Table Top Conquest

I'm Mike Brendan. I'm an IT-Geek by trade who writes fiction. I also paint miniatures, which I'll share with you here...

[bravecrab]

Pitch: a muppet movie where the muppets play D&D, and it cuts between the muppets around the table and the fantasy being acted out, but instead of it just being the muppets dressed up in D&D fantasy costume, it's celebrity actors but the muppets do the voices, and the actors have to act how those muppets would. Imagine a barbarian played by Jason Mamoa voiced by Miss Piggy.

[modmad]

oH. OH I WANT THIS BADLY.

[geekandmisandry]

I hate that I didn't think of this first.

[mikebrendan]

Let's add to this:

First, all the NPCs in the fantasy scenes are muppets. Including the dragon. Think of what Jim Henson's creature workshop would do if you gave them the budget to make a tangible dragon

There is one human at the D&D table: Michael Pena. He's the DM, and subsequently he is the voice for all the NPCs.

Including the dragon.

[homemeansthehills]

Honestly it’s not as bad as it sounds. It takes the eagles about 2 hours to get to my liver and another 2 to eat it. The whole ordeal is over by one and I’ve got the afternoon to myself.

[rivalryflyer]

well I generally come in at least 15 minutes late, I use the side door, that way Zeus can’t see me, and uh after that I just sort space out for about an hour. I just stare at the eagles, but it looks like I’m being tortured. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about 15 minutes of real actual agony.

[iheartvelma]

“And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my boulder back down the hill one more time, then, then I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my boulder four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the naiads, and they were merry… But then, they switched from the Spartan to the Athens stapler, but I kept my Spartan stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Spartan stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll, I’ll, I’ll set the Acropolis on fire…”

[urfavhatesterfs]

YOU hates terfs

[switchingtogeico]

[captainhaterade]

[stankpasta]

rb if u hates terfs

[mikebrendan]

The only thing TERFs will ever get from me is teh Big Toe Of Doom.

[commodorecliche]

I’M LOSING MY SHIT AT THESE REPLIES HOLY FUCK

[mikebrendan]

So... here's a story.

Many years I was running a game using the classic module U1 - The Sinister Secret of Saltmarsh. If you're not familiar, here's the elevator pitch:

Adventurers investigate a haunted house, only to find Scooby-Doo level villains.

There is a treasure stash in a hidden room in the house. Luckily the part found this. Suhl, a Dark Elf Wizard, cast Detect Magic and found a glowing stone. "Hey, a Luck Stone" he said, and he promptly yoinked it into his pocket. I smiled, nodded, and put a Post-it Note on my side of the DM's screen to remind myself to translate his die rolls into what the *cursed* Stone of Ill Luck was really doing. He was 2nd level at the time.

Now, as it would happen Suhl's dice were either nuclear hot or absolute zero cold, so the Stone had only an occasional impact. It wasn't until the party was 14th level that Suhl hit a mediocre streak, and saw that a fellow party member was having success with suspiciously close numbers. I made the mistake of saying something smug, and the rest of the convo went like this:

Suhl: Hmmm ... *casts Analyze Dweomer*

Me: Cursed Luckstone

Suhl: Fuck. Alphina? (The party's Cleric) When we get home could you prepare a Remove Curse, please?

Alphina: Uhhhh, okay...

*Next Day*

Alphina: *casts Remove Curse*

Suhl: *Takes the stone out of his pocket, and places it on his work bench and takes three steps away.*

Suhl: ...

Suhl: ...

Suhl: *casts Disintegrate on the stone*

Suhl (to me): I had that fucking thing for two years you c***.

To be fair, after sticking someone with a cursed item for two *calendar* years, I think I had that coming.

[motherfrigginpsas]

