This month has brought some epic highs and some real kick in the teeth lows. I've been debating for a while on the direction to go with in this post, it's still undecided. I'm sorry if this one gets a little darker than usual but sometimes it's not all rainbows and unicorns. However, there is a new stuffed unicorn in my life, they joined me in the grocery store on Valentine's day. I bought them because alone turned into lonely that day and I needed a little giggle. If you haven't walked through a store with a giant unicorn smiling back at you from the cart seat, you should. It's stupid and fun and the best time I've had buying salad and bread flour ever. They were originally going to be a gift for a close friend, they're still in my kitchen, we might just keep hanging out together for a while, unicorns have a way of becoming a good friend too.
I know part of what's been going on in my head is a change in my HRT, I'm taking 2mg less estrogen and on a different anti-androgen. Maybe my body and brain chemistry will adjust in time, it's been tough to adapt though. I miss the blissful enjoyment of everything that was going on before. The appreciation of positive events is still there, the love is still there it just seems like there was more glitter, more sparkle. I know the glitter and sparkle are still there and the beauty is still there, the volume has just been turned down a bit. I'll talk to the doc, my liver is less important than being ridiculously happy.
The weather could be another mood crusher for me this past month. Last time I was cold, then the snow showed up, yay... Nebraska... yay. At first it was fun being a Jilldozer clearing the driveway, that fun went away when I ran out of room to shovel anything, we set a new record for snow... yay. Thankfully I have sympathetic neighbors with a snow blower who helped me for the last one, very appreciative for that. Next year I'm getting a snow blower so I can be a fully automated Jilldozer.
Some other not so great stuff happened too, curled up under blankets bawling my eyes out kind of stuff. I'm not going into detail, I experienced it, you shouldn't have to as well. But somehow all of that negative became more of an inspiration for me to keep pushing through. It was a direction that was a little unexpected at the time, it was one realization that I'm not going to let negative events or negative situations prevent me from living my authentic life. I'm doing me, the actions, words or phobias of others aren't going to stop that, not anymore. This is the real me, it always was, it always will be, I always will be.
Know that you are strong enough to get through anything even when you think you can't. You can, you have to.
turnnoffyourmind
titsay
stormborns
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
vaporwave
discoholicmusic
areudirty
gummygunk
