Thought-Drop

💭ENFJ-A 💭

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5.28.19

Loneliness is a lion lurking--when you let your guard down--he pounces. He digs his claws in lightly at first but as soon as you are aware of their presence you tend to fixate on it and the claws dig a little deeper. You feel the pain, the ache. (the ache for someone, anyone to be with. one who will listen, comfort, and simply exist with you) Desperate for an escape, you are willing to throw yourself down any rabbit hole you can find. But you’ve been there before, you’re wiser this time, you know better, you fight it and fail but you keep trying until the lion that is loneliness decides you are not worth the effort but you know the exact opposite is true. You are worth the chase, the energy, the time, the brain power, the effort. And then you realize you can never be fully alone on a planet filled with people feeling the same exact way...and you are okay.

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3.15.18

This spring break my family decided to drive to Colorado to visit our family that lives there. I took advantage of the 12 hour car rides by reading. As a kid I really enjoyed reading in the hot Iowa summers, but lately I haven't even given reading a thought.

The first book I read over break was called Me and Earl and the Dying Girl. I chose this one simply because I had heard of it before. If it's well known it can't be bad, right? As it turns out this was a good match for me. Spoiler alert: the Dying Girl is dying from leukemia. My aunt had leukemia so it was interesting to see how this author portrayed the illness.

The next book I read was A Semi-Definitive List of Worst Nightmares. In the beginning, the protagonist says that her family is cursed by their individual fears and as a result, by death. She meets a boy (surprise, suprise) and he helps her face one fear each week. Eventually, the protagonist realizes the cure can't be real and she notices each member of her family, herself included, is struggling with a form of mental illness. This intrigued me because I know that I don't know nearly enough about things people around me are struggling with daily.

All in all, books are a underrated, solid way to pass time.

(Enjoy my feeble attempt to keep this blog semi-visual by including a photography project of mine:)

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2.3.18

For the past 7 years of my life I have been involved in show choir. It's a crazy activity where you and 47 of your closesst friends perform and compete. While the important thing is to have fun, another huge goal the team always has is to win grand champs.

Last weekend we competed against some really good teams and ended up a close second in day rounds. This was good, but it wasn't enough. Between day and night rounds we cleaned, added dynamics, and hyped ourselves up for our best show ever. We executed every move with precision and sang every note out to the back. It was the most exhilarating experience ever. Running off the stage afterwards we were so hyped and unified. I hugged a teammate and he carried me out of the gym, we all sprinted through the school to get outside, two members were lifted up and carried back to our room like champs. We knew that no matter what the results were, we had won. We did the absolute best that we could and left it all on the stage *spoiler alert: it wasn't enough.* We ended up in second.

Yesterday we had another competition. We were the returning champs to this competition, so we had a legacy to defend. We placed first in day rounds, only ahead of second place by 6 points. If we wanted to win, we could not let up. Once again, we killed it. The only difference was this time was the results. We got best choreo, best vocals, and GRAND CHAMPIONS!! The crowd erupted, we stormed the stage, proud hugs were shared all around, many pictures were taken.

Winning a varsity grand champ has been an aspiration of mine since sixth grade when I saw my sister do it. To have finally achieved this feels like an absolute dream come true, but what is even better than the first place trophy, is family and the memories I have gained along the way. And I owe it all to this stupid, amazing, aggravating, exhilarating, exhausting, perfect team.

Xhil 2018•The Sky's the Limit 💙

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1.24.18

I am one of the many people that exist in the world that are not selfie lovers. That's why I decided to push myself a little further than a selfie when I used myself as the model for my photography assignment.

Throughout the process of making it, I had to 1) accept the fact that no picture would be perfect, we are our own harshest critics 2) pick a picture that wouldn't make me go crazy when editing and 3) stare at that same picture for an hour or two while I completely overhauled it. My way of coping with these things was to make the self portrait abstract. By doing this I could blame whatever I didn't like on the fact that it is abstract. I know this isn't the best mindset to have, but it enabled me to use myself to create a project that I don't hate.

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1.9.18 a regressive collection.

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1.1.17

Holy cow! My 2018 has started off strong. It is currently 11:13 am and I have been awake for 11 hours and 13 minutes of 2018 after staying up all night and going over 24 hours without any sleep. Last night I went over to a friends house and we watched a few Vine comps, played 'What Do You Meme?', consumed a lot of pizza and sparkling juice, and watched IT. They we settled in to go to sleep...except some of us were more tired than others. A few people fell asleep almost instantly, but around 4 am there were only four of us left. The four of us had been chatting and getting caught up in the world of who likes who, who did what when, etc. Pretty soon it was just me and one other guy that were awake.

There are very few people that you can talk one-on-one with through the wee hours of the night for hours on end without getting bored, getting annoyed, or falling asleep. Luckily, this guy is one of those magical people. We talked about everything and everything. Past, present, future: we touched on it all.

