boring canadian

[lavenderprose]

No but for real the ultimate dichotomy of man is Shane Hollander saying "Please cum on me please cum on my face" and then getting what he wants and saying "Ohhh my God" and then sitting back and sighing with relief and then with his eyes still closed saying "Get this off me right now."

[hollandar]

Heated Rivalry — 1x06 ⤷ COMING OUT (part 2/2)

(sources below)

Deadline — #1 Swooon — #2 Glamour — #3 Hollywood Reporter — #4 Loon Lovers Live — #5 Glamour — #6, #10 Variety — #7 Hollywood Reporter — #8 SiriusXM — #9

some more quotes that didn't fit:

[boringmenace]

Ilya thinking he’s about to embark on a sexcation only to be bombarded by cutieful Shane Hollander with plans to spend the rest of their lives together which effectively alters Ilya’s brain chemistry to be The Boyfriend of all time is straight up the funniest thing about heated rivalry

[perlukafarinn]

Thinking about time traveling Hollanov and what the most delicious combination would be,,,,

Kinda partial to Shane during that two year period when Ilya was chasing that hole + post-Long Game Ilya who is so affectionate and confident, and also desperately fighting himself not to steal the experience of being Shane's first from himself (even though Shane really kinda wants him to...)

Or rookie Ilya + post-HR Shane who can't believe he thought Ilya was so smooth and experienced the first time they hooked when, ten seconds in, it becomes clear to him that Ilya is mostly winging it. But that just gives Shane extra incentive to really show off what Ilya has taught him....

[perlukafarinn]

Leaning towards the first scenario because like,,, Ilya would really enjoy teasing Shane about how he made him chase him, while also assuring him that it's okay that he wants to be chased (he only says that latter part once he's got Shane red-faced and squirming at being called out like this).

Then Ilya would tell Shane that the wait was completely worth it because being the first man to fuck Shane Hollander is still maybe the hottest thing to ever happen to him, and that Shane was so sweet and perfect.

At this point Shane is so turned on that all rational thought has left the building and he asks Ilya if he wants to fuck him now. Be his first again.

Except Ilya can't be his first again, that can only happen once, and Ilya doesn't want to take that from his past self. So he tells Shane no, but Shane can tell how badly Ilya wants him, so he's crawling in his lap and asking (okay, fine, begging) Ilya to please, please fuck him.

And Ilya says fine, okay.... but just the tip.

[elnotwoods]

shane cockwarming ilya this, shane cockwarming ilya that… this fandom tends to forget that ilya is a throat goat and freaking loves to suck a dick, he swallows cause he “does not mind” (i.e. moans harder when shane cums down his throat than shane himself.. you know - the person cumming)

add to it that ilya loves resting his head in peoples laps, getting his hair played with.. and has an oral fixation

so what i am saying is that ilya loves, loves, LOVES! cockwarming shane - sometimes they just chill on the couch, watching a renovation show or a movie ilya isn’t particularly interested in so while he rests his head in shane’s lap he simply turns around, tugs shane’s sweats down and puts shane’s cock in his mouth

they stay like that for a long time, ilya gets all floaty and sleepy bc shane’s hand is stroking through his hair, lightly scratching at his scalp and his cock is in his mouth

when ilya gets antsy again he starts sucking him off and gets him to come quickly, swallowing at the end of course and goes back to cockwarming him if shane wants to continue watching his show

[c24c24]

Ilya after an Ottawa vs Boston game “Sorry boys, I can’t go out tonight. The old ball and chain wants me home.”

“…You mean Hollzy?”

“First of all, Shane would never chain me down, he picks me up he is the wind beneath my wings. He is the light of my life my moon and my stars. He doesn’t bring me down, he raises me up. Don’t you dare ever fucking suggest that again. I meant Cliff Marlow. We’re cooking him dinner.”

