wild confession time [nsfw warning]
holy crap I should make OCs out of this
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I'm having these fantasies of being in a toxic homoerotic situationship with her, yes her, the person I loved harder than anyone else who hates the fucking sight of me.
firstly I want to disclaim that i absolutely do NOT like her romantically. my love for her is purely platonic. how do i say it.... I'd do just about anything sweetheart wants. her happiness is my happiness, her pleasure is my pleasure. if she ever wanted to use me, I don't think I'd decline. holy fuck holy fuck that's gay
my mind makes up these scenarios where we're roommates (somehow) and we aren't friends, god forbid I ever call us friends, but we do stuff together because we live under the same roof 🤷
I'd take us out to eat and drive her wherever, I'd get stuff she likes and hold her bags at the mall, yeah that sounds kind of boyfriend-ish but to me its more like a parent, a guardian. I'd even have these stupid rules where if she wants to go out at night, she has to be with me. or at least with trusted friends. of course she's free to go wherever during the day, but even then I'd probably ask her whereabouts. god I'm so nosy and paranoid, she'd hate me so much lol, but better safe and annoyed than dead right?
so the "toxic" part i mentioned is um. she. develops feelings for me. (from a distance: oh brother this guy STINKS) if she ever were to, it wouldn't be for who i am. it'd be for my looks or services and all the shit i do for her, yeah including letting her use me to get off.
so its like oh only NOW you actually like me and want me around, but not back then? was it bc i was ugly? annoying? i cant even trust you when you say this; you probably mean it now, but you won't in the future. since high school you've always been pulling me back only to push me away again, i dont know which side to believe.
but I'd never say that out loud. fuck how could I even think that, I hate myself for being even a tiny bit upset with her. my sweetheart has bipolar disorder, she can't help it. I should be there for her when she needs me, and leave her be when she needs space (hates me). its that simple, its what I've always done. for her, I'll always be available, just a text away, like it or not.
so I'd accept her feelings, if it's what would make her happy. my heart is hers either way. it doesn't matter that my love for her isn't romantic, it's still love isn't it? If she wanted to kiss me, I'd glady kiss her back. I'd hold her like the finest piece of art and make her know just how much of a beautiful person she is inside and out, fucking god I've always wanted to do that, she deserves to know how lovely she is.
and this relationship would be a back and forth loop. she'd tell me shit like I make her feel valid and heard, and I'd let her rest her head on my shoulder and feed her like I used to, I'd let her ride my face whenever she needs, but one slip up: weeks, months of distance and no communication. heck I'd probably let her hatefuck me, anything to get your anger out my love.
I'll be your lover, your enemy, your best friend, your ashtray and sex slave, whatever feels best for you dearest angel
