TheCoffeeCorner

Black coffee under a thin layer of skin, variety streamer and 30 y/o tumblr goblin

[justalphonse]

TIME FOR A SERIOUS TALK

Yesterday I was having the shittiest day, I've been working since October 25th without days off, the week has been full of shitty ungrateful clients and out of left field shit and to make it worse not only I work on Halloween but also the pumpkins we were going to carve were mushy and not carveable anymore. The day at work wasn't much better on Halloween, if anything the worst in this week so far so I was fully ready to get home, make a Halloween pizza and go to bed because saying that my battery has been running on fumes for a while is putting it lightly

BUT MY WIFE HAD OTHER PLANS

Not only she found a PDF of the Control Artbook that I've been looking for forever, she also spent the whole Halloween day PRINTING THE 400+ PAGE BOOK SO I WOULD HAVE IT PHYSICALLY.

AND I SHIT YOU NOT SHE ALSO DRESSED AS MY CRUSH AND HUSBAND CASPER DARLING, DOCTOR BABYGIRL HIMSELF, WIFE AND HUSBAND, BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

So she singlehandedly and without letting me even suspect it turned the shittiest Halloween I had in a while into

MY FAVOURITE HALLOWEEN EVER

And I wanted to share it here because I feel that the tumblr peeps would appreciate this. Everyone go tell @ neaya how great she is pls.

[justalphonse]

I guess I should take advantage of Control Resonant to remind you how cool my wife is.

[justalphonse]

HEY, REMEMBER MY WIFE WHO'S SUPER COOL?

She just decided to turn another shitty day into something amazing and made something that I can only describe as

Unique

SHE MADE ME A HANDMADE REMEDY COLLECTOR'S EDITION.

She fucking printed all the FBC Reports, scattered some at home and went to a printshop to print posters because she couldn't do it herself.

SHE PAINTED ME AN OH DEER DINER THERMOS!!!

[tastylemonbread]

[the-frightening-ghoul]

‎

[dogboymutual]

oh you wanted T as in testosterone. i thought you meant T as in T-virus resident evil. well the good news is that you're still gonna transform at least

[targetedknowledge]

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. I’ve received complaints from anonymous employees that our support of the “homosexual lifestyle” is “degenerate” and “irresponsible”. It really got me thinking and I think I found a solution. So good news! We now have 23 vacated positions reserved for members of the LGBT community. Additional good news, we began a new testing initiative on evolutionary degenration with 23 test subjects all ready to go.“

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. If you’re experiencing a time loop in which you’re repeating the month of June over and over, that’s totally intentional. We at Aperture Science felt that pride month was not long enough and so we created this loop to let employees experience as much pride as they feel like. To get out of this loop, simply use the pod labeled “Time Machine” in Shaft 6 and then either kill or save the baby on the other end depending on when in the loop you’re on. Don’t worry about the baby’s identity, he grows up to be an asshole.“

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here, happy to announce that our Rainbow Gel project was a massive success. We have developed distinct gels in every color of the rainbow pride flag. In fact, it was too much of a success, so we’ll be updating our pride flag accordingly to include 75 new colors corresponding to all of our new gels. Word of advice, though, don’t stare at the flag for too long, most of these colors haven’t been tested on human eyes yet.”

[charlesoberonn]

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here, Cave Johnson queer. Get used to it.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. Caroline just informed me that I am her “beard”. I checked, and I fail to see how I could possibly have grown out of her face. If anybody knows anything about human-to-facial hair transmogrification, please report to my office.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. Friendly reminder that Aperture employees living prior to the legalization of gay marriage are invited to use our Aperture Science Temporal Matrimony Pod in order to travel to the future with your same-sex partner and get married there. Employees from the future who wish to return to a time before gay people being able to marry are also welcome to use the pod and we’ll make sure to send you to an era well before gay marriage. I’m thinking maybe Late Cretacesous.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. I’m proud to announce that our plan to hire only female test subjects to prevent them from flirting with our female scientists has been a resounding failure.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. I’m afraid we’ll have to temporarily pause all experimentation with the Gender Affirmation Beam. The testing itself is going great, the beam is working. But we’re starting to run out of thigh high socks and khaki shorts.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johson here. Shafts 10 through 14 are currently under lockdown due to a meltdown in the Neopronoun Syntheizer. The transphobes up in DC might call that ‘a disaster in the making’ but I call it a win for diversity! That being said most of these pronouns are radioactive so do watch out.”

