#shane making ilya smile <3 HEATED RIVALRY (2025-)

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@littleweirdo07
#shane making ilya smile <3 HEATED RIVALRY (2025-)
i knew they were strapped for runtime but i will forever mourn the loss of “if you mix that with cranberry juice, I will drown you in the lake” from the cottage episode
TED LASSO || S02E01
continuation of this short post where shane tipsily contemplates getting squished between ilya and marleau’s sweaty bodies <3
it’s been several months and shane isn’t even thinking anymore about getting panini-pressed between his husband and his husband’s bro-y best friend. it was buzzy and fun and ilya teasing him about it while they fucked afterwards was kinda hot but he’s done with all that now.
that’s the plan, at least, until he finds himself in a club. finds himself a little drunker than he intended. finds himself on the dance floor, ilya guiding him with long, sexy movements that keep them pressed together so nicely, chest to chest. it’s less dancing, to be honest, and more swaying. taking stock of each other’s bodies and following the ebb and flow of them. and shane is drunk and happy and a little turned on by his smoking hot husband so that’s why he reacts the way he does when it happens. when they’re suddenly not alone.
"It's a long story."
Shane and Ilya through the years
lucas haas drunk and buzzing after winning rookie of the year, somehow climbed into cliff marlows lap and is grinding away, desperate and begging, whining and crying
meanwhile cliff marlow is experiencing the second coming of christ, he never knew he needed a rookie in his lap begging to come in his pants, while he himself is so close he can taste it jesus christ is this how roz feels?
rookie and his captain
out and married hollanov having drinks at a non-hockey friend's house. maybe shane's old stylist who he really got along with and then her friend group absorbed him, which in turn meant they absorbed ilya.
anyway they're all sitting around a fire pit having cunty little cocktails or smth and just enough has been consumed that the convo turns scandalous. someone (we'll say his stylist) is waxing poetic about her gorgeous new fwb and their equally gorgeous friend and says "that's a sandwich i'd love to be the jelly in."
and shane - tipsy but ever present - his ears sort of perk up puppy style across the fire like, "sandwich...?"
which inspires this whole conversation about handsy threesomes. and shane's gonna be honest, in theory that sounds hot. he's had his fair share of late-night jerk offs around the idea, don't get him wrong. but he's got ilya locked down - he's not sniffing around for a third. the concept, however...the physical sensation of being caught between two hot sweaty dudes? yeah that's juuuust enough to get him zoning out into the fire, tipsy mind having a field day filled with sweaty muscles and tight, delicious pressure crowding him in on all sides.
ilya recognizes this look in an instant, of course. he's sitting right next to him after all. "making your imaginary sandwich in front of your husband..." he tsks, but it's all in good fun. he's obviously very interested, just like everyone else who has tuned into the convo because shane's kinda-
"panini..."
"what?"
"meat in a panini," he drowsily explains, in what he thinks is a perfect and impressively cohesive explanation of the image in his head right now. "absolutely fuckin' crushed..."
ilya can't even pretend to be surprised because he knows his man. and his needs. and his frequent desires to be smashed into oblivion under ilya's full weight. not even fucking him, most times. just squeezing him. pressure for pressure's sake. "ah... of course." this makes perfect sense. even if the rest of the group doesn't seem to be following. "and who is bread for your meat, my panini?"
that gets a couple giggles, but shane is fucking locked in, brother. like he's making plans already. "well you, obviously."
"obviously." okay thank god. "and who else?" he's reaching out to run his fingers through the back of his husband's hair while he speaks. "who will help me keep you still? maybe bood would if we-"
"marleau."
ilya pauses. blinks. "what?"
"cliff marleau," shane says. as if ilya is seeking clarification on which marleau is being discussed and like-...
ilya tilts his head and it's a little judgy. he knows. like the careful tone he carries with what he says next but like...hello? "sweetheart, cliff marleau fractured your collarbone and put you in hospital..."
and shane, god love him, he's just sitting there with this dreamy, almost blissed out haze over his eyes as his mind wanders. "exaaactly..."
So do you think Roy and Alice clocked each other immediately, or.
haha so cute the centaurs have a video of ilya and shane — let me stop you there. shane would never. he would never! he has an airtight agreement with the marketing and comms team that anything posted of him is strictly professional. he knows every comment on social media will be about him and ilya already, and he will NOT be encouraging it. he is a hockey player. my shane would rather die than discuss his married life on instagram on the official centaurs account. or any platform. are the other centaurs doing this?? the other hockey teams??? no. he is an athlete not a reality star.
