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LU Fic: Shifting Hues (Ch. 7: Coral Waters)

Summary: In all the eras of Hyrule's history Wild has travelled to with the heroes of courage, red is considered a feminine color.

Wild likes the color red.

Or: A fic that follows Wild’s journey to discover themselves

Author's notes: Even if you've read the beginning of this fic in the past, I would strongly recommend you go reread it, as I've rewritten some things

TW: Internalized transphobia, gender dysphoria, body dysphoria, fear of social backlash for transitioning, body image issues (mentioned), self hate.

(Read on AO3)

~~~

The group stays in Kakariko for two more days, resting and making preparations for the journey to Zora’s domain.

On the dawn of the third day, before the sun has even risen above the peaks surrounding Kakariko, Wild is awoken by someone gently shaking their shoulder. They groan out something unintelligible, and the hand retreats, letting them pull themself out of the haze of sleep.

The room is cast in a dim golden glow, not from the dawning sun, but from a lantern sitting on the table next to the bed. Wild groans again, slightly more coherent as they roll over to blink up at the shadowy form of Zel, who is still in their bed clothes, having clearly just rolled out of their bed herself.

“Time to get up,” Zel whispers, before moving away to get dressed for the day. Wild sits up, taking a moment to stretch out their stiff muscles. They look across the room and see that Paya’s bed is already empty and neatly made. Paya herself is nowhere to be seen.

“Paya’s already up?”

Zel hummed in agreement as they pulled a tunic over their head. “She left a few minutes ago to go make sure your friends are awake and getting ready. And she said she’s got a few more things to take care of before we leave.”

Zel turns towards them and tosses them their typical blue tunic, the one that had been lovingly stitched by Zel’s own hand. Wild doesn’t bother to catch it, letting the soft fabric hit them in the face. Zel laughs at them, then says, “Come on, get dressed. I’ll go make sure the fire’s built up and put on a pot of tea.”

“‘Kay,” Wild manages to mumble out around a jaw-cracking yawn, and Zel leaves the room, pulling a cloak around themselves to help weather the early morning chill.

Wild groans as they pull on the tunic Zel had tossed them. They cringe as they feel how tight it is across their shoulders and chest. Their hands instinctively run down their front, finding it flat as it always was, and they desperately want to take off the tight fitting tunic.

They don’t, of course. Wild knows better by now; if they wake up feeling like this, nothing they wear will make them feel any better. Trying to find a tunic that doesn’t make them feel like shriveling into themself will only waste their time. Some days are just like that.

By the time they’ve gotten dressed, finished collecting all of their things that have ended up scattered across Paya’s room over the last few days, and made it downstairs, the first hints of light have started to appear in the sky. It’s early, certainly earlier than the heroes usually wake up, especially when they have the luxury of staying in a town for a night, but the journey to Zora’s Domain would take two full days of travel, and they would still probably be arriving after dark on the second day. The earlier they hit the road today, the better.

Zel had kept their word, rekindling the fire on the ground floor and brewing a pot of strong tea for them to share before Wild got started on breakfast. Wild knelt next to them at the low table, accepting the cup handed to them with a muttered thanks.

There’s a silence between them as they drink their tea in the stillness of the morning. Zel breaks it once they’re finished with their tea, setting down their cup and turning to Wild. “I’m a woman again." There’s a clear note in her voice that tells Wild just how relieved she is to tell someone this fact.

Wild looks at her out of the corner of their eye even as they nod. There's nothing different about her this morning that would indicate the change. Wild wonders why it changes for Zel, when the feeling of alienation from the very concept of both manhood and womanhood is so constant for them. Wild can’t seem to find their place in either. They don’t want to be a man, and no matter how they try, they can't quite convince themself-

They decide it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that Zel is happy, and she clearly is. Wild being able to understand wouldn’t change anything.

Their nod seems to satisfy Zel. She smiles at them, and neither of them speaks again until they leave the building.

