I’m Gonna Be Your Byzantine Bitch

Constantinople might have fallen to the Ottomans but this ass sure hasn’t. Professional homosexual.

[xiyouji]

what do you mean “what’s wrong with him”? he’s mentally ill. he’s catholic. he’s even gay

[toastbutteregg]

[skovenshemmeligheder]

mom: who took all my coping juice

14 year old daughter:

[frenzyarts]

I’m a magician in the sheets 😏 *pulls a rabbit out of my pussy*

[give-grian-rights]

-Mary Toft, 1726

[the-dumb-smart-friend]

Hold on I need to look something up

[the-dumb-smart-friend]

What

[give-grian-rights]

yeah. sorry

[valleydean]

Every actor should be this loud about their characters' homoerotic relationships with other men. Rip to the only real ally.

[boasamishipper]

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

friends, if I can give you one piece of advice for those of you who are new to work, or are about to enter the workforce, especially if you have any sort of office job:

Do not work on your days off.

"But--"

DO NOT WORK ON YOUR DAYS OFF.

[theprofessional-amateur]

Do not work on your breaks

Do not “answer a few emails” on your vacation

Do not work off the clock

Doing this doesn’t reward you with more money or whatever. It rewards you with more work.

[cryptotheism]

Pisses me off how good Shakespeare actually is. Like yeah he's actually that good. People hype him up like he's the best English writer ever, and yeah he's actually an S+ tier writer.

[cryptotheism]

Insane that he did all that while naming his characters shit like Count Evilcount and Peter Penissex.

[transhumanisticpanspermia]

it remains insane that he wrote a love sonnet hinges on the idea "you will live forever because this sonnet, specifically, will be remembered for all time" and that sonnet, specifically, became so famous that it serves as a synecdoche for the very concept of poetry. world historic called shot.

[sneepsnorp3d]

major traffic incident

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

[prokopetz]

I feel like 90% of "ancient curses" are probably adequately explained by the fact that the self-proclaimed adventurers who ostensibly fell victim to them were, as a class, a bunch of dipshits who engaged in frequent international travel in an era before antibiotics and vaccines. Like, the list of novel pathogens these guys were risking exposure to on a regular basis was effectively "all of them". That's gotta leave a mark.

[prokopetz]

@mytheralmin replied:

The other 10%, well let’s just say the sand got them

Quite likely, if by "the sand got them" we mean "they got mesothelioma from inhaling tomb dust".

[siegesquirrel42]

if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with the pharaoh's curse

[slygirlboy]

hey we wanna re-think this at all or

[mousidy]

the author's barely disguised hobbies and interests

[mousidy]

[notajerusalemcricketd-deactivat]

my beautiful infant son Untitled Document

[twelvemonkeyswere]

not even JRR Tolkien, who famously developed the concept of the Secondary World and firmly believed that no trace of the Real World should be evoked in the fictional world, was able to remove potatoes from his literature. this is a man who developed whole languages and mythologies for his literary world, who justified its existence in English as a translation* simply because he was so miffed he couldn't get away with making the story fully alien to the real world. and not even he, in extremis, was so cruel as to deny his characters the heavenly potato. could not even conceive a universe devoid of the potato. such is its impact. everyone please take a moment to say thank you to South Americans for developing and cultivating one of earth's finest vegetables. the potato IS all that. literally world-changing food. bless.

[pomegranate-flower]

[aveloka-draws]

Couldn't stop thinking about that tweet, I love the idea of a god promoting his faith.

[gallusrostromegalus]

Look if he's getting Wi-fi or Reception out there in the ass-end of nowhere, that's a straight-up miracle. I'm sold.

[leebrontide]

Today I couldn’t remember the word “insubordination” so I told my mom my old supervisor accused me of “mutiny but not on a boat”.

[sirfrogsworth]

Hey, here is some new frustrating discourse.

I'm going to clear this up super duper quick.

And then we can move on and discuss more important things.

Okay?

Here goes...

Nicolas Cage is an incredible actor who is very bad with money so he has to act in terrible movies because otherwise they will repossess his dinosaur skull collection.

But even when he is in terrible movies with terrible writing he refuses to phone in his performances. And sometimes when you are acting your ass off while saying some of the dumbest dialogue ever conceived it can give the appearance the acting is the issue rather than the writing and story.

Hayden Christensen knows that feeling all too well.

So next time you see Nic Cage in a B movie acting a fool, just know he probably bought some new shrunken heads and forgot to pay the mortgage on his volcano island.

[yesterdaysprint]

The Daily Times, New Philadelphia, Ohio, July 9, 1924

[thank-you-everyone-deactivated2]

whoever wrote this paper has the funniest phrasing possible

[the-wave-finally-broke]

happy turtle bit off a cop’s toe in the hudson river day for those who celebrate