After retiring from the Treasury Board of Canada David Hollander starts a youtube channel of just teaching people stuff “their dad should have taught them” or showing his random house projects and baking adventures. This would open the floodgates to people thirsting after the Hollander parents more.
He gets into live-streaming a little but only for charities, like how many dog houses/cat trees he can build for a local shelter as a subathon. He would gather a niche but decent following but he doesn’t really mentions his famous sons, sure he gets some comments that point it out but it doesn’t ever really break containment.
Until someone tweets:
“so who was gonna tell me Dog House Dilf DavidBuildsIt is David Hollander father of Hockey Legend Shane Hollander and father-in-law to other Hockey Legend Ilya Rozanov ”
Some casual scenes from this universe to consider:
* * *
Shane drives them to the practice rink one day while Ilya intently watches David teach him how to change his own oil. He even makes them sit in the parking lot while the video finishes, even when Shane teases him about quitting hockey to become pit crew for an F1 team any day now.
"Shanya, come on. I know I will never do this. Never. But I must know how, for when we are Dads."
Shane bravely and valiantly does not cry, just takes his hand and gestures for Ilya to angle the phone screen so he can see it too.
They watch.
* * *
Shane returns from a long, relaxing solo hike with Anya to find the entire kitchen covered in pots and pans and bowls and boards and almost every kitchen implement they own, frankly.
Ilya is frowning hard at a large pot of water that is boiling very aggressively. The steam has made his curls completely insane. He has flour on his face. His tablet is leaning against their fruit bowl, David's face paused. He looks up as Anya runs to greet him and beams.
"Shane! Good. Shanya, my Shanya, what is 'roiling'? Is this 'roiling boil?' David is teaching me pasta, but he does not say, and he is not answering texts. I do not trust the internet with this."
Shane suppresses a smile, and comes to look seriously down at the boiling water. He confirms that yes, this is a roiling boil. Ilya nods, satisfied, presses play on the tablet, and at David's instruction carefully tips his homemade noodles in.
* * *
Ilya facetimes Shane from, of all places, the fucking hardware store. He has never once set foot in a hardware store, to Shane's knowledge. He is in the ladder aisle.
"Solnyshko, privet. How high is our roof?" Shane blanches.
"No, Ilya. No. You are a professional athlete, you CANNOT get on our roof, I don't care what Dad is teaching you, NO."
Ilya waves a hand at him airily, eyes scanning the ladders again. "Not on the roof, lyubmiy, just need to reach gutters. Gutters need cleaning. Every year, must do gutters, David says. Basic house maintenance."
Shane shakes his head again, firmly. "Nope. No. No ladders. You are not climbing a ladder, Ilyusha. I will put it in the group chat. I will text Coach Wiebe. Do you hear me? No. We will hire someone professional to do our gutters." (He does not remind Ilya that he has in fact done this and had the same company come do a slew of other tasks every year they have owned their house, to the point where he's now on a first-name basis with the entire company's roster of guys.) (He also makes a mental note to have Yuna draw up a list of the things they are absolutely NOT allowed to do, as per their contracts, to put on the fridge. He is fine if she stretches the truth in this list.)
Ilya pouts. Then he brightens. "But we should have ladder anyways, Shanya! In case of lost kittens! Or if gutter men break theirs? Or-"
Shane is not able to talk him out of a ladder, but Ilya has to get it delivered, as even his 'sensible' winter Mercedes SUV is not gonna fit that thing, and he has not invested in roof racks yet. (He calls his Mercedes guy the next day to schedule them being installed. Maybe they want to get into winter kayaking, you never know.)
* * *
Ilya walks into the house with a large bag and sets it imperiously on the kitchen counter. Then thinks better of it and puts it on the floor. Then thinks better of that and puts it in the hallway guest bathroom. Then he thoroughly sprays and wipes down the counter and the floor where the bag was.
Shane, sat on the sofa reviewing game tape for their next matchup against Detroit, watches him silently.
Finally, Ilya stands to face him, hands on his hips. "Shanya, David has taught me how to plunge a toilet."
