🌌✨Rediscovering creativity | 18+ NSFW✨🌌 In a perpetual state of existential dread: what is identity? How much of the self is inherent vs what we've adopted from outside ourselves? I am a tangle of media and historical references: does that make me a human embodiment of Theseus' Paradox? Brevity is hard.
Wait uh I might've fixed it. Maybe? I hope so. It feels less melodramatic at least.
It's my take on the Araj Oblodra scene, in which tav has to make threats of violence she really does not want to follow through on, while trying very hard not to succumb to a panic attack over it.
Also, i am thinming about Ascension as the intended good ending and character arc (I don't think it is, but, you know, I'm playing in the space.)
And wow, how uncompelling. Man starts off cynical and self motivated and selfish, learns nothing, gets big house. All his problems are fixed by magic. His actions have no negative consquences.
I mean it's a doozy of a power fantasy. But that's barely a story.
To be fair, one could certainly argue that Ascended Astarion learns something. Perhaps he learns never to be a victim again. Perhaps he learns not to depend on others. Perhaps he learns that no one is coming to save him, and that the only way to guarantee his own safety is to acquire enough power to protect himself.
And yet, if we reduce the arc to its essential structure, the result is fairly simple:
he wants power;
he obtains power;
he was right from the beginning.
Which raises an interesting question: what exactly did Astarion learn?
Narratively speaking, very little.
His worldview is never truly challenged. His fundamental beliefs are never disproven. The possibility that he might be wrong about power, control, fear, or domination never even really presents itself. The answer is simply that he did not have enough power.
In that sense, we are not really witnessing character growth.
We are witnessing confirmation.
In practical terms, the character lacks a transformational arc in the strict sense of the term, at least according to the conventional principles of character writing. Which would make the narrative rather flat.
Paradoxically, however, I think the Ascended route gains much of its depth precisely because the Spawn route exists. The two paths function as complementary halves of the same character study.
Two sides of the same coin.
Two different responses to the same trauma.
Two different ways of confronting fear, vulnerability, freedom, and survival.
Without the Spawn route, Ascension risks becoming little more than a power fantasy. Together, however, the two paths create something far more interesting: the portrait of a character standing at a crossroads, with two radically different futures emerging from the very same wounds.
Analysis is spot-on. I guess part of my problem with the Ascendant storyline is that in response to pain or trauma, there are (broadly speaking) two main worldviews that develop:
I was hurt, I didn't deserve it, and this should never happen to anyone else.
I was hurt, I didn't deserve it, but it happened to me, so why shouldn't it happen to them?
The Ascension leans into the latter philosophy hard; it's more than just callousness, it's a desire to cause pain simply because you can, and I don't find that appealing at all. It's weak. It's boring.
The spawn route is for more interesting to me, for all the reasons discussed above.
So, petition to rename post-epilogue Spawn Astarion as Radiant Astarion!
Really, there are three Astarions in the game:
The Spawn, who is experiencing freedom for the first time and wondering how to make this state of affairs permanent,
The Ascendant, who allows his fear to dictate the rest of his existence,
and the Radiant Hopeful, who rejects fear in favor of growth and healing.
Yes, if you reject the Ascension, he remains a spawn but he's not at all the same and I think it's important to highlight that.
daily reminder that there is absolutely nothing normal about being expected to waste a majority of your life at a corporation to survive instead of indulging in better life experiences ✨
In the 1960s it was a common speculation that by 1980 the typical work week would consist of 4 days. And by the year 2000 we’d be working no more than 3 days a week.
Because of computerization, automation, and better efficiencies in workflow.
the most important thing to understand about grace is that the only thing hes really afraid of is starting. once he's in the middle of something he's all momentum. he doesn't stop his spacewalk once he's out there, because he needs to get it done. he doesn't stop researching astrophage, he actively asks to continue researching because he just doesnt do things by half measures. time go fishing, he doesn't abort the mission because he dropped the collector, he risks his life to grab it. sure he mopes around a bit after waking up, but he pulls himself together and gets it done.
while yes, he is a coward, most of that comes from his crippling self esteem issues. he doesn't believe he can do something when he's faced with a task, but once he's started, he sees it through. that's what stratt needed, and that's what stratt saw in him. and he delivered that perfectly.