LISTEN UP AGAIN KIDS STOP REBLOGGING THIS FUCKING GARBAGE POST. IT IS 100% FUCKING BULLSHIT AND CAN AND MOST DEFINITELY WILL LITERALLY KILL. DO YOU NOT SEE WARNING LABELS THAT SAY “DO NOT INDUCE VOMITING”? THEY AREN’T FUCKING AROUND. YOU CAN FUCKING BURN THEIR ESOPHAGUS BY CAUSING VOMITING, CAUSE CHOKING, DROWNING, OR MAKE IT WORSE! AGAIN DO NOT FORCE ANYTHING DOWN ANYONE’S THROAT. THEY. CAN. DROWN. IF SOMEONE IS LOSING CONCIOUSNESS ALL THE CHIT CHAT IN THE WORLD WILL NOT PREVENT IT AT THAT POINT THEY ARE IN SERIOUS DANGER. “Buuut i don’t wanna take them to the hospital!!!” WELL SUNSHINE GLAD YOU’D RATHER HAVE A DEAD FRIEND THAN A LIVING ONE BUT YOU’RE IN LUCK CALL FUCKING POISON CONTROL. THEY ARE NOT THE COPS. THEY WILL HELP YOU. AND IF THEY SAY GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL YOU GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL. NO EXCUSES. 0. NONE. I have seen this shit cross my dash SO MANY TIMES so PLEASE fucking reblog this and prevent some well meaning idiot from accidentally killing someone they love!

[feytaline-loves-deactivated2018]

For the love of god PLEASE REBLOG THIS

I see this stupid fucking post one a goddamn week and someone is going to literally fucking die from it

[abbessolute]

@oneshoeshort

[oneshoeshort-deactivated2021060]

IF YOU WONT LISTEN TO OP, LISTEN TO THE RETIRED PARAMEDIC WHO HAS SEEN PEOPLE DIE FROM THIS SHIT.

[sirro85-blog]

Poison control may advise diluting the toxin somehow like with water or milk, otherwise do not give them something to drink and take the empty pill bottle/ blister pack with you to the hospital.

[becausewedefinetheworld]

btw just searched it up, US poison control number is 1 800 222 1222

[arcadialedger]

REBLOG

[isearchedtheyooniverse-deactiva]

F U C K I N G

R E B L O G

T H I S

W H E N E V E R

Y O U   S E E   T H I S

O N   Y O U R   D A S H

[melgillman]

Here’s the new 24 hour comic I drew this year!  This one is called THE KING’S FOREST.  cw: blood, violence

[rayj4ck]

How the fuck did you make that last panel say so many things without using any words at all that’s so fucking cool.

[thepiscesactor-deactivated20121]

Just an experiment. Reblog if you actually give a fuck about male victims of domestic violence and rape.

[minotaursauce]

Of fucking course

What sick bastard doesn’t

[xaldien]

“You’d be surprised”, said Xaldien, who just lost four followers and received a lovely “men can’t be raped” anon shortly after reblogging this the first time.

[minotaursauce]

Yowch, disgusting.

[samuraiko]

If I don’t reblog this, assume I’m dead.

[glory-of-hera-blog]

Always reblog this

[nygmobblepot-der-pool-deactivat]

If you Dont reblog this if u see it then i cant call u my friend

[witchofthefuture]

IF ANYONE TELLS ME THAT MEN CAN’T BE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND RAPE, I AM SICKENED BY THEIR MERE PRESENCE ON MY BLOG.

If you disagree with me, unfollow my blog, block me and never look at my blog again.

If you want to debate about this or send anon’s about this, I will reply but your actions have consequences.

[witchofthefuture]

Out of 19000+ followers I have, only one of you actually reblogged about this issue, yet a lot of you have reblogged and liked a picture by playboy about catcalling and that how men should never do it.

Additionally, I have received abuse in my ask box (which I will be answering when I can) and threats. In particular death threats and rape threats.

I can see the real problem here already. Male domestic violence and rape is just invisible in our society because we don’t want to talk about this because it just damages the status quo of this fucking website.

[tarothy-deactivated20230301]

I’m a male victim of child sexual abuse. We matter. Please, reblog this.

[happerbunny-deactivated20211002]

Please never forget male victims are real and it can happen to everyone/anyone

[brightb-vt]

Make sure the romance is there on both sides people

[protectwoc]

Male victims are REAL

[wokesmalltownprincess]

Protecting our sons

[darkveryhumanteacher]

I SHALL NEVER STOP REBLOGING THIS WHEN I SEE IT.

[hobolunchbox]

The city is safe tonight. 

[bunjywunjy]

I AM THE NIGHT.

[glumshoe]

every few months someone explains to me what “GNU Terry Pratchett” means and then I immediately forget

it’s a vicious cycle

[knowledgefulbutterfly]

ok, but like what does it mean ?

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

For people who are wondering, it comes from the book Going Postal, one of the Discworld series.