[lavenderprose]

There's a version of the Hollanov story where Yuna has just slightly less self control when it comes to her maternal anxiety spirals. And they're in Montreal but not for Shane-related reasons (David travels quite often for his job with the Treasury department and Yuna can work anywhere with a wifi connection and a horizontal surface to put her laptop on) and maybe Shane said Sorry, Mom, I know you're gonna be in town but I've got plans and Yuna said Of course honey, that's fine, it's only overnight anyway. Only now it's midnight and Yuna is in the same city as her son but she hasn't put eyes on him except through a television screen in months and something is not sitting right in her stomach. And yes she could take a Tums and try to forget about it and yes she could just quietly stew about it like she has in the past but her skin is crawling and she's gotten herself so worked up at this point and at this time of night Shane is probably either back from his plans or asleep so she just--

Goes.

And on the way she's thinking that Shane doesn't even have to know. She doesn't want him to know! Fuck, this is embarrassing for her and she knows how it'll look if anyone ever finds out but--isn't that kind of the point of being a mother? Being a little insane about your kids? And she promises herself that she'll just poke her head in and see if he's there and if he looks okay and then she'll GO and nobody has to know. And she's also thinking about the hours she spent driving in circles around their neighborhood when Shane was colicky just to get him to stay asleep for longer than a handful of minutes and she thinks about driving back and forth several times a week between Ottawa and Kingston when Shane was fifteen and had just been drafted to his OHL team and she thinks about all the vacations they didn't take and the way that she saw her whole life change form before her very eyes when Shane was eleven and a scout approached her and told her that her son was something special, something very special.

And this isn't any crazier than all of that right?

So she pulls into the parking garage and she takes the back way in, practically tiptoing already like Shane can hear her from all those floors up. And she gets in the elevator and scans the card to get up to Shane's floor and she tiptoes up to that door, too, and tries to make as little noise as possible on her way in.

The apartment is dark, almost airless, and Yuna for a moment wonders if Shane is even here, and if not where he would be at almost one o'clock in the morning. And then she's thinking Don't be foolish, Yuna, he's twenty-four and he lives in Montreal, he could be literally anywhere at one o'clock in the morning, and the voice sounds a bit like her own mother--

And then there is a sound from up the stairs and she realizes that it's music, playing realtively quietly, and she follows the sound of it up. It's coming from Shane's bedroom, of course, and she decides that this is more than enough proof that he is home and safe and alive, but then she hears a laugh and it--

Does not. Belong. To her son.

She's thrown for a whirl. Because what does that mean. There is a man in her son's bedroom who is not her son and what the fuck does that even mean--

Then Shane's voice does appear, just to say, "You're such an asshole," and the laugh comes back, louder this time.

And Yuna knows that she shouldn't. She knows that she's actively betraying her son's trust right now. She knows that she has absolutely no valid reason for moving towards the door when she now has proof that Shane is alive, well, and definitely has company of some...capacity that she doesn't know how to interpret at the moment (Though: Yes, she kind of does. There are only so many ways to interpret it).

But she's also not thinking very much at all, and her feet move sort of mechanically, and then she's peering through the slightly cracked door.

She'll realize, later on, that whatever cosmic accident or greater power formed this scenario did not do so with complete malevolence, because otherwise she could have certainly caught her son in a compromising position indeed. If she'd arrived even ten minutes earlier, she may have.

What she sees is already compromising enough. They are under the thin top sheet of one of the six identical bedding sets that Shane owns, and they are laying side-by-side propped against the pillows, not really cuddling by anyone's standards, but the thin sheet does nothing to hide that their legs are tangled together and the man (MAN) laying next to Shane has his hand in an extremely proprietary position on Shane's thigh. The music is coming from the phone in the man's hand, and they are watching it together, and Yuna--

Yuna is a fucking adult, and she knows what the words post-coital mean and what it looks like. And she is so violently embarrassed and her head is spinning with so many questions and so much regret that she almost doesn't realize who the man laying next to Shane IS.

Almost, because there is no power in the world that could prevent her from realizing that Ilya Rozanov is in her son's bed.

