Me, when a character in any piece of historical fiction coughs once:
trying on a metaphor

roma★
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DEAR READER
Monterey Bay Aquarium

if i look back, i am lost

Origami Around
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I'd rather be in outer space 🛸

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@msunitedstatesjames
Me, when a character in any piece of historical fiction coughs once:
Describing Terry Pratchett’s books is difficult. Someone asked me what the book I was reading was about, and I had to tell them it was about banking and the gold standard, but like in a cool way with golems and action.
I don’t think they believed me.
welcome to the club
It is so, so difficult to explain to people that your favorite book is about transgender feminist dwarves, Nazi werewolves, and the mystery of a missing piece of really old ritual bread. And Opera saves the day.
yes, give us those sweet, sweet, terrible descriptions
A tortoise who’s really a god, finds an allegory for Jesus and they go on adventures in an ancient greece like place and then a desert
The chief of police averts a rerun of an ancient war, partially despite and partially because of being possessed by a dying dwarf’s graffiti
It’s like Les Miserables but Javert is the good guy and also there’s time travel.
Macbeth but it’s about the witches
Chapter one, the protagonist is hanged. Then he’s put in charge of the post office. Yes, in that order.
it’s like mulan if there were way more mulans in mulan and also pratchett is extra irritated that too many people missed the point of jingo
The bureaucrats of the universe get annoyed at the paperwork humanity causes so they decide to steal Christmas. Replacement Christmas is done by Death and replacement Death is done by goth Mary Poppins, who is also in charge of the investigation.
these are all nice and accurate reasons to read discworld if you haven’t yet
Romeo and Juliet football AU but the other team is wizards
Hollywood????
An entire clan of tattooed, hairy, kleptomaniac, alcoholic Scotsmen decide a little girl is their new best friend whether she wants to be or not and she rescues her absolutely worthless brother by discovering the power of selfishness.
@cosmictwobyfour
Someone is dying, journalism is being invented, and part of Pulp Fiction is going on in the background.
The universes burocrats want to measure everything so they pay a man to imprison time so everything will stop and they can measure things in peace. Goth mary Poppins saves the day, the fifth horseman of the apocalypse is the best Milkman in the world, and chocolate saves the day. Also someone was born twice.
Classic dynastic machinations are happening in fantasy China, to be completely overturned by a gang of elderly barbarian heroes and the world’s worst wizard and best sprinter
Death incarnate battles a shopping cart for the fate of the world.
@grifalinas
Phantom of the Opera au, except there’s witches, a cookbook that is thinly-veiled pornography, and Christine is played by a fledgeling witch with multiple personalities who can’t stop being sensible long enough to enjoy herself
Hidden heir to the throne decides an cynical, alcoholic cop is the best role model in the world.
Atlantis provides an excuse for a xenophobia-inspired war between Britain and the Middle East but it’s fine because the armies are arrested for conspiracy to cause public nuisance.
the jfk assassination is parodied in the above.
Rain is brought to australia by a lousy wizzard who runs from dropbears, steals a sheep, and invents vegamite
(sigh)(smile) All of the above.
You can defeat Vampire Fascism with the powers of violence, your debilitating anxiety disorder, and a nice cup of tea
the pied piper is a racket being run by some talking mice and a cat but they accidentally invent socialism. then of course there are also the rat horrors
A trio of witches (two of them uninvited) go on a journey to find out how the third one should be a fairy godmother. They run into and out of half-finished stories and manage to encounter a large amount of classic literature unscathed.
a cop time travels and has a hard boiled egg
The hanged conman in charge of the Post is now in charge of the Bank and the Mint, who are technically owned by an incontinent dog now. Stamps lead to the invention of banknotes and now there’s golems everywhere, which is a problem and a solution in itself.
The guy who made one of Replacement Death’s forms and experimented in steam power Died and his son created the first train, who is also a god and provides many of the autistic people of Fantasy New York/London a brand new hyperfixation, including the secretary of the most powerful man in Fantasy New York/London. Also the guy that should have been hanged (and is now in charge of the mint/post) is back helping the goblins make a revolution and work for his wife and train company. he takes goblin drugs at least twice and fights on top of a train with the alcoholic cop. dwarf bigots are mad about there being two genders.
