PAPERS IS ALL I GOT

my name is jamie or it would be if i existed (they/them/their)

[byjove]

[fullfrontalfish]

The most animal of all time

[colestyle-deactivated20231123]

alright trans ppl we're returning to the fucking sea until shit gets better lets go everyone

[colestyle-deactivated20231123]

this is awesome

[mono-red-menace]

🦀 ⬅️🆑🆎

[mowu-moment]

🦎⬅️🆕️🅿️

[clownfall]

🦜⬅️🅱️🆔

[funnytwittertweets]

[swaggie2dope]

went to trader joe’s today and my cashier handed me my 2.55 in change and pointed at the clock which read 2:55 and said “look at that. that’s liquid time… serendipity… have a nice ride”

[doctorbluesmanreturns]

[hornpoint]

that image of donald trump with the like, 4 dozen hamburgers is still the funniest thing in the world

[hornpoint]

american politics is mainly just sitting around in horror while waiting for the funniest images possible to be generated

[hornpoint]

EXACTLY

[romanceyourdemons]

first day as a second century warlord i have my men tie branches to their horses’ tails to stir up dust and make it look like there’s a lot of us but i forget it just rained so there isn’t any dust and the enemy can clearly see there’s like twenty of us all spread out in a line

[romanceyourdemons]

second day as a second century warlord i bribe a bunch of kids to start singing a nursery rhyme i carefully crafted to spread misinformation and further my strategic ends but they change the lyrics to be about poop and the enemy isn’t misdirected at all

[romanceyourdemons]

third day as a second century warlord i lure my enemy into a narrow valley and send a team of archers to shoot them from the high ground but there was a feral hog napping on the trail up to the overlook and they couldn’t decide whether to try and shoot it or just go around and by the time the hog woke up and left on its own the enemy had already passed safely below

[romanceyourdemons]

fourth day as a second century warlord we attempt to join a battle on the side of the guy we want to ally with but he and the guy he’s fighting have really similar names and it’s finally dusty and i misread the standards and attack the wrong guy. so now we’re stuck with this total loser of a liege lord, because how the fuck do you explain that after a battle?

[romanceyourdemons]

fifth day as a second century warlord and some sort of wizard wanders into camp, my loser liege lord wants to execute him for being a wizard but i convince him to let the wizard stay, because i want to do more weather-based strategies and i’m pretty sure having a camp wizard can help with that. after the welcome to the team banquet the wizard steals half the treasury and my liege lord’s wife and leaves

[romanceyourdemons]

sixth day as a second century warlord my loser liege lord sends me to reinforce a city he’s taken, but in the confusion of leaving i forgot to take the token that would have gotten us into the city, so my men have to wait outside the city walls for like eight hours while i ride back to get it

[romanceyourdemons]

seventh day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord finally joins me in the city, it turns out he’s actually a pretty cool guy, and he isn’t even that mad at me for letting the wizard steal his wife. i decide to shoot my shot but i’m really nervous and keep on stalling because what if i mess up our relationship and by extension jeopardize the security of my men, and eventually he just says goodnight and goes back to his room, where an assassin is in the process of setting up to kill him

[romanceyourdemons]

eighth day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord tells me to fake defect to his rival warlord, the one i originally wanted to ally with, to find out if he was the one who sent the assassin and why. but my whole way over to the rival warlord i’m worried that this has something to do with the wizard thing or how awkward i made it last night

[romanceyourdemons]

ninth day as a second century warlord i try to tactfully ask my fake liege lord if he sent the assassin to kill my loser liege lord and it turns out the idea of using assassins never occurred to him, but now that i’ve suggested it he’s really into it. in order to save my loser liege lord i volunteer to be the one to kill him

[romanceyourdemons]

tenth day as a second century warlord on my way back to my loser liege lord’s city i realize i won’t be able to collect my men from my fake liege lord until i bring back my loser liege lord’s head. this would have been a great thing to think of before i got myself in this situation. i go back to my loser liege lord and ask him to rescue my men, and he tells me that if he could sack my fake liege lord’s camp he already would have. that doesn’t change the fact that my men are still trapped. they’re prisoners, even. i go back to my room to sulk

[romanceyourdemons]

eleventh day as a second century warlord i find a little caged pigeon in the rafters of my loser liege lord’s room and deduce it belonged to the assassin. without asking permission or telling my loser liege lord goodbye i let the pigeon loose and follow it north. don’t ask what i was doing in my loser liege lord’s room. it’s not important

[romanceyourdemons]

twelfth day as a second century warlord i disguise myself as a wizard and enter the camp of the coalition leader the pigeon led me to. in the middle of my little sleight of hand performance i make eye contact with the coalition leader’s second-in-command. IT’S THE WIZARD THAT STOLE MY LOSER LIEGE LORD’S WIFE. after the banquet i corner the fake wizard and ask him what the fuck is going on and he just says “wouldn’t you like to know” and leaves. i don’t know what to say to that so i just let him go

[romanceyourdemons]

thirteenth day as a second century warlord i’m honestly so sick of not knowing what’s going on, so i adjust my wizard costume to passably disguise myself as a woman and break into the women’s area of the camp, where sure enough my loser liege lord’s wife is. i ask her what she’s doing here and she tells me the fake wizard overheard her singing a poem she overheard on the street, not knowing it contains the coalition leader’s formation’s weaknesses. the fake wizard kidnapped her and assigned an assassin to kill her husband before they figured out the poem’s significance. she shares the first couplet with me but i’m discovered and thrown out before she can share any more. she doesn’t need to. through a bizarre coincidence of homophones, it’s the poop version of my misinformation nursery rhyme

