DeathSmiles ost is godly @horrorgamer20 - Tumblr Blog

no offense check please fandom but all of your AU choices are pretty basic and as far as i have seen NO ONE has written a “cozy mystery” au where some is murdered but also it’s small town georgia and bitty was fixin to supply the 4th of july bake sale with his famous pecan pie but in between baking he now has to solve this murder and also romance hockey player jack with sweet tea and sass.

and it would have recipes between chapters and a little faux-cover like this

this is only the most OBVIOUS AU choice, and i have yet to see a single AU do exactly this.

titles could be:

Fresh Outta Puck

A Good Day to Pie

The Sweet Tea Strangler

In a Jam

Out of Thyme

The Killer Cobbler

A Muffin Murder

i don’t know how this isn’t a whole genre of fic in this fandom honestly

#omgcheckplease #check please #omgcp #hell yes #cozy mystery au

gdfalksen

Chiune Sugihara. This man saved 6000 Jews. He was a Japanese diplomat in Lithuania. When the Nazis began rounding up Jews, Sugihara risked his life to start issuing unlawful travel visas to Jews. He hand-wrote them 18 hrs a day. The day his consulate closed and he had to evacuate, witnesses claim he was STILL writing visas and throwing from the train as he pulled away. He saved 6000 lives. The world didn’t know what he’d done until Israel honored him in 1985, the year before he died.

bemusedlybespectacled

Why can’t we have a movie about him?

elasmata

He was often called “Sempo”, an alternative reading of the characters of his first name, as that was easier for Westerners to pronounce.

His wife, Yukiko, was also a part of this; she is often credited with suggesting the plan. The Sugihara family was held in a Soviet POW camp for 18 months until the end of the war; within a year of returning home, Sugihara was asked to resign - officially due to downsizing, but most likely because the government disagreed with his actions.

He didn’t simply grant visas - he granted visas against direct orders, after attempting three times to receive permission from the Japanese Foreign Ministry and being turned down each time. He did not “misread” orders; he was in direct violation of them, with the encouragement and support of his wife.

He was honoured as Righteous Among the Nations in 1985, a year before he died in Kamakura; he and his descendants have also been granted permanent Israeli citizenship. He was also posthumously awarded the Life Saving Cross of Lithuania (1993); Commander’s Cross Order of Merit of the Republic of Poland (1996); and the Commander’s Cross with Star of the Order of Polonia Restituta (2007). Though not canonized, some Eastern Orthodox Christians recognize him as a saint.

Sugihara was born in Gifu on the first day of 1900, January 1. He achieved top marks in his schooling; his father wanted him to become a physician, but Sugihara wished to pursue learning English. He deliberately failed the exam by writing only his name and then entered Waseda, where he majored in English. He joined the Foreign Ministry after graduation and worked in the Manchurian Foreign Office in Harbin (where he learned Russian and German; he also converted to the Eastern Orthodox Church during this time). He resigned his post in protest over how the Japanese government treated the local Chinese citizens. He eventually married Yukiko Kikuchi, who would suggest and encourage his acts in Lithuania; they had four sons together. Chiune Sugihara passed away July 31, 1986, at the age of 86. Until her own passing in 2008, Yukiko continued as an ambassador of his legacy.

It is estimated that the Sugiharas saved between 6,000-10,000 Lithuanian and Polish Jewish people.

returnofthejudai

It’s a tragedy that the Sugiharas aren’t household names. They are among the greatest heroes of WWII. Is it because they were from an Axis Power? Is it because they aren’t European? I don’t know. But I’ve decided to always reblog them when they come across my dash. If I had the money, I would finance a movie about them.

westsemiteblues

He told an interviewer:

You want to know about my motivation, don’t you? Well. It is the kind of sentiments anyone would have when he actually sees refugees face to face, begging with tears in their eyes. He just cannot help but sympathize with them. Among the refugees were the elderly and women. They were so desperate that they went so far as to kiss my shoes, Yes, I actually witnessed such scenes with my own eyes. Also, I felt at that time, that the Japanese government did not have any uniform opinion in Tokyo. Some Japanese military leaders were just scared because of the pressure from the Nazis; while other officials in the Home Ministry were simply ambivalent.