Every day of my life I am fighting the war against people who don't know how athletic diets work or perhaps even how food works
Do people know that food can taste good and be healthy. Do people know that spices don't actually impact macros.
no no listen to me. listen to me. the sports is exactly the point. like, if this were a sport where you need to cut weight like MMA or something, sure, there's some calorie restriction going on. but hockey??
the main problem these guys are going to have is that eating enough calories to maintain their muscle mass is both time-consuming and exhausting. there's a reason nhl teams are constantly giving these guys food - it's a full time job to keep them fed.
the average relatively active person needs, we know, about 2000 calories a day. hockey players can burn over 1200 calories in a 90 minute game. and it's actually super complicated for them to consume enough calories that they won't actually pass out on the ice without also having to use the bathroom during a game!! that's why fat stores are so important for hockey players - that and because during a playoffs run it's actually impossible to balance calories-in-calories out and they WILL be losing weight for the duration of the playoff run, so they need weight they can lose without eating their own muscles.
within 30 minutes after a game, a 200lb/90kg pro hockey player should consume 90-120g of carbs and 20-30g of protein or else they will not be able to maintain their performance. for reference, that's a little less than half of what a reasonably active non-athlete of the same weight should be eating in an entire day.
if we want shane to be dysfunctionally controlling about his food, here's what it would realistically look like: weighing his food and stressing about not getting enough grams of protein. forcing himself to eat cold leftover chicken and he doesn't have the patience to heat it up or season it because he's not even hungry and he's so fucking tired but he hasn't hit his macros for today. religiously monitoring his calorie output because he accidentally ran an extra mile this morning and now he has to eat 200 extra calories and he already had a plan to hit 3600 today but now he has to hit 3800 and he needs to calculate mineral and vitamin content into the difference to make sure he has enough fucking zinc to recover from getting hit during a game and NO hayden i can't go out dancing with you tonight are you INSANE do you know how many calories you can burn in one hour of vigorous dancing??
an idea for a college au where it’s shane’s freshman year and it’s the first time he’s drunk as hell and he’s trying to enter his room and his keys is not working at all and he’s mumbling and grumbling and trying to open the door and nothing is working and suddenly the door swings open and there’s a man that shane’s has never seen before and he looks mad “what the fuck are you doing in my door” he asks “your door? this is my room” shane’s says “no, this is my room” “no, it’s my room” shane’s replies slurring the words and then they go back and forth. the guys notice he’s drunk and kinda accepts he’s not going anywhere with this conversation so he just pulls shane inside, takes his shoes and jeans and put shane to sleep with him in his bed. next morning shane’s wakes up with the worst headache he ever felt in his entire life an arm draped across his stomach and panics looking at his side and seeing a literal angel laying besides him. he bolts from the bed finds his clothes and everything else and leaves the room. later he realizes he’s in a different floor. after that he just tries do pretend that this never happened. next class he gets there early, like always, and who shows up and sit right next to him? the guy from the other day “not very nice of you to ditch me like that after i took such good care of you, yes?” and shane’s face is bright red from embarrassment and mumble an apology but he wants nothing to do with the guy anymore but now he has an assignment with him and now they have to spend weeks together and there’s no way to run anymore. he’s stuck with ilya rozanov who seems to be enjoying every single minute of shane’s despair
The first Ottawa vs Montreal game after Shane is traded:
shane and jj rating the racist shit they hear on the ice. 6/10 okay that genuinely pissed me off. 1/10 yelling a slur takes no creativity no effort no pizzazz. booooo boring!!! 8/10 i broke a finger on your face for that one so i guess i have to give you points but also points off for being fucking evil. 4/10 okay i had to go to wikipedia for this one man, i actually didnt know that was a slur that existed??? damn
comeau says something really stupid and really White™ at post-game drinks or whatever and jj makes direct eye contact with shane, then pulls out his phone and sends him this image (he edited it himself. he's been waiting for this moment)
and shane has to hold in laughter so hard that he actually has to excuse himself and leave the room for a minute. jj is SO proud of himself.
core four college era beach day is so real to me btw
I know everyone hates Hayden except for me, but Hayden referring to Shane as the twins' "older brother" instead of uncle is so fucking funny.
Like yeah I am a surrogate child to my married friends who have a car. They drive me places, get groceries for me, take me to doctor's appointments, etc. When they start having kids, I will say I was practice!
I would like for us to consider the way Shane probably crashes hard after each season.
I was that student in school who went overboard every semester. I’m talking color-coded notes, binders on binders of prep for exams, overly prepared for every contingency on the final. I earned my A’s, damnit. So when that last exam was done, the grades were in, and I could relax? Baby, I was down and out for at least a few days. Don’t call me or beep me if you wanna reach me. My phone is off. My leg’s half off the bed. My bonnet done came off—it’s halfway across the room. My mom has to wake me up to drink some water. I barely speak English. Huh? What? No sé. Je ne sais pas. I can’t do the words right now.
