How do I deal with internalized queerphobia?
I’m here, I’m queer, and I wish I could get used to it.
My sisters boyfriend casually mentioned that he’s bi and it felt as if someone casually mentioned that they had killed someone. My heart skipped a beat and a loud ringing started in my ears. I know it doesn't matter, I accept it, I still like him, so why, oh why do I react this way?
I have a friend who’s a lesbian, but when she whent home with a girl from a party my insides turned to ice, but when another (female) friend went home with a boy I didnt even bat an eye. Why?
A trans girl went to my school last year, and every time I saw her in the hallways I actively avoided eye contact. why?
I am born and raised in Sweden, a country that is accepting of lgbtq+ people. My family is and have always been accepting, event hough no one else than me is lgbtq+. The closest town (which is where I’ve gone to school since I was 13) is known for being accepting. Yet I flinch every time I see out and proud qeer people. I unconciously look away if I see same sex couples in public, I freeze when someone mentions that they’re trans, I cringe at representation in media. why?
I don’t hate queer people. I am queer, most of my friends are queer. I’m fortunate enough to be born into a loving and accepting time and place and have never been subjected to intolerance or true hate. I fight for queer rights, but queernes makes me (unwillingly) uncomfterble. I hate myself for being queer, and I hate myself for hating that. I want to be proud in myself, or at least not be uncomfortable with myself and others, but I don’t know how. I want to be open and accepting, I really try to. I don’t want to react differently on same sex couples than on straight couples, I don’t want to react differently on trans people than on cis, but how?
It is as if there are two versions of me; the true me who is open and treats everyone equally and with love, and then there’s this conservative demon punishing these thoughts. I hate it and don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any concrete advice?