People in Tokyo were not united. I felt it silly to deal with them. So, I made up my mind not to wait for their reply. I knew that somebody would surely complain about me in the future. But, I myself thought this would be the right thing to do. There is nothing wrong in saving many people’s lives….The spirit of humanity, philanthropy…neighborly friendship…with this spirit, I ventured to do what I did, confronting this most difficult situation—and because of this reason, I went ahead with redoubled courage.

He died in nearly complete obscurity in Japan. His neighbors were shocked when people from all over, including Israeli diplomatic personnel, showed up at quiet little Mr. Sugihara’s funeral.

fahrlight

I will forever reblog this, I wish more people would know about them!

rhube

I liked this before when it had way less information. Thank you, history-sharers.

mousezilla

Tucked away in a corner in L.A.’s Little Tokyo is a life-sized statue of Chiune, seated on a bench and smiling gently as he holds out a visa.

The stone next to him bears a quote from the Talmud; “He who saves one life, saves the entire world.”

I had no idea it existed until a few weeks ago, but it’s since become one of my favorite pieces of public art.

antifainternational

Chiune Sugihara. Original antifa.

agirlinjapan

PBS made a documentary about Chiune Sugihara in 2005. If you’re interested in him, it’s definitely worth checking out. (The PBS link above even has some interactive information to go along with the film.) Ask your local library if they have a copy/can order you one from another library. You won’t be disappointed!

cincosechzehn-deactivated201901

kate beaton wasn’t kidding when she said look him up

dharmagun

i am going to find this and take him a present

jumpingjacktrash

always reblog mr sugihara

brandonrambles

Romance Novels Are Not About Love

The novels I came to first were romance novels. The fact of the matter is that my family wasn’t (and still isn’t) big on reading. I come from a big Southern family, but we didn’t have a storytelling tradition. My parents didn’t read to me. My grandparents didn’t weave tales out of thin air. The only stories handed down to me were the thin and mangled narratives my brother spat up to scare me at night.

The only person in my immediate family who read anything with any kind of consistency was my father’s sister. She was a nurse’s aid at a local nursing home, so most of her books were medical texts. Aside from my older cousins’ textbooks and the backs of soup cans, these were my formative texts. I was in love with the illustrations, how the human body had been pulled apart and accurately labeled. I read her books on pathology and remedies. There were entire sections on the path psoriasis takes through the skin, and how you come undone one cell at a time, in great clumps shedding form your arms and legs. I acquired my love of reading at an early age. I pulled it up out of excavated bellies.

She gave me my first novels. They were slim Regency Era books, all with the same ugly cover. I made the mistake of assuming they formed some sort of series, and I read them end on end, counting up the numbers on the side. As the numbers climbed higher, the characters all shuffled in and out, around and around. The names changed, but their core, the characters were the same. Powerful men with lots of money and questionable tempers fell in love with stiff-backed women hard on their luck. Wealthy women came to ruin and rose again with the aid of men of abundant character but limited financial resources. Duty. Dignity. Class. Regency Era romances are also known for their humor, usually delivered in the form of a wealthy spinster with an incisive tongue.

Next came the anthologies of erotica I found stashed in her cabinets. I passed entire summers reading through complex sexual scenes, feeling something heady and wild rising in me. I didn’t feel bad. I didn’t feel naughty. It didn’t occur to me that sex was a forbidden thing, something beyond the reach of children. Rather, I sat reading about milky breasts and strong, hairy thighs. I knew the sequence of events that proceeded from a first glance. I knew that it would lead to a flash of heat, a flicker of desire, a quickening in the chest.

My aunt spoiled me. At Wal-Mart or Winn-Dixie or Food Fair, she let me wander to the book aisle and stare at the bare chests of handsome men. I think I must have been reading about five books a week in those days. I read it all. Highlander, cowboy, contemporary movie star, Regency Era, historical America, erotica, soft erotica–I devoured the whole world of erotic fiction, even to the point of neglecting the books I should have been reading for school.

I did squeeze in The Giver and Holes, though. To be honest, I only read the second halves of the Harry Potter books, and when I took the quizzes on those books for our accelerated reader points program, I failed miserably. I was a gifted reader, though, with a college-level reading comprehension in third grade (whatever that means).