Whether the Cup is won or not, the end of the season is Shane’s equivalent of that last final exam. The months-long adrenaline rush is over. Pencils down, hit “submit,” you’re out of time. Shane’s always aiming for the A+ but time’s up, regardless of the grade. He can rest. He needs to rest.
Every year, Shane powers through an hour of his team’s post-season celebration before his eyelids start to droop. The physical, mental, social, and emotional pressures of the year have evaporated in an instant and fuck, how long has he been this exhausted? He goes back to his hotel room, gets a quick nap in, then makes his way to his parents’ place.
That’s when his strings get cut and he just drops.
The moment he’s through the door, he hugs his dad, kisses his mom on the cheek, then heads straight for his childhood bedroom and faceplants into familiar navy blue sheets. He’s out like a light before he hits the pillow. Yuna waits 5 minutes before she comes in to gently take his shoes off, plug his phone in on the dresser, and pull the blankets up to his chin. She tousles his hair and smiles at the way he nuzzles into her hand before she pulls away.
Shane’s dead to the world until dinner. He stumbles out of his room with one sock on, one arm out of his shirt, and eyes half unfocused. Nobody says anything; it’s pointless. Shane’s lost all ability to speak coherently. Any attempts at conversation will be met with gibberish. He’s physically exhausted and mentally fried. Cannot people right now. Try again later, please and thank you.
He allows David to guide him to the table and plops into his seat, blinking owlishly as Yuna sets a plate in front of him. He has to eat with his chin propped up on one hand, to avoid faceplanting into hot food. He can and has fallen asleep in his dinner before without so much as flinching.
David unapologetically takes advantage of the situation every year by making a carb-heavy dish. It’s usually pasta. He knows Yuna will back him up and give Shane seconds. And instead of arguing or making a face, Shane will eat every bite. He’s on autopilot and simply fulfilling basic bodily functions to address hungry-tired-thirsty-sleepy-feed me-take care of me as efficiently as possible.
After he clears his plate (at least twice), Shane smacks his lips and cringes. Good God, his mouth tastes like lasagna and death. Has he brushed his teeth today? He wordlessly makes his way to the bathroom and finds everything set up for a quick routine. Brush, pee, shower, brush again because he forgot he already did. If he has a quick cry, muffled by the shower, nobody says anything. Nothing’s wrong, but the emotional release is very much needed. Retainer in, stare at reflection in mirror for a bit, and right back to bed.
David comes in around midnight to leave a glass of water on the nightstand. He takes his turn to ruffle Shane’s hair and laughs softly at the muffled nonsense he gets in return. Realistically, Shane’s training unicorns to ballroom dance in his dreams and murmuring about their godawful adherence to accepted waltz standards with half the blanket in his mouth. David chooses to take that as “love you, Dad, thank you for tolerating me in my zombie state.”
When Shane wakes up the next afternoon, he accepts a cup of coffee, then looks blearily up at Yuna and utters the first words he’s consciously strung together since arriving the morning before. Usually, Yuna and David take bets on whether it’ll actually make sense. Last year it was: “Why is…cookies and cheese?” The year before was “I have no idea where dogs lie in keyboards for boats.” He always looks at them in confusion when they don’t answer, then chugs the rest of his coffee before putting his head down and napping a bit more.
This year, with Ilya still asleep in the navy blue sheets down the hall, dead to the world and snoring like a freight train, Shane comes up with something different.
“We have…tea for Ilya?”
David blinks. That’s…surprisingly coherent. Also, tea?
“Um,” Yuna responds. “We have green tea.”
“Mmm…no,” Shane yawns, jaw clicking as his mouth opens as wide as possible. “No caffeine in off-season. He gets…mm. No.”
None of them have noticed that the snoring’s stopped. As if on cue, Ilya stumbles into the kitchen—curls flat on one side of his head, eyes barely open, and creases from the sheets imprinted on his face and chest. His sweatpants are on backwards, but it’s highly unlikely he notices.
Yuna and David have a silent conversation as Ilya plops himself into Shane’s lap, grabs his coffee, takes a sip, and makes a face like someone just insulted his mother. He whines pitifully and flops back into Shane, who buries his face in Ilya’s neck and promptly falls asleep again.
“This is too cute,” David says with his eyes. “They’re like drunk toddlers.”
Yuna nods jerkily toward the table at their cell phones. “Take a picture, take a picture!”