solution and she'd still be stubborn enough to not apply the solution -- but... I think I maybe get that from my mother, heh.