"You see?" Rozanov is saying, and it's absurd that Yuna's first thought is that he sounds different outside of press conferences and post-game interviews. Softer, younger. "This is called music video, Hollander. I know, I know, is very new thing for you, maybe scary-"

Shane snaps out a hand and slaps Rozanov in the shoulder, and Yuna--kind of winces, because that sounded actually pretty hard and she doesn't like the idea that she raised a kid who would treat someone they're in bed with that way--

But Rozanov grins, and Shane grins back, and then Rozanov is--rolling over and--

OH, oh God, she needs to leave.

And before she's out of earshot, she hears Shane say, "Why did this guy even want you in this music video?"

And Ilya fucking Rozanov says, "Well, probably they wanted big famous hockey player and they thought Shane Hollander, eh, too boring to ever be in music video--"

"Asshole," Shane says again.

And Yuna, despite herself, despite racing down the stairs as quickly and safely as she can in socked feet on laminate flooring, can only think, Yeah, asshole. They reached out to us first.

[gurlsrool]

Ilya regularly sends people gifs of himself. That’s basically canon to me. But lately I’ve been thinking about how he would also send people gifs of Shane. Confirming plans with a gif of Shane giving a thumbs up. Celebrating good news with a gif of Shane during a celly

Everyone thinks it’s just classic Rozanov being a little shit. But really, it’s the closest he gets to sending people pictures of his boy.

Isn’t he pretty? he thinks. Isn’t he cute? Can you believe he wants me? You’re all laughing, but maybe you wouldn’t be if you knew he was mine. Maybe you’d be as proud as I am. Maybe.

[cottagehillsunset]

Alternate Timeline where the Centaurs notice how Ilya sometimes spends time in Montreal when they have a break, watches all the Montreal Games, seems to know oddly specific details for his chirps against Hayden Pike, and come to the conclusion that their poor Captain is helplessly in love with one Hayden Pike.

So they gather around and have a Strategy Session to discuss how to best proceed. Because Ilya is clearly heartbroken and they don't want to see him hurt. Hence, the strategy meeting. They can't tell Ilya directly, that might spook him. Can't tell Hayden directly either, though. Sure he seems like a decent dude based on what some of them have seen at the camps and events, but who knows how me might react to being told that Ilya Rozanov is in love with him?

No no, best to find someone more neutral. Someone who would be polite about it and discreet and not run to the next gossip magazine or group chat to yell about it. So obviously, there is only one good option. Shane Hollander, famously decent guy and apparently friends with both Hayden Pike AND Ilya Rozanov. Also, he co-funded a charity about mental health with Rozy, surely he would not be an asshole about that, right?

They consider this to be an ansolutely foolproof plan. Bood and Wyatt are elected as the ones who are to message Shane. Best to do it over text so not to corner him, right? Also it's difficult to talk to him somewhere where they may get some privacy.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Montreal Ilya is very confused when his boyfriend, who had been happily cuddling with him up until a moment, suddenly lets out a strangled sound and basically launches his phone accross the living room.

[madamoisellemabry]

i do think there’s a world where ilya tells cliff marleau about the friendship plan and cliff is like “well if ur cover story is friendship than we need to make ur reputation with friends super gay king” and ilya is like “bro … you would do that … for us …” and cliff is like “no worries big dawg”. because like, hollander doesn’t do the gay for the homies thing naturally, but if roz has a reputation, it won’t be weird if he does it in public even if hollsy doesn’t reciprocate. cliff is a genius.

anyway, that’s how the internet spends a year speculating that ilya rozanov and cliff marleau have explored each others bodies. they are so all over each other and constantly tweeting gay shit about each other that ilya’s time with shane barely even gets a second glance. the first time ilya drags shane out to meet cliff, a photo gets posted on twitter and everyone is like “poor shane having to third wheel these two #ally”.

obviously shane is gnawing on furniture because he’s so jealous, but the plan does work. and when they get outed, cliff works it into his best man speech.