In her dark basement, everyone else just seemed to fade away. We were reduced to 1) a girl curled up in the comfy chair, leaning on the big armrest, absorbing his thoughts and theories and 2) a boy confidently stretched out on the floor, looking up at her, bantering back and forth without a care in the world. Regardless of the fact that we could only see each others silhouettes, we talked as two quiet voices, just an arms reach away. Our secrets were shared, inside jokes were created, advice was given, and many hushed laughs closed the space between us. As the sun began to rise little by little, I was able to see him along with everything and everyone around us in a little more detail. I took it all in: the faint light of the street lamps streaming in, the way his body moved as one to menuver around the piles of sleeping bodies, even the snorers and sleep talkers amoung us. I want this memory to last a while.

When everyone started groggily waking up in the morning, we were locked in on the same wavelength in every way possible. The conversations we had in the late hours of the night to the early hours of the morning were some of the most genuine conversations I have ever had. They allowed me to get to get inside his head and know him in a different, fuller light...and it was great.

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12.30.17

Anyone know how to add approximately 8 more hours to each night? Just asking for a sleep deprived friend whos bad with time management.... But really, does anyone else find themselves in their room at night with a sudden burst of motivation and so many things you want to get done, but you also need to get sleep at some point in the night?

For example, tonight I still want to: work out, edit photos, write this Tumblr post, pray, make a 2018 bucket list, clean my room, snap a few friends, and read some of my book (The Future of Us by Asher and Mackler)...all by 2ish am...it's 12:45 currently. So obviously all of that won't actually get done, which is fine I suppose, but I need to make the decision of what to cut and what to keep. This is often the hardest part because I don't want to be: a lazy couch potato, a bad Catholic, a slob who lives in a pigsty, anti-social, etc.

In a perfect world I would have marvelous time management so I don't run into this issue every night, but the world is not perfect and neither am I. However this doesn't mean I am unable to strive to improve myself. That is why my #1 goal in 2018 is to work on my time mangement. This covers everything from not procrastinating, to working efficiently ("work smarter, not harder") while not getting distracted, and learning where to draw the line of when to say no to helping other people. I am writing this here as a way to hold myself to it. By typing it out I am taking it from a vague abstract idea to a concrete statement.

With 2018 quickly approaching, I challenge you to look at your way of life and see what can be improved. Don't focus on changing yourself, focus of improving yourself. Instead of trying to be a better you a year from now, try to be a better you tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that. When you think you've fully accomplished it, push it a little farther, you might just surprise yourself.

"Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today." - b.f.

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12.2.17

Believe it or not, the third Thursday in November is not the only day you can be thankful. This past thanksgiving season I noticed a lot of people posting about how thankful they are for this or for that, and it got me thinking. Why do people only proclaim their thanks on this one day? Givin everything there is to be thankful for, we should be able to find at least one thing to appreciate every day.

One way to keep good things in focus is write one thing down each day. Just one. It doesn't have to be some huge earth shattering thing; it just has to be one positive thing. I started doing this last October and I haven't looked back since. It has had a phenomenally positive impact on my life. Doing this has forced me to have a more optimistic view on life and that has made all the difference. I challenge you to try this for just 30 days. You might be amazed when you look back to when you started and be able to remember one little thing about each day that made you happy.

Some of the things that I am thankful for: friends, family, food, health, the crunch of dry leaves, the sparkle of fresh snow, the clean scent after a spring rain, the feeling of warm sun on your skin, driving under an overpass in the rain, trips to the dollar store, getting well deserved recognition, productive days, power naps, fluffy dogs, random blogs, tight hugs, soft sweaters, chapsticke perfect pair of jeans, fun socks, blue skies spotted with clouds, warm breeze, funny jokes, mini adventures with friends, late night texters, and so many more.

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11.12.17

Going outside of your comfort zone is a necessary step for growth. We need to always be trying new things so we don't get complacent with where we are in life. This year I took a step outside of my comfort zone when I decided to be in my school's musical, Footloose. It was..an adventure, to say the least.

Some things I encountered included: a semi-rude dictator director, sassy shushing seniors, some really fun underclassmen, and a whole community I didn't previously know about. These are some of the more negative conclusions I have come to. Directors are meant to lead, not tell the cast contradicting instructions and yell at us when we are unable to meet her impossible demands. It is the seniors responsibility to lead. We should strive to lead by example, not think that we are better than everyone else and completely disregard the system.

Amidst these negatives there were also some really great memories too. Being a part of this musical made me dance, sing, talk, and hang out with so many new underclassmen who I had previously never known. I'm great full I had the opportunity to form some of these relationships. I also learned about some traditions the drama department has, such as: 1-2-3-4-5, intermission run, and cast parties.