The book features 'the Clacks' a sort of primitive telegraph system run from high towers that Terry Pratchett descibed as "sort of what the internet would be, if all you had was a lot of bits of string" (I'm paraphrasing here from what I remember from the intro to the film). Messages are sent from one tower to another using flashing lights in morse code, until they reach a tower within walking distance of the people they are meant for.

The people who own the business are so set on providing The Best (and most expensive) Service, that they refuse to stop the machinery so as to allow time for maintenance or proper breaks for the workers, leading to multiple people falling to their deaths due to exhaustion/poorly maintained towers. The actual plot of the book is about an ex-conman trying to rebuild the historic city post-office, so as to destroy the Clacks company's monopoly on long distance communication.

Thing is, whenever a Clacks worker dies on the job, the Clacksmen (and women) have a tradition called 'sending home', where the person's name is sent through all the towers, ending at the one closest to their home. The exception is John Dearheart, the son of the man who invented the Clacks system originally (and then had it stolen from under his nose), whose death is rumoured to have been a murder at the hands of his employers.

His name is sent around along with the code 'GNU', which is a signal to the Clacksworkers recieving it that they are meant to always send it on to the next tower, whatever happens. The idea is that, since a person is said to only truly die the last time their name is spoken, if John Dearheart's name is constantly being 'spoken' by the Clacks Tower mechanisms, then he's not really dead.

After Sir Terry's death, fans picked up the idea. GNU Terry Pratchett essentially just means 'remember Terry Pratchett'. You're meant reply with the same, so as to ensure that the name never stops being spoken, and so he lives on.

[botherbother-blog]

Soooo GNU Terry Pratchett

[amemait]

GNU Terry Pratchett

[mikebrendan]

Always GNU Terry Pratchett

[starlingsongs-deactivated201608]

Knowing that trans women of color started the movement in the united states and were literally immediately erased and excluded from what they started is the most deeply jading knowledge.

It is the original sin of the so-called queer community and it damns it from the cradle.

[starlingsongs-deactivated201608]

no white gay boy will ever reblog this, watch:

[lesbian-mimikyu]

no white gay will reblog this

[queerfemme]

no white lgb person will reblog this

[lgbtqkidsrock]

Without Stonewall, without the efforts of Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera, the LGBTQ Community wouldn’t be where it is today. Don’t forget the roots, don’t forget the catalyst.

[cyberlesbiab-deactivated2021052]

and then TERFs wanna be like, “hmm well the LGBT community existed before Stonewall!”

but like…Becky, of course LGBTQ+ people existed before Stonewall. We’ve all existed since the beginning of time. But the movement got a shock to its senses, a jump-start, a rocket-into-space when that glass shattered via Marsha P. Johnson, and when Sylvia Rivera was up on-stage protesting guess who was on the sidelines heckling her?

The same fuckers who won’t ever reblog or acknowledge this

[bitterbearsf]

My apologies to the original poster as I photo captured this post to add to the thread-I reposted this last year for pride and expect to repost it every year I have left-it’s our history people.

[internutter]

Marsha P. Johnson allegedly died of suicide in 1992, and her death was never investigated. Even I, a mere prole, could catch the “she was murdered” vibes from the circumstances surrounding the discovery of her body.

Without a trans black woman, LGBT+ rights would not exist. Never forget. Never “pay it no mind”.

R E M E M B E R

[mikebrendan]

Remember

[mikebrendan]

I realize I haven't posted here in a while sooooo, here! Have some Dragonborn minis!

[kim-jong-chill]

i need feminism because when jesus does a magic trick it’s a goddamn miracle but when a woman does a magic trick she gets burned at the stake

[mattheuphonium-blog]

fabulous 

[tockthewatchdog-deactivated2020]

i mean they did also kill jesus. that was a pretty significant thing that happened. like i understand where you’re coming from here but they very much did kill jesus.

[mikebrendan]

Yeeeeah, but he kinda got better, didn't he?

[danhumphrey]

scott lang, completely misunderstanding peter parker’s power: hey if u want man we could get tiny and just like hang out, i don’t know if you’ve ever been in a lego castle but it’s pretty sweet

peter parker: u have no idea how much physical pain having to turn this offer down is causing me but,

[northstarthembo]

Scott Lang, upon realizing Peter Parker can’t shrink: oh okay no biggee, we’ll just make the LEGO castle big

[magical-awesome-kid]

Peter, ready to cry from joy: do you like Star Wars? Because I have a replica… and my friend Ned and I got it to fly…

Scott Lang, a mechanical engineer and nerd: kid you are my people

[letitrainathousandflames-archive]

Tony, calling peter: …and may I know WHY THE HELL IS SHIELD CALLING ME ABOUT A LIFE-SIZED DEATH STAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT?!

