bean's little corner

18+ | chronically ill | queer | neurodivergent

[neurodivergent-bard]

Some gentle reminders for the aroaces who date or want to try dating:

- Not dating until now is absolutely okay and valid

- You don't have to conform to the allosexual social standards in your relationship

- Your comfort and happiness as well as your partner's are the most important things in your relationship and will always come above the societal expectations and standards

- Starting to date in your 20s and figuring our that it's not for you in the end is absolutely valid and okay

- There is nothing wrong with you if you have to take things slow and if you're confused, you're valid in your experience

- Never put your safety and comfort below anything else

[neurodivergent-bard]

Went through a really stressful time and starting a new job in a week while expecting an awful flare up is never fun

[tundrakatiebean]

I have come up with a better metaphor than “you can’t pour from an empty cup” for burnout. You can’t boil an empty kettle. Pouring from an empty cup just gets you nowhere. Trying to boil an empty kettle can ruin the kettle, the stove, and burn down your house if you keep trying it.

[neurodivergent-bard]

If you're someone like me who needs to ask a lot of questions often and you struggle with it bc you feel like they're stupid, here's a tip: say it. Turn to the person you want to ask said questions and announce it proudly.

Here's some ways you can do it:

- "Hey, I really need to ask some stupid questions so bear with me"

- "I'm sorry, I need to ask some questions that might be ridiculous right now"

- "Excuse me, I'm struggling right now. I need to ask some silly questions to clarify"

- "Sorry to bother, I'm a bit confused. Mind if I ask some stupid questions before we continue?"

Why this is a good way to go about it? It's something I've learned to do in the past 3 years and it helped me a lot. I feel less awkward and silly when I ask my questions and the way these are phrased helps take the edge off. The person you're talking to will probably be friendlier and kinder, you might get a chuckle out of them, and they're just going to understand better that you're aware that your questions might seem stupid (but they're not! Trust me, they're not. Keep asking your questions. It's good that you're asking them. Always ask them). It should help both you and the person you're talking to. I really hope it will, at least

[neurodivergent-bard]

Where are all of my androgynous afab nonbinary they/thems who are into men at? Y'all are gorgeous and amazing and valid af!!

[neurodivergent-bard]

Socializing while being chronically ill is fucking terrible. It hurts to cancel plans all the time bc you're sick or in pain or just have to prioritize resting instead of going out and hanging out with friends. You feel left out because you are left out. You miss out on the talks and moments and experiences with them and it alienates you from the friendships wether you like it or not.

But it's not your fault. Please remember it's never your fault. You're doing the best you can. It's okay.

[neurodivergent-bard]

The thing about being disabled at the "prime" of your life is that you just forget sometimes that other people...aren't?

I eat well and take care of myself. I workout daily for at least 20 minutes. My hygiene is good. I keep up with my chores and responsibilities, and my studies as well as anyone in my eyes could. I get to socialize and have a seemingly stable life and work/life balance.

But I have to use the elevator more often than not because climbing 4 floors gets too much on my knees. I get migraines regularly that leave me unable to look through the window. My brain fog gets bad even when the pain isn't and I can't work or else I'll cry from the frustration bc it won't be productive. My hands hurt if I grip anything too long or too hard. I get dizzy spells and vertigo too often and it's not fun. I could go on really but the point is-

You can't speak about it with any of your peers. They don't get it. They don't see it. It's an invisible disability and they can't see it even if you run your mouth and explain a hundred times. They. Just. Won't. See. It. You hold up well and you sound well and you put on a smile and no matter how much you try to explain that you're struggling nobody believes you because you look fine.

And isn't that depressing?

[neurodivergent-bard]

Me (cant figure out how i caught a cold and why everything hurts): how did this happen??

Also me (flashbacks to all of the weather inappropriate outfits i wore this week due to sensory issues and overheating bc yay, disabled): huh...no clue

[neurodivergent-bard]

Growing up neurodivergent but not knowing you're neurodivergent leads to a deep state of depression so you spend your childhood and formative years severely depressed and isolated. And as an escape many of us pick up creative hobbies which helps and so we write or make art and we start posting and we participate in communities and we finally start feeling somewhat normal by being able to socialize and bond over our interests.

And then we start therapy and start healing and we stop being so depressed. And we also lose our creativity.

It starts to feel like an echo of a distant memory. We want to take it back. We want to create. We don't actually hate art or creating. But the well from which we were inspired and draining creative energy got all dried up so we have to spend more time to heal *and* find another spring of creativity and nobody ever talks about how awful, isolating, and painful that experience is.

