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@moonymoonmy
A year or so ago I went to wood carving club with a bruised eye from my dog slamming his nose into my eyesocket and like every old lady there pulled me aside at some point to ask if my partner hit me here are some of the solutions they had in case he did.
-Replacing his vitimens with poision
- getting her brother to invite him out onto his boat and then killing him and dumping him in the ocean and saying he got drunk and fell off.
- get tboned with him in the passenger seat and then once he was in the hospital theres all kinds of easy ways to kill him like not washing my hands after a poop and then touching his wound casually.
-replacing his drink of choice with moonshine!?
- take him on a hike thats locally notorious for a rapid otter attacking hikers and once he had rabies I could just kill him any ol way and say self defense.
-One lady just cheerfully informed me she had a gun and only a few years left anyway
Accurate tags:
#and this is why no-fault divorce brings down the murder rate
*goes to egg your house but I find out you're vegan so I ¼ cup of unsweetened applesauce your house instead*
Okay I hear you, but that's not going to work. As always, when you're thinking of vegan egg substitutes, it's important to think about the purpose of the egg in your recipe.
Eggs are used in this recipe because they smell gross and don't come off easily (due to their tendency to harden/cook in the sun). This is not a situation for applesauce, which will come off in a light rain.
While unconventional, the substitute you're looking for here is sourdough starter. It's goopy, it'll smell atrocious in the hot sun, and it'll harden onto the walls like cement. If you try to get it off with water, you'll end up with a sticky dough.
Just make sure to respectfully ask your target if they have a gluten allergy before doing this - wouldn't want to trade one evil for another.
This has beautiful synergy with "let me get this bitch's pronouns before I curse them out" in the game of hate
Bad Guy: well well well, if it isn't Peak Lord Shen and his dog
Luo Binghe: *perks up all pleased*
Bad Guy: and the demon emperor
Luo Binghe: ?!?!!
Liu Qingge: I'm the dog
Luo Binghe: you take that back right now! if anyone's shizun's dog it's me!
Shen Qingqiu: *thousand yard stare of a man who knows how many hours he's going to have spend reassuring his husband that he'd make a great dog after this*
Inspecting my grean
Yep that's grean!
SV fic where Shen Yuan rationally decides to be gay. For rational, strategic reasons. He has to do it.
Reason 1: every woman in the world has pretty much been reserved for the protagonist. trying to get with anyone would seal his fight as a rival, on top of a villain! he's basically either got to spend the rest of his life a bachelor or find another option.
Reason 2: obviously as a straight man Shen Yuan would prefer the bachelor option, but that's just leaving him wide open to attacks! Shen Qingqiu already did a poor job of cementing any alliances, having no family to speak of and pissing off the majority of his sect siblings. frankly he's left Shen Yuan in a bind that only some kind of concrete financial and social alliance could solve!
Reason 3: no man wants to die a virgin, right?
Reason 4: increasingly progressive standards in fiction have actually made it gauche to kill off openly gay characters. while a stallion novel might still go in that direction, it's not like he could make his fate much worse, so it's worth a shot, right?
anyway this all leads to Shen Yuan carefully reconstructing the image of Shen Qingqiu into the token complicated gay character. obviously he's not going to put the moves on any of his disciples (he doesn't want to fall into those gay stereotypes!), but to cement the image of himself as a gay man he's going to need to put the moves on someone.
it's a shame that the OG was so well-established in his enmity towards the sect leader. Yue Qingyuan seems like he might have at least entertained such interest, although he's also more of a brotherly type and probably not gay, so perhaps it's for the best in the long run.
luckily, another option falls right into Shen Qingqiu's lap (almost literally!) when he saves Liu Qingge from a qi deviation.
Liu Qingge is actually the perfect target for an unrequited crush. it recontextualizes some of his and the original's enmity, Liu Qingge was dead in the original story so it's not likely to mess up anything worse than him just being alive does, Liu Qingge is beautiful enough that it's believable anyone would be secretly in love with him, and a war god is almost certainly straight, which gives Shen Qingqiu time to adjust to the idea of living as a gay man for the rest of his (hopefully long) life. y'know, before he finds an actual gay to partner with!
the only downside is that coming on to Liu Qingge might discourage him from protecting Shen Qingqiu and repaying his debt in the long run. luckily, that doesn't seem to be the case! despite his face frequently turning red (from anger?) and him sometimes literally fleeing at Shen Qingqiu's awkward attempts at flirting, Liu Qingge never misses an appointment to cleanse his meridians, and seems to take his safety and well-being very seriously.
what an honorable man!
shame that Luo Binghe doesn't seem to like him, though. Shen Qingqiu's not sure what to make of all that. that's your future brother-in-law, Binghe! at least make an attempt to win him over! oh well. at least he's not ruining a relationship between in-laws that otherwise could have been good, as he makes extra sure to subtly bemoan, in front of Luo Binghe, the tragedy of his deep unrequited love for Liu Qingge. for like the third time that week.
YQY would be crying and screaming and pissing if he knew SQQ considered him as a potential love interest for a minute before bro-zoning him
KICK THE CAN!
