you once asked me why does a person lie.
I was only 13,
I didn't have an answer. Although it was quite simple, nobody lies for fun unless they really need help. A normal answer would include to save themselves from the consequences. I lied too. What consequences do I had to save myself from? I didn't need protection from anything. I was safe (or was I?), growing up in a place I knew as my home. So tell me father, why was I afraid of the consequences.
Why was I afraid of your presence? of your phone calls? of your questions?
A kid isn't supposed to be scared of their parents.
You're supposed to be my first home, my sanctuary, but I didn't get that.
Tell me father, why did I, your own child, feel incomplete even after having everything?
Why do I have to feel different from the start? Why did I always need to stand out. Is there anything wrong with being normal?
It is not fun begging for your forgiveness just so I could escape this silent treatment. It wasn't fun feeling threatened every time I was around you.
You needn't demand respect, unless you're worthy of it. Why should we do it then?
You wanted me to engage with your hobbies, but did you ever seek interest in mine? Or were you just busy dismissive because that's how parenting works right?
It's upon me to heal the damages you've inflicted on me. And it has not been easy.
For you it's just a mere few words to gain the sympathy of the crowd, but for me, it's the numerous playlists of sad songs, unsolicited trauma dumping, sleepless nights or nightmares for dreams. A child shouldn't be scared of their parent.
"If you can't make them love you, make them fear you." but you didn't give me a chance to love you.
You called me selfish, egoistic. But mother says I am exactly like you. I guess looking into your reflection wasn't that fun. But let me ask you this. Are you happy with who you are? Because you were certainly not happy with me.
you were my role model, and now you're someone I wouldn't wish to become like