It was like I had stumbled into some crazy universe and I hated it until I loved it. The long grueling weeks/months of practicing were more often cringy and tedious than a fun time; when it came to show week that no longer mattered. With the hard part behind us, we were able to go out there and kill it for three sold out shows! I am very glad it is over, but I am more glad that I tried it. [enojy a few of the pictures I got with some of the people that helped make the process a little more bearable]

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11.3.17

I, along with the majority of people, do not have a photographic memory. However, I will occasionally come across a moment I want capture. In these times I try to pause what I'm doing and look at what's around me as if it were a picture or a painting. I lay it out in my mind in hopes that will help preserve it.

While hanging out with friends tonight, I had one of these perfect moments. We all layer down together with our heads in the middle. As I looked to my left, this is what I saw: His sweatshirt balled up supporting my head. The darkness trying to pull him away from me, but his lit silhouette looking my way. Cloaked in warmth and propped up on elbows, his eyes were locked on mine. His mischievous little grin told me there was something firing in his brain. My eyes scanned the scene some more and I couldn't help but see his smooth, strong arms holding him up, his blond hair shining despite the lack of light, and the twinkle in his eyes, the twinkle that keeps pulling me back in for more. I noticed the light trickling in over his shoulder and the scent of his sweatshirt.

In instances such as these, I try to take in every element exactly as is was and form a coehesive image. These "pictures" that I have taken are a big part of how I remember the best of times with the best of people.

"Life is like a camera: Capture the good times, develop from the negatives. And if things don't work out, take another shot."

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10.31.17

To anyone who has ever sworn off boys, I have a question for you; why do you always focus on obsess over boys so much more after you have pledged to stay away from them?

Let me tell you a little story about a friend of mine, lets call her Kelsey. After breaking up with her slightly unstable, extremely clingy boyfriend, Kelsey said she was sick of boys and all the drama that seems to always come with them. During the time where she swore she was leaving boys in the past she: 1) said she was done with dating until college came around 2) complained that she is never able to find a guy and simultaneously 3) put all of the blame of her past relationships on her exs. After a week or so of this, one of her exs friends called and left her a voicemail asking her out on a date (major cringe!). She said no, she said "it's too soon".

But tonight she told me she had "huge news". Fairly certain her earth shattering news was about some guy, I cut straight to the chase and asked "who is he?" Unfortunately, My hunch was right. Kelsey then proceeded to tell me that she was now dating another one of our friends. From my perspective, both Kelsey and her new BF want the perks of a relationship more then want any form of commitment, which is a pretty substantial part of the whole dating thing. They crave the attention they get from each other, not the affection they can show each other. Inevitably, they will go on a few "dates" (if you can even call them that) and realize there's nothing more than friendly feelings there. I only hope they are smart enough to realize this and break up before it gets too messy.

I have never been one of those girls, so maybe that's why I am in a state of constant confusion when it comes to the deadly hate/obsession guy combo. Maybe I'm just confused on how, if every relationship you are in is ending badly, you never think to consider that it might be your fault and maybe it's actually you who is not ready to be in a relationship. I guess you have to be able to ride a bike before you try to tandem.

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10.29.17

With every passing party I realize one thing: they are all coming to an end. As I am going through my senior year I have many mixed emotions. Everything is a last. College has always seemed so far away, but now with it so close I just wish I could stop this train.

I'm okay with moving away from home and my family because I know I will still see them and our relationships can't just fade away. However, I am slightly terrified of moving away from my friends. Three specifically. Claire, Lizzy and Caleb. So now I speak directly to you: I don't know if I will ever tell/show you this but if you ever find it, here is what I want to tell you when I think about leaving you guys.

Claire and Lizzy, I love you guys like sisters and I am beyond blessed to have had you by my side through all of elementary, middle, and high school. That's a long freaking time! Come to think of it, I've never really had to do the whole school thing without you two and I don't know how I'll manage without you. Whatever happens, I will never forget the special tic tac toe/peachy/wpl/car talk bond we had.

Caleb, I never knew you could click with a person so fast and so well after just three years. I have learned many things from you in that short amount of time. I have learned how to be a better person, how to make people laugh and bring them up. You taught me to be the type of person you want to be around. If I have a son someday, I hope he grows up to be as amazing/talented/dedicated of a person as you are.

Dear Claire, Lizzy, and Caleb.

You were three of the brightest rays of sunshine always lighting up my world. I want to thank you for the giant roles you've played in my life. Very few can even pretend to compare to the level of compassion you provide. I am so incredibly thankful for our time together.

Forever yours, Gabi <3

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10.15.17

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10.12.17

Music has the power to bring people together. This is definitely the case with my high school choir.