Shane blinks.
"We did not have any plungers, so now that I know theory, I have gotten one for each bathroom, to practice."
They absolutely have a plunger, it lives in the garage in a bucket that Shane uses to soak it in a diluted bleach solution after they use it. He knows this would have been part of David's video. He suspects Ilya has not gotten that far yet. Then his brain snags.
"Ilyusha, wait. Have you... never plunged a toilet before? Really?" Ilya shakes his head. Shane puts the tablet down and sits up, incredulous. "What? How?"
Like, really, they have very fibre- and protein-heavy diets. There is no way that Ilya does not regularly clog toilets across the continent, same as every other hockey guy they know. Has he just been... leaving them? Surely Shane would have noticed that, here at home. Surely. What the fuck?
Ilya is staring at him, equally mystified. "I call a plumber, Shanya. Obviously. Or concierge at hotel. At practice rink it is Mr Alvarez. Canadian Tire Centre it is Marie-Claire. You know this, I am sure?"
Shane stares at him, mouth hanging open. "What??"
Ilya shrugs at him. "Yes?"
"You- you call a plumber. Every time you clog a toilet in our home, here," he gestures around, "you call a plumber?? And there's a plunger in the janitor's closet inside the locker room at both rinks, Ilyusha. The hotel, okay, but-"
Ilya holds up a hand to stop him, then comes and sits down next to Shane, very close. He stares into Shane's face intently. "Shanya. You do this every time? By yourself?" Shane nods. Ilya thinks, his face a mask of concentration and processing. He nods too.
"David taught you this as a Dad. Because he is a good Dad. Okay. Makes sense. Why have you never showed me?"
Shane sighs and takes his hand. "I'm sorry, babe, I didn't think I had to. It never occurred to me? But we do own a plunger. It's in the garage. No one has ever taught you before, really?"
Ilya shrugs, brow still furrowed. "No. Growing up we had housekeeper, I would tell her. Father and Alexei would never. I have only called plumber here twice, by the way, usually shit at the rink, but..." He trails off. "I will be able to stop bothering Mr Alvarez and Marie-Claire now. Hotels I will still call, I think. But this solves issue of visiting other rinks on road trips, which is very good."
Shane nods reassuringly, and squeezes his hand. Something else occurs to him. "Ilyusha, did you clean the counter and the floor because there were plungers in the bag?"
"Yes, obviously."
"But... they're new plungers, right? Clean?"
Ilya rolls his eyes. "They tested them Shanya, at the factory. Surely!"
"Uh huh. ...Do you think they tested them with actual shit, though? Like the factory just has people who shit in their testing toilets everyday?"
Ilya glares at him, then begins hitting him with a couch pillow. Shane cackles, and Ilya hits him harder.
boston raiders secret santa. ilya gets a magic 8 ball and for years has genuinely used it for major life decisions. at first it was for the bit but now he genuinely trusts that thing with his life
One day he sets it down a little harder than usual - not hard but like, it clatters a bit - and the secret, sacred, unknowable magic juice begins to leak out past the seal of the viewing window.
He panics, scoops it back up in both hands like an enormous egg, and runs to the kitchen to put it in a bowl to save as much as possible. Shane comes home to find him at the kitchen table, staring at his Magic 8 ball in a little puddle of its own fluid, nestled carefully but listlessly in one of their nice cereal bowls.
Ilya is absolutely despondent. There is a trail of fluid from the bookshelf to the drawer where the bowls live. The last answer he got was ASK AGAIN LATER, and now he can't. It's all very sad. Anya is confused.
Taking charge, Shane whisks the bowl-and-ball away 'for emergency surgery' and refuses to tell Ilya where he's put it as he hides in the guest bathroom to Google how the fuck you fix a leaking Magic 8 ball. Turns out there are a lot of tutorials, but also crucially you can custom order your own floating d20 answer piece.