Peter: we didn’t want it to crush any buildings so we brought it out here!

Tony: THATS N O T MY POINT!!!

[gingersnapwolves]

#and then Tony wonders when the hell HE became the responsible one#and promptly abandons his responsibilities#and jumps in his armor#to go zoom around the life size death star#pretending he’s Luke doing the trench run (via)

[153-centimeters-of-sass]

It got better!

[aqueerkettleofish]

I was gonna SAY, Tony would fly out there, look at the thing, and go…. No, this isn’t life size. Impressive though. Okay, bugs, put on these helmets, we’re taking this into orbit and doing this at 1:1 scale.

[joasakura]

Sam: Barnes is gonna make an awesome Chewbacca.

Bucky: -.-

[iconuk01]

Guardians arriving back in Earth orbit for a visit: Rocket : When the **** did Earth get another moon? Peter Qull (with an indescribable look on his face, but knowing his entire life has built to this moment): That’s no moon!

[literateterrarian]

(so this face?)

[courtofnothing]

Yes

[gogomrbrown]

Lovely.

[terror-foster]

What a punch

[snowie-skyes]

This is assault and illegal. He may spew nothing but bile but his right to free speech must be protected

[socialistexan]

Ain’t nobody throwing him in prison, so his freedom of speech isn’t being violated.

Also, learn what speech is exempt from it, like, for instance, fighting words. Words that by their very utterance inflict injury, and speech that incites an immediate breach of the peace, kind of like, yknow, saying you want to exterminate all of their kind of people. Basically, talk shit get hit is 100% protected.

I swear people that yell about Freeze Peach have no idea what it means. If you provoke someone and then they act on that provication, then it’s on you, not them.

[catholicorprotestant]

Freedom of speech just means the government can’t tell you what to say. 

[viktor-ravencrest]

Freedom of speech isn’t freedom from consequences. It’s your right to say what you want to say, and it’s my right to knock you the fuck out if I don’t like what you’ve said.

[birdsbeard]

[mikebrendan]

Always punch Nazis.

Always.

[toptierqueer]

D&D Dude Bros are cancelled for giving sweet, talented, loving, kind, consecrate, creative Matthew Mercer a hard time because the next official source book is for Wildmount in Exandria.  Do you people know how deeply devoted he is to this community and creating a welcoming accepting environment for everyone to play in?  Ya’ll dude bros seriously made him apologize that the book isn’t for everyone. I can’t being to explain to you how not okay your gate keeping nasty bullshit is. Not all official Wizards material is going to be for everyone. Not Avernus, not Saltmarsh or Curse of Strahd or how many other titles there are for 5e. There will be other books.  If you don’t like it don’t buy it. Bitching about it isn’t going to change the fact that it’s coming out. There’s tons of material out there on Dungeon Masters Guild and similar websites that you can cheaply buy or even get for free instead. Or hey make your own. Matt has chosen to share more of his world with us in an official capacity. Making him feel like shit about it only makes you look like a chump. Keep your vile toxic entitled gamer attitudes to yourselves.  

[mikebrendan]

I had little interest in this product (because I stick with Kalamar), but if it helps Mercer and makes gatekeeping dudbros cry, I may just grab a copy!

[wordswithkittywitch]

Sorry, we don’t have an elf on the shelf, but I do have some amontillado in the cellar, if you’d like that.

[allhailthebigtalkingbird]

*drunk off my ass and wearing two antler headbands* Boy, would I!

[mikebrendan]

Onve upon a time, I was reading an issue of Fantasy & Science Fiction and I came across a hilarious redneck version of "The Cask of Amontillado." The highlight of that story was the last words of poor fool was about to be sealed behind the wall...

"Aw, sheeit, Montressor!"

[probablybadrpgideas]

At the end of character creation, have every player roll a d100 for “plot reasons”. When the game begins, reveal that the result is how many miles in the air the characters start the campaign at.

[probablybadrpgideas]

I have been informed that the edge of space is 50-62 miles off the ground, depending on which measurement you use. In light of this new information, I will not be amending the post in any way.

[mikebrendan]

For extra fun, break out a couple of decks of Falling and watch the fun.

https://cheapass.com/falling/