The Middlest Nowhere

Just my little faggotry corner!

[kiraqueendom]

Kira, the most disappointing boy in town.

Catchphrase: “Yes I would like a hug, shut up no one asked.”

Intro: “I’m queer, I’m here, if you look at me even slightly wrong I’m gonna cry and disappear.”

About me:

Loves: Snowboarding, cuddling, reading, art, board games, coffee, cute boys, flowers, the rain, thunderstorms, musicals, warmth when it’s cold outside, DND, Blades In the Dark, the McElroy brothers, IDKHBTFM, Des Rocs, Good Kid, Nodaway, Autoheart, Animal sun, and Attica Riots.

Hates: dust, being dirty, germs, warm weather, sweet things, wasting my time, uncomfortable blankets, sticky or gritty textures.

Personality: I’m pretty high strung, but I love meeting new people. I’m gay, I adore music, and I can be really suspicious or shy at first. I have the personality of pissed of cat sitting in the rain because it’s too stubborn to come inside willingly, but would gladly collapse if someone picked it up and set in on their lap. For posterity, I’m over 18, and a creative writing major.

Interests: I love creative writing and story structure, math, art, science, talking about deep shit, nature, anime/manga, video games, and anything remotely romantic. 📸 🎥

Ask me or message me anything! I don’t get out a lot irl, and I love trying to connect! ❤️ ♥️ 💜

[kiraqueendom]

HAPPY PRIDE BITCHES!!

♥️🧡💛💚💙💜

GO KISS SOMETHING GAY!!! 🧑‍❤️‍🧑🧑‍❤️‍💋‍🧑

[kiraqueendom]

I have so many fantasies. Thousands upon thousands of little romantic stories I tell around myself. It feels like if I stitch enough fragments together and create a patchwork of imagination and borrowed memories, I can make something close to love.

But it’s just a facsimile. Can I be faulted for making an internal world of my own when the real world I experience has left me wanting? Is it such a terrible thing to prefer my stories and thoughts because I know they will not hurt me, and they will hold me throughout?

Am I a visionary? Am I a coward?

Not once does it cross my mind that I am simply “hurting”. Because when things hurt, people care for them. Ergo, something that doesn’t receive care isn’t hurt. I know that line of thinking is faulted, but it is what I feel.

Shame that in all my writings and musings and stories and games… never once do I allow myself to consider one of them coming to life. Actually living in love rather than substituting it for myself.

But I dream, and I write.

And it is never enough.

[kiraqueendom]

I’m not a fan of how my social life can be obliterated by one single “no”. It’s no secret that I don’t have friends. At least not the kind I can call to ask to hang out. Maybe once in a blue moon, when I can swallow my pride and ask for connection in the only way I know how (usually buying them food or a movie because I have the suspicion they won’t come if all there is to enjoy is “just me”) and nine times out of ten… the answer is just “no”.

Am I crazy? How can you be so secure in your social sphere that you can just refuse attention like that? If someone tells me they don’t want to be around me right then… then there goes my day. I usually don’t have a backup or another person to call. Human interaction for me is all or nothing…

And I’d drop everything for someone who wanted me around. I’ve done it before. People ask for me, and I’m there. And the moment I ask for them…

The answer is just “no”.

And it’s not like I ask for much.

[kiraqueendom]

The more and more I think on it, the more and more I am convinced that love is simply not easy. Media and fantasies portray it as something that just clicks. Unearned and unrelenting, it’s freely given and gotten. Who knows, maybe it actually is like that with straight relationship.

But with two men… it’s not an easy thing. Vulnerability is already hard, and male pride is a thing. Masculinity, hardness, dominance. All things men hold dear, but are diametrically opposed to a mutual relationship. And when both parties are men? That love seems like it’s going to hurt more than heal. There’s no openness. Affection doesn’t come free, because both men fear the other.

I love men just as much as I fear them… and if I had a choice, I would choose to only have to deal with one. Fear without love, or love without fear.

How I wish my body and soul didn’t crave the very thing that seeks to damage it.

[kiraqueendom]

First time with chalk pastels!!

[kiraqueendom]

In the same dnd art vein, here’s my entire deck of many things (With a few added cards of my own)

[kiraqueendom]

Finished a new piece of mine. Based around my Circle of Stars Druid!

[kiraqueendom]

I am fundamentally disgusted by the idea of having a body. Not in a dysphoric or dysmorphic way. But in the way that no body at all could satisfy me.