My favorite romance novelist of all time is Kathleen Woodiwiss. No one can touch her prose. When I first picked up The Flame and The Flower as a sixth grader, I was bowled over. Never had I experienced writing so beautiful and full and rich. Kathleen Woodiwiss’s prose is lyrical, sensitive, wild, and gorgeous. It hadn’t occurred to me that writing could do more than just describe. It hadn’t occurred to me that writing could contain a feeling, could be a vessel for emotion. Her writing startled me and changed me forever.

When I was twelve, I was always cruising around on my cousin’s AOL account to find something to give name to the amorphous, surging tide inside of me. I found an ugly site with a horrendous layout: Gay Sex Stories. It was, as you can imagine, filled with gay erotica. And yet, I knew that this was what I wanted. After months of secretly accessing the site and copy-pasting the text of these stories to notepad files for offline viewing, I began to want to read more than just sex. I wanted more than just stories about beautiful boys getting their bodies opened and taken apart. So I became a fastidious user of the online archive. I carefully poured over the story descriptions, looking for key words like jock and nerd and geek.

In the Gay Sex Stories archive, I discovered that rare thing that all queer boys search for: the love story. And perhaps that’s why I was especially lovesick in my teenage years. The thing about gay romance stories is that they are entirely wish fulfillment. In every story, the jock turns and notices you. The straight boy gives up women for you. The jock you’re tutoring brushes his thigh with yours, and suddenly, he loves you more than anything or anyone else in the world. Not only does he love you, but his love makes you worth something. So I went into middle school and high school in search of my wonderfully malleable jock, the one all gay boys are entitled to. I went in search of the corners of their eyes, where I would expand and glow to be the center of their world, blotting out their vision like a shroud.

And yet I found myself time and again turned inside-out by hurt because the thing romance novels don’t tell you is that straight boys are straight. When a straight boy looks at you, he doesn’t even see you. He looks right through you. When a straight boy brushes by you in the hall, he is trying to get to the bathroom or to the lunch room–he is not sending you furtive messages. When a straight boy puts his hand on our shoulder, he doesn’t want to turn you slowly so that your gazes will meet. He likely just wants to borrow a pencil. It’s the worst kind of growing pain. It’s not in the bones. It’s in the heart. It’s in your skin. It’s a fever you can’t sweat out. It’s a constant ache in the pit of your stomach, because you feel their eyes every time they pass you and do not speak your name. It’s a pain you have to endure.

I owe the romance genre a great deal. It’s the genre I know best. I read a lot of literary fiction. I love literary fiction. I love classic literature. French literature is a fave. But my native tongue is in the romance genre. It’s in the hand brushing layers of fabric, the heat between one’s thighs, the deep, dull ache that persists long after hope of relief has faded.

The romance genre is the genre of waiting–waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for lightning and then the thunder. The core of the romance genre is not love. The core of the romance genre is frustration and foiled expectation. The romance genre is about the lost. It’s about the forfeited. Love is the reward for enduring.

I think many people misunderstand this fundamental principle of romance novels, including many authors of romance novels. They think that if you give the reader some sultry sex, some witty banter, and a triumphant reunion in the end, things are fine. This is not romance.

Often, the characters in modern romance novels lack definition. They fall in love within days. Authors write chronologically, unwilling to jump ahead months or years even. There is a terrible miscalculation of scope. The characters say things like, “You’re so beautiful and wonderful” when there is nothing to the other character, they have no characteristics at all. Writers dash off novels that have no patience in them, and that is the biggest failure of all.

Romance novels require patience. If the writer is unwilling to make the reader wait, then they are doing the reader a disservice. If the writer is unwilling to make the characters wait, then the writer is not doing it properly.

#romance novels #gay romance #reading #you made some really great points

casually-inlove

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

A loooong time ago, this was the first thing ever that I attempted translating from Chinese. Going back to it feels almost nostalgic. Sharing this only because this doujin by Kado is extremely rare to come by even on doujin auctions and getting a physical Japanese copy has proven to be problematic so far – it’s not included in official re-print collection (especially since it’s like years old). But I was lucky enough to come by some chinese scanslations on tieba.baidu and it proved to be a neat way to brush up translation skills.

