Sauron’s Favourite Sub Topping @marchwardenofmordor - Tumblr Blog

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I just lost so I’m being spiteful:

The Game.

#the game

Just discovered I’m a descendant of Æthelred the Unready and Henry I.

Wack.

#family history #history

Hot take: Silm as a film?

Please for the love of fuck let Gwendoline Christie play Mairon/Sauron

PLEASE

#silmarillion #silm #the silm #the silmarillion #lotr #silm headcanons #lotr mairon #silmarillion mairon

pretty-hills-i-die-on

I 100% adore the Lord of the Rings movies, but the fact is that the Arwen-Is-Dying-Because-Ring-Magic plotline makes zero sense by the lore (if I’m wrong please correct me I’d love to learn). Don’t get me wrong, it works great for the movie, brilliant, in fact, but it doesn’t really make much sense in book logic. Why would Arwen’s fate be tied to the Ring? If she’s mortal now she can’t Fade, and if she’s still Elvish there’s no reason why it should affect her more than anyone else.

BUT, I was watching the extended scene where Aragorn looks into the Palantir and Sauron speaks to him in Black Speech and shows him pictures of a dead Arwen and smashes the Evenstar (Which is a whole other The-Books-Call-Bullshit shebang), and I came up with my own in-universe explanation.

Sauron: *Chilling in Mordor*

An Orc of some kind: My Lord Mairon (Because THAT is what they would call him), the spies have come back from Rivendell.

Sauron: Show me.

Magic Evil Spy: *Shows Sauron the image of a mortal man of the race of Numenor making out with an Elf lady who looks suspiciously familiar…*

Sauron: OH HELL NO!

Evil Spy: Indeed, Master. The Heir of Isildur lives.

Sauron: Get rid of her, now.

Evil Spy: Right away, Mast- her?

Sauron: Yes! Yes yes yes, I don’t care what it takes, get her out of here.

Evil Spy: My Lord, but surely, Isildur’s heir-?

Sauron: Do not harm that man, you hear me? Do not lay a finger on him until she is taken care of.

Evil Spy:

Evil Spy: Are you sure-?

Sauron: Was there a dog?

Spy: A dog, Master?

Sauron: Yes, yes, a dog, a big one.

Spy: Not that I could see, no.

Sauron: Oh well thank Eru for that, at least.

Spy: Are you feeling ill, Master?

Sauron: No, and I’d like to keep it that way. Arwen annihilation is priority number one, ok? And don’t you lay a finger on her man until I say so, got it?

Spy: Alright then…

Sauron, still looking at the image: HE’S GOT THE RING OF FELAGUND!!!

Spy:

Sauron: KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER RIGHT NOW!

nolongersilkbox

In order to stop the culture of faking orgasms, we need to stop the culture of shaming others for their sexual experiences.

Can’t get your partner off on the first try? Cool. You can still be thoughtful and make them feel good.

Can get your partner off within 30 seconds? Awesome, good for you both, don’t let it get to your head.

Can make someone cum in less than 5, but for others, it’s a process that takes an hour? That’s alright, everyone’s different.

Does it take you 30 minutes to cum? That’s okay, you’re not broken, you’re not a failure.

Does it take you 10 seconds to cum? That’s great, you’re not a slut, you’re not overly sensitive or dirty.

Can’t cum without toys/vibrators? That’s awesome, that’s a valid part of sexual play!

Can only cum with loving, vanilla sex? That’s perfectly normal, and you will find lots of great partners to experience that with!

Can’t orgasm at all? THAT’S ALSO COOL. It’s not a bad thing, you can still enjoy sex TONNES just like others.

Orgasms are NOT the defining characteristic of your sexual prowess. They are great, they’re lovely when they happen, but for the love of science, stop bringing them up higher than they need to be.

oldenoughtobeyourfather

This one’s a pretty big deal. “Did you come?”

No, but it still felt great

Yes, and it felt really great

Yes, but coming isn’t that big a deal for me

No, can you keep going?

Yes, can you keep going?

No, do you want to watch me get myself off?

