she doesn't have to say it. she doesn't even have to think it. but he feels it. he always has, ever since he was young. with everyone. he spent years convincing himself that if their parents had only had one child, maybe their mother would have coped better, stayed. been the mother that maeve deserved to have. maybe then their father wouldn't be so sad, so absent from the life happening around him. then maeve wouldn't have had to pick up the slack, wouldn't be so hesitant to let people in. wouldn't have to deal with HIS BULLSHIT. and while rationally none of it is his fault, his mind has a very damaging way of telling him that he alone is the root of every problem.
when she does as he asks, and continues to hit him, there's relief. physical hurt is easier for him to process, hence why he's spent the majority of his life egging anyone on whenever they seem like they want to harm him. but it doesn't help her. that much is obvious when she breaks down. he's never really seen her life this. can tell, of course, when she's struggling. when she shoulders it IN SILENCE. tries in his own ways to help her through it, but of course he's never been very good at that. and so he stands, still, frozen in place. he hates the fact that he's driven her to this.
what does he do ? what can he say ? how does he fix what he's broken ?
" maeve . . . " he eventually says, voice strained. a hand drags down his face, and he does all that he can to stop his own gaze from glossing over. seconds pass, and then he moves. hesitant steps towards her. a deep, painful breath is inhaled, his heart breaking as he watches the other half of him fall apart in front of him. he crouches in front of her, wracking his brain trying to find the right words to say. should be able to find better than, " c'mere you feckin' eejit, " but that's exactly what comes out. his arms wrap around her, and knowing that she might try and push him away, he holds onto her with a tighter embrace. he can't remember a time they've ever hugged, at least not since their childhood where they'd have been forced to for family photos. it never really dawns on him how starved of affection they are. how cold they've been raised to be.
" i love you, " he whispers, despite how strange the words feel on his tongue. but he needs her to know it, even though they'll likely never mention this moment again. " i love you more than anythin' in this fuckin' world. a couple of months not talkin' isn't goin' to change that. i'm just shit at dealing with things. i'm sorry. " the truth of it is, there is no kai without maeve. she's his twin, his sister, his best friend, his soulmate in sibling form. he wouldn't have made it to twenty-eight without her. wouldn't have survived, or even wanted to. " i'll do better. i promise. " and kai never makes promises, even as a joke. so when he does, it means something. " i'll be a better brother, alright ? just don't give up on me. i don't want to do it without you. "
