isa

i wish i’d done a lot of things

[isasmonologue]

april is green

is echoing through the trees

is creating tunnels of bird ballads

and orchestras of laughter

april is the moment of peace

before a hundred-year drought

is the breeze in your hair and the sun on your skin

she teaches me to breathe

and to hum as i skip across meadows

april is the rain

and we were coaxed into bathing

she washed us clean and hung us on the drying line

she kissed our feet with the softest green

rested her blossoms on our ears

and she whispered a tune

that sounded a lot like relief

april is the month of living

the month of letting go

[lunamonchtuna]

— Paige Parker, Flightless Birds (via lunamonchtuna)

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— fatima aamer bilal; coffin heart? bury me.

[isasmonologue]

the prick of a needle

inserted and retracted within the second

the pull of a tube finding placement

as i clench my jaw

my brain is so morbid

i think it is true

that life will have survived within a blink

and it will surely be over in one

the unknown is harder

will it be only an instant of death

or will it be a lifetime



— i set my own port today, my mortality

haunts me

[isasmonologue]

my brain is on fire

there is a deep heat in my bones

and as the emptied tank of gasoline

sits next to its wicked trail

i whisper to myself,

“it could always be worse”

my ashy bones scrape together

as i climb onto the exam table

i sweat as my body is enveloped by

the flame of a man

who holds my life in his hands

how is it possible that my teeth still chatter

the ignorance is long gone

i watch them stab through my leather skin

and i don’t move a muscle

i feel every second of it

there is something so memorable

about the pop of a foreign object

damming the blood off from its original

destination

my nerves start to buzz

and the life in my bones

is intoxicating enough to keep me

floating through the rest of this torture

old journal entry. october 2024

[isasmonologue]

i knew how it would end

but it was like backing away from a crash

i couldn’t turn away

i knew how it would end

i saw it coming every time i looked into his eyes

the pool of those irises when i told him i loved him

how i would drown forever

he didn’t love me

but i watched as he soared

like a plane in the sky

and i looked down at myself, in shallow breaths

lying in a crimson puddle with a smile on my face

i was happy for him

and that’s it

my heart split wide open

i looked down at myself

as the jet stream faded

from the wound in my chest

and with tears in my eyes

i spent my last breath

choking on bloody gratefulness

that i had even gotten the chance to love him

[isasmonologue]

the kids are not okay

and i think you know that

the kids are choking on the lies you tell

and the blood spitting from their throats

they don’t want to talk it out

they’ve learned to keep their voices down

the girl is smoking cigarettes

and holding her head under water

the kids beg for a great escape

for a unique opportunity

but the boys are dying before

they even get their bags packed

their eyes roll back

letting their bodies shake in hunger

for a substance that’s burned

holes in this bloodline for generations

the girl prays for the blue faced boys

as she drags them under the

cold spray of the shower

in her final act of good faith

and you know that they are not okay

the kids wonder if they’ll always be this lost

if they will be searching in the dark forever

slapping their palms down

in hope of finding their purpose

the boys are giving up on giving a shit

the boys know you love them

but not enough to put away the belt

the one’s back scarred from lashings

when they tell the girl

that they will take the beatings

the girl is old enough now to feel guilty

and the anger is too much

so she punches holes into the walls

and she pauses when the boys hurt you

the girl thinks about letting them

the kids are not okay

and you trained them to suffer in silence

[isasmonologue]

six years ago

i thought i was as deep as depth could go

i was an absent high school student

and a constant at the hospital

whoever said being a teenage girl was the worst

had obviously never been sick too

my life in ruins

my body eating itself alive

i was scratching at the walls of reality

trying to get a grip

and everyone just watched

with sad, accusatory eyes

my face shaded grey

and you could tell i had given up

they didn’t believe me until it was too late

and they were disappointed

when my body came home

and i didn’t come with it

last year

i got sick for the first time as an adult

the doctor told me she was sorry

said i didn’t deserve this

broken and bruised

i hit the bottom so hard, it hit back

it started with the convulsions

my spine crumbling underneath the pressure

suddenly comes the blisters and oozing

and my skin erupts into flames

i am not afraid of hell anymore

my legs sitting stagnant

as i scream for them to just move

my blood weeping too

my mother cries at my bedside

and the nurses comfort her

my father pretends it isn’t real

the vessel is leaking

is calcifying within the wrinkles of my brain

this vessel is sinking

and i fear there is no escape for me

[isasmonologue]

i have been bleeding out

my whole life

knives in the sleeves of my father’s jackets

my mother holds his arm back

she says his hands don’t deserve

to be littered with my gore

her voice echoing in my ears

my breaths heavy

and eyes swollen shut in tears

this body is so tired

i cannot see but only faint figures

but i feel my skin pill and crumble

my bones hollow

and i die by her tongue

the blood pooling at our feet

never learned how to clot

she taught the crimson to be water

i am a sheath-less skeleton

with no closet to hide in

and though the blade never pierces my chest

my father’s silence cuts me to shreds

my kin know how to kill

without getting their hands dirty

i lay in purgatory under the floor boards

screaming through the cracks

and i hear their footsteps

but my pleas fall on deaf ears

i’m tired of stalling

this is what i mean when i say

that the haunting was never mine

that even in death

i am still tormented by my unflinching ability

to be so unloveable

[isasmonologue]