As we stood in a big circle around the choir classroom practicing a song for our upcoming concert today, I looked around the circle and what I saw amazed me. Not only did I see the faces of cross country kids, band boys, football finatics, etc. looking back at me, but I saw a bunch of friends (or aquatintences in some cases). I know this is all thanks to music. Without it, or our wonderful director, we would never be able to achieve half of the things we do on a daily basis. You may or may not know this, but choir kids have the tendency to be a tad bit obnoxious..constantly..for no reason whatsoever. We just love make noise and get attention I guess.

But, when the director plays our starting note all of these differences and quirks fade away. I am no longer just me, I am one soprano that gets absorbed into the choir. These are the best moments. Nothing can compare to the feeling of unity you get from all singing as "loud as you can while still sounding beautiful" with 70 of your closest friends, and the feeling of power that comes with it. My favorite thing about singing in the choir, is the short silence that comes after the cutoff of the final note. We are afraid to breathe, afraid we will somehow ruin the auditory art we just created. But we don't. We let out a collective sigh and we know everyone else in the room just felt the same things we did--and that's pretty freaking cool if you ask me.

Being in a choir is a great thing that everyone should get the chance to experience at some time in their lives. Whether you participate or just attend a choral concert doesn't matter. It's just one of those things you have to see for yourself.

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10.11.17

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. This is a quote you have undoubtedly heard many times before.

This week, one of my best friends is helping sixth graders 'find themselves' and 'come out of their shell' by leading a retreat for them. This sounds great, and it is, for the most part. They have an opportunity to grow and he has an opportunity to serve, but I have received the opportunity to see what it is like for him to be here and in my life one day and gone, without a trace, the next. He's been gone two days, the same number of days in a weekend. So what makes these two days so hard? I've gone weekends without seeing him before and been just fine. I didn't feel like a little pice of me had been removed, so why can I feel that now?

I think the reason it's been harder is because of the stark contrast it has brought. The bubble he creates, the one filled with his warm/positive presence, radiating around me, has been popped. It sent me back to the real world with a crash landing. If we know a crash is coming, we are able to either pack our parachute or brace for impact. With no warning at all, I was ejected from the plane. Reaching for a cord that wasn't there, I realized I was crashing, and crashing hard, but by that time it was too late. *splat!*

I have come to the conclusion that sudden contrast (in addition to absence) makes the heart grow fonder. Given the right amount of time, we will either adapt to life without it/him/them or drive ourselves crazy thinking about someone/something far, far away.

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10.10.17

I believe that even the happiest of people get in inexplainable funks every once in a while. I also think they don't often tell others they are going through this because they are supposed to be the one other lean on, not the other way around. They are supposed to be the happy person.

Currently I am in one of these funks.

For me, it can take a few days before I even realize what's happening. It starts when I notice things that usually bring me so much joy start to seem bland. After this, it's a slippery slope as everything else follows. Life loses its luster and leaves us lonely. Suddenly everything seems 10 times more stressful. All of my plans tend to go down the drain as I try to drown them out by doing things that should make me happy. I try social media, Netflix, YouTube, etc, anything that can give me a temporary reprieve from it all. However, this approach usually ends up being a waste of time, because as soon as I stop, it all comes rushing back. I feel exhaused constantly and am always getting annoyed with almost everyone around me. What was left of my sleep schedule goes out the window, along with my quality of life in general. I just need a breather but I'm held under water for far too long. Finally, the switch will flip and I'll go right back to being my usual optimistic/friendly/kind self.

I know my issues aren't that big in the grand scheme of things and my life is actually pretty good, but that doesn't make these funks any easier. If anyone knows the magic answer of how to avoid/deal with these, consider this to be your unofficial invite to my dms because I would love any help I can get

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10.7.17

There are a few iconic things that everyone should have the opportunity too experience while in high school. One of these things is the Homecoming dance. Yesterday I attended my last Homecoming dance as a senior in high school. 

These are a few things I have learned through my experiences with school dances:

Fake eyelashes are super wacky but also pretty cool-props to anyone who has mastered being able to put them on.

Pictures are awkward and everyone hates them while they're happening, but no one seems to have an issue with posting them later. 

Dinner is just food. It really doesn't matter where you go or what you eat as long as you do it together.

Being in a car with a bad driver is a good bonding experience for you and all of the other passengers.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to tell everyone that you love their dress/shoes/hair/makeup/date if they compliment you first. Sometimes it’s better to just say thank you than to lie.

But also, if someone looks like an absolute queen don't be afraid to tell them!

KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON. DON’T GET FREAKY ON THE DANCE FLOOR WITH HALF OF THE SCHOOL WATCHING.

The after party is often the best part, especially because you can be in a t shirt and leggings :)

Remember that the best conversations with your friends happen when you are sleep deprived and have had a lot of sugar. 

It’s one special night BUT that doesn’t mean it is the only special night you will ever experience. The only thing that matters is if you have fun.