sawyer

gnc lesbian | lesbian any prns

[lesbianlongings]

remembered my login after almost 2 years. hi

[lesbianlongings]

unfortunately, i am my fathers daughter. i see him in the mirror. i see him in the way i smile. i see him in the way i laugh. i see him in everything. i see him in the way that i don’t realize certain things like he didn’t see that his wife didn’t like me nor did he see that she would treat me more like a pest than a child.

i see him in the way i abandon people i used to care about like how he abandoned me. i wish i didnt.

[lesbianlongings]

i want my mom to hold me as i cry and tell me everything will be okay, just one last time.

[lesbianlongings]

old friends. we grew and we loved and now we don’t speak. we dont even look at each other. but i still have the book mark you made me in 5th grade, even after moving rooms since the last time we spoke. i dont use it anymore, its damaged and i want to keep it safe. your picture is still up on my wall, taken a week before you stopped talking to us. i have your drawings somewhere in my closet. whenever i walk the trail on your road i get the urge to turn and walk to your house like its muscle memory. i keep the pictures of us on my phone because i miss u. and i wonder if you’ll every come back. i’ll keep the porch light on for you, incase you forget anything in my life or if you just want to stop by. you’re always welcome in my life.

[lesbianlongings]

i dont like to post negative things like this but something that scares me a good bit is that younger queers(specifically ones who figured themselves out during quarantine) don’t usually understand just how terrifying homophobia is.

i see kids being so out and proud and im so unbelievably happy for them but im scared for them as well. this world is not kind to people like us. im scared one day they’ll say the wrong thing to someone and end up getting hurt, both emotionally and physically. im scared for those with homophobic parents, scared they’ll get beat or kicked out for something they can’t control.

don’t get me wrong i am so so so happy that queer people can be out and proud and happy.

i’m also partially out and loud and happy. i came out at 11 years old. may 11th 2018. but it changed my life forever. it took a while for my mom to fully understand and accept it. and her first reaction to it hurt so bad. and she wasnt and isn’t homophobic, but i guess one of her kids being gay was a surprise to her.

she wanted me to keep it a secret, i didn’t understand. i wanted to be out and happy about it. but i slowly started to realize. i saw how people treated us and just how severe hate crimes are. i heard about conversion therapy and i cried my eyes out that night. i didn’t and still don’t understand why people hate us so much.

since then, ive tried desperately to keep myself safe, while still being proud of who i am. and quarantine helped me do that, since some sides of the internet became little bubbles of community. with that came new people finding themselves and not being entirely aware or used to how many people treat us outside of that bubble.

with everything happening in the states right now, it breaks me. there is a new rise of homophobia and transphobia and im so scared for those kids who don’t realize how dangerous it can be to be yourself. many don’t realize it can get you killed. i love being queer, but its so scary sometimes. for both yourself and others.

i just want to keep these kids safe. so desperately. they don’t deserve to be hurt. they deserve to be happy and loud and proud. we all do. but they don’t realize the dangers. i wish i could keep them safe and let them live so proudly without fear of being hurt on the streets for holding your lovers hand.

[lesbianlongings]

its 4:08am. im at a sleepover with my friends. two of them are asleep and ones in the bathroom(our actual convo: “i need to pee” “go piss girl”) and i think it’s practically useless to sleep now. i found a dispo in the car and surprisingly it wasnt dead so we went to the park and passed it around for a bit. we came back and played just dance and animal crossing. life is good. its worth living

[lesbianlongings]

i think sharing fruits with people is one of the best love languages. i’ll peel an orange and take off all the white bits for you. i’ll cut up strawberries and heat some nutella for us to share. i want us to pass around a fruit tray as we talk about whatever. i’ll steal a red grape from your bag of grapes and give you one of my green grapes in return. i want you to know i love you

[lesbianlongings]

on may 19th, i have a letter coming in from future me. the website you can write letters to your future self. i wrote it in 2020, during the peak of the pandemic in my province, when i was 13. im turning 17 in august.

i was at one of the lowest points in my life, i can’t remember anything about the letter but i know i’ll bawl my eyes out. i probably talked about people i no longer talk to, ask about high school, and most importantly; if i’m finally happy. if i finally find life enjoyable and worth staying for.

i want to give my younger self a hug. desperately. he deserves it so much. i want to tell him it’ll be alright. that it might take time but its so very very worth it.

[lesbianlongings]

sometimes i think of the people i hate. but i remember they are also human. they have little ‘insignificant’ things they love. like how they take their coffee/tea. or how the sun shines so perfectly through their window during spring. they may keep small tiny items their friends give them. they have favourite animals. just like me. and even if they did hurt me at one point and i don’t forgive them; thinking of this makes me hate them a little less

[lesbianlongings]

sometimes i want to be an open book. i dont want to have to explain my emotions and my thought process. i want my feelings and thoughts to be like an autopsy or a filing cabinet, so people can dig around and until they find what theyre looking for. i just want people to understand. yknow?