I was taking screenshots for something completely different when this particular moment caught my eye.
In his Origin run, Radiant Hopeful Astarion chooses to save Baldur’s Gate and its people, even after having “lost the opportunity” to Ascend. He could still “make up for it” by dominating the Netherbrain and the world, becoming the Absolute and therefore truly untouchable, while keeping all the benefits of the tadpole. Yet his personal choice — and the choice supported by the game’s script — is to destroy it.
I’m not saying this to argue that Ascended Astarion isn’t convinced of his choice (this remains true regardless of my personal preferences and my own interpretation of Ascension). Rather, I’m saying that if he chooses to give up Ascension, he’s equally convinced of that choice and remains committed to it, regardless of whether he’s in a romance or not.
From the very beginning, Astarion frequently encouraged Tav/Durge to take control of the cult. Yet after confronting Cazador and coming to terms with himself, power is no longer his sole focus. He has reevaluated his priorities. For someone who once believed power was the only thing standing between him and safety, that choice says a great deal.
Astarion has dialogue with Lae'zel in act 3 where he sounds like he's so hard he might pass out and you're telling me he doesn't seem very pansexual to you?
I haven't heard this banter before.... legitimately Astarion sounds like he's getting a little lightheaded (not to mention breathless!) from all the blood rushing south. That's a man who wants to fuck.
y'all sleeping on Astarion/Lae'zel bc this moment is so...the way the flippant demeanor drops and he doesn't hesitate to call her out for sticking with her version of Cazador like their relationship is so underrated fr...
sitting down writing this bullshit like let me peel it like an onion a bit and elaborate why this pairing is fascinating to me
It's really interesting how during the most cathartic, life-altering moment in Astarion's questline, the reactions of the other companions are more about the moral wrongness/guilt of sacrificing innocent lives. Lae'zel doesn't do that and instead relates to his hurt.
She knows what's he's feeling, the lack of control, the unfairness of being powerless for too long. This is a woman who just found out her entire life purpose was built on lies, discarded and hunted by her own people after outliving her usefulness, and groomed to basically die for an insane power-hungry lich queen. She knows all too well that power isn't always real freedom. Her first instinct is to empathize with Astarion to steer him away from his hate and resentment.
Astarion/Lae'zel is so interesting to me because they're such a classic "can we make each other worse or make a better person out of the other?".
They both have genuine appreciation for violence and respect each other's ruthlessness. Astarion was used as a weapon of seduction while Lae'zel was of warfare. Sex with people is meaningless and not real intimacy for them, and while both have little understanding/experience of interpersonal relationships beyond the physical, they still feel and love very deeply. They have no frame of reference for things like friendship and warmth, but they badly want all of that and more, even if they don't know it yet.
In-game they can sleep with each other, which is basically the foundation of the normal Tav/Astarion romance. Lae'zel saw him during combat and got horny, who knows. Astarion who's used to luring people with his charms, takes up Lae'zel's blunt offer because she's a strong hardened warrior that can provide protection and be a worthy ally, and he doesn't know how to say no. Navigating the complications between one who wants to be seen beyond as a sex object, and one who comes from a totally alien culture with no concept of love/family/connections and only sex is honestly really compelling to me. It's a transactional, mutually beneficial thing with no emotional expectations. Once you get past the skeevy rockiness of their early relationship, I really like the idea of them slowly seeing something past the exterior and realizing they may have harshly misjudged the other, an unspoken friendship blooms, and in comes the realization that they are essentially loners longing for kindness and a comforting touch in the most desperate of situations.
Lae'zel is prideful, direct, has no sense of courtship talk, and doesn't hold back her thoughts the slightest--she's not sweet/agreeable and what you see is really what you get, which I imagine would be disarming for Astarion who's used to vacuous flattery and has difficulty trusting others. But she's also insanely protective, passionate, loyal, and an initiator-- every romance scene is triggered by her first and she's always showing effort towards her relationships, which would mesh well with Astarion who does need someone to nudge him.