Yes, but don’t get a big head about it – I come so easily it doesn’t matter what you do.

No, but I bet I can get you up again

Yes, but I’d rather keep edging because I always get a huge drop after coming and it really puts me off sex for a while

No, thank you, orgasm denial leaves me deliciously horny for days

No, and I’m really frustrated, let’s brainstorm how to change that

All of these are fucking awesome answers. Including the last one. They’re also 100% legitimate answers. Including the last one.

Only the last one is even a little bit “negative,” and, really, how bad, arrogant, or egocentric a lover do you have to be that you’d rather not know when your partner says “here are some great ways to help me come next time, lover?”

If on the other hand you’re going to panic or be unhappy about that last answer then you’re not a bad lover (no shame either way) but your sex life will be less workable. With the result that you’ll continue having, well, the same result.

To be honest, whether you or your partner comes isn’t the most important thing about sex. It’s whether you’re both satisfied afterwards. The only trick being that

You get to decide what “satisfied” means for you

You don’t get to decide what “satisfied” means for your partner(s.)

Asking “did you come” isn’t really the right question. “Does this work for you” is way healthier. That’s the culture we want to look for and encourage.

—

P.S. Your partner isn’t a video game. His or her orgasms aren’t a boss fight. The question you want to ask isn’t “did I beat the previous high score” but “would you like to play again.”

jennabunns

Love this!!!

mt-dreaming-deactivated20200421

Heck yes!

angelenentrenamiento

also “coming together” is something that rarely happens… most ppl cant cum at the same time as the other person, it’s almost impossible

needylittlepet

this is so important i just had to reblog because I knew other people need to see this too

raevenlywrites

There’s also nothing wrong with sessions where only one of you gets off. If you or your partner isn’t in the mood to come but is in the mood to engage, it is 100% for y'all to just have fun doing whatever, whether it ends in one, both, or neither of you orgasming. Shifting your focus away from orgasm and onto mutual enjoyment - both physical and emotional/mental- will greatly improve your sex life and whatever relationships are attached to it

radiofreederry

Reblog with your animal. It’s toucans for me

marchwardenofmordor

Spiders!

writing-prompt-s

You’re an ancient Greek man coming home from 4 months of war to find your wife 3 months pregnant. Now you’ve embarked on a solemn quest: to punch Zeus in the face.

hermdoggydog

Soon after you begin your quest, you encounter another man in a similar situation. You decide to join forces, as two mortal men stand a better chance at punching Zeus than one. Two villages over, you encounter a woman who had relations with Zeus and was left with a highly aggressive half-boar half-man offspring. She too feels your anger and offers to join your quest. By the time you reach Mount Olympus, you’ve amassed a large and formidable army of cuckolded/ravished mortals, demigods with daddy issues, mythical creatures with scores to settle, and a seamstress who you’re pretty sure is Hera in disguise. Zeus never stood a chance.

lizluvscupcakes

What I find best about this scenario is that the original wife probably expected to be murdered for her infidelity at worst or have her relationship with her husband ruined as he grew to resent her baby, at best.

Instead this man looked at his beloved and said, “who did it?”

And she replied “Zeus,” accepting he probably wouldn’t believe her.

And then he sighed, strapped his sandals back on and said, “I’ll be back before the baby is born.”

“Where are you-?”

“The lord of the sky came into my house, molested my wife in my bed and ate my food. I am going to settle the score.”

“Darling, he’ll kill you.”

“He may try, if he would like.”

theriu

You’re so right, that IS the best part.

therealbeachfox

I’m personally caught up on the seamstress.

“The pathway up Olympus is guarded by dozens of traps and perils strong enough to thwart even the Titans. How are we going to get past all of…” the shepherd boy with golden eagle feathers gestured uselessly at the slopes above them, particularly the herd of eight-legged goats snorting fire.

“There’s a way around,” Yiorgos said, though he was not specifically asked. But he had been the first to begin the march on Olympus, and so felt obligated to take the lead whenever possible, “In the stories there’‘s always a way around whatever obstacles the Gods place in our way.”

