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why are non-offensive moves even an option in pokemon?? im here to kick ass. have fun wasting a turn with your swords dance mirror shield whatever the fuck while i beat the shit out of you. hope you can still enjoy that raised sp attack stat in poke-hell

drinkingisgoodforyou

What’s that? You’ve used Taunt on me so I can only use offensive moves? Jokes on you, fool! I only have offensive moves!

enoughtohold

thanks duolingo but i know that one

pansoph

for chinese new year they get all these famous actors and comedians together and they do a lil show and one of the comedians was like “i was in a hotel in america once and there was a mouse in my room so i called reception except i forgot the english word for mouse so instead i said ‘you know tom and jerry? jerry is here’

beefmilkthings

jerry is here

eruriholic

my chinese teacher once shared this story in class about someone who went to the grocery to buy chicken, but they forgot the english word for it, so they grabbed an egg, went to the nearest sales lady and said “where’s the mother”

iamlittleamz

This is gold haha. Where’s the mother?

lilttlekingtrashmouth

Myself @ me: you need to wake up earlier so you don’t waste the day Me @ myself: sorry I was sleeping and just saw this lol wyd

killowave

writersshock-deactivated

I’m writing my novel in fifth person, so every sentence starts with “I heard from this guy who told somebody...”

autumngracy

hotvampireadjacent

fuckyeahtonystark

It’s nanotech, you like it?

roaringstream

While watching this gif, I noticed that his glasses disappear from his hand, which means they’re also made of nanotech. But like if it’s nanotech then it could’ve just been absorbed while the helmet was forming on his face, which means that Tony was just That Dramatic Motherfucker that just couldn’t resist taking off the glasses like a badass for his suit reveal

luciende

I never noticed this hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

potatolikesmarvel

Production: so the glasses will be absorbed by the helmet and–

RDJ: i wanna take them off

Production: oh, but it’s nanotech you don’t need to–

RDJ: let me freaking nanotake them off

Production: *sighs*

kougie

youre a mean one

mister

herspanic

joshpeck

who is she

kirkaut

cherenkovs

this is so fucking funny to me (credit @havocs)

jakemorph

i think having a spiderman costume as a kid is a universal experience and THAT is toby ma fucking guire’s influence

jakemorph

“toby maguire spiderman movies sucked” theyre not for YOU!! theyre for ME AGED APPROXIMATELY 8

mixedican-deactivated20190330

45 year old dum fuck: the story is just lacking in emotional denisty bskfksik bajl lakgl isls

6 year old me see spierman do flip:

littlegraycats

there’s this church sign i pass every day that says “hurt people hurt people” and i know it’s supposed to mean like “people who are hurt, hurt people” but it sounds like a command

littlegraycats

HURT PEOPLE

glumshoe

I like haunted houses in theory BUT I have no idea how to react when the actors speak to you. They ask me a question and I just… answer it…

The scariest part of a haunted house is the unscripted social interaction.

glumshoe

Scary nurse in a creepy voice: “Do you have an appointment to see the doctor?”

Me: “Uh. Do you accept walk-ins?”

glumshoe

Scary farmer: “I like to kill people!”

My friend, brightly: “I like to die!”

puerto-nic0

Zombie : “AARRRGH”

Me : “Do you get dental insurance?”

Zombie : “TEETH!!”

schmergo

This happened to me.

Scary prison dude: HELLO

Me: Nice to meet you!

Him: (pause) No it’s noooooot

batsalmighty

My worst horror house experience was when I couldn’t find the (rather obvious) exit and the guy chasing me with a chainsaw stopped, sighed and pointed me to the exit, saying “please scream as loud as you can when you run out there” and just left. I disappointed the horror house chainsaw dude and I will never get over that

tired-wolfe

Guy: They are all my friends.. (motioning to hanging corpses; then grabs a noose) Will you be my friend? Me: Sure totally, you made me a friendship necklace? Oh my god your so sweet? Guy: … Yes.. Please, let me.. I cant I cant just go (laughing). – Got to walk a second time through– Same guy: My friends -wailing- Me: I came back I just really wanted to be friends so bad Guy: (laughing more) Please, Im not allowed to laugh.

hoardofhyperfixations

I went to a Haunted House and literally befriended every actor there.

Specifically, I remember;

There were zombies walking around in the waiting room. I said “Hi!” and he gave me a high five. Every time he passed from then on, I got a high five.

Near the end, there were these twin little girls. “Come play with us.” They said. “Okay!” I said. “Forever.” They said. “Oh, sorry, can’t do that. I’m busy.”

I could hear them giggling.