On the subject of “What Are Men, Really?” and “why do I relate and connect so strongly with gay/bi men, but straight men feel like a strange alien species to me?”
I’ve partly clarified what the difference is between my strong affinity for masculinity and whatever it is straight men are doing.
Straight men’s attachment to masculinity is reactionary. They lean in to masculine norms out of fear of being perceived as unmanly, as gay, as effeminate or feminine, as inadequate. They fear demotion, loss of status, loss of privilege, a fall from grace. They’re not embracing masculinity so much as they’re backing into it, out of fear of what lies outside it, as one might back into a safe compound while brandishing a gun at an approaching zombie horde.
Whereas my attachment to masculinity stems from 2 sources:
1) “I’ve had femininity crammed down my throat my whole life without my consent and now I’m freeeeee” AKA sort of reactionary, but in an empowering, liberating sense. Throwing off the chains and rebelling against society’s rules.
2) Sincerely relishing and enjoying masculinity, enjoying things like suits, waistcoasts, neckties, leather jackets, sweater vests, pocket watches, cologne, visible sculpted musculature, showing off one’s physical strength, sitting or standing with one’s legs spread, direct blunt communication, confidence, assertiveness, taking the lead during sex, a million little things society has arbitrarily coded “men stuff,” are things I take enthusiastic delight in, like Ariel gushing about her collection of human paraphernalia. I’m like a weeaboo, but for masculinity.
(And yes, there is a heavy element of eroticism for me in a lot of what I listed above.) (Insert autoandrophilia joke here)
In Daniel Lavery’s book, he noted that Gomez Addams has FTM energy because Gomez seems to relish being a man so much, whereas Herman Munster is simply phoning it in, and therefore lacks that vibe. And it’s true! A lot of cis straight men really are just phoning it in. In fact, if they put as much energy and enthusiasm into performing masculinity as I do, they’d probably be perceived as gay! Or at least as a dandy. (Gomez is something of a dandy.) The straight male role seems to demand phoning-it-in. They have to sleep-walk through it.
And the thing is: Women aren’t like this! Some women phone it in, but I can think of plenty of women who sincerely enjoy certain types of femininity, and aren’t doing it because society told them to, or to please men. Femme lesbians are an obvious example, but also straight women who are into goth or lolita fashion, or who volunteer to be surrogates because they enjoy being pregnant and participating in motherhood, or who buy sexy underwear purely because it makes them feel good. Or look at the way women who are hardcore into makeup culture react when some man, unsolicited, says “You know, men think you’re prettier when you don’t wear makeup.” Said man usually gets thrown to the wolves for his impertinence. They’re not doing it for you, bro!
But it’s hard to think of any men in my life who really relish masculinity in that same way except for, well, the gay and trans ones. I feel like the few straight men who do that in our culture get labelled “dandies” or “metrosexuals” and are seen as proximal to gayness.
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