I'm tired but here's what I've got

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Go ahead put anything

I can’t just keep sitting inside of a dark room under the stairs and wait for something that will never happen. I miss you. Those words haunt me every day I think of you, but it doesn’t matter anymore because despite all the time travel novels there’s no way to go back. I’m finally in the moments where you’re gone and while everything is supposed to keep moving time keeps shoving me back to the moment where I lost you. I’ve been twenty different people since and I’ve lived that moment thousands of times. I love what I have now because that’s all I can really do. I try to push forward knowing that every moment is further away, but that’s life. We still last forever in that moment in time.

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

love tattoo

I have love tattooed to my wrists because in the off chance I forget I don't want to forget.

It's been six month now since we've said goodbye and I can seem to understand the emotions that I know know so well because its hits in waves so sporadically I could think of you like bolts of lighting on a humid night.

Of course, I still talk to you because you were the only one as stubborn as I am who ever tried to make sense of me. As you would tell me and as my wrists say to love and to be loved.

But now that feeling is a weight in my chest when the thought of you comes up and even though everyone experiences grief we all understand it differently.

So who can I talk to now? Who will ever hold my hand and tell me that they love me in the same way? I'm so lonely here without you that I tattooed love to my wrists to remind myself that no matter what I don't have to be.

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Hey friends!!! I have surgery coming up in less than 5 weeks and need a bit of help financially. If y’all could donate/share I would really appreciate. Anything helps.

https://gofund.me/baa5aa7c

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Please help me afford surgery

Hey friends!!! I have a surgery coming up in 5 weeks and need help finically. If y’all could please donate or share this I would very much appreciate it. Anything helps.

https://gofund.me/baa5aa7c

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Hey friends!!! I’m having surgery coming up and need a bit of help financially for it. I would really appreciate if y’all could share/donate. 

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-ellajane-get-gender-surgery?member=26204923&sharetype=teams&utm_campaign=p_na+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Failed state

is everything burning around mE

is the sky turning purple later tonighT

maybe we used to consider tomorrow a new daY

I guess we just live in the failed statE

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

I’m thinking about how in my room that there must be a double digit number of books read, but not finished waiting for me to commit to the end. It’s hard to think that I might’ve already put the book down for the last time. It’s weird to think about that it might sit on my bookshelf forever. The fan blows and I’m kind of reading a book that giving me feelings I’m not sure i want to have. I’ll feel them anyway because if I'm not going to commit to the end, I might as well commit to the feeling. 

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Lifetime ago

Living a lifetime ago, what maybe 8 years? Maybe more and the sky was blue and my brain was turned off in a moments of happiness and laughing. Days filled with the distraction of friends still could provide, and we could ignore anything a little too serious. We would hug each other which really meant I love you, but we were always too good to say it. Frozen in a moment forever, some posing? Sure, but maybe it’s more like caricature of how we lived in the moments. Is it that we were consumed by our innocence? I don’t think so. We were always just living on the edge of not knowing. 

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

3/15

I just want someone to touch my soul, but I’m not sure what that really means. Do I want someone to stick their hand in me and touch the parts that scream to be released? Or do I want someone to walk up to me and convey feelings that I may for may not care about? Either way I want to step on the other side of the mirror and hold my reflections hand. I want to tell her all the choices we’ve made were always in unison, and maybe that we’re not as different was we think we are. I want her to touch the inner being inside my heart to release all the love I have to the world. I want to smile moonbeams and hear sunlight and break sound. I want the universe to function like a train. Ready to go and exactly on time which tracks that seem like they go on forever. 

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Hope

Is that little tickle behind your brain that makes you laugh and might make you sane, but sometimes we forget how things really go, and the sun is never out when the world is stuck under snow. If you’re looking for a sign that things will be fine, then please here take this here. I’m still looking for mine.

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Closet

I promise that I haven’t burned the house down, but sadly I set my closet on fire. Embers of the person I used to be are getting bigger, letting me know that the choices I’ve made are the right ones. I didn’t exactly want to light the match, but I got so used to the light I wanted to touch the sun once I did. I had to let it go because some things aren’t under our control, and anyway, I wanted to make sure that I could never go back again.

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Fighter

What do you do when you lose the fight of your life? Are you supposed to climb back in and go another round? I’m asking because I’m so tired of fighting fights I never asked for. I can’t look in the mirror anymore without seeing all the stupid scars. The thing is no matter the answer; I want to be here. I’ve earned my spot on this miserable little planet, so I have to glove back up with tears in my eyes and sick of fighting. I might look like hell, but you should see the other guy.

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Other side

I look at the me in the mirror, and tell her that tomorrow will be better than today. I can’t get over how pretty she’s becoming, I wish I could look like that. She tells me that I’ll get there as long and i have patience. Maybe it exists easy on the other side, but over here I can’t find any so I go to lay down in my bed. I want to dream dreams of how I’ll feel looking the girl on the other side. 

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Radio silent

i just want to go radio silent for a week, and take a walk through the woods, see what’s left of the sky, and try to piece myself together with duct tape. Maybe I’ll sing my favorite song a billion times while I try to count the number of times the ceiling fan spins. I want to close my eyes and feel the morning dew hit me again. I want so much to be confused if I’m watching the sunrise or sunset while the world screams around me. I can’t hear it. It can’t hear me.

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Fragile

Someday's I'm fragile. I'll take each breath, and count it as a blessing from a higher deity. The second I drop one, I'll shatter into so many pieces I won't know how to pick them up. Someday's, I'm made of steel walking down the street with my head held right. I don't need people to tell me anything about myself because I know that I'm awesome, beside's who knows me better than me. Most day's I'm in between waiting to see which way I'll tilt. Some day's that's enough to make me fragile.

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

When I walk

I have a hard time wrapping around the idea that everything in my head isn't my own. Others haven't cultivated me, I have. Some of the flowers might wilt and fall, but that's okay. I like to leave something behind when I walk.

[igotthoughtsbutimtired]

Jars

All I ever wanted was to catch moments like firefly’s, but I’m not sure what the lifespan of a memory is anyway’s. They say it’s best to let things go. Last time I did I was left alone. I hate to put my favorite memories in jars. When I look in the distance I can see far enough away to know some things do last. Now I have to stop looking at the past.