Mev

It/She/He | Adult

[melabier]

You can call me Mev or Mel. Just M if those two are a struggle to remember.

Journal/Thoughts blog where I try and write stuff in other places to be healthy lol.

[melabier]

Almost blew up because i was struggling to decore the pears I was cutting. Thanks.

[melabier]

Its so weird trying to bond with people when I don't feel a connection to them.

Its not as if I feel lonely (which I only really feel during [hypo]manic episodes) as I don't feel reliant on human connection it just feels like im always talking to a stranger no matter how often I speak to them. Its a lot easier to manage than feeling connected to someone because I can be very intense, obsessive and possessive with people like that but whatever.

[strings-ofand-code]

Sometimes I wish I could stop existing- not in the suicidal way. I like being alive. Life has a lot of value to me. I just wanna be in the void. I wish my body could go on but the fact I am merely a concept becomes an undeniable fact to all. I wish I could erase my consciousness. I sort of envy the unconscious. I wish my bubble of isolation was unpoppable. I hope all of that makes sense in conjunction.

[1xsantana]

As someone wASPD I don’t believe people understand what I mean when I say my boredom is insufferable.

Most people hearing me say im bored think I just don’t have anything to do at the moment but it’s not that, even in things that should be “exciting” are boring. It’s a continuous endless of being under stimulated no matter what I do, and anything risky only brings me a rush that lasts mere seconds & disappears as fast as it came, an endless cycle for all of eternity.

[paranixal]

Me when I don’t have a friend group: ugh this sucks I’m so lonely

Me when I have a friend group: ugh this sucks they’re all out to get me

[clusteredup]

How to make real friends if you're really weird and everything you do feels immensely wrong. How to stick with friends when you lose energy really fast and everytime you hang out with friends you immediately regret it. How to make friends when you both want but also really really don't want friends. How to be normal ?!

[melabier]

I think I avoid getting into fights because I always know I'm going to take it too far. I'm more calm with verbal ones so less of a worry there, but I know if I get into a physical one I know im going to hurt someone more than I have to.

I stop being able to control my anger the moment it feels genuine and I have to remove myself before I blow up so badly take everybody else with me.

[melabier]

I didn't think I realized I was really bullied until like, late middle school? Because people really got on my ass for everything. Like I couldn't exist in peace. Only thing I wanted to do was play pretend animals and talk about animals. It wasn't like ruthless or anything (like I wasn't getting beat up or anything) but definitely too much shit talked about me for someone who just minded my business.

I think everything just continued to go down hill (socially outside my family) after I got into a fist fight with my (since) prek bestie (which I dont even remember what that fight was about 😭) and yeah. I'm not really upset about it though? People are generally very disappointing, and I find it impossible to attach myself to people or find anyone interesting enough to entertain being friends with. Even less finding familial attachments with people.

[melabier]

Actually, Really crazy thing is that I always end up together with people that attach themselves very easily and intensely (which is like, all of my exes since middle school? Except for one). Opposites attract Ig 😭

[melabier]

I didn't think I realized I was really bullied until like, late middle school? Because people really got on my ass for everything. Like I couldn't exist in peace. Only thing I wanted to do was play pretend animals and talk about animals. It wasn't like ruthless or anything (like I wasn't getting beat up or anything) but definitely too much shit talked about me for someone who just minded my business.

I think everything just continued to go down hill (socially outside my family) after I got into a fist fight with my (since) prek bestie (which I dont even remember what that fight was about 😭) and yeah. I'm not really upset about it though? People are generally very disappointing, and I find it impossible to attach myself to people or find anyone interesting enough to entertain being friends with. Even less finding familial attachments with people.

[melabier]

I'm scared if I stop smoking weed I'll go manic and stab myself.

[melabier]

I hate the whole "Well, If your parents are abusive at least you have your siblings ❤️" because I hate my siblings too.

My "I'm always innocent and will spin the story so i'm the victim and not take responsibility for telling your business to someone you know without your permission and then acting like im the bigger person for forgiving you after I betrayed you." Sister and my "I'm always going to be passive and never involve myself with you except for intentionally hurting you multiple times in our childhood and never taking responsibility for it, also I became another republican chud amongst the masses." Brother.

Yeah, I'm so thankful for my siblings.

[melabier]

Brother relationship especially strained because my mother over the years has forced me over to take the blame for him when he's the one at fault. Even while I was a minor and he was a grown ass man.

[cluster-a-culture]

suspected stpd culture is having a hard time working on your paranoia of being watched and followed because you live in an overbearing conservative state in the US and the police keep stopping you for doing mundane things like hanging out in a park at night or walking around. Also there's flock cameras everywhere. Like dude how do I convince myself nobody is watching me with malicious intent. my government like objectively does that. And then theres the paranoia of how the police handle mental health calls here like what if one day i go through full psychosis and I get hurt :(. acab forever

(sorry if this is too political and off topic you don't have to post if you don't feel comfortable)

[the-io-collective]

if you generalize people with avoidant attachment styles as bad people or bad partners ur lowkey being a shitty person, btw.

that's a trauma response.

i thought we'd been over this.

[melabier]

Kill everybody, erradication. Its not as if it needs it.

[cluster-a-culture]

stpd culture is Years of bullying and isolation paired with at home abuse made me this.

[melabier]

I'm scared if I stop smoking weed I'll go manic and stab myself.