And if anyone is in this or a similar position, it gets better. It does. You'll find another spring and have another well to create and it'll be a better and healthier one and you'll love it all even more. Just be patient. You're doing great

[fibro-memes]

[neurodivergent-bard]

An autistic thing that we are often made to feel bad about is our sever reaction to any type of schedule disturbance. For me, it's a combination of autism and ocd brain shit that caused a meltdown in front of my peers. It's the age regression and inability to regulate my reaction and panic that makes me feel embarrassed. But not bc it happened but bc I know that 4 out of 5 people there couldn't understand and just saw me as overreacting even though I'm genuinely upset and frazzled by it and my nerves system is reacting as if I'm danger despite me knowing I'm not

[neurodivergent-bard]

It's all fun and games talking about your disability and advocating for it until your disability disables you and you start hearing that stupid voice in your head telling you that you're a faker and don't deserve your accommodations

[blacksnapdragon]

Listen, I'm a shipper. Shipping is fun. Exploring relationships between the silly characters I like is fun, and to me, that includes shipping.

HOWEVER, as an aroace person who started valuing both my friendships and my ability to be alone without feeling like shit even more as I learnt about amatonormativity, I just need to say:

Can we please stop throwing around phrases like "There's no platonic explanation for this" or "They're too close, they can't be just friends" when talking about ships we like and analyzing the reasons why we think they should have been canon?

Can we please stop acting as if romance is some sort of "end goal" and that if two characters who have some form of chemistry don't get in a canon romantic relationship, then their potential was wasted?

Can we stop assuming that characters who end up single will automatically feel alone and miserable?

Like, can we stop normalizing amatonormativity in fandoms? I know it's difficult because those phrases and thought processes are very normalized, but can we try?

Also, some people will find this controversial, but yes, this includes not screaming "Are you homophobic???" At anyone who doesn't like a popular, implied or even canon queer ship. Yes, some people who don't like the ship will be homophobic, but some of us really just want more representation of single main characters who actually stay single, as well as representation of qprs, strong platonic bonds, people who live well by themselves/in solitude and so much other stuff that we often don’t get due to the world kind of being obsessed with romance (and sex tbh, but that's not the point of this post).

[neurodivergent-bard]

There is a difference in merely listening to what your disabled/neurodivergent/mentally ill friends are saying and in hearing it and using the provided information to at least understand them. We don't expect help. We don't even want it a lot of the times. We understand that we can't expect it from others most of the time. But just understanding, actually understanding, will do wonders. It makes us feel seen and heard and it saves us the energy in times of need/crisis.

Listen to your disabled/neurodivergent/mentally ill friends and try your best to understand them and if you can't then ask. We are always happy to explain when we have the energy for it

[neurodivergent-bard]

I thought that with age I'd grow out of wanting to copy and embody characters I love from various media but oh, hello again autism my old friend, you are here to entice me again

[neurodivergent-bard]

A small list of stuff that happened this week and made me think "how was I not diagnosed with autism/adhd as a kid":

1. I was telling an acquaintance about my turbulent history of going through multiple friend groups/befriending many people in the past 3 years only for the friendships to fizzle out through a few months for no reason after years of being socialy ostracized for being "too weird" only to be told "are you sure you're not the issue?" (Yes, I'm sure -.-)

2. I was telling my friends about my inability to cope with loud noises at parties as a kid and having meltdowns where the only thing that calmed me down was music playing through earphones and it was lady gaga on repeat

3. I have developed a very rapid and all consuming interest in furries without any prior warning from my brain

4. I was faced with the fact, once again, that I am a late bloomer (I hate the phrase) in any way applicable to adults

5. I was unable to paint my middle school/high school experience to a younger family friend without scaring her bc mine were terrible and I'm afraid for every single child in the education system.

This isn't a rant or anything, I find it all funny and I'm comfortable in who I am. Maybe someone will relate and if not then not xd

[neurodivergent-bard]

Something that I've been thinking about is the fact that autistic adults are so often not allowed to act autistic because we are supposed to act like adults.

You didn't know you were autistic and have years of repressed trauma and are burnt out? Congrats! Go and act neurotypical now. You're old enough to act maturely and go through everything despite being uncomfortable and needing more support.

I am hoping that things will change because this is in no way sustainable for anyone and nobody should be forced to act beyond their capabilities...