He hadn’t meant the words to come out as a question, but they had that lilt to them none-the-less. And even though he hadn’t meant it to be a question, much less a question directed at anyone specific, it was directed at one all the same. Just as the eagle-feathered shepherd boy’s had.

“Way I heard it,” a woman’s voice said. Rough with the Mycenaean Greek equivalent of a backwoods accent, and with the depth of a farmer’s wife who straps cattle to her back to carry to market, “there’s a back path. Hidden behind an invisible door that only one key in the world can open.” Everyone’s eyes had turned to the broad older woman in heavy shawl sitting amidst supplies in the foremost cart. “Least, that’s what my grand-mammy always told me.” she added after a moment of dozens of eyes on her.

“Oh, we were so foolish!” That was Lydia, a lithe waif of a woman, many months pregnant, sitting opposite the seamstress in the wagon. “Of course there’d be a.. a quest. They’d keep such a key in the depths of Tartarus or in the golden chariot of Apollo, or, or-”

“Or”, the older woman cut her off in a voice both firm, but much gentler than she used on anyone else, “he’s like all husbands and has been promising to move the key someplace better for the past three thousand years but hasn’t gotten around to it.” She gestured vaguely to the hillside, “Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was under, say, that bush right over there.”

It was. Of course. And everyone in the caravan agreed that it had been a very lucky and wise guess from the nameless woman and for the upteenth time since she first sat herself down in the front wagon and announced she was coming along with no further explanation, each and every last member very purposefully gave no further thought to the matter.

therobotmonster

It is painful to keep secrets, especially important ones. Dates and times, hours and minutes, names and places can raise nations or fell kings, if they are the right ones. Those that want those secrets will inflict every cruelty to pry them out of otherwise discreet lips.

Far, far away, Prometheus smiled through yet another liver removal. The bird went upon its way and the wound began to knit.

He kept his secret. The burden of the bigger picture demanded it. Zeus was kinder than Kronos, who was kinder than the primal chaos that came before. The pattern would hold, so long as the titan’s tongue was likewise held.

In the early days, when Zeus would come to interrogate him each day between the bird’s feasts, Prometheus had allowed himself one small slip. Had the Lord of Olympus been less enraged he might have recognized the prophecy when the Firebringer spoke it under the veil of defiant spite.

When Prometheus laughed through gritted teeth and stared the King of the Gods right in the eye, and prophesied.

You wish to know, oh mighty King of Olympus, merciful and just?

Fuck around and find out.

the-haiku-bot

You wish to know, oh

mighty King of Olympus,

merciful and just?

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

mothmanmagicalboy

no sorry i dont really use instagram, i can contact you via ouija board, spirit box, fluctuations in temperature, flickering lights, and certain rituals. i am also on tumblr.

partially-controlled-chaos

and AO3 but ouija is the most effective and direct line of communication with me

slygirlboy

hey we wanna re-think this at all or

shytreeking

The crotch of the pants too.

seshrat

peppermintquartz

ynys-arawyn

Have this wee excerpt from Pennod 5 of my WIP - ‘Ynys Arawyn’.

I am no voice actor, though I enjoy trying, so if you heard me get tongue tied… no you didn’t 🤫😂

I was curious as to how my writing would sound as an audiobook, so I made this little unofficial mockup. If it was a fully fledged audiobook, I’d like to compose a score for it myself, and have either myself (if I’m brave enough), Luke Evans or Michael Sheen narrating it. I feel like Luke would do an incredible part as my sad older sorcerer Seithenyn, whereas Michael would work wonders as my werewolf, Gelert, and Rhagfyr.

Background ambience credits go to Sleepy Soundzzz on YouTube, and I’d like to thank the channel for helping me sleep like a baby.

Part 2:

💬 0 🔁 0 ❤️ 0 · Final random excerpt from Pennod 5 - Rhagfyr.