The smell of Wild cooking breakfast in the communal cooking area between the High Spirits produce store and the Elder’s house was enough to draw the heroes out of the warmth of the inn. Another half hour, and everyone was fed and ready to go as sunlight started to spill across the sky in earnest.

The road out of Kakariko follows a long-dried riverbed, which had carved a deep canyon into the stony hills, and the sun wasn’t visible over the tall cliffs that sheltered Kakariko, leaving their beginning path cloaked in shadows.

Wild is glad for the shade and the chill that comes with it. They’re glad for the excuse to pull their cloak around themself to hide their form from sight as best they could.

Eventually, they fell into step next to Zel at the head of the pack, with Paya walking on her other side. The three of them were leading the group, and the thought of the gazes of those walking behind them made Wild shiver unpleasantly.

It was a little strange to Wild to be the one leading the group. Usually, it was Time and Warriors making decisions about what path they would take. Wild, who was well known for wandering and generally disregarding marked trails and roads, was rarely asked for their opinion on where they should go. The strangeness does nothing but add to the ever-present feeling of eyes on them, and they hunch in on themselves a little more as they walk. This feeling of anxiety at being seen isn’t foreign to Wild, but it’s worse than usual today.

They don’t want to be here. They want to be walking in the back of the group, avoiding eye contact with anyone, like they usually did when things got this bad.

Better yet, they want to be somewhere deep in a forest where no one would ever stumble upon them. But, given they were the only one among the heroes who was familiar with the area and the only one with a map, they’re given the lead.

The road to the Domain would be mostly clear of monsters, at least for the first day. Impa had said that she had sent out patrols to clean up from the previous blood moon in preparation for Zel and Paya travelling to the Domain for the Council of Champions.

Now, with such a large group, monsters are less of a concern. Still, the whole group is armed. The heroes all have their usual weapons, though Wild has swapped out their latest nondescript sword for their era’s Master Sword, and given their sword to Zel.

Paya looks unarmed, but she carries her Bo staff with her. To the uninformed, it looked like she‘s simply carrying a walking stick at her side, but Wild knows better. Warriors does too, Wild realizes as they catch him casting a considering glance at her. Good. It’ll be nice for someone else to know how efficient Paya is with her weapons and isn’t tricked by her shy demeanor.

Besides the sour feeling that’s settled in Wild’s stomach, the morning hike is pleasant. The first part of their journey is mostly downhill, so the walking is easy. Even when they emerge from the canyon and have to deal with the brunt of the sun’s morning rays, there's a stiff breeze to cool them off.

With the roads being cleared by Sheikah warriors, the only monsters they spot are a few octoroks. The ones that are stupid enough to try spitting rocks at the group are swiftly taken care of by their bows, the group barely breaking pace to deal with the nuisances.

Wild did their best not to be distracted from the path. Their tendency to be distracted by hunting and gathering off the path was useful for discovering hidden secrets and finding enough food to feed nine hungry heroes, but now wasn’t the time.

Zel helps keep them on track, keeping them engaged in a quiet idle conversation. Paya says little, just listening, and no one else approaches the three of them for most of the morning.

It’s well past noon, with Wind unashamedly asking when they were going to have lunch, when Wild spots the first sign of their first stop of the journey. A towering plume of smoke is peeking over the hills. Wild has fun pointing it out to Wind, and seeing the sailor get excited at spotting the towering wooden horsehead with his telescope.

It marks their approach to the Wetland Stable. They’d stop there to rest their feet and eat something for their midday meal before carrying on.

They receive a warm welcome at the stable. Paya and Warriors go to greet the Lawdon and Ami, the couple who run the Stable, and are pulled into a friendly chat, with the stablemasters asking Paya to thank her grandmother for the monsters being cleared away.

The rest of the heroes disperse. Some go to wander the woods next to the stable, some go down to the river, and Wild catches sight of Twilight hopping the fence of the sheep pen behind the stable and leading one of the docile animals over so Hyrule and Wind can pet it.

