KiwiCvts

TW: ed/sh/vent account; Please block instead of reporting.

[kiwicvts]

♡ Introduction I guess ♡

You can call me "Kiwi" ☆

I'm a minor from the US (she/her). ☆

I have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, etc. - I'm on medication. ☆

I love cats, reading, listening to rock/metal music, nature, rain and thunder storms, spooky/creepy stuff. ☆/ᐠ｡_｡ᐟ\☆

This blog contains sensitive topics that can be triggering to some. Please be aware of the mention of: -Sh -Ed -Depression -Suicide -Anxiety -Childhood trauma -Violence ↑ Be aware and be safe. ↑ Second account @grungiegurl mostly about rock and metal bands and stuff. - Please block instead of reporting -

[kiwicvts]

(Why?)

How do you live with something, that hurt you so badly. Do you learn to live with it, adapt, and move on? I wish it were that easy.

But this suffering, I cannot escape. I feel I cannot act nor speak on my own accord these days. My words now poison, not gentle. Why did you make me this way. This is not who I am. Why. I always come back to that question. I fear I’ll always be chasing the answer.

[kiwicvts]

Hey, it’s been a while… let me just say things might get better - but life will always come back and shit on you. There are barely any happy endings. No real reason to keep going. Nothing. Everything that happens is for a reason right? What if I’m just meant to be a piece of flesh to be cut up. Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be.

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, from i mother it the absence of her, iii. i am not a person that can be loved for a very long time excerpt from moony moonless sky.

[lucidloving]

Caitlin Siehl, "Cut" // i.g.p, "Mama Bore a Girl" // Natalie Wee, Letters from Persephone // Sarah J. Maas, Heir of Fire // @klyukvav // @heavensghost // Carol Ann Duffy, "Medusa" // Aria Aber, "Ideology" // Clementine von Radics, "Vigil" // Ocean Vuong, "Prayer for the Newly Damned"

[myfakeplasticlove13]

I don’t know man :/ i think I’m just tired of being me

[kiwicvts]

You’re not alone. This is exactly how many of us feel :/

[resqectable]

“I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. You’re all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.”

— Haruki Murakami

[kiwicvts]

This is so relateable unfortunately-

[kiwicvts]

I went from 140 lbs to 114 in a couple of weeks. I’m so happy but like how 😳. Progress is being made~

✨🫶🏻✨

[kiwicvts]

[kiwicvts]

Slipknot songs always sum up my way of thinking perfectly ;)

[metamorphesque]

For to wish to forget how much you loved someone—and then, to actually forget—can feel, at times, like the slaughter of a beautiful bird who chose, by nothing short of grace, to make a habitat of your heart.

― Maggie Nelson, Bluets

[boarderlinebandit]

[kiwicvts]

You know what hurts?

Having you’re best friends turn on you the first chance they get. I moved not to long ago and they’re already claiming that I’m dry and don’t want to talk to them. I’ve been so stressed and I’m barely getting by, I’ve been there for them, so why can’t they be here for me?

Does it look like I just want attention?

Do they think I’m a failure just like everybody else?

Sure seems like it.

Why should I keep living if it gets me nowhere. Im a failure to everyone anyways so what’s another “mistake”. I just need to end it.

[wordrummager]

The time after Afterwards, it is not exactly quiet because in my head, there are lingering conversations, things said or meant or not meant, small acts of goodness or selfishness, and a clock hanging heavy with weighted minutes of waiting for after. I used to hang on every yearning wishing for things that cannot be before I learned how time -while bending- really only moves in one way; so I can move with it or be stuck wishing and waiting for after when “after” is really now.

[becherdireinen]

Do you ever just miss a bond you had with someone? Like regardless of what happened between you two, you miss the conversations, the laughs you guys had over the stupidest things, or the way that they were there for you when you weren't at the best. The little things matter.

[walrustrain]

Do you ever feel like you’re just convenient?

You’re the convenient friend, convenient time pass, convenient relationship, convenient option for everyone.

You’re the person people hang out with because you’re easy, and always eager because you’re always just so desperate to feel wanted and not alone, but really you’re just convenient.

You know you’re not special, and that your spot in their life will be easily replaced and that they’d much rather someone else in their company- but again you’re just convenient. You’re the convenient option. The always available option.

I’m the friend who has best friends but isn’t the best friend. I’m the convenient friend. I’m the lover who falls in love but never the one being loved. I’m just the convenient route.

Im the ‘never says no’ friend. The ‘easy to take advantage of’ friend. The ‘can you do me a favour?’ friend. I’m the ‘useful until no longer of use’ friend. I’m the ‘I want to do something but everyone else is busy’ friend.

I’m the butt of the joke friend. I’m the punching bag friend. The forgotten friend. The one who’s feelings aren’t considered because I’m the ‘she’ll get over it’ friend.

I’m just the easy and convenient friend.

And that’s my own fault, thinking always being available, always being easy and giving more of myself will finally one day deem me worthy in someone’s eyes. Spoiler alert - it doesn’t. I’m still never enough.

I’m the ‘smile through the pain’ friend because being this friend hurts.

[sa-dnesss]

“You know things are getting bad when you spend all day in bed again and don’t want to leave your room. Your room is slowly becoming a mess. Losing interest in everything that used to make you happy, or distract you. Only eating one meal a day seems normal. Ending it all starts crossing your mind once again.”

— falling back into old habits