we have hit a wall

and i have given everything i have

i have sacrificed my life for this body

and she hates me

she closes her eyes and holds her breath

she refuses the antidote

i tell her to breathe

i try to save her life

and she bleeds after each injection

she only wants illness

and a stick to hold herself upright

she wants pain

and she is all too confused

her brain stunts any currents

yet all mine thinks of is her

i devote all my days to her fire

and she waters it in an instant

i love her more than the ground i stand on

and she breaks my legs

i don't know how to keep loving her

i know her too well

i know her tricks

and her warmth

and i know there is no escaping her

she is my entire being

and i am her greatest knave

i once read a poem

of self worth

said to cherish your own loyalty

because you are the only one

who cannot and will not leave

i believed it when i read it

but who would she be

if not my own worst enemy

i feel her constant nagging

she relentlessly begs me to let go

my loving words never falter

she will never love me until i am done

and i cannot quit until she does

we have hit a wall

and all she does is lock the doors i build

to go out

[isasmonologue]

i remember

this time last year

with a bitterness on my tongue

i tell you about that day

and what stole the life from my bones

and i’m still looking

all i do is look for that girl

that girl i was before

all i do is remember

[isasmonologue]

i’ve been back home for two months

the therapist asks me how i feel

i say, “fine”

she asks me again

i say, “i’m angry”

i don’t understand why my brain is like this

why my body does this

why i have to scratch and claw

at any sense of relief

i woke up that morning

pushed my legs over the edge of the bed

i stood on unsure feet

my ankles turned over

and my knees buckled

last month, my skin burned red

blisters covered my arms and back

the doctor gave me pills to try

i called out for my dad to help me get up

but he was already gone

every night, i beg something in the sky to fix my mind

the therapist tells me that it doesn’t happen overnight

still, i am on my knees

i dialed my brother but he didn’t answer

so i just laid on the floor and cried

i asked the physical therapist

if he’d seen any improvement

he gave me a sad smile and said

“we’ll get there”

my friend showed up after work

because he’d seen my missed calls

he found me with a dead phone and

a tear soaked shirt under my sleeping head

he shook my shoulder and called my name

i tried to answer and bloody drool

came running off of a swollen tongue

the therapist asks me how i feel

i mumble, “fine”

she asks me again

i mumble, “i’m tired”

[isasmonologue]

i went to san francisco in my dream

and we were there

hand in hand

you told me that you’d take me there someday

the golden gate was always your dream

i went last summer

and i searched for your face all over that city

for three days

all i saw were headless bodies

ones that never resembled you

cold arms

and too careful steps

i want to give it up

i want to forget about you

but i see no end to this longing

to this feeling of hopelessness

to prayers for the mornings

of you lying in my bed again

your nose resting on my jaw

while humming something about

flowers in my hair

the paralyzing press of your lips

before you get up to go

how i close my eyes in denial

maybe you will come back

but i hear my front door close

i pretend you there

in the shower

when i finally

confess my love for you

i pretend you there

saying it back

i pretend you there

and there are tears in my eyes as i brush my teeth

red faced and puffy as i fix my hair

i pretend you there

when i dial your number

and you don’t pick up the phone

send a text that says you are busy

i pretend you there

when i get home

and you don’t answer my callings

of “are you here?”

when i eat the breakfast

you always say is your favorite

and there is enough for two people

when i crawl in bed

and the blanket you drag out everytime

is neatly folded in the corner

i miss you when you’re gone

i miss the smell of your skin

and every other nothing i can’t remember

i miss the squeeze of a hand in the car

and the basket i make

of your arms at the grocery store

i miss you at dinner with my friends

i imagine us at that quaint restaurant

me blushing crimson across the table

i miss you even when you’re here

when you are in my arms

and still miles away

if i pretend well enough

i can see past the promises you refuse to make

the fleeting glances

and the casual brush of hands

if i pretend well enough

i can see through

the keys to my front door

in your pocket

your chin on my shoulder

and the kiss you give me when no one is looking

i could beg you to stay

but i ask where you see yourself in ten years

and you don’t say with me

you say nothing of our life

our family

our friends

you don’t even mention that stupid fucking bridge

and i cannot breathe

i am sick with grief

and this depraved obsession is a disease

this starvation is terminal

so i will just pretend

until i have to accept

you being buried on a different plot

our names listed on different stones

my T.

[isasmonologue]

there is something rotten

inside of me

and if they get too close

they can smell it

that sweetness clouding minds

my cadence luring them in

like a siren

like agony

they can hear the screaming

of my veins

feel the bones

rejecting my skin

taste the hatred for a stomach

that could not contain the death

of every ‘could’ve been’

i should’ve swallowed harder

this body is burning from the inside out

and i would’ve choked down the smoke

billowing from my lungs

if only i had known

they’d been waiting for

something worth taking apart

[isasmonologue]

with his hands tight

around our fathers throat

i was screaming

and i am not sure what for

i am embarrassed to admit

that a small part of me was glad

he could finally feel the fear

he could finally know what it feels like

to be helpless

and i screamed

but i don’t know what for

i used to be scared of my father

now i am only scared of who

he turned my brother into

i fought for him

for my cruel and loving father

and i am ashamed to admit

that i loved him too much

to let my brother hurt him

even if he deserved it

[isasmonologue]

a place that is no more

across the street from my childhood home

faceless phantoms in the windows

a storyless attic

they knocked those bones to the ground

they scraped them from the dirt

they dug up any remainder of a life

and left a hole in the ground

before filling it while i was gone

for a whole summer

i sat at the edge of that crater

and wondered what family had lived there

wondered what their life was like

what they would think right now

seeing their home destroyed

and not even a sliver of wood

to remember it by

i guess what i am trying to say is

i wonder if they still think

of their demolished youth

just like me

[isasmonologue]

i wonder if the sun is angry

endlessly burning at the center of everything

she is fire and i wonder

if fire is hatred to her

if fire is hell

is the blistering

sweltering heat of a caged forever

the silence has ripped me to sheds

so can someone tell me

is the ocean screaming

is she looming in the darkness

is she waiting for a savior

that we know is never coming

is she drowning

is the blue sinking victims

does the blue believe in forgiveness