She doesn't purposely suppress her feelings, she's just simply at loss at how to express them sometimes due to her wildly different upbringing. She stops the sparring match you agree to and an easy vulnerability slips instantly out of her: "I don't want to hurt you. I want to protect you, and for you to protect me." and "Thus far I've taunted you, devoured you, battled you. Now I want more than anything to soothe you." are romantic as fuck and Astarion of all people really needs to hear that tbh.
Astarion is also someone who struggles with reinforcing his boundaries, and a key theme in Lae'zel's romance is that she encourages and wants you to challenge her and learn to stand your ground. It's not gentlest method, but hey, relationships are about having to make an effort to learn each other's language.
I think he also would take pleasure "educating her on the matters of Fay-run" (I believe there's a whole banter with him teasing her and teaching her pet names) and would get a kick out of coaxing Lae'zel out of her shell with her shyness at showing public affection, and making her blush. Also it simply would be fucking funny to see Astarion who's used to easy seduction, trying to pass a persuasion check just to get a smooch and generally having to work to earn regular kisses from Lae'zel lmfaooo
Lae'zel also initially struggles to see her chains as chains. When she learns about Vlaakith's betrayal, she copes instantly through denial and shuts it down. Astarion is NOT having it and calls her out, he knows her well enough to recognize that she would value blunt honesty above all.
I imagine he also despises her lack of self-preservation, the way her entire identity is tied to duty and being in service of others, and doesn't understand her desire to still help/liberate the people that want her dead and are hunting her down. He wants to make this duty-bound soldier realize that looking out for herself, and putting herself first may not be the worst thing in the world.
They're so similar to each other but are also polar opposites in some ways that make a more equal, balanced romance I think. It's not a simple, one-sided, feel-good "she/he can fix her/him" fantasy because both of them have to earn each other's love, actually cut through the other's flaws, and actively motivate each other to be better versions of themselves.
They're not at all the other's ideal guiding hand. It's rough, jagged, and imperfect, but that's how healing goes. It's so far from being the healthiest relationship -- but even if their belief systems differ, their moral compass does often align. I imagine it's a slight relief for them to have a partner where there would be less shame and judgment when they expectedly, occasionally slip up and fall into their bad habits.
Also, man, the "You showed me the betweens and beyonds. Beyond war and peace, beyond passion and obsession, most importantly, you showed me freedom.", "First you were my wound, now you were my cure.", "But you saw something else in me - someone else I could be. Someone who could break the cycle of power and terror that started centuries ago.." lines really hit hard when applied to them.
Of course, they can also make each other worse, feed into the other's negative traits that will bring out the worst part of themselves. It's this duality of their pairing that is very interesting to explore, the way it can steer in either direction because it's an intense, fraught relationship at its core.
Getting older is strange because I keep discovering bizarre tin linings in the storm clouds of my psyche.
My formative years existed between two states: neglect and solitude vs constant disapproval and punishment regardless of whether I actually behaved or not.
This has resulted in a host of personality issues, but there is one positive hidden deep in there: I don't give a fuck about what others think of me.
I learned a long time ago that if someone is looking for a reason not to like you or to scold you or guilt-trip you, they'll find it and it's no use twisting yourself into knots over something you can't control.
It's your life. I'm not saying be a jerk about it but since no one can live it but you, do what serves you best and to hell with trying to mold yourself to the expectations of others.
Gale is my husband's favorite*, so I decided to romance him for our second run and tbh I find his hiding the orb more offensive than Astarion hiding his vampirism, for the following reasons:
Astarion never sought vampirism (Hobson's choice is not a choice). Gale did this to himself.
Astarion could kill someone and kept this from you. Gale could kill an entire city of someones and kept this from you.
So I made a point to choose the sorcerer class when creating my tav to keep him humble because he obviously needs it.
And yes, he is adorable, swoon-worthy and delightfully nerdy 😍
*unsurprising, because they're similar in many ways.
professional rage baiter katie marovitch really rocked up with a production budget, insulted EVERYONE’s whole shit, blew up brennan’s entire spot, ‘vajazzled’ the box of doom and filled it with cheetos while matt mercer DESPERATELY tried to make a plot and i have loved every second of it.