Anyway, the style is unlike inked versions Kado is known for. Nonetheless, it’s an interesting idea that I wish to share with the fandom. The story takes place allegedly shortly before or even during the very start of Third Division War (if Shiki’s comments are anything to believe), but definitely after his encounter with Nano. At this point, he’s not yet involved with Vischio but is already chasing his nemesis. Akira, on the other hand, is still a boy living in the orphanage. The latter is not yet evacuated, meaning that the attack on Tokyo apparently hasn’t commenced yet.

TL;DR it’s a prequel to the novel where a young Shiki meets young Akira.

As stated above, the original artist is Kado. Please, if you happen to come across an available Japanese copy, buy it. The translation isn’t 100% accurate but that’s the gist of it.

Do not repost.

#togainu no chi #shiki #tnc #nitro chiral #akira #comic #doujin #rare

elierlick

I always wondered where that one painting came from…

#great #wonderful #perfection #art in its purest form

lesbiansitara-moved-deactivated

I wish that ao3 had an option to filter warnings (and tbh certain authors) out like I will never ever want to read it and just seeing it puts me off so much that often I end up closing my browser because that content upsets me so much lmao

darcylindbergh

There is a way to do this but I can’t recall how to do it. it’s something you type into the box for “other filters” or something, I don’t remember. who knows?? It’s not a great option, and I don’t know if you can sort out authors that way, but it’s better than nothing if someone can reblog this with how to do it!

fordeductions-blog

Alrighty friends! It takes some specificity, but you can do this. Let me show you how!

So I started with going to the Sherlock (TV) section of Ao3. On the right we find this lovely section! ((I know I’m going over things you already probably know, but I figure this post may go to new Ao3 users, so bear with me.))

Underneath this, I chose sort by Kudos, because that’s a quick way to find most popular fics, for the sake of this demonstration.

With those filters on, we end up with this being our first two results:

As you can see, we have Nature and Nurture by earlgreytea68, and The Internet Is Not Just For Porn by cyerus. So what if I am utterly sick of seeing earlgreytea68 on my list? Let’s pretend I’ve read all their fics, or that I just don’t like her, or whatever. I want this author out. I go to this section on the right:

In “Search within results” I type earlgreytea68 into the bar, with a minus sign in front. This gives me the following page, upon hitting the sort and filter button:

There goes earlgreytea68! But now I’ve decided that Crack is just not my thing, I’m sick of that, too, for heaven’s sake, I want something reasonable in my gay slash fanfiction about detectives that solve crimes about glowing dogs and irish megalomaniacs. Heaven forbid this get ridiculous.

Well, then I add this to my search:

Which gets rid of everything with that tag. My results are now:

Performance in a Leading Role is now my first result!

You can do this as many times as you want; the biggest problem I have is trying to filter out multi-worded tags. For example, “Secret Relationship” is hard to filter. Better to go with authors you dislike or with words like “DubCon”.

I hope this helps! Also remember that googling site:archiveofourown.org and then adding search terms will mean google searches Ao3 for you, and sometimes that works far better.

Good luck!

darcylindbergh

An excellent in-depth guide! Thank you!!

eyesofmedusa

omg changed my whole ao3 rarepair game

stucky-ficrecs

An excellent guide to filtering on AO3!

You can filter out phrases by enclosing them in quotes. For example, if ABO and Hydra Trash Party are not your things, try:

-“alpha/beta/omega dynamics” -”hydra trash party”

possibly-an-obsession

I have more advice!

Say, you’re in your random fandom- I went with the Marvel Cinematic Universe, since I’ve been reading Iron Man stuff recently. Tony Stark is awesome.

But anyway, you’re on the page, and you see that there are 174,774 works! That is way too many for a casual afternoon’s browsing.

And you see that the first one is Peter Parker/Tony Stark and that is not your jam. It doesn’t work for you, or it squicks you, whatever. Wouldn’t life be easier if you could browse without seeing that pairing (or whatever pairing you don’t like)? You can!

First, click on that pairing tag(You may want to open this in another tab, actually.):

and it’ll take you to the page for that pairing tag. Click this button:

and then look at the address bar! The actual page is unimportant. Copy the numbers located here:

and go back to the original search page! Down on the side, in the same place you can get rid of other tags, type -relationship_ids:”the number you just copied”

Then hit ‘sort and filter’ annnd… magic!

The fics with that pairing are gone! You can also do multiple pairings, get rid of any tags you don’t like, and sort it by date or length or kudos, or whatever.