Wild nearly gets mobbed by Zenni and Talma, the young twin daughters of Lawdon and Ami. Zel helps entertain them while Wild spends the next half hour crouched by the cooking pot making omelets for their midday meal. They catch their parents shooting them grateful glances for keeping the kids from getting underfoot.

Wild hands the omelets off to whoever is closest once they finish a batch, including the kids. Eventually, everyone but Zel and themself has been fed, and the kids have gotten bored of the stories Zel is telling, running off to eat inside the tent.

Zel accepts the second to last plate, but sets it to the side, not eating yet. Once Wild finally finishes, they’re approached by Ami before they can start cleaning up the cooking area.

“We’ll take care of cleaning up, Champions,” Ami tells them. “Least we can do after you entertain and feed the kiddos.”

“You sure?” Wild asks, tilting their head. Zel smacks their shoulder playfully.

“Ever heard of looking a gift horse in the mouth?” She teases, and then turns her attention to Ami. “Thank you, we really appreciate it. Your hospitality remains unmatched.”

Ami grins. “Don’t let any of the other stablemasters hear you say that,” She jokes, but the flush to her cheeks tells Wild that she’s pleased by Zel’s words.

Zel drags them off in the direction of the river, plates in hand. They pass Legend, who’s finished eating and is laying down for a quick nap in the shade of the tent, using his bag as a pillow. Wild can’t tell if he’s really asleep or just has his eyes closed. They don’t see anyone else on their way down to the docks. Everyone is either inside the tent eating, or out of sight elsewhere.

Eating down on the docks is peaceful, and they both strip off their boots and roll up their pants to dip their feet in the river as they eat. Their feet sway idly, the cold water a welcome relief after walking all morning. In fact, it would be downright pleasant if it weren’t for the dark emotions that had been growing in the pit of Wild’s stomach the whole morning.

The sun reflects off the water, hiding the depths from their gaze. Once Wild finishes eating, they set their plate aside and lean forward to catch a glimpse of themselves in the water’s rippling reflection.

They can catch flashes of their long hair, and they can’t make out the specifics of their face. They feel… better, just for a moment.

Then the water stills, and their face comes into sharper relief, and they can clearly see every angle of themselves. There can't be any pretending when they’re thrown into such sharp relief. Their momentary feeling of peace shatters, leaving them feeling hollow, and they can do nothing but meet the dead-eyed gaze of their reflection.

A sudden splash breaks their concentration. Zel had flicked her feet in their direction, disturbing and distorting their reflection, and splashing water onto their rolled up pants legs.

“What are you thinking about?” Her voice is light and jovial. If Wild were in any other mood, they might have retaliated as she clearly expected them to. They might have splashed her back, or cracked a joke, maybe even pushed her off the dock if they felt like getting pulled in after her.

But they aren’t in any other mood. The foul mood that’s followed them all day from the moment they'd pulled on their tunic is still settled in their chest, and no matter how many miles they'd walked, it refused to loosen its grip.

Wild thinks back to this morning.

I'm a woman again, Zel had said.

The words had been so simple, and so certain. Wild had been happy for her. They still are. But ever since she'd said them, they'd been turning over and over in Wild's mind.

Wild doesn't know what that certainty feels like. Because if they weren't a man… Then what were they? They knew what they wanted to be, if they let themself think about it. But it felt so far away, so impossible. Their fingers curl around the edge of the dock until the wood presses harshly into their palms.

The words force their way out before they can stop them.

“I’m not a woman.”

“Okay?” Zel looks genuinely confused, which Wild uncharitably thinks is unfair. Why didn’t Zel understand? Of all people, they thought she would-

That she-

Why didn’t she-

Their mind starts to become muddled together in their head, turning into a swirl of frustration that doesn’t let them put any of their thoughts to words.

When Wild says nothing and continues to stare blankly at the ripples in the river, Zel continues. “You don't have to be a woman.” She pauses for a moment, then seems to come to some conclusion. “Is this because of what I said this morning? Wild, just because I-”

Wild cuts her off with an outburst so loud they fear it might be heard from the stable. “I want to be!” They wince at their volume, but they can’t stop the words from spilling out of their mouth.

