@little-boats-on-a-lake here is a fan fiction for you!!!
Kinda messy since I wrote it fast and then remembered idk how to do Angst but
William collapsed on the floor of the altar. Cold raindrops burst on his skin. Damp firewood directed smoke into his mouth. He turned over, soaking his back in the puddle, squinting to keep rain out of his eyes. The clouds that passed overhead moved quickly. There was no wind.
William imagined his guardian angel in front of him. He didn’t have the energy to speak, but if he could, he would say, “Go take care of Felicity. She needs you, not me.” William wanted to be alone while he dissolved.
He carefully let each muscle relax and evened his breathing. He was determined to decompose right there. He imagined Felicity, kneeling in front of him. The rain bending around her and the sun peeking out just to touch her. He imagined her right in front of him, the mound of dirt he became, planting flowers in his corpse. He imagined the fruit he would bear. He imagined the ghost he’d become.
That’s William’s utopia. William, gone, and whatever was left an angel so Felicity can have his life and his death. He wants to give himself to her again and again until he’s nothing. He wants his only job to be keeping her happy. He wants to bleed and die and shackle himself and drown and push everything good he has out of him, out of his life, over to Felicity. He wants to take nothing and to be nothing.
Burdened with things like sleeping and eating and brushing his teeth, taking up space and time and energy. When thunder rolls, he hopes it hits him, wistfully imagining each raindrop as a charge of electricity. He doesn’t have anything to give with this body. He wants to become a part of the universe, so erased and indistinguishable he won’t be himself anymore, his dirty, grimy, bruised self. He would be only a fountain sucked dry by Felicity’s lips. And extra bit of universe that tips the scales in her favor.
He wants to play God, but only to secure Felicity’s joy. Only to preserve her innocence. Only to do the million things for Felicity he can’t guarantee as a useless, limp, heavy human. He wants to run away so that Felicity can’t waste her love on him, but he wants to stay put to give his little meaningless love to her. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
He liked reading stories about intimacy. Thinking of them even now makes him laugh out loud, then shiver. His throat feels like he drank tar. William remembers things like cuddles and trust and togetherness. Apple cider and tiny touches and dry clothes. Even thinking of them now makes his heart start to pound a hole in his ribcage. Warm, warm, warm, fires, blankets, hands. It burns him. The fantasy dims and blinks out. Then William thinks about being Felicity’s angel. He’d eat storms before they find her, let wolves feed on him before they smell her, watch her replace him before she misses him. Cold, cold, cold, rain, death, distance. Perfect for him. He grits his teeth, hot saltwater leaking out of his eyes. As her angel, he’d be a part of her, as necessary as a kidney or a lung. He wants to be a part of her, he wants her to need him, and she’s never going to need him as he is now.
So he’s going to do it. He’s going to decompose. He kicks off his shoes, his feet already pruny and cold. He lays in concentration. His stupid body won’t stop crying. His tears carve paths in his skin like maggots on tree bark and his muscles keep twisting themselves so that he has to breathe, but he holds it, forcing his lungs to stay tight. The tiny shakes in his shoulders drag his head against the marble floor. It feels like it’s getting a dent.
Then, Felicity.
“Will?”
William gasped and sat up. Cinnamon air. Felicity’s cinnamon-smelling air. William sucked breath in through his teeth, the rain louder than ever. Gulps of air, sore lungs. The tear tracks burned his skin.
William looked up at a concerned Felicity. He smiled awkwardly. “Hey!”
“You okay? Your eyes are red.” Felicity offered a hand. William hummed. He could hear his heart. He grabbed Felicity’s hand, then rubbed his face. Out with the rain, out with the tears, out with the dirt. The rain really did seem to bend around Felicity.
William, now standing up in his heavy clothes, rubbed his hands together. “Yeah, just,” He swallowed and pointed to the rotting firewood. “Seeing if I can put a roof up over this so it’ll dry by the time we can burn it again. Not sure what to make it out of that’s watertight and portable, though, so.”
Felicity grinned and elbowed him. “Well, when there’s a Will, there’s a way.” She winked. To William’s own surprise, he actually laughed, delighting Felicity. “Why were you laying down, though? Are you crying?”
“Got smoke in my eye. Gave up dramatically.” He mumbled sheepishly. Felicity was leaning on his shoulder. He could feel her body heat ghost over his side even where she didn’t touch.
William let himself zone back in to look at Felicity in the eyes. She was giggling infectiously, making William grin. Felicity stopped to smirk. “I made breakfast, though, so let’s talk it over inside. Good morning, by the way! And I thought I was up early. We’re having cereal! Took me almost a half an hour.” She grabbed his arms and started dragging him in.
She was warm. He couldn’t feel that as an angel. What a waste it would be if he had succeeded in decomposing.
Maybe he’ll stay with her a little longer.
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