I know that when I talk about the harassment I receive, many of you want to share it to raise awareness. I truly appreciate that your intentions come from a place of wanting to help me.
But I suffer from PTSD. While my other disorders also affect me, a large part of my disability comes from the severe trauma I've experienced.
Lately I've been having episodes like that again, even though I'm in therapy and taking my medication. I can't sleep. I'm constantly anxious, tense, and on high alert all day, even when nothing is happening. People can barely touch me without making me uncomfortable.
This morning I had a medical appointment for my ear. I've never really talked about it publicly, but I've been partially deaf all week and have been on medication while waiting for today's procedure.
I'm doing really badly. I've gone a long time without proper sleep because of panic attacks. I also experience nervous tics, and I can have seizure episodes during severe crises.
I've ended up putting my TikTok account on private and changing my Tumblr settings so strangers can't message me. Unfortunately, there's only so much I can do.
All I want is to be left in peace.
I just want to share my drawings and move on with my life. I don't even understand why people check my accounts every day. I receive nasty comments, and sometimes people pretend to be my friends only for me to later find out they have connections to my harassers.
I don't even consider myself particularly well known in the fandom. I only had around 1,800 followers on TikTok and about 200 here. I know there are creators with much larger audiences.
And yet I receive hate every single day.
When I speak up about someone stealing art or harassing me, it's because nobody else does. Previously I pointed out that one of my stalkers had stolen a video from another fan. They're doing these things openly, but nobody seems to care.
Is it really wrong to warn people that someone might steal from them?
They've made me so paranoid that I've watched people copy my own sona and even things as ridiculous as using the same emojis in their username.
When I joined this fandom, I never wanted any of this.
I never asked for this unhealthy obsession. I don't want this "attention." I don't want any of it.
Last night I didn't post or do anything remotely "controversial." To some people, defending myself from their abuse is apparently controversial. And yet I still received hate.
I don't know what they think I am.
As if there isn't an actual person behind the screen.
I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed.
The only thing I can think of right now is keeping my accounts private and posting this because I genuinely ask people not to help create more drama around the situation.
I know some of you support me, and I know it's frustrating and upsetting to watch this happen. But the drama only puts more attention on me and increases my anxiety.
I'm nauseous and sleep deprived because I know that at any moment they'll find another reason to bother me.
At this point it's obvious there isn't even a real reason anymore. They invent reasons, make things up, and use nonsense excuses to justify threatening me.
Last night I was mocked over a drawing that was objectively fine. That's when you realize it isn't about the drawing at all. It's about me.
I don't even want an answer anymore.
It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has to.
But if my existence bothers you that much, why are you so focused on me? Why keep watching everything I do? Why approach me? Why pretend to be my friend or supporter?
One of the things that hurts the most is when people tell me, "I admire you because you keep doing what you love despite all the hate."
Because the truth is that I shouldn't be receiving this hate in the first place.
And you shouldn't know me only because of the harassment I've suffered.
