Parks and Rec Starters:
“I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.”
“I made my money the old fashioned way… I got run over by a Lexus.”
“These are the Black Eyed Peas and I finally killed them. It’s a Christmas miracle.”
“Hey, you know who should wear these shoes? Monkeys.”
“As you remember, I’m [NAME], and this is [DIFFERENT NAME], my 65 year old grandmother/grandfather.”
“If I’m murdered tonight, start the investigation with those two.”
“I look like a pregnant baby.”
“I don’t care about that prize. I’m gonna win because I want his/her happiness to go away.”
“I didn’t win, but at least I didn’t make any new friendships.”
“I love Ritalin and have low self-esteem.”
“I will give 110% as soon as you repeat yourself in a way more interesting way.”
“To replace you, I’m going to have to build a scarecrow replica of you and take it to the movies.”
“Everything hurts. Running is impossible.”
“It would suck for a while and I would miss you while you were gone, but as I’ve known about you for the past 20 seconds, this is your dream.”
“Your forehead is all sweaty. That’s gross, but I still like you.”
“It’s roughly the size of a 2 year old if they were liquified in a cup.”
“Punk-ass book jockeys.”
“Good morning, [NAME]. How did you sleep? I adopted 32 dogs and cats. Do you want pancakes?”
“I love games that turn people against each other.”
“I don’t want to do things. I want to not do things.”
“We have to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, and work, or waffles, friends and work. But work has to come third.”
“I seriously can’t emphasize how little we’ve thought about this.”
“Is that a pig?”
“Did you grow up in the woods?”
“That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”
“Sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot.”
“I didn’t recognize us without me because I’m the only one that matters.”
“I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.”
“Oh my god, I wonder who else was born in Eagleton… Voldemort, probably.”
“Did you put glitter in the laundry detergent?”
“A vegan is gonna physically attack me?”
“One whip cream bottle is for baking. The other is for directly in the mouth.”
“Either way, it was her/his fault because s/he was stupid and boring and I hated her/him.”
“You- you wash your clothes in bubble bath?”
“[NAME], you’re a softie, but on the inside, you’re a straight up boss.”
“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
“Bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.”
“I feel like you were mad at me yesterday and I didn’t know why, so I made a list of everything I did and I’m gonna try not to do any of them ever again.”
“I am usually not one for speeches, so goodbye.”
“I’m curious, when will you be bringing out the lasers for me to play with?”
“There’s been a mistake. I’ve been given the food that my food eats.”
“I thought about this a lot. I actually think that you should get a Hello Kitty tattoo.”
“I’m going to win you a million teddy bears.”
“I got my ankle microwaved.”
“This monitor is not a toy, [NAME].”
“I’m not crying! I’m allergic to jerks!”
“I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same.”
“I wanted to make fun of stupid people while I get drunk. My two true passions.”
“Being a responsible adult sucks butts.”
“I’m going to murder you a thousand times.”
“I dig your groovy tunes, man.”
“Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?”
“You’re nice…. I can see why s/he likes you.”
“When I get bummed out, I take my shirt off because the bad feelings make me sweaty.”
“If I had to have a stripper name, it would be Equality.”
“Everything hurts, and I’m dying.”
“I would like a glass of red wine, and I’ll take the cheapest one because I can’t tell the difference.”
“Oh, I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless, nothing matters, and I’m always tired.”
“I had to fight a squirrel.”
“When they say 2% milk, I don’t know what the other 98% is.”
“I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and broke everything.”
“I made you five bologna sandwiches- and yes, I used cookies instead of bread.”
“[NAME], I typed your symptoms into the thing here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.”
“There’s one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk.”
“Hopefully, that will help you with any problems that arise around your….. boob hats.”
“Whenever [NAME] asks me the Latin names of plants, I just give her/him the names of rappers.”
“I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.”
“I AM SUPER CHILL ALL THE TIME!”
