Little rant, but I grew up in a Protestant area that was deeply shaped by local missionaries. And in my experience it’s damn near impossible to talk to religious folk, especially those actively engaged in the church, about ones own negative experiences with Christianity or the church.
I’ve told a friend of mine that I always feel as if my first instinct in a car accident or any similarly life threatening situation would be to pray („Stoßgebet“ is the German term for it, there seems to be no proper English equivalent) and it makes me feel horribly guilty and hypocritical, because I don’t believe in Gods existence and I actually don’t want to do that. I‘d rather die by myself, upright in my atheistic 'beliefs', than have a prayer be possibly the last thing to do. That kind of instinct was trained into me by those around me, not any genuine intention. His reaction consisted of asking whether I’m sure it’s really outside influences or rather my own subconscious (that has some grasp on God, supposedly.)
I told the same man how the thought of God always watching makes me sick to my bones. That even the idea of an entity knowing everything about me, knowing things even I myself will arguably never learn, at any and all times, doesn’t comfort me, but frequently triggers panic attacks. I sat across from someone I’ve known from years, already shaking and close to tears and his only answer was „I understand, […], I‘ll definitely pray for you.“ Which lead to me almost freaking out and begging him not to talk about me to his God, something he actively told me he wouldn’t adhere to.
A while back I’ve shared some of my thoughts on and negative experiences with Christianity with another friend upon her request, as well as a recollection of how much better I am nowadays after distancing myself from the church and in turn was met with tears and pity not for the abuse I’ve endured, but because „Jesus loves you and he wants a connection with you“, because „those are bad Christians and they’re wrong“,. Despite almost all of them stemming from similar if not the same congregations as her own. I also got invited to her church, to joining their Programms or visiting community events.
In my experience one can rarely talk to Christians about one’s own religious trauma, because their doctrine of Christianity containing the only actual truth and it being their mission (literally) to spread those teachings will always lead to believers overstepping personal boundaries and disregarding hard nos. Because they follow the gospel and therefore also believe to know your (religious) needs better than you do. The concept of someone finding happiness and fulfilment outside the church is treated as a delusion, sadly robbing many of their ability to empathetically engage with non believers.
Obviously these things don’t apply to every single Christian, but are much rather a critique of church and Christianity as a whole. Most of my dearest friends are themselves Christians, but the problem at hand is one I’ve experienced way too often and, having grown up in the church myself, as a very devout kid, do perceive as anchored in the scripture and Christian doctrine.
ps: if I get corrected by a Christian on scripture specifics when talking about the way the bible got used to justify mistreatment of my community or my own experiences within religious spaces, I’m also gonna nail someone to a wooden cross with the proper Roman intent…