In my mind are universes upon universes. Stories and art and potential. To be able to grasp at a creative infinity and only be limited to expressing it through flesh into ink or paint is… frustrating.

I have the capacity to write stars into existence, to make empires blossom and turn the wheel of time to my liking. To paint an endless universe of my own design into existence, and then crush it all to stardust and start over again. And yet. I am confined to my body. To physics and laws and boundaries and time. My creative potential can never be reached, because my body is designed to keep me from it.

Mitochondria powered, ATP chain, glycogen manufacturing muscle and bone incapable of creating anything that matters before it fails me and decays.

I feel as though I am living in a coffin.

[kiraqueendom]

Sometimes I wonder what it actually means to love. Is it biology? Is it souls? Is it instant? Is it developed?

To be honest, I don’t know if it’s a thing. It’s a category. This emotion we call love. Some fit into it and some don’t. It’s a construct that we have no base for other than “it happens”.

Are we so wired for pleasure seeking that we build ourselves cages of definition to better extract pleasure from the people we “love”? Or is it the art of caging ourselves to pour pleasure into someone else.

Ideally, it’s both. But why put so much value on it? How does loving and being loved make a person smile, when all it truly does is box you in by definition even more?

Is it more authentic to say “I love you”… or to just… be. With them. No definition. Existing in a nebulous space that both is and isnt yours, because you exist within it, and yet.

It doesn’t exist at all.

[purrhibition]

Comm for @kiraqueendom

⋆˙⟡ Support me on Patreon for unwatermarked artwork and extras ⋆

[kiraqueendom]

Love it so much! Incredibly work! 10/10 would commission again ❤️

[kiraqueendom]

As much as I love fantasizing and yearning about cute boys and how safe I may feel someday… part of me is terrified that I like the fantasy more than I’d like the actual thing. Being loved, in my mind, is this beautiful, illustrative thing. But, real life isn’t like that. Vulnerability is scary. Opening up is terrifying. There’s no such thing as someone who has never, or will never, hurt you. Pain is inevitable, even in good things.

I’m just scared the pain might be too much, and I’ll forgo the good things, and just recede into my own head until I die.

[kiraqueendom]

you will find supportive people to enjoy

That’s really sweet of you to say, but I try not to get my hopes up.

[kiraqueendom]

what is your favourite colour and why

Good Question! My favorite color is a specific shade of rose, that dips closer into crimson. It’s… the color love has to me. When you give a gift to someone to make them happy just cause’, that color is probably on it. It’s the color of lipstick on someone’s cheek. It’s the color of the curtains or the blankets when a boy walks you back into his bed, and starts undoing your pants while telling you that you look good.

To me, deep rose is the color of being loved.

[kiraqueendom]

Valentine’s Day is… tough. It’s both my favorite and least favorite holiday. In theory, it’s all about showing those I love how much I care for and adore them. And seeing how loved and desired I am in turn. It’s supposed to be a day where you’re supposed to celebrate loving and being loved. And that is a beautiful thing to me. There isn’t anything I would rather do.

But, what if you don’t have anyone to love on? Or worse, what if you don’t have anyone who cares for you? Then… Valentine’s Day tastes bitter. You’re surrounded by so much love and affection… but none of it comes or goes from you.

Valentine’s Day is supposed to make people happy, but for me… all it really does is remind of of what I don’t have. What I’ve never had.

[kiraqueendom]

I had a realization today. I have a weekly tradition in which I take my grandmother out to coffee (when I’m in town). I look forward to it. Today, I called ahead and she’s busy today. Which is totally 100% fine.

But.

I realized that was the only available social interaction I had today. I… can’t help but feel behind. I wonder what kind of person I would be if I just… had people I could be near. I hate that one single rejection means I’m spending the day alone. If plans fall through, I’m there picking up the pieces because I don’t have enough resources to afford a backup. I wish I had a number in my phone I could call, and have someone want to spend time with me. I don’t understand how people go through life never having to fight for attention.

I long for the day when having 1 person for an hour 1 day of the week will finally be enough.

[kiraqueendom]

Good Kid :O What’re your favorite songs from them?

I like Premiere Inn, Pox, and a specific lofi version of Drifting that they have

OHMYGOD!! I’ve never seen another GK fan in the wild before! Aaaaaa! My favorites of theirs are Bubbly, Down With the King, Atlas, Wall, and Witches!