[ilyilyarozanov]

i’m not sure if there are fics like this out there but either way i think we as a fandom don’t think about Shane’s french and “il y a” as a tool of mental torment for Ilya enough

i want a down atrocious pre-first name basis Ilya watching a french post-game interview with Shane replaying a point where he says “il y a” over and over and over and maybe jerking off to it ?

or a post-cottage Shane glancing at the camera every time he says it to the media, his pronunciation getting slightly clunkier as he says “Ilya” instead. either as a secret just between them or just something he does subconsciously, thinking of him on reflex every time his lips move to say the words.

anyways just a thought

[hudconvent]

ilya opening their mail one day and then yelling SHANESHANESHANE who rushes in to where ilya is holding up a piece of mail gleefully

its a speeding ticket (not uncommon) with a traffic enforcement photo attached and its undeniable that it’s ilya’s (very few orange lamborghinis in the area) so shane is like “wow way to go. another few of those and your license is finally going to get revoked” and ilya is like “no. look closer.”

and shane leans in to look at the photo and tiny, just barely perceptible on the grainy photo, is ilya’s hand with a handful of dark hair in his lap

shane is beyond mortified but ilya keeps trying to hang the photo on the fridge

[toasted-rivalry]

A ‘Bears walk in to Ilya’s house and see him napping with Shane AU’ where Ilya somehow manages to still keep Shane’s identity a secret.

Ilya always had been a light sleeper, so no matter how lightly they stepped he was awake moments after the first shocked gasp.

Ilya knows it’s over for him. There’s no mistaking that there’s a man asleep on his chest in a clearly non-platonic cuddle. Usually Ilya would be punching the intruder, threatening violence to try and ensure they kept their mouth shut but he has quickly realised something far more important. With the way they are sleeping, Ilya on his underneath on his back and Shane on his stomach on top with his face pressed into the gap between Ilya’s neck and the couch, they can’t see his face.

He quickly pulls Shane’s hood up over his head to hide hair and rests a hand over it to gently discourage Shane from moving it should he start to wake up.

So Ilya just stares down his team and goes “you can be upset, but are going to be fucking quiet about it because if you wake my guest I’m sending all my blackmail on you to your wives, and then start fucking them to help them get over the divorce.”

So the whole “You’re fucking gay!” “No, I’m a fucking bi who is fucking a gay” conversation happens at a furious whisper, with Shane blissfully sleeping on Ilya’s chest as life implodes around him.

Shane may be a deep sleeper - and the argument in whispers - but even he starts to stir at the noise.

Ilya can’t have him moving his face into visibility now, so he just scruffs the back of his neck harshly and pressed him deeper into his shoulder.

Shane lets out a pleased (and not at all quiet) moan, and - worried that he is going to start talking - Ilya realises he needs to shut him up.

So he glares at the Bears to be quiet, while suddenly putting on the softest voice they have ever heard him use as he goes, “shhh quiet time now mоя любовь. Back to sleep.” And then shoves his fingers into Shane’s mouth.

When the Bears leave soon after, some of them have LEARNT some things about themselves. But crucially, none of them have learnt who their captain is fucking.

[lavenderprose]

Shane at a presser: Yeah our guys are really working hard, tonight's game was--

Arthur Pike, sitting in Hayden's lap at the next microphone, shouting: HELLO SHANE HOLLANDER

Shane: Ha, um--tonight's game was tough but we're hungry for it--

Arthur Pike, struggling out of his father's grasp: SHANE! SHANE! SHANE!

Shane, whispering: Okay, okay.

Hayden Pike, leaning into the microphone once Arthur is happily slung between both their laps: He, uh, really likes Shane.

[fractally]

I do think it's super fun that TLG gives us a lil' preview of what Shane is going to be like on the Cens:

Which is to say sitting on the bench trading off between endless bickering and gossiping about other players

[argillaforma]

the whole boston team knowing about montreal jane and they think that ilya rozanov who can pull any girl he wants must have found a real baddie the way he keeps coming back for more and then hard cut to shane hollander on a friday night drinking tea and reading the same hockey book for the fourth time who when ilya texts him asking what are you wearing? texts back my new organic cotton pj set and ilya texts back i'm so hard tell me more

[katinacrisis]

the centaurs 100% believe shane is a top btw. he never corrects them. ilya tries to tell them all the time but they never believe him. they’re like “man you don’t have to pretend w us there’s no shame in being a bottom” and ilya is trying to murder them with his eyes