I want to be free

Sarah. 25 years old. New Yorker. I started this blog when I was a sophomore at NYU to document my journey in recovery from an eating disorder and my work through the 12 steps of OA and ABA. I still use it for that, but also just for whatever random thoughts I have about life. I believe I am still here because of my faith in something bigger than myself. 

[herchainsaregone]

My Bucket List

This is just a start; I’ll continue adding to this post. I’ve seen a couple of other people make bucket lists on tumblr and pinterest and it inspired me to do one, especially since I feel like I’m getting older and I’m running out of time to do crazy and adventurous things. So even though I’m saying I want to do these things in my lifetime, for a lot of them, that actually means I have to do them in the next few years, or sadly, I realistically probably won’t ever do them. I feel like I would have done a lot of this stuff earlier if I wasn’t too busy b/p or too embarrassed about how fat and grotesque I looked to go out in public or determined to wait until I was at my ideal weight to start living my “best life.” I don’t know that for sure though, those things could just be excuses because I do know people with ED’s who do have very exciting lives. Anyways my point is, I decided to make a list of stuff I want to do– some cool things, some crazy things that I just am curious about and want to be able to try once! 

Note: Everything on here is a one time event, so I didn’t put personal goals like “write a book”, “recover from my ED”, or anything like that which take time. This is specifically a list of things I can do once and then check off. :)

Keep reading

[allthesepurplelights]

[ohbutwebestmakepeacewithit]

Post secret

[goodreadss]

“I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

[hairstylesbeauty]

[lamafeeling]

Some of y’all really think racism in America looks like this:

When it really looks like this

[lostbutnowiamfound-24]

[herchainsaregone]

The media makes it sound like New York City is a person who has died, with the growing number of articles about the exodus to the suburbs and the death of cities. I hate to say it, but it’s given me second thoughts about my own plans to move back to NYC. It seems like every day more and more people are trying to flee New York, as evidenced by the abundance of Facebook Marketplace/Craigslist posts from people desperate to find a subletter for their overpriced apartment. If I wanted, I could get a very nice place in the city at a steep discount. But I haven’t taken the plunge and applied anywhere yet because it just seems like such a dumb idea to pay a premium to live in a small apartment in NYC but not be able to do anything in the city. I can’t bring myself to leave a big house with lots of surrounding green space where I can safely social distance to go pay rent to be cooped up in an apartment shared with multiple roommates all trying to work from home where we can hear each others’ Zoom conference calls.

At the same time though, my whole life is in New York, and I’m sure I’ll move back there eventually. At least for another year or so. I’m not ready at this point in my life to set up roots in a new city and I’m still banking on NYC making a comeback-- but like half the world, this whole situation definitely has me reassessing a lot of things about life...

[chewbacca]

RAIN ON ME Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande

[skywalkerapologist]

like your blog but no offense how are you on Tumblr in ur late 20s?

Good question anon! Here’s my secret: the old folks home lets us out for an hour of water aerobics every day and while the other residents are huffing and puffing like a bunch of suckers I’m off to the side of the pool with everything I need for posting quality content to Tumblr Dot Com.

[tired-af-p]

I needed this post today. It made me have a much needed laugh

[herchainsaregone]

shitpost

The one bright side of my “friend” from college who went to residential at Renfrew (the one with a reputation for oversharing) deciding to stop talking to me because I’m triggering is that it’s motivated me to stop binging because I know we’ll have to run into each other again eventually and I keep visualizing how great it will be if we haven’t seen each other in months and then when we finally do, I’m sticc and she’s thicc. Lol yeah I’m totally fine. 

[hel7l7]

[the-spaztic-fantastic]

This legitimately needs to be in future literature textbooks to capture the Covid-19 Pandemic.

[herchainsaregone]

Finished my first week of virtual PHP.

It was really stressful because I’m still working from home. I was distracted during all the groups (the ones I was even logged in for) because I had work going on in another screen. I told the team I would ask about taking a medical leave from work, but I’m almost certainly not going to do that. I feel like it would be a really flake-y thing to do especially in the middle of a pandemic when things are already so crazy. Hopefully they let me stay in this program *knock on wood* I feel bad for being distracted and not participating in the groups but from the little bits I caught it’s clear I’m not missing much. 

Meals in virtual treatment are a little different obviously; they give us menus and we plate the food ourselves at home. I haven’t had half the food I’ve needed to make the meals because I’m staying with my mom and she’s super paranoid about leaving the house and also I can’t keep cereal/crackers/chips/cheese/dessert at home because, well... They’ve let me make some substitutes for this first week, but I’m going to have to challenge myself to buy some stuff this weekend. it’s pretty easy to lie and say you ate everything or hide/manipulate parts of your meal because all they do is ask you to show your plate on the camera. But I’ve been trying to be as honest as possible to get as much as I can out of tx. 

I think I like the fact that virtual treatment gives me more responsibility, actually. Also, I don’t feel like the competitiveness factor is there as much with virtual treatment. Although, that could just be because I’m not focused during groups. Anyways, it’s not a perfect situation, but I am grateful for the opportunity to get treatment and continue working. 

[jspark3000]

Let’s talk about loneliness.

I’m not a therapist or doctor, but as a hospital chaplain, I’ve seen the terrible and awful effects of loneliness on mental health. The problem is that it’s tough to admit, almost embarrassing to say, “I’m hurting from loneliness.”

Loneliness is a double-bind in that in order to find comfort, it requires reaching out to people or for people to be near. But some of us have been alone so long, it’s unthinkable that we can connect with another human without risking rejection—which fuels more loneliness.

The unhelpful reply I hear to “I’m lonely” is “Why don’t you just make friends?” But that’s like saying, “Why don’t you just get rich?” or “Why can’t you just go to the gym?” We’re already in deficit, a lap behind, because we fear connection in proportion to how alone we feel.

It’s difficult to make friends and keep them. It’s hard to have real friendships that are not just functional transactions. Even when someone is surrounded by crowds or well connected, they may be the loneliest people on earth, because all their “friends” are transactional.

I don’t know the answer to loneliness. But I know what the answer is not: We can’t just snap out of it. We can’t just cure it with a party, a bar, a church, a dating app. It requires intentional investment and yes, the risk of rejection. The opposite of loneliness is courage.

Friends, this week may be lonely. This season can be brutal. They can remind you of all that’s missing. As trite as it sounds: You may feel lonely, but you are not alone. May you find the courage to reach out, to enter the possibilities of love in all its heaven and heartache.

— J.S.

[approvers]

[seashellronan]

no offence but i think a lot of us me included don’t actually want romantic love as badly as we think and really are just lonely and crave a closeness and intimacy that feels out of reach in friendships because of society’s emphasis on marriage and the nuclear family so we project that into the never ending search for a perfect love and a soulmate when really we all just want to mean something to someone

[seashellronan]

like i’m not dissing romantic love i would to be in love rn but i get so frustrated because humans are such social creatures and we need community to survive but we are taught that we need to pair off and so a lot of us spend a great majority of our lives lonely in between romantic encounters or we settle for less and give ourselves away to people because we are in constant fear of ending up completely isolated and alone and it’s so sad