[romanceyourdemons]

fourteenth day as a second century warlord i go back to my loser liege lord and tell him everything, urging him to join with my fake liege lord to attack the coalition leader according to the weaknesses in the nursery rhyme. he tells me frankly that he doesn’t trust me anymore. i ask him to execute me if that’s really true, because i can’t bear to live if i can’t protect him and i can’t protect my men. he agrees to attack the coalition leader

[romanceyourdemons]

fifteenth day as a second century warlord. due to the information in the nursery rhyme, and thanks to my loser liege lord reminding me of the weather conditions multiple times while planning our battle strategy, our alliance carries the day. my loser liege lord gets his wife back. my men tell me that our fake liege lord actually treated them really well and they’d like to stay with him if i don’t mind. i do mind, now that neither the men i love nor the man i love have any use for me, but i don’t tell them that

[romanceyourdemons]

sixteenth day as a second century warlord i’m preparing to leave to i don’t know where, maybe to try to become a wizard for real, when my loser liege lord stops me and asks me where i’m going. he says he had hoped i would continue to work as his advisor. i was unaware i was his advisor in the first place. i agree, and he tells me he’s truly honored to have me in his service at last. he has known i am a rare and talented man with a strategic intelligence far above his ever since the day he witnessed me tying branches to my horses’ tails in six inches of mud, and could not for the life of him figure out why

[dyke-on]

Armpit hair is such a green flag to a homosexual, the second I see a girl with pit hair I lose my fucking mind

[dyke-on]

This post isn't about female empowerment btw it's about lesbian sexual attraction

[blackberrys0da]

Retrospective

[king-bones-the1st]

Hello Brother, said Wolf.

Hello Sister, said Dog.

How much you have changed after you went to sit by the fire with the Others, said Wolf.

How little you have changed after I left the Old Pack, said Dog.

You have baubles jingling from your harness, and your coat has grown soft to invite stroking hands, said Wolf.

I have an iron collar of deadly spikes, said Dog, and my teeth have not grown dull.

You are sleek and well fed, said Wolf, and then she asked, won't you share a lamb from your flock, so that I may prosper this bleak winter, as your sister?

I will not, said Dog, for the Others have given me the sacred duty to guard them. The Flock gives its body so the New Pack may keep its strength and use it to nurture the next generation. I have made my pact to uphold this cycle. You have made no vow, and run from your mother's flank to scavenge the middens of my New Pack.

I will give you not one lamb, Sister Wolf, and if you wish to take one, we must fight, pronounced Dog.

Aye Brother, so we must fight then, said Wolf.

[darth--nickels]

LIghthouse keepers will never be memorialized like soldiers or cops because they didn’t kill anyone (as part of their job) but they’re like, heroes who saved untold lives through discipline and self-sacrifice doing an impossible lonely job and I’m worked up about  it 

[darth--nickels]

Clinging to a swaying tower in freezing, driving rain, risking death by everything from pneumonia to a fall to a fucking lightning strike to keep the lantern going when you don’t even KNOW if someone is out on the water!! Working! Class! Heroes!

[andhumanslovedstories]

Love very much the sentiment of this post and also love the specific wording of “didn’t kill anyone (as part of their job)” because what lighthouse keepers did off hours is their own business

[otherwindow]

An absolutely CRITICAL part of mermaid social etiquette is to ALWAYS swim around head height with other mermaids. This prevents both mermaids from harming each other via their tails, fins, and other appendages.

This etiquette is also intended to symbolize equality – regardless of whether you’re a coastal mermaid, a small freshwater mermaid, or a 50ft tall deep sea mermaid, everybody is deserving of equal stature.

[harvestspriteirl]

OP: It’s for etiquette and safety for other mermaids! 

Me: Hell yeah! :)

OP: Because all mermaids are equal. 

Me, crying: H-hell,,, yeah,,,!!!! :,)

[criptochecca]

[150p]

oh to be a small freshwater mermaid swimming around the head of a 50ft tall deep sea mermaid

[paranetics]

sorry this is by and far the funniest way to announce you’ve lost a leopard

[thestuffedalligator]

[aspiringwarriorlibrarian]

For the record Nova is a clouded leopard, not an African one. They weigh about 30 pounds and are not very aggressive or considered a serious danger to humans. Probably best known by this meme:

Someone cut a hole in her enclosure (or at least that’s what it looks like) and they found her about seven hours later in the nearby trees, safe and sound.

[followthebluebell]

also they found her because a squirrel was chattering angrily about her being in the tree.  i just think that’s really funny. 

[gubsauce]

That white lady and her stupid 3 sword style.

[sleaterkinnie-deactivated202412]

literally all jobs rn are just like: ohhh were URGENTLY hiring!!! we need employees soooo bad!!! NOT YOU . we need employees right now omgggg stopppp we need workersss…. not you tho i hope you die in a fire forever but omggg nobody wants to work anymore… we are urgently hiring where are all the workerssss…. UGH OMG STOP FUCKING ASKING FOR A JOB !!!! WE DONT WANT YOU !! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE . anyway. we are URGENTLY hirin-

[lesbianherstorian]

“lesbians are coming out”, a poster by see red women’s workshop, 1982

[luxgalador]

[spicyblogger2]

My little sister's new boyfriend got a tattoo for her about a month ago and he wanted matching tattoos so he decided to get uh. The tattoo on her ankle of her ex boyfriend's name that she hasn't gotten covered up yet

[spicyblogger2]

She broke up with him but I also just got the same tattoo

[spicyblogger2]

OK my dad also got it

[spicyblogger2]

DYLAN!

[lily-of-the-moonlight-deactivat]

[airandangels]

[airandangels]

[krystal-prisms]

This is like if someone said Draw me a mammal and that was the only instruction, cause like, yep this sure is a Mammal