The bird app has a lot of garbage but this thread really tickled me this morning:
Bonus:
Lion King (1994) explaining the importance of stylized 2D animation: Lion King (2019) and Cats (2019):
Kimba The White Lion (1965) explaining the importance of an original idea:
Lion King (1994) Lion King (2019) Cats (2019)
Shakespeare (1564) explaining the importance of an original idea:
Kimba the White Lion (1965), The Lion King (1994), The Lion King (2019), Cats (2019):
Saxo Grammaticus (c. 1160 – c. 1220) explaining the importance of understanding that all creative work is inherently derivative once you study the oral tradition of storytelling and history and that’s okay because generations have always reformatted tropes and themes to make them relatable to their current audiences
Shakespeare (1564), Kimba the White Lion (1965), The Lion King (1994), The Lion King (2019), Cats (2019):
Tyrannosaurus rex (Late Cretaceous) explaining nothing because he’s a don’t give a fuck
"you couldnt make seinfeld today" you couldve made seinfeld in 45 B.C.
kramer: *barges in* *crowd cheering* jerry! caesar just made himself dictator perpetuo!
Dame Archer kicks McDougal’s Scots ass there in the rain at the Washington Midsummer Renaissance Faire - August 11, 2018 - Photo by Douglas Herring
Oh NO.
me, a sheltered noblewoman: Pray who is that brave knight? Dame Archer:*turns around* me: gasp! *instantly in love*
Alicia Archer
my bi heart………
I’VE NEVER SEEN THE ADDED PICS
*dies*
Oh shit.
GAY KNIGHTS
Fellas I’m real gay
@0hheytherebigbadwolf HELP!!
Every June this inevitably winds up back on my dash. And I appreciate that. And I will reblog it. Every time.
Hey, it’s @archerinventive, and the Pride Knights!
happy pride month! 🌈
lil hansry portrait made for kcd reddit community 💖
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 🩷💜💙 🖤🩶🤍💜
the average twitter vs tumblr community experience
wha t if oregon trail was called wagon age: oregons
This made me so angry the first time I saw it I’m reblogging it again.
happy 10 years to wagon age oregons
I've never posted any of my writing on Tumblr before, but I just finished a Hansry fic series I've been working on since May of 2025, so I figured now was the time.
If you like a good mix of fluff and angst, this might be the series for you. Here's some of what you can expect, not necessarily in this order:
Hans Capon vs. the lesbians (twice)
The Guild of the Admirers of Sir Hans Capon's (redacted for Tumblr)
Two and a half weddings
One and a half divorces
Henry vs. potentially fatal poisoning
Fun times in Pribyslavitz
As far as I can tell, the only fic on all of AO3 to feature The Mad Beekeeper (a.k.a Beekeeper Jonash)
Henry being a social justice warrior (literally)
Hans attempting to get some by a pond, in his future in-laws' castle, in a bee infested barn, after a jail break, in the woods, and probably in other interesting places I've forgotten by now
Skalitz trauma
The boys competing via horse racing, wrestling, eating sweets, sparring of various sorts, pond dunking, and more
Sam, Hans, and Henry hashing it out
The Devil's Pack going to a festival
And lots more!
If you're interested, check out the first fic in the series below!
His Liege Lord (21398 words) by msunitedstatesjames Chapters: 4/4 Fandom: Kingdom Come: Deliverance (Video Games) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Hans Capon/Henry, Henry & Katherine (Kingdom Come: Deliverance) Characters: Hans Capon, Henry (Kingdom Come: Deliverance), Katherine (Kingdom Come: Deliverance), Original Female Character(s) Additional Tags: Light Angst, Established Relationship, Post-Game: Kingdom Come: Deliverance II, POV Hans Capon, Canon Compliant, POV Henry (Kingdom Come: Deliverance), Fluff, Humor Series: Part 1 of His Liege Lord "Hans had gone very still at the mention of Radzig. Henry's liege lord. Hans forgot sometimes that Henry didn’t truly serve him. Or rather, he did, but it was only a temporary arrangement. As soon as Radzig needed Henry for something more urgent than protecting the ward of his friend, he wouldn’t hesitate to whisk him off somewhere to do what Henry did best. (Which was, apparently, everything.) And there was very little Hans could do about it."
tournament
jesus christ (and warhorse) be praised
Oh, Robin Hobb, who else could so seamlessly transition from scenes of torture, tragedy, and death to two friends, carefree and joyful, flying down ice slides together on a glacier in the middle of nowhere?
