NymCee

Procrastination, whining and other joys.

[nymcee]

does the thought of suicide make you feel isolated? or liberated?

[nymcee]

do you ever?

do you ever just see something funny or cool and feel like you have to share it with me? do you ever just listen to a song and think it's so amazing that I should hear too? do you just browse through your photos looking for my pictures because you feel the need to see me? do you ever replay our conversations in your head because you miss me? do you ever feel like picking up the phone and calling me just to hear the sound of my voice?

[nymcee]

proud daughter

so whenever my mom makes something yummy i set it up with aesthetics and take pictures today i was doing that and she says “i know what you’re doing lockheart” i asked what she was talking about, she explained that she knows i take credit for her work when i post it on social media im just just so proud she made a harry potter reference, i raised her right

[nymcee]

Labels

Now I understand why people feel the need to define their relationships. Why they are so obsessed with labels? What are we? Friends? Lover? Dating? Fuck buddies? With labels, both parties have an understanding of the relationship. There is almost an obligation tied with it. I am something to someone and I must be fair to that. Without them, any partner can just walk away at any second and the other cannot ask for an explanation. Is it so easy for you to move on? How does it work? You wake up one day and decide nope, fuck her, done with her and never talk to me again? I wish I was so cold hearted. I wish I had the ability to go from 0 to 180 in a fortnight.

[nymcee]

Invisible

I was never the girl you fuck at 2 am in the back of your car. Neither was I the one you take home to your mother for Sunday brunch. I was invisible at most times. Seen only when someone needed something. I wondered why people complained about the friend zone so much, at least friendship allowed you to form a relationship with another person. I was just there, like an extra in a movie that is so insignificant that her face is a blur.

[nymcee]

Saturday Night

“What’re you doing?” He had been very quiet, but his breathing told me he wasn’t asleep yet. “Thinking.” “About?” “About your depression.” “That’s weird.” “Why?” “You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer that ‘hey, I’m just laying here thinking about your cancer.’” “That’s not the same.” “Maybe cancer is too big, imagine someone with a broken leg, you wouldn’t just think about it.” “Why are you depressed?” “It doesn’t work like that. I have depression, I’ve had it for years. There is no particular reason for it. It’s not an emotion, it’s a state. I am clinically depressed.” “I see…” We lay there in the quiet embrace, no one saying anything. The silence was not comfortable or uncomfortable, it just was.“ “Sorry,” he says. “For?” I ask. “Falling asleep on you.” “You did? I didn’t realize.” “So tell me why you’re depressed…” I pretend I didn’t hear that and snuggle closer. He doesn’t get it. I recount the events of the night, the past week, my whole life. Why am I depressed? It doesn’t work like that. I reposition myself to be more comfortable and hear his light snoring. I turn away and stare af the wall for a bit, then I hug the blanket closer. I close my eyes in hopes of peaceful sleep.

[better-off-dead-than-live]

Which one?

[nymcee]

poker face

[nymcee]

Misery

It's like misery follows me everywhere I go... I can't escape it. Why do people set up expectations and then later on don't live up to them. Why do they even say the things they don't mean? I never asked them. I don't need momentary satisfaction. If you can't/don't want to do something, just don't mention it. In these cases, a surprise is better than a disappointment.

[nymcee]

....

"I hate everyone." "Everyone?" "Yeah, everyone I meet. I just don't like people." "Oh, so did you hate me when you met me?" "Don't be ridiculous." "...Okay." Ah, if you knew how my heart fluttered... I love you.

[nymcee]

Stay

You stayed for me. I'm so glad you stayed. It makes me weirdly happy. I really wanted to touch you though. Like I needed to touch you. And it made me happy when you touched me. Ah... It's so frustrating! I need you.

[nymcee]

This is true: the world is better off with some people gone. Our lives are not all interconnected. That theory is crock. Some people truly do not need to be here.

Bret Easton Ellis

[nymcee]

Am I or the others are crazy? - Einstein

[nymcee]

Ideal human?

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. How much bullshit can you speak before you actually believe that your self-protecting lies are not just that - lies. Can someone be that ignorant or self-assured that no matter what the other says, it does not affect them one bit. That they they remain aloof to the pain and suffering caused by them. Can someone be that much of an - for the lack of a better word or words - selfish idiot. Doing everything to their desire and never giving a fuck, all the while blaming others and claiming innocence and love. How dare they claim love? Do they even know what the word means? Of course you see it in tv and believe your lust or attraction toward your certain someone(s) is love. But do you know what it means? Love isn’t making out and buying valentine gifts neither is that lie that you claim is a hidden emotion within you that you cannot surface properly because frankly if you can surface anger and hate with such ideal accuracy the positive aspect of the emotion bridge should not be do impossible to showcase. Love is doing something, anything for someone, it is tolerating. It is making them feel better and accepting not making the other hate their own being. Love is being there for someone or at the very least respect them in the sense that treat them as you would like to be treated, not use them for your personal gain and then treat them like the dirt on your precious shoes. Love is everything and most of all it is forgiveness. To be given whether deserved or not. When one constantly requires it from others in a daily basis how can they be so reluctant to give it out. Why and how does one live like that? To be so aware and pretend to be ignorant. To be so destructible and claim to be destroyed by no fault of their own. To give others so much pain that it consumes their reality, their being and feel no guilt. Are you a real human or are you the ideal human?

[nymcee]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

[nymcee]

Be good

I was watching a show because that’s how I waste my life away… Anyways, in the show the guy said “be good” to a girl before he left. And that reminded me of you. You always said “be good” to me. Why won’t you call and tell me to be good? Why? I don’t understand. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

[nymcee]

[nymcee]

I want you.

I want to touch you. I want to hold you. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you everything about me. I want to cook for you. I even want to clean up for you. I want to make you happy. I want to love you. And I want you to love me. I want you to touch me. I want you to hold me. I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me everything. What hurts you? What restraints you? I want to help you heal. What do you think about when you’re up late? What do you desire? What can I do? How can I help? How can I make you happy? I want to make you happy. I want to be your person. I want to be there for you. I want… I want you. And I want you to want me too. I love you.