Part 3:

💬 0 🔁 0 ❤️ 0 · Another excerpt from Pennod 5 - Rhagfyr.

marchwardenofmordor

Sharing my work here teehee

#trans writers #writerblr #welsh writer #writerscommunity #writers on tumblr #writers and poets #welsh poet #poets on tumblr #poetry #poem #silmarillion fandom

Ok but Geoffrey Chaucer would love shitposting

deaprojekt

CHARLES FRÉGER

http://www.charlesfreger.com/portfolio/lepopee-de-jeanne-darc/

prokopetz

No copypasta has ever ruined my life as comprehensively as Hell Fuck Castle. I write tabletop RPGs, and now every time I read a lore blurb about an ancient ruined kingdom where everything was cool until the last ruler fucked it up, my brain whispers "King Big Sad Guy, who did the Flame Thing".

shevathegun

This one?

mrsterlingeverything

The bulge is to distract you in combat dipshit

#marchwardencore #silmarillion #silm #the silm #the silmarillion #lotr #silmarillion oc #lotr oc

Ok so. I am writing and illustrating a novel called ‘Ynys Arawyn’.

It is structured as such:

Prose Chapter | Riddle | Poetry Chapter | Prose Chapter, repeat. It has illustrations throughout and I’m aiming for a medieval book of hours type thing.

It contains fictional fantasy retellings of the history of Merthyr Tydfil and the Ironmasters, the brutal history of Abergavenny Castle, and many more tales sown into the heart of South Wales. It takes inspiration from the works of Shakespeare (in dialect), Tolkien (in vibe) and Welsh History and Mythology.

There are soliloquys, LGBT+ themes, nurturing nature, brutal betrayals, a fight between two magic wielding brothers, sieges, battles of wits, giantess warrior witches, dragons, magical conduits, elves (Tylwyth Teg), fallen stars, werewolves (cwn annwn and Y Helais-Wyllt), ghouls (wrach’ribn), and half-spider monstrosities.

Beware ye, all who enter - here be monsters. Monsters, and men. But which is which? What makes a monster a monster? Can a man become a monster become a man?

It is deeply druidic, wholeheartedly Cymraeg, and very very queer.

Chapter titles are in Welsh, although I am also playing with linguistics to create my own language.

The language of the Coronids - stars, created by and sparkling like dew in the web of the Void Spider Coronach - is written in the round, like the manucript for ‘En La Maison Dedalus’, punctuated with long sweeping lines connecting the phrases, resulting in writing that spirals and connects like a spider’s web. The language itself is a mixture of Gaulish, Cymraeg and Kernowek (I lived in Cornwall for a while), and the language that the elves use is derived from this - given that they studied the stars from the mountaintops - and is pretty much just a more phonetic Cymraeg, and written in linear lines. There are hardly any speakers of the language, since it is mostly used for incantations and spells, and not many elves in the modern day were taught to wield the power of the mountains. But the language is reviving itself.

So far, I’ve written many poems, a couple of chapters and a collection of riddles, some in English and one in my Tylwyth Language (with a translation). I’ve drawn a rough map. I’ve designed the spiralling format of the original Coronid scripture. It’s starting to come together.

I’ve not marketed it yet, nor have I disclosed any of it up until now, as it’s still a work in progress, but if you love the following, I’m confident you’ll enjoy it!

🍎 LGBT themes - main characters!!

🍎 D&D, BG3, The Witcher, Dragon Age

🍎 Tolkien

🍎 Welsh Mythology and Folklore

🍎 Dark, Gritty but Beautiful Fantasy

🍎 Shakespeare

🍎 Linguistics, particularly for ancient languages

🍎 Welsh History

🍎 Enemies to Lovers

🍎 Strong female characters who aren’t “girlbosses”.

🍎 Sad old men

🍎 Lady Knights, Celestial Femboys and Transmasc Monsters, Oh My!

🍎 Riverdance

If it was ever made into a film or series, I’d want this as the theme tune!!!

I’m also looking to get it translated and published in Welsh. Ideally, I’m hoping to work with Y Lolfa. My dream is to make it to the Hay Festival and the National Eisteddfod, where I someday hope to compete as a Bard.

A sample of my art: