heavy hearted melodies

just notes

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i’ve tried all forms of torture

but the biggest torture of all is keeping myself alive

i live for others just so they don’t worry

i don’t want others to live with that trauma

“how would i do it?” i ask myself

“who would find me?”

[heavyheartedmelodies]

no amount of pain will make this easier

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i fear i’ll never amount to anything

i’ll never accomplish anything

my dreams left unfulfilled

i wish of another life

i wonder what it feels to be normal

alone and unknown

i guess i don’t want to be known

i just want people to see me and understand

[heavyheartedmelodies]

im invisible to my lover

im simply for decoration

[heavyheartedmelodies]

life is a series of unfortunate events

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i don’t think I’ll ever be sober

anything to escape the anxiety of reality

[heavyheartedmelodies]

life doesn’t feel real, in the sense that im not sure what im doing. lately i feel like i’ve been in and out of reality due to my anxiety and lack of self awareness. sometimes i want the world to know everything about me and sometimes i want to be left alone entirely.

[heavyheartedmelodies]

trigger warning:

sometimes i say i’ll jump but i never do

sometimes i say i’ll take the pills but i never do

sometimes i say i’ll run away but i stay put

what is it that weighs down on me?

-metal clouds

only this time there’s no sunshine at the end of the storm

bc the day i do it the metal cloud remains

the darkness i tried to escape lingers for everyone to observe

now it stains and they are left to cary the cloud

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i have known depression for some time now

but not like this

this time it’s different

i can feel it getting heavier

i can feel it getting scarier

i have completely surrendered to it

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i can’t wait to look back and be relieved that i finally did it

but for now i’ll continue to hurt myself

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i wonder when will the fun being

when is it my turn

can i have a try?

i’ve waited patiently

i was in a dream

now that i’m awake i can see

my true purpose in life

[heavyheartedmelodies]

watching old videos of rupaul and just drag history. its so refreshing to see the growth of drag.

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i feel like i’ll never be enough

but i’ll always be annoying

not a single close friend

we’re all merely acquaintances

loneliness doesn’t feel imaginary anymore

it’s real

constantly telling myself that i had people around me but what were their real intentions?

am i likable?

not even a little?

am i the mold that turns everything rotten?

there’s nothing more i desire than to be desired

[heavyheartedmelodies]

thats it

my love will never leave u

even when u are unrecognizable

my love burns for u

you say these hurtful things but

the pain of losing u doesn’t compare

so i’ll take it if it means i can stay

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i wish things would go back to the way they were

when we would go to each other’s house everyday

when all we wanted to do was cuddle

when we were nice to each other

i dont recognize u anymore

it feels so different

why are we still together when everything is crumbling down in front of us

i miss how fun it was

now we barley laugh together

i miss the old you so much

i wish he would come back

[heavyheartedmelodies]

lonely lonely

i’ll always be lonely

[heavyheartedmelodies]

i don’t know if i can make it through another year with you

yes i have problems

yes i’m jealous and crazy

yes i’m needy

but i never treated you the way you treat me

i was always kind and loving

you were too

now your cold and mean

only needing me when you’re horny and lonely

i’m on a shelf collecting dust

sometimes i get attention

most days i’m just there

observing and waiting

i don’t know how to break free

i wish you could see me

i wish you could feel what i feel