[charlesoberonn]

Cave Johnson here. If you feel a sudden sense of elation and contentness when putting on your new Aperture Science unisex uniform, that is not Gender Euphoria! That’s a hallucinogenic fungus taking over your brain. Take the uniform off immediately and throw it in the nearest incinerator.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. I won’t tolerate any misgendering of the interdimensional invaders swarming the facility! Their pronouns are they/them and we’re ought to respect that. We’re also ought to shoot them on sight since they’re extremely hostile and bent on enslaving our planet.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. To all of my suitors and secret admirers: Thank you, honestly I’m flattered. Unfortunately for you, I don’t swing that way. Or any way. I only swing where the wrecking ball of science takes me. Usually into a brick wall.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. I’ve been thinking. We have gay pride, and we have gender envy. What other deadly sins can we incorporate? Maybe bisexual sloth? Lesbian wrath? I’ll talk to the lab boys about it.”

“Cave Johnson here. Update: The Lesbian Wrath project is postponed indefinitely. My condolences to the families of the deceased. Though let’s be honest, they probably had it coming.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. For the last time! “I’m reclaiming the slur” is not a valid excuse to shout out loud the killer androids’ activation codes! We picked that word for a reason.“

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. I’d like to apologize to Floor 194 Safety Supervisor Doug Blakely for firing him after allegations that he was forcing employees back in the closet. I was not aware that said closet was a literal storage closet for zombified Aperture employees. To make it up to Doug, he’ll be allowed to feed Floor 194 HR Manager Lisa Briant to the closet zombies if he so chooses.”

[charlesoberonn]

”Cave Johnson here. A reminder that next year Transgender Day of Visibility falls on Extradimensional Day of Visibility. The lab boys are cautioning me to caution you to be prepared. Do not confuse transgender and transdimensional! Big mistake.“

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. To all cishet Aperture employees who volunteered for the ‘Get More Woke’ program, please report to your department’s OR at the nearest convenience to get the alarm clocks surgically removed from your spinal cord. Aperture Science apologizes for the misunderstanding.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. Dr. Barnaby from Cyborg Engineering is an attack helicopter. That’s not a transphobic joke, by the way, they literally transformed themselves into an amalgam of human and helicopter. Impressive. Unauthorized, of course, but still impressive. Anyway, we lost track of them, so everyone watch the sky for a mad scientist with blue rotors and machine guns.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. To the joker who added ‘make the sun gay’ to our quarterly agenda, I hope you’re pleased with yourself. The Astrophysics Department is tearing itself apart with half of them shouting that you can’t make the sun gay and the other half screaming that the sun is already gay. Either way, we’re not doing it.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. The congressional delegation of Senator Patrick Johnson (no relation) to inspect our facilities had to be cut short due to a mishap with the Gender Affirmation Beam. I’d like to apologize on behalf of Aperture Science to Senator Johnson and her staff.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. Just the other day, our sign guy asked me ‘Cave, don’t you think LGBTQIA2S+ is a tad too long?’ and I told him ‘First of all, that’s Mr. Johnson to you! And secondly, I actually think it’s not long enough!’ and that’s why I’m adding an ’&’ to the acronym. Don’t know what it stands for yet, but I’ll figure it out.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. You already know that here in Aperture Science we’re all about gender affirming care. We’ve been at the forefront of hormone replacement therapy since before we knew what these hormones do. You also know that here in Aperture Science we’re all about not getting sued. So everyone be quiet about our role in the Estrogen Cola disaster.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. So far, we received 832 submissions to our Homophobia Remover design competition. Unfortunately, 829 had to be disqualified for being a schematic of a gun. Objectively hilarious, but not what we’re looking for. Wait, the lab boys just got another submission: and… it’s another gun. Keep at it, folks.”