[lesbianlongings]

i think curiosity is a burden. mainly when you get older. because kids are known to ask weird out there questions, because they’re children who dont know anything about the world. but as we get older the questions slow and stop. why? is it because we’re expected to shut up and try to fit in? or have we given up hope?

i want to ask questions. i let my curiosity run through me. i ask the stupid shit. i dont sit still and let myself live a terrible unfulfilling existence that is working a sad 9-5 until i retire. i have hope for a better future. and i will ask the questions needed to get there. no matter how dumb and immature they sound. i’ll ask about recipes and cooking. i’ll ask about art and history. i’ll ask about the small seemingly insignificant things. i wonder and i let my wonder guide me. i will be happy

[lesbianlongings]

one thing i will never get over is the girl i met in a dream.

a ginger, a bit snarky but in a loving way, freckled with pale skin. i think about her often.

she was my girlfriend in the dream. she was only there momentarily. but in those few moments she was there i experienced more love than ive ever experienced in my 16 years of life.

i had looked at her like she was the sun. i loved her and i remember exactly how it felt. i felt the warmth spread from my chest to the rest of my body. i remember what her lips feel like, soft and sweet. her hair was soft and fingers delicate. a voice of honey, her laugh replays in my head sometimes

i loved her so much and she made me feel so incredibly loved.

i miss her even though she isnt real. i want to see her again

[lesbianlongings]

sometimes i think about my first girlfriend. we were only together for a month but we did a slow dance around each other for almost a year before. she would show interest then go get a girlfriend a week later. i was so jealous. we were practically inseparable. when we got together, things changed for good. we started drifting and she broke up with me after a few weeks. i wasn’t upset. we were on good terms but she met some people and changed drastically. i still stayed, i craved that sense of comfort and understanding we used to have. she started hurting me and i still stayed. because i loved her, at some point in time. i loved her and it ruined me. but thats how it goes i guess

[lesbianlongings]

i hate it when people laugh at “deep” conversations of life. i’ll be trying to explain my understanding of art and art history or how i want to live my life in the future and a friend will laugh at something i say even though im not trying to joke, im sharing my thoughts. it makes me feel small. i like questioning life and the purpose we’re here. i dont like it when my life dreams are laughed at. i may dream too big but its what i want. i want to travel and be happy, i dont think working a 9-5 until im 60 is a fulfilling life. i want to question why we’re here, i want to live happily, i want to love and be loved. i want to be SOMETHING

[lesbianlongings]

i think art is the purest form of self expression. it has been for centuries. you paint and draw what you love, what makes you, you.

art is so versatile with so many mediums and no set of styles you have to follow. you can be as close or as far from actual anatomy as you want and still call it art. you can pick a medium you like and enjoy: watercolour, pencil, marker, oil paint, acrylic paint. its still art

art doesnt just have to be drawings or paintings in my opinion. it can be poetry, it can be the way someone layers or designs clothing, it can be photography, it can be journaling, it can be film making, writing, music. its all art.

it can be cultural, personal, fandom related. its still art.

i find even modern and minimalist art can be so personal, and have such deep meaning. i’ve heard this before; that it’s obvious when art is made with with passion and joy and when its made with no emotions or passion.

when art is made with joy its so obvious, you can tell immediately. Even the most minimalist art pieces can have passion seeping off the canvas, and it’s gorgeous.

i firmly believe art is something humanity should cherish. it’s often looked down upon nowadays, but it’s a backbone of civilization that should never be forgotten

[lesbianlongings]

i want to be loved so much. i want to be kissed. i want to be held.

i want to love so much. i want to kiss and i want to hold the one i love.

i want to get married. i want a wife. but i dont want a huge fancy wedding with hundreds of people. i want a small one. not in a church, but maybe at a garden or national park. if it was purely up to me; i wouldnt have a ceremony. but i’d compromise for the one i love.

i want a sweet life in domestic bliss. i want to wake up and make her tea or coffee before work. i want to meet up on our lunches. i want cafe dates, specifically cat cafe dates.

i want hold someones hand. i want to run my hands through someone’s hair and whisper sweet nothings to them. i want to be the little spoon. i want to wake up in someones arms.

i wish i could have that. i wish i could have the life ive always wanted.

[lesbianlongings]

small town summers

summer camp from ages 5 to 9. you recognize the same camp counsellors from last year

trips to the only sandy beach for hours once or twice a summer

at 13 you gain the freedom to walk the trails with friends. we go everywhere we can

being told “dont go to close to the water” of our local rocky beaches even at age 15. we walk into the water anyway; standing there and laughing. its too cold to swim

small parks are like amusement parks to us. we sit on the swings until the stars wake up. we talk about our lives and wonder if people will ever accept us

we go into the same 5 stores twice a week on the way to our spot on the river trail. its been “our” spot for years

we take the long way home, down past the ocean and up the busy road.

small town summers are nostalgic even when we still experience them. i wouldnt wish for any other way