Enjoy.

irenkaferalkitty

I’d just like to add that these sorts of search modifiers ALSO WORK IN GOOGLE AND MOST RESEARCH DATABASES. The more you know.

itsmajel

Just a quick reminder that AO3 uses Lucene as a search and index engine.

That means you can pretty much use all the Lucene Query Syntax in the “Seach within result” field.

I don’t think AO3 indexes the whole fic for searching but definitely it’s meta data. Combined with Lucenes awesome query syntax you can do pretty much every search you heart desires.

Addtional Lucene Query Syntax that has not been mentioned yet and you might find useful:

Wildcard Searches

You can use wildcard searches within single terms. For a single character wildcard search use the “?” symbol. For a multiple character wildcard search use the “*” symbol.

AND/OR

Lucene allows you to combin terms through logic operators. You’re looking for fics that are either “reunion” or “enemies to lovers”?

Just put in >“reunion” OR “enemies to lovers”< into the field

and you end up with all the stories that are either or but not both.

But wait, now you’re looking for fics that are both “reunion” and “enemies to lovers” at the same time? Now worries Lucene got you covered.

Just change it into >“"reunion” AND “enemies to lovers”“<

and you’ll get all the fics that mention both “reunion” and “enemies to lovers” somewhere in their meta data (note: it’s not just tags. It’s also title, summary …)

Boosting

You can also boost specific terms when doing a multi term search.

You can use the “^” Operator followed by a number to boost a specific term.

Say you’re interested in fics that are either “first kiss” or “bed sharing” but you’re much more interested in “bed sharing” fics and feel they are more relevant.

You can use the search >“first kiss” “bed sharing”^5<

to manipulate the order of your results in a matter that the score of every fic that contains beg sharing is multiplied by 5. Therefore all fics containing that term are given priority and shown at the top of the list.

You can also combine all of the above, target specifc fields (that’s what you did with the “relationsship_id:xxx”) and many more things.

For more info about the Lucene query syntax check out Apache’s Lucene Query doc.

thefriendlypigeon

^ sharing this because we all love fanfics and @itsmajel is a freaking nerd 👌

#thank you so much #ao3 #fanfics

starknesskenobi

I’m sorry but no action movie fight scene compares to Colin Firth and Hugh Grant fighting in a Greek Restaurant in Bridget Jones’s Diary and in a Water Fountain in the sequel film

#true #bridget jones diary

passnavigoannuel-deactivated202

thank u barbie for showing bi/lesbian solidarity

passnavigoannuel-deactivated202

thank u barbie for paving the way to bi/lesbian/trans solidarity

goodbirb

Don’t forget bi and pan rights !

krowbby

this reply is so funny to me. sorry straights™, barbie is part of the GCU (gay cinematic universe) now

boxlizard

reblog if you support the gay cinematic universe

tricktster

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

tricktster

Oh god, I’m so sorry to reblog this incredibly longpost but in the interest of full disclosure I’m required to add the following, which I accidentally omitted due to careless error last night:

Emmett Cullen is exempt from all of the above criticism. Emmett Cullen’s canonical origin story is that he fought a bear so hard he got turned into a vampire. He’s a big simple friendly himbo that knows two sex jokes and is very excited to share them, and a Twilight Saga from his point of view would be a spiritual successor to Thor: Ragnarok.

twilightinmytwenties-deactivate

I’m speechless and absolutely obsessed with every part of this masterpiece

aethersea

@words-writ-in-starlight you were saying about a rewrite

#holy shit

Ok, there needs to be a tododeku au fanfic based off of the tv show chuck.

Seriously, it works so well, just think of it:

Deku is just your average everyman, but because of shenanigans, he gets the intersect, an incredibly advanced piece of spy tech, implanted into his brain. Next thing you know he has tons of spy information in his head, and can even fight. He gets assigned to Todoroki, the seemingly cold spy who's got layers of walls over his heart, and Bakugo, the loose cannon spy with a love of guns who has a love/hate kind of relationship with deku, as his handlers. And from there they go on spy adventures, and even take down secret spy organizations. There's so much room for romance, angst and comedy.

Also on another note, please watch Chuck. Its amazing!

#tododeku #mha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #au #fanfic #my hero academia fanfic #boku no hero academia fanfic #my hero academia au #chuck au #spy au

mellifexfarm

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