some bullshit about batmanās schedule
first off, sleep. iām using this site as a source because i might as well. does anything on this site have any scientific backing whatsoever? who knows, who cares, it looks legit and thatās all that matters for comic book science. now: a lot of people like to attribute the āultramanā sleep schedule to batman because then he only has to sleep two hours:
however i believe that this is goddamn stupid because then bruce wayne has to take naps constantly. and i mean constantly. the only way this schedule works is if you stick to it. the first time batman has to pull a shift longer than four hours heās completely fucked. his sleep schedule is screwed. heās got no room for error. even when things are going well everyone in his life is worried about him because heās constantly sleeping and always tired what the fuck. like maybe he does this occasionally because Shit Has Gotten Real but generally fuck no, why.
hereās what i think is more reasonable, itās the āeverymanā:
this here is a schedule with some wiggle room. you can pare it down to about 4 hours which still leaves you 20 hours to do whatever the fuck, up to and including clown punching. occasional all-nighters wonāt kill you too much, because all youāve really got to do is get rid of one of those gaps and sleep straight through and youāre back in business. to an outsider it even probably looks like you slept the night. you went to bed, you slept, maybe you got up in the night because of insomnia but you came back to bed and you woke up in the morning like a normal person. being the guy who makes a habit of an afternoon siesta isnāt going to raise too many eyebrows, especially not when youāre an Eccentric Billionaire. ālikes a nap after lunchā is the least suspicious thing a billionaire can do. or a poor person. or anyone.
so anyway when the fuckās he gonna take his naps
for location purposes i am using detroit, mi, because fuck you thatās why
so step one: when is it nighttime. batmen are for nighttimes. batman only comes out during the day for emergencies, and weāre not looking at emergency scheduling right now. this is day-to-day batman operations. batperations. iām using this site for info here. so hereās what day/night cycles look like in general (those weird fissures are daylight savings):
jun 18th youāve barely got any nighttime at all. itās 11-4 at best. dec 18th? TWELVE STRAIGHT HOURS. straight-up 6-6. I AM THE NIGHT AND IāM HUGE.
anyway this is so variable itās fucking useless, jesus christ.
so letās look at CRIME STATISTICS YAY.
according to this thing right here which probably has a better source but i donāt care, once you hit 3am thereās about jack shit happening because even criminals are fucking tired. according to this other thing, people are more likely to beat the shit out of each other when itās hot and more likely to steal shit when itās cold.
this infographic got cited earlier in a dead link in an article and includes dick-all about detroit so iāll settle for chicago. gotham can be both detroit and chicago. itās fake i do what i want. anyway aside from a weird spike at lunchtime most shootings happen after five but before midnight. assaults actually mostly happen during the day because thatās when you have to be around people and therefore thatās when youāll punch a motherfucker. anyway i think weāll have to assume that batman canāt be worrying about every single instance of a motherfucker getting punched in gotham and therefore does not account for it in his schedule.
robberies! once again the stats say 5pm-12 but it seems pretty likely that people are actually getting robbed while theyāre at work and just reporting it when they get home and their shit is gone. still: aināt shit happening after midnight. like a mogwai.
burgling, ham and otherwise: MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DAY. can you believe that shit. batman have you considered a less nocturnal animal. still, thereās a lull again between 12-6am. with theft thereās a lull between 1am-9am but otherwise thatās another all-day thing.
basically night is when the least crimes happen, except for shootings. which. okay. that makes sense for batman. clearly he has a personal interest in singling out shootings as The Worst Crime.
SO WHEN DOES BATMAN PROBABLY SLEEP:
4:30-7:30am for one big sleep. six hours later he takes an afternoon nap at like 1:30, for twenty minutes. three hours and forty minutes later, itās 5:30, time for another twenty minute nap. heās in his office just sleeping at his desk. no one even notices. he looks like heās reading this report REALLY intensely. his third nap is probably all over the place depending on the time of year. sometimes he probably opts to just sleep longer and take fewer naps.
GOD IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHEN JUSTICE SLEEPS.
anyway based on all that we can safely say that batmanning usually doesnāt get started until after 6pm, at the earliest, under ordinary circumstances when no one is trying to blow up the whole city. that seems like a monthly sort of a thing. maybe biweekly depending on if you mean twice a week or every two weeks. most of the time, though, dude has between 3am and 6pm (MINIMUM) to sleep and run a company and do whatever else. so thatās 15 hours, minus four hours of sleep - 11 hours of who gives a fuck, and thatās assuming a long night of batman. bruce wayne aināt workinā 8 hour days i guarantee that. hereās the ceo of ge trying to sound busy and sounding like he does fuck-all so yeah sure i totes believe bruce wayne could do that guyās job and also fight crime.
(what i think about how wayne enterprises is structured and bruceās function within it is a whole nother bullshit post but tl;dr privately-held multinational conglomerate with a wayne as chairman and ceo)
(i actually like to treat wayne enterprises as analogous to ge for most purposes and while i am well aware that there is little to no precedent for a privately-held company to be that fukken huge, do you know what else is unprecedented: a batman)
there are probably going to be some nights when bruce has to stay up late entertaining guests at fancy parties, but again those are probably more of a once-or-twice-a-month kind of thing. unfortunately, fancy party hours are - according to this totally bullshit excuse for research - also Peak Crime Times. but if crime peaks on weekends, maybe wednesdays are chill. can you imagine bruce wayne constantly throwing parties on wednesdays, like an asshole. āwhy wednesdays???ā sensible people ask. āto annoy you, and you specificallyā he says. it makes his parties more exclusive. who can party on a wednesday night. only the coolest motherfuckers in gotham, thatās who. like super-cool bruce wayne who definitely passed out drunk and isnāt taking his regularly scheduled old-man nap.
i feel like there was supposed to be a point to this post but i think itās mostly that there are actually plenty of hours in the day for a person to be both batman and bruce wayne, if you assume heās an overachieving asshole that only sleeps four hours and builds a careful schedule around gothamās crime statistics.
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