Let’s play the biggest game of kick the can on the internet.
To kick the can, reblog it. I wanna see how long this can go on for.
the oldest reblogs for this post that i can find are from january 2nd of 2013. this can has been getting kicked around tumblr for almost 13½ years now
Qijiu fans are like here are two characters who were heavily codependent as children, they went through hell together, the only thing that could separate them was breaking yue qingyuans bones over and over while he was locked in a cave, they are both platonic and romantic soulmates, they've grown into the kinds of people they hate most because of each other. and then jiuyuan fans are like two shizuns are twice as hot they should fuck
this is how new yorkers @ mamdani
Reblog to give a trans person a fresh and perfectly ripe mango wait huh
It's the wikipedia image??? How big could it be
What
Huh???
can see the pores on that thang
Reblog to give a trans person a shockingly high resolution mango
Could you imagine making your own movie, making like 20 million dollars, and then going “awesome, now to install a DVD duplicating machine in my house and personally burn copies by hand like a medieval monk preserving sacred texts”
Like I need people to understand the mental image here of a multimillionaire internet creator personally overseeing DVD production in his own house like he’s running an underground bootleg operation out of a basement in 2007.
It’s weirdly charming because there’s something very “old internet” about it, this energy of “I made a thing, and now I will physically hand it to people myself like an artisan at a craft fair.”
The man really said: “The future of cinema is me standing next to a humming disc burner at 2am”
And like... I can't help but believe he's onto something
'Iron Lung,' the breakout feature from filmmaker and content creator Markiplier, will debut on YouTube on May 31st.
Keep up the great work, lads
I love how this addition would be absolutely incomprehensible almost anywhere else but we know exactly what it means
If I had a coin every time you offered me glue, I would have three coins. It’s not a lot, but it’s weird.
[ID copied from alt: Shang Qinghua is complaining while Shen Qingqiu is listening to him annoyedly. “After talking so much, your lips must be dry,” Shen Qingqiu says. “May I offer you some lip balm?” Holds out a very obviously stick of glue that says, “It’s definitely glue.” Meanwhile, a chibi Shang Qinghua is screaming, “Stop offering me glue!” End ID]
Please reblog this picture of my beautiful son.
Ended up combining my SY advisor (link) and SY PIDW wife (link) AU's
Where SY is one og Bingge's wives and basically running everything trying to take burden off Bingge. Not that's he's ever noticed. He is full on running the realms while LBH is away. People have to stop themselves slipping up and calling SY emperor/empress.
Bingge doesn't notice and SY is just overlooked constantly he tries not to let it bother him, it's fine he's able to fix for things for Bingge he's busy... it's been years and he hasn't even tried to see him once or notice but it's fine. Really it's fine he's fine.
So what if he's the one running the country, and the one who sits by Bingge's bedside when he does get injured (Only he had to leave for 1 moment to sort out a court issue and in that time Bingge woke up alone and called for one of his other wives to fix the issue because of course he was affected by a papapa plot plant) and so what if when Bingge does walk past him he doesn't even look at him. It's fine, SY is fine...
Only then the Bingmei Vs Bingge extra happens. Bingge is laser focused on getting a kind shizun as his empress...
So to clear harem he starts divorcing wives, including SY.
SY just shattered and it's. OK IT'S NOT FINE HE'S UPSET AND PISSED AND FUCK THIS SHIT.
SY leaves and goes back to wherever the wives family is.
... it doesn't take a week for everything to go to shit.
Advisors and nobles and every member of palace staff is freaking out everything's broken.
Bingge is pulled out of his Shziun focus tasks only to find everything almost on fire and what is happening? why isn't this stuff done? wait he's meant to do this? He's never done this? He doesn't know how to do this?
Cue him having to run realms and figure out how this has just broken whose been doing this before? How much of his job have they been doing? What do you mean it was a wife?
He goes to find wife and finds very upset and unhappy SY who is not coming back and refuses a proposal. Bingge having to woo him and slowly realizing he did have a kind Shziun.
He was married to his kind Shziun.
He divorced his kind Shziun.
There is a lot of grovelling after that.
Thinking more what is SY is MBJ relative and their marriage was actually for the alliance.
Not that anyone remembers.
Because SQH forgot. (Intentionally)
He knew any alliance would need to give LBH a wife and so added a distant Mobei cousin. But he FINALLY had reached arc where he could write about his favorite character, so entire marriage was throw away line in middle of epic chapters of fighting (First bit of PIDW he enjoyed writing in ages) it was so forgotten SQH added another marriage at end of arc with the required papapa.
(If SY is character is male could be because SQH was rushing through so much originally put wrong pronoun and no description)
So not only is LBH kingdom in chaos but now MBJ is not showing up because alliance broken. And MBJ has been everything SY was doing and thought LBH had told her and was favoring him giving her responsibilities and just not talking about anything sexual he did like he did with other wives because that is his cousin.
When he finds out truth he is pissed! His SQH is stopping him going to war. SY was basically running everything anyway they deserve it.