[charlesoberonn]

“Cave Johnson here. Using a set of genetically identical triplets and a molecular combinizer, we just proved scientifically that being bisexual isn’t the same as being half-straight and half-gay. Now we just need to figure out how to separate Craigstopher back into his component brothers.”

[fasterfood]

[burntundertones]

[dear-ao3]

hold on a fucking second. delaware is a state?? i thought it was a river? or is the river more important than the state? why don't i know this? (i should mention i don't like in america, i'm just confused)

there is delaware (state) and delaware (river) 

both are equally strange

the state is a tiny little cryptid thing

the rive is a monster that spans new york, pennsylvania, new jersey and delaware. also washington crossed it once and that was like kinda a big deal i guess. like crossing the rubicon in rome.

the state tries to me more important with its “im the first state!!!” bs (seriously its even on the fucking license plates) but we all know. its the river.

[dear-ao3]

THATS TUPPERWARE

[sobutmermaids]

i thought delaware was a place in ohio? why are there so many things named delaware?

[dear-ao3]

delaware is too powerful

[uncertaininnit]

what the fuck

[dear-ao3]

[skaktusposts]

Wait what? I thought Delaware was a store with building supplies. Like paint, wood, nails and stuff?

[dear-ao3]

THATS HOME DEPOT ???

[skaktusposts]

I know home depot, but dude I don't know anything about America mad have never been there. Are you sure there is not a some sort of store called something close to Delaware!?!

[dear-ao3]

.....ace hardware....?

[uncertaininnit]

this post has only been around for a few hours but could very well be a world heritage post

[dear-ao3]

but at what cost

[publiusmaximum]

This post launched at 8am PST on 12 Feb 2021. The above conversation has happened in 3 hours.

[dear-ao3]

[uncertaininnit]

he WHAT? i thought he was from. w. wait. ???

[dear-ao3]

delaware stole the presidents shoelaces for clout and became too powerful

[likethehorrormovie]

From the UK- and what do you mean Delaware isn't a type of ceramic?

[dear-ao3]

it is now

[swifty-the-rake-deadblog]

@hellsite-hall-of-fame is it too early?

[kkshowtunes]

Isn’t delaware what they make computers on???

[dear-ao3]

software ??

[you-say-that-so-often]

I think they meant Dell Ware, a specific computer type. We had a Dell computer once.

I thought Delaware was that famous singer they spoofed in Zootopia.

[dear-ao3]

gazelle??

[king-finnigan]

oh i thought delaware was that one british singer lady, you know, the one from chasing pavements

[dear-ao3]

that's fucking adele

[metamelonisle]

isn’t delaware that place you go when you die

[shirtshawaiian]

youre thinking of superhell and all of you are going there

[totalrosalia]

how the fuck did any of you come to the conclusions you all made

[dear-ao3]

we live in america?

[vigilantsycamore]

I thought Delaware was that food delivery service that keeps interrupting youtube videos with their ads when I'm trying to have a good time

[abnormalmind777]

..... are you talking about Doordash???

[destiel-is-canon-what]

Isn't Delawere the name of that one girl in the song that goes "Hey there, Delawere"? She's from NYC or something.

[dear-ao3]

THATS HEY THERE DELILAH

[katherynefromphilly]

Pausing here to point out that op is “dear-AO3″ and now I’m wondering if Delaware fanfic would be categorized as RSF (real state fic) or AU (alternate unitedstates)

[dear-ao3]

stop i do not want to think about this 

[joyflameball]

Isn’t Delaware that SPN ship that exploded the internet

[dear-ao3]

[forensicrodentfool]

Everyone on this post:

[sith-shenanigans]

I love that the “no, that’s [x]” meme is making a comeback here and only here and nobody has any idea what’s going on

[jmercedesd]

Keep up the good work, we can make poor OP have a melt down yet. 