“bits to use in everyday conversations”
Pride and Prejudice Art
A few recent scene redraws from the 2005 Pride and Prejudice film! One of my favorite movies ever.
Prints available in my shop!
I’ve been on a big Jane Austen kick this year and currently reading my way through all the books! So far I’ve read Emma, Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, and I’m almost finished with Northanger Abbey!
Imagine if a like 8 foot tall guy that looked kinda like an alien species just kinda showed up at the house you rent a room in and crashed on the couch and at first everyone hated him but you kinda just accepted this weird massive kinda-human alien species thing as a part of your group even though he's like twice the size of everyone else there
Cuz that's literally happening to sea lions in San Francisco right now
So there's two species of sea lion in North America: the California sea lion, ranging along California (including Baja) but not ranging into the north coast or into oregon
And the Stellar's sea lion, which are WAY bigger and live in Washington, British Columbia, and Alaska
A male Stellars sea lion showed up in SF like a month ago and just kinda. Didn't know what to do, and joined a colony of California sea lions, and is just kinda chilling there now.
Weird vagrant species happen from time to time, but this is just a particularly funny instance of a highly social species getting very lost, and just trying to blend in with its closest nearby relatives
i love prince eric. from the little mermaid. he’s hilarious. because he seems like one of the most mild-mannered and unassuming princes in the disney canon, but he is also one of the few to actively kill the bad guy. most disney villains die by consequence of the final battle but are not directly killed by the hero/heroine. most of them fall to their deaths or cause their own demise, and sometimes the hero is indirectly responsible because they’ll launch them into that direction or something, but they still don’t bring knife to heart directly.
but then a couple do. and prince eric is my fave out of those few because up until the final act, he is the most chill motherfucker u ever seen. like he is quick to spring to action during the storm scene n stuff, but otherwise? he’s really quiet n sensitive and runs along the beach playing the flute for his big shaggy dog n he smiles like a lil nerd and gets all cute around ariel and he’s so sweet n everything.
AND THEN IN THE FINAL BATTLE THAT MOTHERFUCKER STRAIGHT UP DRIVES A SHIP THROUGH URSULA LIKE WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!! NO WONDER NO ONE IS TRYIN TO LAY SIEGE TO HIS KINGDOM!! ALL THE NEIGHBOURS ARE LIKE “HOLY SHIT DON’T GO THERE! PRINCE ERIC IS A BEAST! HE’LL STRAIGHT UP DRIVE A BOAT THROUGH YOUR BITCH!”
i love him
At the beginning of the movie Prince Eric, without hesitation, jumps into the ocean, in the middle of a storm, and climbs onto a ship that’s on fire, all to rescue his dog.
Then when he’s convinced some mystery woman saved him, he starts looking for her just to thank her. On his way, he meets some mute naked teenage girl who can’t even walk or dress herself, confirms that she’s not the girl he’s looking for, then brings her to stay at his castle anyway, for no particular reason.
No one questions this, just like they don’t question when he shows up three days later with a mysterious woman one morning and says he’s getting married that same day. At said wedding, several witnesses see his fiance turn into a sea monster, which he then murders by piloting a submerged ship pulled up from the bottom of the ocean straight into her.
A week later, he marries the mute girl and the god of the sea himself rises from the ocean to give his blessings. Again, no one questions this.
I’m convinced that Eric had to have done some crazy insane stunts on a regular basis, cause despite him being so chill and relaxed normally, no one bats an eyelash at any of his ridiculous decisions or incredible feats during the course of the film. Clearly they’re all used to it, and rumours of him marrying an ocean princess would only dissuade potential enemies of his country even further.