It’s reminiscent of when they’d first realized they hadn’t wanted to be a man. The realization bursts out of them in a torrent of hurt and grief that had been building up for a while, but they’d ignored.

They can’t ignore it now.

But despite the hurt that digs deep into their soul, it’s not the same as it was last time. The difference is that now, there’s someone here to hold their hand. Instead of Wild grasping at the dirt so tightly it ends up embedded under their fingernails for days, Zel grips their hands with both of hers, forcing them to turn towards her.

“Wild, if you want to be a woman, then you are one!” Zel looks a little startled, a little afraid, maybe, of how their seemingly calm mood had flipped on its head so quickly. Wild doesn’t tell her that their relaxed mood had been a facade for nearly the entire day.

“But I don’t feel like one. I feel so wrong, and I hate my body. I hate when people look at me. No one is ever going to look at me and see what I want them to.” Wild starts to trip over their words as their voice starts to waver and burning tears well up in their eyes. “Not what I’m supposed to- I wish I was- never-”

“Wild!” Zel’s voice is sharp. Sharp enough that it startles them out of the spiral they’d been in. They realize they’ve been gripping Zel’s hand so hard her fingers are starting to turn pale. They release their grip and try to jerk their hands away, but Zel doesn’t let them go.

“If you want to be a woman, then you are one!” Her voice is forceful now, more than they’d heard in a long time. She’s nearly snapping out her words. “It does not matter what you look like or what anyone else thinks of you. Them being wrong about what you are isn’t your problem, and if anyone’s being rude about it, I’ll-”

Wild will never find out what Zel would have done, because they cut her off. “No. No one’s being rude.” They haven’t even told anyone except Zel and Riju. How could anyone be rude about something they don’t know?

That doesn’t seem to placate Zel much. “Well, it seems like you're being pretty rude to yourself, Wild.” She huffs, but her voice starts to soften. She drops their hand, only to scooch closer and link their arms together instead. ”I don’t like that you think that way about yourself. Will you please tell me what’s got you thinking like this?”

Wild shakes their head, suddenly feeling too overwhelmed to speak. Zel waits for them, though, and eventually they can croak out. “I want to be a woman, Zel. When people look at me- I don’t- It feels like everyone is staring at me, and it feels like they’re seeing every part of myself that I hate. But I can’t tell them they're wrong. I feel like I should be a man. I mean all the heroes have been men before.”

They somewhat expect Zel to interrupt them then, but she stays silent, giving them time to speak their mind fully. They take a shuddering breath, and continue stuttering through their explanation. “I mean- I think something must be wrong with me. I’m not supposed to want to be a woman. What will they- what will people think?”

It’s a relief for Wild to finally say everything they’ve been thinking, even if their explanation is poor. They don’t necessarily feel better for it, but saying it out loud helps sort their thoughts a little.

What they had said cut to the heart of it: Wild wanted to be a woman, and they feared what other people would think about them for it. They feared what their friends would think about them. What their brothers would think of them.

Zel takes a long time before she says anything. If it had been anyone else, Wild would have panicked at the long silence, but they know she’s just thinking about what to say. She stays next to them, arm looped with theirs the whole time.

“I think,” she starts slowly, “that what you want is more important than what you’re supposed to want. And anyone who’s worth knowing won’t care what you do as long as you’re not hurting anyone.”

She’s talking about the other heroes, and Wild knows she’s right. The heroes are a very forgiving bunch, and they’re all used to the strange and unusual. The only time Wild’s ever seen any of them raise their hands, or swords, or even their words, against a fellow Hylian was when someone was being cruel to others.

They wouldn’t be cruel, Wild knows. Not on purpouse, at least.

There’s a long pause.

“It’s about what you want, Wild,“ Zel insists. “Everything else doesn’t matter.”

Wild shrugged, not willing to agree just yet.

“Just think about it. Please? And if you start to feel like this again, please tell me, tell someone, before you get to this point? Can you at least agree to that?”

Wild hesitates, but they know Zel isn’t asking for much. “Okay,” they admit. “Okay, I’ll try.”

Zel beams at them, and they can’t help but return the smile.

