I.... need help...
I don’t know if people will actually read this, but if you are please help me out. I’m not very knowledgeable when it comes to the topics of depression, anxiety, suicide, etc.
I have noticed that when I make a mistake or make someone upset the first thing that I think of is “I should just leave now. I don’t deserve to live after I did that.” I shake the thought away but it echos in my head and then after that comes “why’d I think that?”
The two best examples were both recent.
I accidentally drove illegally, it wasn’t safe and got in trouble with my school for it. I felt terrible that I forgot that rule and I wasn’t allowed to drive to school for 2 weeks, but I could still pick up my sister from the elementary school. That day driving home and back every tree, building and other car I passed the thought came up. “You could run into that car and your guilt/misery would be over.” “You wouldn’t be beating yourself up if you were dead.” And it was just there.
The next one was a couple days ago. I was frustrated with some homework and things that happened earlier that day. My boyfriend was trying to cheer me up over face time while I was cutting vegetables. He had just had an amazing day and he doesn’t have them often. No matter what he said I couldn’t shake the frustration and would find something else to complain about. After a while I tired out his optimism and he went numb. The phone fell and hung up so I called him back and noticed his whole attitude changed. I tried to convince him that he was really helping me, but he knew that wasn’t true and felt upset because he couldn’t help me. I felt terrible and the sudden urge/thought to tell him I am sorry and slit my throat with the knife I was holding right in front of him. My throat hurt like I actually did it. Later that night he told me that I scared him because I never get mad. I started crying, I desperately wanted to tell him what happened. The thoughts that have crossed my mind, how much they scared me. How much it scared me that something was wrong with me. I didn’t. I didn’t want him to worry and feel worse when he had such a good day, or only try to get attention...
Even when I was little I have had these thoughts. I WAS 5! when I would get in trouble from my parents instead of most kids “I’m gonna run away!” Mine was “I’m gonna kill myself.”
I know there are people on here that know and experienced sucidal thoughts. I want to know if these are just intrusive thoughts that I don’t need to worry about, or if it’s a good thing I am worried about this.
I have never told anyone... I get scared that I’m only doing it for attention, I’ll worry the people around me, and that people won’t treat me the same. I want to go to the therapist, but I don’t want to tell my parents why I want/need to go.
I’m not looking for sympathy or “Likes/Reblogs”. I need to know if I actually need to tell people about this and go to a therapist.
Thank you guys! Love you






