Shane spends the entire next afternoon agonising over what to put in the 20 slots of the new Magic 8 ball d20 he's gonna have made. Yes, he'll fix the original one, that's easy, he just needs the right glue and for the blue dye he ordered to come, but he wants Ilya to have another one that he can use when he needs to. Maybe SIGNS POINT TO NO is the fateful response of the original ball, but if he then tries Shane's, it'll say 24🤍81 or ya tebya lyublyu or i still want or you make me curious and come on, that's pretty great, right?
The new ball, when it arrives, is in Centaurs colours and instead of the 8 on top it has an 81. He fixes the original one and puts it back in its spot, with the new ball just beside it. He doesn't say a word, just waits for Ilya to see it when he comes back from walking Anya. It takes him about 30 seconds, and then Shane is tackled with wild joy.
Reverently picking up his new Magic 81 ball, Ilya shakes it... and beams. And shakes it, and sniffs. And shakes it, and cries. Which makes Shane cry, which makes Ilya cry more, and then obviously they have to have a lot of sex about it, which wasn't what Shane intended, but it's a nice perk.
Pleased to report that after a day of this i am not longer craving caper brine and my mouth is not dry as usual. There's some good suggestions in the notes too that I want to try.
-ancient roman posca: water, red or white wine vinegar, honey, salt, herbs (coriander, mint, thyme)
-switchel: water, ginger, vinegar, sweetener, lemon, salt
it's actually so important to me that even before they had REAL space for it in the cottage, ilya and shane have always been able to understand when the other is going "play??"
everyone always seems so surprised when shane is funny or makes a joke, and i don't think it's meant to be mean, but like? yeah shane is funny. he's always been funny. he's picky about his audience (because he has his image to think about and also because he's just naturally reserved), but he is snarky and quick with it. you know who has ALWAYS found him funny, though?
and on ilya's part, he chirps partially (i think) strategically to have the other team playing annoyed because that's not going to have them on their a-game, but also?? it's for fun. he is puppy nipping and going "play??? play back??? play??" and with almost everyone (because of the reputation he's been branded under), the response he gets is fuck off and a refusal to engage, like we saw with scott hunter. you know who's always understood that this is supposed to be for fun, though?
like these two have SO many communication issues between them, but it's so special to me that from the START they've been able to go, "play????" "yeah, i'll play"
the type of comradery you can only get when you're interacting with someone that's on the same level as you!!! no one else would play with them bc no one else is good enough for it
undiagnosed autistic people will be like "I don't get upset when my routine changes though!!" and it's because they've built a set of if-then loops in their head to pick from one of 6 different strict routines and they do get incredibly upset when they're unable to keep to any of the 6 scripts. I'm john normal
This is called a fault tree. You will always know how to act if your fault tree captures all possible scenarios. In NASA Mission Control during mission critical events like landings there are huge binders with fault tree protocols, kind of like choose your own adventure books except you’re not the one making the choices, the universe is making them for you and you’re just trying to keep up.
The engineers who develop fault trees, I am told, often imagine new ways for their precious spacecraft to die (new branches on the fault trees) either while in the shower or lying awake at 3am, because human
RIP Marjane Satrapi, author of the amazing graphic novels Persepolis about living during the fundamentalist revolution in Iran in the 70’s and 80’s. She also created the animated movie based on the graphic novels, which is where these gifs come from.
Reblogging in honor of Marjane Satrapi, one of THE great graphic novelists. Her comic Persepolis was a crucial text for shaping my belief that comics can deeply explore identity, culture, politics, and history.
Definition under the cut if you're interested and unsure..
Double Dutch is a high-energy jump rope game and competitive sport that involves two players turning two long jump ropes in alternating, egg-beater-style arcs while one or more jumpers perform routines in the middle (Wikipedia).
Everything I read about recovering from burnout is like “it takes months or even years to fully recover” and it’s like okay…. I have a weekend before I gotta clock in on Monday
He fell asleep in his bed, at home, and woke up at the goddamn grocery store with an overhead light in his face if that happened to you you’d become The Joker
Poor guy’s only been here for like a dozen weeks he doesn’t even have a favorite show to distract him yet he’s just raw-dogging reality unfiltered with no goddamn Blorbos to rotate whatsoever