~~~

If any one had heard any of their conversion with Zel, they do an excellent job of not showing it when the group starts to gather again. No one seeks them out before they rejoin the group, at least.

Once everyone sgtarts to gorup up again, and Wild and Zel make their way over, several of the heroes do a double take when they see Wild. They’re sure they don’t look too good right now, and wouldn’t be surprised if their eyes were red from their unshed tears. The way Zel is still clinging to their arm probably tells them something too.

It’s Time who actually approaches them. He starts by offering a casual thanks for lunch, which Wild brushes off as they always do; cooking isn’t a chore for them. Then Time pauses and looks at Wild with that piercing gaze of his, a sliver of his white eye peeing out from under the drooping lid of his bad eye, and simply asks if Wild is okay.

They exchange a look with Zel, who just shrugs.

“I think I’ll be alright, Time.” They know better than to try to lie to the old man, but they also don’t want to talk about it with him.

Time dips his head in acknowledgement, and leaves them alone. The rest of the heroes also turn their attention away, apparently satisfied with Time being placated.

The stablemasters and their twins cheerfully bid the group farewell, and the eleven of them set off with little fanfare. The afternoon’s walk is just as quiet as the morning’s, and they reach their stopping place for the night in no time.

Trillby Plain is a good halfway point between Kakariko and the Domain, and the nearby river provides an excellent opportunity for Time, Twilight, and Wind to break out their fishing poles and catch a few trout for Wild to cook for dinner. They serve it with rice and fried greens, and the rest of the evening is spent lazily around the fire.

Wild doesn’t involve themself in the conversations around the fire, or in Hyrule and Legend’s firendly competition on who can shoot down the most keese. They see Warriors and Twilight watching him a few times, a mix of wariness and concern on their faces. They know it’s unusual for them to be so quiet, but they just don’t have the energy to act like their usual self.

The emotional toll of the day is weighing heavy, and they’re looking forward to collapsing into their sleeping bag. They’re thankful when Hyrule, Warriors, and Legend volunteer for watch duty, and almost immediately crawl into bed.

The talk around the fire quiets down then, the others being mindful of Wild trying to get some rest.

It’s not long before they slip into sleep. Their dreams are soft that night, filled with relief and joy and…

~~~

Zel laughs as she tugs on Wild's hand, pulling her forward. Wild nearly trips over the hem of her long skirt, but Zel catches her before she can stumble. They dissolve into shared giggles.

Turning to someone whose face Wild can't quite make out, Zel smiles with easy pride. “This is my wife, Wild.”

“It's a pleasure to meet you,” Wild says, dipping into a small curtsey. Her heart feels impossibly light.

~~~

Wild wakes to a welling sense of joy.

It’s a very unusual feeling for them. Usually, if they wake from a dream, it’s because their own terror has roughly jerked them out of a nightmare. The fact that happiness is what wakes them this time is strange.

It could be real. They could really have that, if they wanted to. Perhaps not being married to Zel; They’re sure she has her eyes set on someone else for that particular role, and Wild couldn’t be happier for her. But the rest of it…

Zel’s words echo in their brain. It’s about what you want, Wild.

Well. Wild did want that. Wild wants to be a woman, wants to be a she.

It was freeing to let herself think it without the thought dripping with shame and grief.

Wild lets herself imagine a world where she could wear whatever clothes she wanted without fear of shame, where someone might call her Ma’am without correcting themselves in a rush, where she might look at herself and be content with what she sees.

Sure, there was a possibility that she would face backlash, but if she could have that joy in real life, if she could experience just an ounce of the happiness the dream had given her…

Maybe that potential joy was worth any potential pain.

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If I wanted hurt no comfort, I'd look IRL