[dear-ao3]

[callme-corpse-septiceye]

Isn't delaware that one brand of pizza that's like "it's not delivery, it's delaware."

[dear-ao3]

[paulblartinum]

isn't delaware the god of the sea

[dear-ao3]

[robbietherat]

Isn't Delaware the name of that guy who painted the Mona Lisa?

[dear-ao3]

[lordechostan]

delaware is that one evil cyborg guy that has a son named Luke and a red laser sword

[kiwikipedia]

Thats Darth Vader. Im pretty sure Delaware is that other red-laser sword guy. You know. The one that stabbed Qui-Gon.

[dear-ao3]

what have i created

[hellsite-hall-of-fame]

I usually only reblog older posts, but this definitely deserves to be in every tumblr hall of fame

[dear-ao3]

this post has only existed for 8 days. 

[gallusrostromegalus]

This is fantastic because it goes great with my theory that Delaware only exists for tax purposes. Like, all the states really only exists for Tax Purposes, but Delaware is particularly fake because back in 2012 I got lost in the Alleged Delaware Area looking trying to get to a family reunion, but every time I pulled over for directions, I would ask what the hell state I was in now, and I went through Mayland, Pennsylvania, New Jersey AND Virginia and I never fucking found Delaware but I did eventually find the Family Reunion and earned the repsepct of my then-prospective- Great-Grandmother-In-Law by saving her favorite grandchildren from a furious oceangoing horse so I’m convinced that not only is the state a purely legal construct, they didn’t even dedicate any landmass to it, or it’s a gov’t blackzone where the carnivorous horses live.

[worldheritagepostorganization]

World Heritage Post

[dear-ao3]

fun fact, i actually drove through delaware on this posts 6 month birthday. i hate it here.

[glitchysquidd-deactivated202408]

This post literally fills me with life,tysm.

[lost-ones-melody]

This post confused the heck out of me, I don't even know what's going on in this post, why the hell am I rebloging it?

[deadpansal]

I would try to explain this to the OP, but they're already Well Aware

[bashcrandicoot]

Been playing a lot of two games in particular

[academic-vampire]

𝔯𝔦𝔠𝔥 𝔟𝔯𝔢𝔴

[hometoursandotherstuff]

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwydx34kzlvo

[runcibility]

"Vanderhorst had been under the influence of MDMA and three litres of vodka she had consumed on the night of the offence last September, her lawyer Michael Hill told the court."

three. liters.

[anais-ninja-bitch]

i support women's wrongs

[homoqueerjewhobbit]

[innerchildabortionclinic]

oh fuckkkk man not the SERIAL UNALIVER

[feluka]

@narutobrainrotstuff @rainofthestarlight

EID MUBARAK BELOVEDS!

[telomeke]

[ID–

Cute photo of a calf and a kitty nuzzling nose-to-nose in a grassy meadow. The calf is laying on the grass with its limbs tucked beneath its body and its nose near the ground. The kitty has its eyes closed and nuzzles its nose right up against the calf's.

A speech bubble overlaid above the calf has it saying "Eid Moobarak", while a speech bubble overlaid above the kitty has it saying "Eid Mewbarak", turning the photo into a cute greeting card for Eid.

End ID.]

‌

[evilvampire]

“I asked ChatGPT—“ well, I asked Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and she said I’ve spoken out of turn and will get no cakes today.

[butch-witches-deactivated202412]

what doesnt kill you is still valuable data points for a graph im working on titled "how to kill you"

[rosie-dear-rosie]

[p-u-s-s-y-i-s-a-r-t-i-i]

[justalphonse]

The REMEDY collection keeps growing